Alcohol, Depression, and Self Loathing
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Alcohol, Depression, and Self Loathing
I had originally posted this just to the Women’s forum, but I thought I would add it to this one too. Warrens wrote something in response to one of my earlier posts that really struck a chord with me. He wrote: “Shame and secrecy are intimate bedmates. Being totally honest about my culpability and guilt helps me heal.” I’m not in a place where I can share the reasons for my shame with the people who I care about, but I needed to make a first step. I need to get it out there in a safe place with people who might have made similar mistakes. I’m tired of feeling so badly about myself. I know that what I’ve written makes it sound like I’m in a really bad place mentally, but making these admissions has been really good for me. I’ve lived with them in my head for too long, and being able to admit to them here has been good experience so far. Thanks for all your support!! PS. I'm going to an AA meeting in an hour.
I am about to admit some stuff on here that I am completely incapable of admitting to anyone I know. I’m even feeling anxiety about posting it on this forum even though I know that no one here knows me. Sorry for being such a long post, but I kind of felt like I had to get it all out there. I hate my life. I have almost always hated my life, to one degree or another. I’ve been struggling recently with giving up alcohol and I feel like I’m kind of at a crux in my life--I can’t go on the way I have been and I absolutely need to change. This realization has thrown me into a deep depression, and I keep trying to claw my way out of it, although not successfully.
One of the biggest hurdles to my giving up alcohol and working on changing my life for the better, are the predominant emotions I have towards myself: shame and loathing. I’ve always felt defective, as if there was something broken inside of me that I had to hide from the world. I grew up with an emotionally cruel father and an emotionally crippled mother. And, to make matters worse, I am on the more emotionally sensitive sides of the spectrum so I completely internalized their dysfunction. Emotionally, I felt like I was raised by wolves. I grew up with absolutely no sense of self worth or self esteem. I also had a lot of psychological issues.
First off, I was angry. Very angry. I’m surprised I never really hurt anyone. I did some horrible things to people. Like the time I emailed all of the professors and administrators in an ex-boyfriend‘s med school program and told them that he was a pothead and coke user. Or the time that I made it look like my mom’s house had gotten broken into so that I could trash my brother’s room and steal his stuff because he had pissed me off over something I can’t even remember. Whenever someone would hurt me or reject me or make me feel powerless, I got angry. For the longest time, I couldn’t take ownership of the anger. I didn’t understand the negative ramifications of it. All I knew was, when I got angry and got even, I felt better. I honestly think I might have had sociopathic tendencies.
I got into therapy in my early twenties because I finally admitted how much I hated my mother for not protecting me from my father. I had always 'mentally' protected my mother because I needed to believe that at least one of my parents loved me. Although, when my anger for her surfaced, I had the most distinct visualization of taking a radio and bashing her head in. What I resented about my mother the most was that she never got me help after I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen. I remember my brother had done something mean to me and I grabbed a bottle of pills and was on my way to down them, when my mom grabbed me and 'talked me down'. She never spoke to me about it again. I could never understand this--didn't she think that I was going to do it again? When I finally got up the nerve to talk to her about it (almost 20 years later--who says the past doesn't have power over the present), she told me she didn't even remember it. She isn't a bad person. In fact, she has been in a major depression her whole life and right about the time that I wanted to kill myself, she wanted to kill herself too. I have forgiven her.
My relationship with my father hasn't gone so well. In fact, I completely cut him out of my life about 6 years ago. Nothing dramatic--I just decided to stop going to see him and not to call him. Guess what? I've never heard from him. No, that's not true. My brother has hinted at how angry my father is at me, although I haven't spoken to my brother in years so I haven't heard much of anything from him.
Why did I cut my father and brother out? I like to tell people that I cut my dad out because of how poorly he treated me even into adulthood. But mostly it had to do with shame. I was ashamed of myself because of something I'd done and I performed as I usually do when I feel shamed--I completely withdraw to keep myself from having to deal with those feelings of shame. What had I done? I had tried to commit credit card fraud. I was completely broke at the time and stressed out of my mind. I applied for a credit card in my dad's name and he had credit protection which flagged it. I'm not sure that I would even have gone through with it, but luckily I didn't get that chance. One of the last time I saw my dad, he pulled me aside and asked me about it. I denied it and tried to blame it on some fictitional boyfriend, but I think he knew I was lying. Cutting out my brother was a byproduct of the shame that I felt for trying to defraud my father. Basically, I know that my brother and his wife know what I did, and they also know a whole lot of other stupid and ‘shameful’ stuff that I’ve done--like getting completely trashed and puking at their wedding--and my f'ed up coping strategy is to cut them out of my life.
