Help, have Alco Friend, don't know what to do.
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
Help, have Alco Friend, don't know what to do.
I'm new to all this, I read some articles but I would assume you would know more than me.
I met my friend a month and a friend ago, we became very close, to be honest there were emotions there. she said she met someone knew but when she broke it off she started crying and still wanted to be friends because she said she really wanted to be friends but I think feelings are still there because how she acts in certain situations.
thats not the point but helps with the story. my friend is a alcoholic, It hurts me alot to see what she does to herself. everytime we hang out she gets wasted, I started to forcefully tell her, take the bottle out of her hand but when I do she starts to insult me, "are you trying to be my father?". its the only thing I can do.
she is coherent when she is wasted so talking to her about serious matters isnt the problem yet she admitted she had a problem once but never did anything about it although she told me if I wanted to go someplace without alcohol. she has been saying shes a "*** up" but I think the guilt is at its high.
I told her last friday that she abuses herself, not physically but uses different methods. she agreed, while she was wasted she was coherent in her answers.
she gets softer when it comes to emotions when she drinks, although when she is sober she can be cruel, insensitive. she says its her personality but I started to doubt that when I read certain articles and read other users have experienced the same mean, cruelness. am I wrong?
toward her drinking, she doesnt stop, she doesnt know how to stop. she always wants to goto the bar and drink. she'll leave me and just goes for the alcohol. it hurts because its someone you love and in the back of your mind you know its not totally her, its her addiction thats causing it.
she also looks for the next party, if we are at dinner, she'll call her friends to hang out, if I dont want to go or cause a fight about it she'll leave and goto the bar, I waited for her outside of a restaurant for a half hour once. she came out wasted and couldnt walk. the only time she hasnt been drunk is our first date and she was buzzed even then. that same thing even though she couldnt walk she wanted to goto the bar across the street.
she tells me to buy a 12 pack everytime we hang out at home or even after we go out to dinner. its hard because I love this person and you cant control what she is doing.
one time I was going to pick her up to hang out and she was at a bar, she lied about wanting me to meet the manager but the truth was to pay her tab. it was a 50 dollar tab and she only had 30 dollars on her, it was weird at first because I didnt come to the realization of her situation. I'm a gentlemen so of course I paid the tab and didnt ask questions.
the hardest part is witnessing how she acts and what she does to herself. even if she is wasted she'll want to stop at a gas station and buy a 12 pack for the day. she drinks alot, she stashes alcohol around her house. the hardest part is seeing when she cant even walk with a 12 pack in her hand, its sick and ruins me.
God help me if i take the 12 pack away because I'll be a piece of **** who doesnt know how to have fun. she also puts beer in her purse so she can hide it going home.
theres so much more thats private but this is just a picture of what I don't know what to do.
recently I been more forceful in telling her that I don't like seeing her like this and she says im being condescending. her mom says she comes home drunk every night and cant remember what happens, she says she remembers everything but I can see it in her tone she is lying.
she constantly lies to me and is overly mean to me and coming from a female is weird for me. her mom said all her decent friends left her because they got fed up and that she just meets new ones.
when I tell her I don't like seeing her drunk she says "this is mee". I thought that was odd but read it on the net that is one of their excuses.
I love her and I told her I'm never leaving her but I know she has to hit rock bottom for her to want to change yet It'll hurt me to see her like that.
I met my friend a month and a friend ago, we became very close, to be honest there were emotions there. she said she met someone knew but when she broke it off she started crying and still wanted to be friends because she said she really wanted to be friends but I think feelings are still there because how she acts in certain situations.
thats not the point but helps with the story. my friend is a alcoholic, It hurts me alot to see what she does to herself. everytime we hang out she gets wasted, I started to forcefully tell her, take the bottle out of her hand but when I do she starts to insult me, "are you trying to be my father?". its the only thing I can do.
she is coherent when she is wasted so talking to her about serious matters isnt the problem yet she admitted she had a problem once but never did anything about it although she told me if I wanted to go someplace without alcohol. she has been saying shes a "*** up" but I think the guilt is at its high.
