sodetermined

I am having this overwhelming urge to call Chris. I laid in bed and cried last night (I waited until Ryan was sleeping), I am missing him so much, then I cried on the way to work. I am obsessing again, and I keep telling myself that going back to him would just hurt a lot less, maybe I should just call and apologize. I don't know, maybe I need professional help but when these feelings come up they are so overwhelming.

It hurts me so much thinking I will never get to talk to him again, that it's just over like that. Everyone keeps saying he will call, and I shouldn't even be focusing on that but the thoughts won't go away. Maybe he is trying to get back at me for talking to Eric while he was in jail, maybe he is wanting me to fight for him.

I don't know I'm all messed up.

CatsPajamas

((( So Confused )))

I remember feeling that way more than once. The times that I DID call I regretted later. It sucked me back into the drama and then I had to work doubly hard to get back out again.

It took me time to realize that I was as addicted to HIM as he was to his substance. I couldn't control his moods, his choices, his behaviors OR his recovery, but I learned I could do something about mine.

I lined up some good recovery friends who agreed to be there for me anytime I wanted/needed to call - so I could call one of them when I had an urge to call him. We set a limit of 5 minutes ~ that was the amount of time I could talk about him and how much I missed him ~ and then we moved to talking about recovery, solutions, how much I had grown since I got out of that toxic relationship.

Little by slow it got better. I got better. I still care for him but we aren't in contact anymore, and I hope he finds recovery, serenity and peace in his life. But I can't do it for him. He has to seek that out and work it for himself.

Take good care of you. You're worth it.

sodetermined

I am absolutely aware that he is an addiction for me. The thoughts I am having are just super strong today (and last night), that maybe I should have just stayed and tried working on my own happiness more, and just love him for him, accept him for him.

Silverberry1331

(((so confused)))...

I had the exact same problem with Don, so I understand. Who said you can't talk to him forever? Just choose the moment. "Just for Today..." or "Just for this Moment..." if the day is too much.

If you look at tomorrow, next week, next year, you can have a major anxiety attack. No one is telling you (including yourself) that you can't call him...but "just for today..." Same thing with telling an alcoholic they can't ever drink again...what an awful feeling, but if Just for today they chose not to drink, then it is more manageable.

Don't worry about tomorrow, next month, or ever again...today has enough challenges in itself. By giving yourself "one day at a time" you don't put so much pressure and finality on yourself.

JMHO!

Love!

worriedwife2

(((So Confused))), I truly feel for you. I think that is why I haven't actually left my AH because I am afraid of going through what you are going through. I think you are so strong. Please hang in there and keep listening to what everyone is saying. A lot of your posts I could have written myself. I just want you to know that you are inspiring to me. YOU can do this. We really deep down inside know what is best, but our minds begin to play tricks on us. Maybe writing down all the wrong that has been done to you will help you remember not only the good.

I am sorry I don't have great advice. I just want you to know that I can feel your hurt, and I am thinking about you.

Chris

Lilyflower

((((SC)))) did you manage to get through that list you were going to write? I know it takes a hugh amount of emotional energy to do, but you will feel the weight lifted afterward.

At the moment, my thought on this is that your emotions are stuck as you haven't processed any thoughts or feelings about the relationship? For example, you have said you have difficulty remembering the bad times, you are latching on to the past, yet to do your lists/journal?

I believe that emotions need to flow or they get stale and destructive within us. I think that by doing some work like the lists and journalling you will release the build up inside of yourself, it always helped me to feel lighter and free.

I like what Cats said about having a recovery friend/s on stand by. I did this too. My very good friend Jan was always on hand for me to chat to, go to visit etc. She did the exact same with me as what Cats said - spend so much time letting me talk about him and my feelings and then we would do some recovery work like affirmations, working on my detaching, focusing on how I was progressing or even her just reminding me of the bad times to keep me in reality.

I hope you feel better,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sodetermined

Thank you all so much, for ALWAYS being here, within minutes.

Lily, I have thought of some stuff to write, but haven't yet. Last night when I got home I had a leaky kitchen sink, the kitchen and bathroom sinks are both clogged. I was very overwhelmed, and a friend of mine called at the right time, and invited Ryan and I over to carve pumpkins and for dinner. So we did, and I really had a good night (I mean the best I could). We got home about bedtime, watched some tv, and I did some reading on SR. I was ok, until bedtime. Then it hit me....and really hasn't let up.

I wasn't able to go to Al-Anon on Monday night, well because my dryer quit working, and I had to haul laundry to the laundry matt. (and boy, wet clothes are heavy). I have a list of people from the first meeting, but I hate to call anyone because I barely know them.

I guess I just need to focus on getting through the day, and deal with tomorrow tomorrow. Feeling like this, makes me wish I was more understanding about Chris feeling the urge to drink.

Freedom1990

We can put up all kinds of road blocks to our recovery.

The only way we get to know people in the program is to talk to them.

I've had gals ask me to sponsor them before they know me real well, and believe me, it does me a world of good when they call and talk to me. You are helping someone else by reaching out to them.

Those ladies in Alanon need you as much as you need them, my dear. :ghug

Pajarito

(((Soco))) I had a crying bout myself this morning while trying to get ready for work. Sometimes it just hits me, but I know calling STBXAH is just not an option. Looking back anyway I never really felt he understood me or my sadness. He wasn't comforting- just taking or withdrawing. Anyway- I just wanted you to know you are not alone. It is hard! Think about what's been said here- he is like your addiction- you feel uncomfortable having it taken away from you, because now you have to figure out a new way of living. But I know- at least for me- that this way is getting better, and will continue to get better. I know I deserve more than what STBXAH could offer me. I was starving, and trying to accept him for what he is for me means removing myself from the poison that he is. I have a dd- and I do not want her to see how unhealthy the dynamic is that we had- not a good example of a marriage. And I suspect your son saw and heard some things you really wouldn't want him to be exposed to. You are strong- you are showing him by your example that it's not ok to settle. And the more you do with him, the more joy you will find in your life. My dd is the joy in my life- and all I want to do right now is be here for her, doing fun things and living for us! No one said it would be easy, but over and over I have read how it gets better, and I do believe that. Remember- feelings are temporary- like with me this morning- I cried/felt bad, but now I'm at work feeling ok. I hope you feel better soon too!

ToughChoices

Compassion, empathy, understanding - all good things, BUT

When I read this I wanted to give you a swift kick in the rear! (a gentle, loving kick, of course.)


So you weren't the most understanding, the most giving person during your relationship.
Neither was he.

Don't you forget it.

It takes two people to make it work. I'm proud of you for acknowledging your character flaws, but I'm not sure that it's helpful to take on ALL the responsibility for being understanding.

Keep your chin up!
-TC

Pajarito

Awesome reminder TC!

Lilyflower

Life has a way of getting in the way! Even of our recovery! You are doing what you can and that is fabulous! Be so gentle with yourself, you need so much love and care right now, because you are going through a big change, and by jove, don't we all resist that!?

Reach out to them SC, they would not have given their number if they didn't expect you to call!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cem001

GOOD POINT!

GREAT POINT!

Startingover2

Your addiction will take some time just like his will if he chose to get help. I know exactly what you feel. You picture him going on merrily with his little life and you are left alone and with all the pieces. Bet you its not all that rosey for him.

I have days like this and its been months since I kicked him out. I do have to see him alot because of the baby which almost makes it worse.

denny57

Didn't you try that already?

((( )))