At this point in my life, I’ve cut almost everyone out. I know that the picture that I’ve painted of myself is pretty bleak, but if I’m going to be honest, I’ve turned into a pretty good person. I was in therapy for a long time and I think I learned a lot of the coping skills that most people learn from a non-abusive childhood. I’ve managed to graduate with an undergrad degree from an Ivy League school and I’m about to get my masters. The friends that I do have now are really great, but I can’t let them in. There’s still a part of me that feels completely unworthy of being loved or liked, and I don’t believe that my friends would accept me if they saw me at my weakest. I used to work at this really great place with loads of really cool and supportive people. I lost my job over the summer (not through any fault of mine), but I am plagued with thoughts of the times that I had gone into work after having a couple of drinks. I don’t think I ever went in drunk, but definitely buzzed. One of my bosses called me for having alcohol on my breath, but I lied and said it was from the night before (which happened to be St. Patrick’s day). He bought it, but I feel like everyone knew every time I went in there buzzed. I feel like the biggest loser right now.
So, here is my life right now. I moved back home with my mom last year and I don’t have a car or a license. I got a dui over the summer and will probably be facing some jail time. I’m collecting unemployment while I try to finish up my master’s, but that means that I’m home all the time. I’m in my head with all the bad stuff that I’ve ever done being replayed over and over. I’ve shut out all of my friends because I hate being me and I can’t share this with them. I feel like if I were to actually share with one of my friends all of the bad parts of me, they would run screaming.
I hate myself. I’ve hated myself for most of my life. And I am so tired of it. And alcohol has been along for the ride the whole time. I know that I’ve used drinking as a crutch. I’ve used it to zone out and not take responsibility for my life. I’ve used it as an excuse for bad behavior that I couldn’t own up to. So why is it so hard to give up? I get so depressed after I drink and it takes me so long to recover from my hangovers. I think I’m finally arriving to my bottom. I see myself clearly and I can’t hide anymore. I just don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to erase what I don’t like about myself so that I can look myself in the eye and be proud. I would love to feel comfortable enough with someone--to trust someone enough--to tell them everything I’ve written in this post and know that they would still care for me (I can’t even bring myself to imagine that they would love me). I know that I need to start loving myself first, but my head is such a dark place. Not a lot of light in there right now. I need help, but I don’t even know where to start.
I am about to admit some stuff on here that I am completely incapable of admitting to anyone I know. I’m even feeling anxiety about posting it on this forum even though I know that no one here knows me. Sorry for being such a long post, but I kind of felt like I had to get it all out there. I hate my life. I have almost always hated my life, to one degree or another. I’ve been struggling recently with giving up alcohol and I feel like I’m kind of at a crux in my life--I can’t go on the way I have been and I absolutely need to change. This realization has thrown me into a deep depression, and I keep trying to claw my way out of it, although not successfully.
One of the biggest hurdles to my giving up alcohol and working on changing my life for the better, are the predominant emotions I have towards myself: shame and loathing. I’ve always felt defective, as if there was something broken inside of me that I had to hide from the world. I grew up with an emotionally cruel father and an emotionally crippled mother. And, to make matters worse, I am on the more emotionally sensitive sides of the spectrum so I completely internalized their dysfunction. Emotionally, I felt like I was raised by wolves. I grew up with absolutely no sense of self worth or self esteem. I also had a lot of psychological issues.
First off, I was angry. Very angry. I’m surprised I never really hurt anyone. I did some horrible things to people. Like the time I emailed all of the professors and administrators in an ex-boyfriend‘s med school program and told them that he was a pothead and coke user. Or the time that I made it look like my mom’s house had gotten broken into so that I could trash my brother’s room and steal his stuff because he had pissed me off over something I can’t even remember. Whenever someone would hurt me or reject me or make me feel powerless, I got angry. For the longest time, I couldn’t take ownership of the anger. I didn’t understand the negative ramifications of it. All I knew was, when I got angry and got even, I felt better. I honestly think I might have had sociopathic tendencies.