I told her last friday that she abuses herself, not physically but uses different methods. she agreed, while she was wasted she was coherent in her answers.
she gets softer when it comes to emotions when she drinks, although when she is sober she can be cruel, insensitive. she says its her personality but I started to doubt that when I read certain articles and read other users have experienced the same mean, cruelness. am I wrong?
toward her drinking, she doesnt stop, she doesnt know how to stop. she always wants to goto the bar and drink. she'll leave me and just goes for the alcohol. it hurts because its someone you love and in the back of your mind you know its not totally her, its her addiction thats causing it.
she also looks for the next party, if we are at dinner, she'll call her friends to hang out, if I dont want to go or cause a fight about it she'll leave and goto the bar, I waited for her outside of a restaurant for a half hour once. she came out wasted and couldnt walk. the only time she hasnt been drunk is our first date and she was buzzed even then. that same thing even though she couldnt walk she wanted to goto the bar across the street.
she tells me to buy a 12 pack everytime we hang out at home or even after we go out to dinner. its hard because I love this person and you cant control what she is doing.
one time I was going to pick her up to hang out and she was at a bar, she lied about wanting me to meet the manager but the truth was to pay her tab. it was a 50 dollar tab and she only had 30 dollars on her, it was weird at first because I didnt come to the realization of her situation. I'm a gentlemen so of course I paid the tab and didnt ask questions.
the hardest part is witnessing how she acts and what she does to herself. even if she is wasted she'll want to stop at a gas station and buy a 12 pack for the day. she drinks alot, she stashes alcohol around her house. the hardest part is seeing when she cant even walk with a 12 pack in her hand, its sick and ruins me.
God help me if i take the 12 pack away because I'll be a piece of **** who doesnt know how to have fun. she also puts beer in her purse so she can hide it going home.
theres so much more thats private but this is just a picture of what I don't know what to do.
recently I been more forceful in telling her that I don't like seeing her like this and she says im being condescending. her mom says she comes home drunk every night and cant remember what happens, she says she remembers everything but I can see it in her tone she is lying.
she constantly lies to me and is overly mean to me and coming from a female is weird for me. her mom said all her decent friends left her because they got fed up and that she just meets new ones.
when I tell her I don't like seeing her drunk she says "this is mee". I thought that was odd but read it on the net that is one of their excuses.
I love her and I told her I'm never leaving her but I know she has to hit rock bottom for her to want to change yet It'll hurt me to see her like that.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Do NOT buy her alcohol, do not take her to bars. Distance yourself from her. My best friend was an alcoholic and drank herself to death. She had all the information. She died at 36, she started at 19. You can not control them, cause it, or cure it.
Sometimes their rock bottom is death.
She is not ready and you can not make her ready.
It's up to her parents, not you as a friend.
You can not be her savior no matter how hard you try.
She is not a special alcoholic, you can not make her "see the light"
I loved my best friend with all of my heart but I had to step back. I did at one time buy her alcohol and take her to the bars and that was the DUMBEST things I could have done. Step back. Let her know you care but you can not watch her commit suicide slowly and you hope she gets help.
Sorry you are going through this but there is nothing you can do.
Sometimes their rock bottom is death.
She is not ready and you can not make her ready.
It's up to her parents, not you as a friend.
You can not be her savior no matter how hard you try.
She is not a special alcoholic, you can not make her "see the light"
I loved my best friend with all of my heart but I had to step back. I did at one time buy her alcohol and take her to the bars and that was the DUMBEST things I could have done. Step back. Let her know you care but you can not watch her commit suicide slowly and you hope she gets help.
Sorry you are going through this but there is nothing you can do.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I had to ask myself why I claimed to love someone who lied to me, was irresponsible, was emotionally abusive to me, and was obsessed with alcohol. I found the answer to that question by participating daily on SR and attending Alanon. I hope you'll give them a try.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. Please take a look at the sticky threads to learn more about this disease. The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good place to start.