I got into therapy in my early twenties because I finally admitted how much I hated my mother for not protecting me from my father. I had always 'mentally' protected my mother because I needed to believe that at least one of my parents loved me. Although, when my anger for her surfaced, I had the most distinct visualization of taking a radio and bashing her head in. What I resented about my mother the most was that she never got me help after I tried to kill myself when I was thirteen. I remember my brother had done something mean to me and I grabbed a bottle of pills and was on my way to down them, when my mom grabbed me and 'talked me down'. She never spoke to me about it again. I could never understand this--didn't she think that I was going to do it again? When I finally got up the nerve to talk to her about it (almost 20 years later--who says the past doesn't have power over the present), she told me she didn't even remember it. She isn't a bad person. In fact, she has been in a major depression her whole life and right about the time that I wanted to kill myself, she wanted to kill herself too. I have forgiven her.
My relationship with my father hasn't gone so well. In fact, I completely cut him out of my life about 6 years ago. Nothing dramatic--I just decided to stop going to see him and not to call him. Guess what? I've never heard from him. No, that's not true. My brother has hinted at how angry my father is at me, although I haven't spoken to my brother in years so I haven't heard much of anything from him.
Why did I cut my father and brother out? I like to tell people that I cut my dad out because of how poorly he treated me even into adulthood. But mostly it had to do with shame. I was ashamed of myself because of something I'd done and I performed as I usually do when I feel shamed--I completely withdraw to keep myself from having to deal with those feelings of shame. What had I done? I had tried to commit credit card fraud. I was completely broke at the time and stressed out of my mind. I applied for a credit card in my dad's name and he had credit protection which flagged it. I'm not sure that I would even have gone through with it, but luckily I didn't get that chance. One of the last time I saw my dad, he pulled me aside and asked me about it. I denied it and tried to blame it on some fictitional boyfriend, but I think he knew I was lying. Cutting out my brother was a byproduct of the shame that I felt for trying to defraud my father. Basically, I know that my brother and his wife know what I did, and they also know a whole lot of other stupid and ‘shameful’ stuff that I’ve done--like getting completely trashed and puking at their wedding--and my f'ed up coping strategy is to cut them out of my life.
At this point in my life, I’ve cut almost everyone out. I know that the picture that I’ve painted of myself is pretty bleak, but if I’m going to be honest, I’ve turned into a pretty good person. I was in therapy for a long time and I think I learned a lot of the coping skills that most people learn from a non-abusive childhood. I’ve managed to graduate with an undergrad degree from an Ivy League school and I’m about to get my masters. The friends that I do have now are really great, but I can’t let them in. There’s still a part of me that feels completely unworthy of being loved or liked, and I don’t believe that my friends would accept me if they saw me at my weakest. I used to work at this really great place with loads of really cool and supportive people. I lost my job over the summer (not through any fault of mine), but I am plagued with thoughts of the times that I had gone into work after having a couple of drinks. I don’t think I ever went in drunk, but definitely buzzed. One of my bosses called me for having alcohol on my breath, but I lied and said it was from the night before (which happened to be St. Patrick’s day). He bought it, but I feel like everyone knew every time I went in there buzzed. I feel like the biggest loser right now.
So, here is my life right now. I moved back home with my mom last year and I don’t have a car or a license. I got a dui over the summer and will probably be facing some jail time. I’m collecting unemployment while I try to finish up my master’s, but that means that I’m home all the time. I’m in my head with all the bad stuff that I’ve ever done being replayed over and over. I’ve shut out all of my friends because I hate being me and I can’t share this with them. I feel like if I were to actually share with one of my friends all of the bad parts of me, they would run screaming.
I hate myself. I’ve hated myself for most of my life. And I am so tired of it. And alcohol has been along for the ride the whole time. I know that I’ve used drinking as a crutch. I’ve used it to zone out and not take responsibility for my life. I’ve used it as an excuse for bad behavior that I couldn’t own up to. So why is it so hard to give up? I get so depressed after I drink and it takes me so long to recover from my hangovers. I think I’m finally arriving to my bottom. I see myself clearly and I can’t hide anymore. I just don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to erase what I don’t like about myself so that I can look myself in the eye and be proud. I would love to feel comfortable enough with someone--to trust someone enough--to tell them everything I’ve written in this post and know that they would still care for me (I can’t even bring myself to imagine that they would love me). I know that I need to start loving myself first, but my head is such a dark place. Not a lot of light in there right now. I need help, but I don’t even know where to start.
Last edited by Anna; 11-04-2008 at 03:48 PM.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
It's hard to know what to say. You've had some really awful experiences and they have colored your perception, of yourself and also of the world around you. We are in large part a product of our experiences and with experiences as harrowing as yours, it's hard to get past them into good mental health. I too have never liked myself much and have often hated the person I saw myself as. I haven't had the past life that you have but can totally understand the self loathing.
Wishing to shut the door on our past is just another way of trying to wipe out the horror of it. I can only say that for me, counseling is crucial to setting myself on the path to positive goals for the rest of my life. I hope you have the tool of counseling, in any of its forms, to rise above your problems with your self image and background and make some good out of your current life circumstances. Just getting these memories out 'on paper' can be a healthy purging of these negative influences.
I can empathize completely and will keep you in my prayers for a better and happier life.
:praying :ghug3
Wishing to shut the door on our past is just another way of trying to wipe out the horror of it. I can only say that for me, counseling is crucial to setting myself on the path to positive goals for the rest of my life. I hope you have the tool of counseling, in any of its forms, to rise above your problems with your self image and background and make some good out of your current life circumstances. Just getting these memories out 'on paper' can be a healthy purging of these negative influences.
I can empathize completely and will keep you in my prayers for a better and happier life.
:praying :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
(((ClimbingUP)))
I understand how you feel about not being able to let go of your past. It's not that you don't want to, but the memories just keep flooding in. I think the past is a HUGE weapon used in spiritual warfare. I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but this is just my own personal experience of having my past used against me.
I think it's AMAZING that you have been able to push through all that has been thrown your way and somehow manage to make it through an undergrad at an Ivy League and continue on to get your master's! What an accomplishment! That is so awesome! :) You must focus on your strengths and the positives...I know it's hard and I'm hardly qualified to be giving out advice at this point.
But one thing I do know is this...you need love and support to get through all this. It's too much to carry on your own. From what you've shared about where you are right now in your life, it sounds like AA would be a great support for you even if you aren't drinking...you are still dealing with all the same issues that caused you to drink in the first place and the program focuses on all that.
(((hugs)))
I understand how you feel about not being able to let go of your past. It's not that you don't want to, but the memories just keep flooding in. I think the past is a HUGE weapon used in spiritual warfare. I'm not sure what your beliefs are, but this is just my own personal experience of having my past used against me.
I think it's AMAZING that you have been able to push through all that has been thrown your way and somehow manage to make it through an undergrad at an Ivy League and continue on to get your master's! What an accomplishment! That is so awesome! :) You must focus on your strengths and the positives...I know it's hard and I'm hardly qualified to be giving out advice at this point.
But one thing I do know is this...you need love and support to get through all this. It's too much to carry on your own. From what you've shared about where you are right now in your life, it sounds like AA would be a great support for you even if you aren't drinking...you are still dealing with all the same issues that caused you to drink in the first place and the program focuses on all that.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Hotel California
Posts: 175
I've struggled with the concept of love all my life. An old timer once told me that love is a "genuine care and concern for another". If that definition is true then I can honestly say that I love you. I will not, cannot and should not judge you. Others should not judge you... lest they be judged.
We have all done things we are ashamed of. Do your best to stop doing things that you know will cause more pain. You can get though this but like others have said, you're going to need some help.