You have come to the right place for help. I highly recommend attending Al-Anon for anyone who cares for and/or is affected by an alcoholic. Al-Anon, and counseling plus coming here to SR has taught me a great deal about myself and helped me to realize that I was accepting unacceptable behaviors from others in my life.
There are plenty people here who have found themselves in the same situation and have learned to change how _they_ act or react to what the alcoholic does or does not do.
Here are some helpful facts about this disease.
The 3 C's of alcoholism are:
I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
You have come to the right place for help. I highly recommend attending Al-Anon for anyone who cares for and/or is affected by an alcoholic. Al-Anon, and counseling plus coming here to SR has taught me a great deal about myself and helped me to realize that I was accepting unacceptable behaviors from others in my life.
There are plenty people here who have found themselves in the same situation and have learned to change how _they_ act or react to what the alcoholic does or does not do.
Here are some helpful facts about this disease.
The 3 C's of alcoholism are:
I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and welcome!
The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and all her issues.
I'm curious as to why you are so invested in this person after just one month. Sometimes the best answers come from inside us, so it's something to think about.
Keep posting, it helps!
The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and all her issues.
I'm curious as to why you are so invested in this person after just one month. Sometimes the best answers come from inside us, so it's something to think about.
Keep posting, it helps!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I am so sorry that you are in this awful situation, and really do not know what to say that may not sound unkind or unfeeling.
You have known her for only a month and she has been off the planet with beer the whole time, has been cruel and insensitive to you, and causes you worry and pain.
Lots of us have had partners or friends who were like this lass, but usually they showed us their "good" side first, and it was later in the relationship that we got the s**t part of life with a drinker.
You began a relationship with her already way down the road of alcoholic hell. Are you prepared to travel that rocky road with her, and accept that you will stay 3rd fiddle to her drinking and partying, possibly for years? You can't "save" her from anything, only she can do that - if she wants to. The only person you can save is yourself, from the pain, misery and insanity that is involved in loving a raging alcoholic.
Please take a good hard look at where you are, and where you want to be, before you sacrifice your life.
I wish you all the best.
You have known her for only a month and she has been off the planet with beer the whole time, has been cruel and insensitive to you, and causes you worry and pain.
Lots of us have had partners or friends who were like this lass, but usually they showed us their "good" side first, and it was later in the relationship that we got the s**t part of life with a drinker.
You began a relationship with her already way down the road of alcoholic hell. Are you prepared to travel that rocky road with her, and accept that you will stay 3rd fiddle to her drinking and partying, possibly for years? You can't "save" her from anything, only she can do that - if she wants to. The only person you can save is yourself, from the pain, misery and insanity that is involved in loving a raging alcoholic.
Please take a good hard look at where you are, and where you want to be, before you sacrifice your life.
I wish you all the best.
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
well we have alot in common and we hung out alot. we both like finance, economics, classical music, wine but more on the side of the agriculture and market aspect of it., music, movies.. etc
we were going into a relationship but since I didnt drink like her or her scumbag friends. (she told me once she was going to go see a movie and brought a 40oz with her). she told me we're not compatible but earlier she said we had alot in common..
her drinking and other addictions (not just alcohol) has severely effected her judgement and she admits she makes bad decisions.
I'm coming to the realization that she went for someone else because I don't enable or like the way she drinks.
most of her friends are enablers to the extreme. they don't care about her, they just like the fact how she partys and think its cool but they don't care they she hurts herself and that she admitted she does this.
we were going into a relationship but since I didnt drink like her or her scumbag friends. (she told me once she was going to go see a movie and brought a 40oz with her). she told me we're not compatible but earlier she said we had alot in common..
her drinking and other addictions (not just alcohol) has severely effected her judgement and she admits she makes bad decisions.
I'm coming to the realization that she went for someone else because I don't enable or like the way she drinks.
most of her friends are enablers to the extreme. they don't care about her, they just like the fact how she partys and think its cool but they don't care they she hurts herself and that she admitted she does this.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
her drinking and other addictions (not just alcohol) has severely effected her judgement and she admits she makes bad decisions.