We have all done things we are ashamed of. Do your best to stop doing things that you know will cause more pain. You can get though this but like others have said, you're going to need some help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 106
Well, I just got back from my 2nd ever AA meeting and I'm going to try to get to another one tonight. Even better, I finally confided in a friend about my problems with alcohol and depression. She's been trying to get me to go out with her for a couple of months and I kept making excuses to be alone. It felt really good to share and to hear her tell me how much she cares about me. I know that I need to talk to others so that I maintain a more 'realistic' impression of myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Hotel California
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by ClimbingUP 
Well, I just got back from my 2nd ever AA meeting and I'm going to try to get to another one tonight. Even better, I finally confided in a friend about my problems with alcohol and depression. She's been trying to get me to go out with her for a couple of months and I kept making excuses to be alone. It felt really good to share and to hear her tell me how much she cares about me. I know that I need to talk to others so that I maintain a more 'realistic' impression of myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey ClimbingUp.
I wish I had more time to write a response; I'm on my way to work in a little bit. Might add something later tonight.
I read your story and while I can't say that "I know what it's like" being that I'm a guy, which prevents me from getting a lot of what you went through, I have had really bad depression and a lot of self-hatred for many years.
I've been sober almost two months now, which isn't a lot of time, but it's done me wonders. I absolutely cannot say that since I've stopped drinking my life has gotten wonderful. Things aren't going fantastic for me at the moment. I've been having reoccurring suicide dreams, I've been sick for weeks and I just recently got my depression medication prescribed for the maximum allowed.
<b>But here's the good part!</b> If I was drinking then things could be so much worse. I know that, because when I look back at my life over the last couple years I am able to see now how, if I had sobriety then, things probably always would've gone better. I am still under the thumb of the courts for a DUI myself, which cost me plenty. I had a few relationships fall apart that have yet to be fixed--if they ever will be.
You said that drinking is your crutch. I think most everyone here can relate to that metaphor somehow. The thing with crutches though--actual crutches--is that they're their to help you until you can stand on your own, literally. Alcohol, in that sense, is never a crutch. When it's addiction, it's only going to break you further.
I hope you find something that works. AA, it took me a long time to find a way for me to appreciate AA meetings, but I'm learning to like those tables more and more. I'm still dancing around the steps, but I've gotten to know a lot of people in the program well, and it's fantastic support to have. Wish you all the best that is possible. Keep your head up.
I wish I had more time to write a response; I'm on my way to work in a little bit. Might add something later tonight.
I read your story and while I can't say that "I know what it's like" being that I'm a guy, which prevents me from getting a lot of what you went through, I have had really bad depression and a lot of self-hatred for many years.
I've been sober almost two months now, which isn't a lot of time, but it's done me wonders. I absolutely cannot say that since I've stopped drinking my life has gotten wonderful. Things aren't going fantastic for me at the moment. I've been having reoccurring suicide dreams, I've been sick for weeks and I just recently got my depression medication prescribed for the maximum allowed.
<b>But here's the good part!</b> If I was drinking then things could be so much worse. I know that, because when I look back at my life over the last couple years I am able to see now how, if I had sobriety then, things probably always would've gone better. I am still under the thumb of the courts for a DUI myself, which cost me plenty. I had a few relationships fall apart that have yet to be fixed--if they ever will be.
You said that drinking is your crutch. I think most everyone here can relate to that metaphor somehow. The thing with crutches though--actual crutches--is that they're their to help you until you can stand on your own, literally. Alcohol, in that sense, is never a crutch. When it's addiction, it's only going to break you further.
I hope you find something that works. AA, it took me a long time to find a way for me to appreciate AA meetings, but I'm learning to like those tables more and more. I'm still dancing around the steps, but I've gotten to know a lot of people in the program well, and it's fantastic support to have. Wish you all the best that is possible. Keep your head up.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Hotel California
Posts: 175
Just a quick comment on the steps...
Originally Posted by Isaiah
I'm still dancing around the steps
Just my experience.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Every human has done something they are ashamed of, some more so than others, but no-one has been, is or ever will be PERFECT.
I love recalling this comment when I am going thru the guilts or feeling ashamed of something I have done or said.
"There has only ever been one PERFECT human on this earth,
and He spent a painful and miserable first Easter."
God be with you in your struggles and in your successes.
I love recalling this comment when I am going thru the guilts or feeling ashamed of something I have done or said.
"There has only ever been one PERFECT human on this earth,
and He spent a painful and miserable first Easter."
God be with you in your struggles and in your successes.
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