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
I guess I'm obsessed because I see that no one cares, they only care that she partys and they dont see whats happening to her, she reminds me of Robert Deniro's wife in Casino, all beautiful at first, then at the end she died because of a overdose.
shes very smart, she wants to goto Yale, UCLA. she went to a very good university but I'm assuming she got kicked out. her reason doesnt make sense yet I take everything she says with a grain of salt. I learned early on that she lies because her statements are inconsistant and I told her that.
Sunday I was over her house, she wasnt home, I told her I just wanted to hang out at her house but she didnt show up, she was with one of her friends to smoke and do whatever.
I was waiting for 3 hours til 1030 in the kitchen alone, her father came up once in awhile to check if she came home. her mom finally came home and told me what things I didn't know. I told her we had fights over her drinking. I didnt try to reveal to much because it was her privacy but I havent talked to her since that sunday.
I hope her mom didnt tell her that we talked or I would be seem sided with them because her point of view of things is cracked. she sees things differently, she thinks her parents are mean to her but I could see they care.
I'm just winging this, I don't know what to do but the fact that I'll never talk to her again scares me.
shes very smart, she wants to goto Yale, UCLA. she went to a very good university but I'm assuming she got kicked out. her reason doesnt make sense yet I take everything she says with a grain of salt. I learned early on that she lies because her statements are inconsistant and I told her that.
Sunday I was over her house, she wasnt home, I told her I just wanted to hang out at her house but she didnt show up, she was with one of her friends to smoke and do whatever.
I was waiting for 3 hours til 1030 in the kitchen alone, her father came up once in awhile to check if she came home. her mom finally came home and told me what things I didn't know. I told her we had fights over her drinking. I didnt try to reveal to much because it was her privacy but I havent talked to her since that sunday.
I hope her mom didnt tell her that we talked or I would be seem sided with them because her point of view of things is cracked. she sees things differently, she thinks her parents are mean to her but I could see they care.
I'm just winging this, I don't know what to do but the fact that I'll never talk to her again scares me.
No Codie No More.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
I forgot to mention that she is overly mean and cruel. when she is sober and she is a complete different person when she is on alcohol.
she also recently started telling me she couldnt fall inlove with me when a day earlier she said she loved me. she also said numerous times that I'm someone who she can fall inlove with but the recent script is she loves me but can't fall inlove with me but her confession of loving me is iffy.
I stopped believing her, we even got into fights of her actually loving me and enjoying hurting me.
she also recently started telling me she couldnt fall inlove with me when a day earlier she said she loved me. she also said numerous times that I'm someone who she can fall inlove with but the recent script is she loves me but can't fall inlove with me but her confession of loving me is iffy.
I stopped believing her, we even got into fights of her actually loving me and enjoying hurting me.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Holy cow, drained!
What are you getting out of spending time with her? Even if she can discuss economics and wine and agriculture, even if she is bright and full of potential - is this relationship worth the pain that it is bringing you?
I'm here to tell you that there are people out there who can make great conversation, on any number of topics, without verbally abusing you at any point! Without professing and then retracting their "love" for you!
You deserve one of those people. You deserve someone who will treat you with as much kindness and sensitivity as you are treating her.
Take care of yourself.
-TC
What are you getting out of spending time with her? Even if she can discuss economics and wine and agriculture, even if she is bright and full of potential - is this relationship worth the pain that it is bringing you?
I'm here to tell you that there are people out there who can make great conversation, on any number of topics, without verbally abusing you at any point! Without professing and then retracting their "love" for you!
You deserve one of those people. You deserve someone who will treat you with as much kindness and sensitivity as you are treating her.
Take care of yourself.
-TC
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by drained22 
some sort of friendship. would I be any better if I just dropped her? I told her I'll always be there for her.
What do you get out of "being there for her"?
My friendships enrich my life, too, and that's okay.
You don't have to be the one to sacrifice everything so that she can MAYBE be in a better place.
Am I correct in assuming that you still have some romantic inclinations, here?
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
For some reason, when romance became involved in my "friendships", my instincts for self-preservation flew out the window.
I quit taking care of my needs and starting taking care of the other person.
In my case, this behavior had some important ties to my relationship with my father - it may be worth your while to investigate why you are so interested in loving and being romantically involved with an emotionally unavailable alcoholic whom you've known for so short a time.
Counseling and Al-Anon helped me more than I can say.
I quit taking care of my needs and starting taking care of the other person.
In my case, this behavior had some important ties to my relationship with my father - it may be worth your while to investigate why you are so interested in loving and being romantically involved with an emotionally unavailable alcoholic whom you've known for so short a time.
Counseling and Al-Anon helped me more than I can say.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Sorry again, drained,
This relationship doesn't sound very friendly, romantic, loving or enriching for you. It only sounds like a nightmare you are having while wide awake.
You want to help her, all her friends and family have given up on her and she is still doing what she wants to do, irregardless of your "help" and love.
That is because she STILL WANTS to do what she is doing.
She may hit bottom and want help at sometime, but will you be able to cope by then, or will you be a mental and physical wreck yourself?
You need to take care of you and look at why you want to be in such a miserable, soul destroying relationship with her.
I wish you all the best, (if there is any best in this situation).
This relationship doesn't sound very friendly, romantic, loving or enriching for you. It only sounds like a nightmare you are having while wide awake.
You want to help her, all her friends and family have given up on her and she is still doing what she wants to do, irregardless of your "help" and love.
That is because she STILL WANTS to do what she is doing.
She may hit bottom and want help at sometime, but will you be able to cope by then, or will you be a mental and physical wreck yourself?
You need to take care of you and look at why you want to be in such a miserable, soul destroying relationship with her.
I wish you all the best, (if there is any best in this situation).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 59
Hi Drained,
I would take the advice you get here seriously. I can only speak from personal experience.
If I had to do it all over again with my fiancee, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. The only reason I'm still around today is because she has finally committed to getting help. She is on a waiting list for rehabilitation. Mind you it took 2 years of me realizing she had a serious problem for her to get to this point.
We've been together for just under 4 years. More than half of our relationship has been miserable. Even if I knew 2 years ago that she would evenutally try to get help, I still would have left. It's been 2 years of lying, lack of trust, insecurities, possessiveness, controlling, emotional abuse, suicide attempts, near infidelities, worrying all night if she is able to get home or if anything serious had happened to her, etc...
It is very draining.
It's just not worth the pain I put myself through. I look at myself today and I don't recognize myself in the slightest. I have become an angry, bitter, controlling, possessive person. I don't like who I see when I look in the mirror anymore. Someone elses alcoholism will always change you and 99% of the time, it will change you for the worst until you decide to get help.
Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. If you wish to continue this relationship, I would recommend attending Alanon immediately and never lose sight of who you are.
If I was in your position (as I was before), I would have told my fiancee that I can't accept watching her do this to herself. I will always be there for you, but I can't be with you while watching you deteriorate. I would tell her to call me once she has sorted out her demons and has gotten help and perhaps we could work on our relationship then.
Good luck with your decisions.
I would take the advice you get here seriously. I can only speak from personal experience.
If I had to do it all over again with my fiancee, I would have ended the relationship a long time ago. The only reason I'm still around today is because she has finally committed to getting help. She is on a waiting list for rehabilitation. Mind you it took 2 years of me realizing she had a serious problem for her to get to this point.
We've been together for just under 4 years. More than half of our relationship has been miserable. Even if I knew 2 years ago that she would evenutally try to get help, I still would have left. It's been 2 years of lying, lack of trust, insecurities, possessiveness, controlling, emotional abuse, suicide attempts, near infidelities, worrying all night if she is able to get home or if anything serious had happened to her, etc...
It is very draining.
It's just not worth the pain I put myself through. I look at myself today and I don't recognize myself in the slightest. I have become an angry, bitter, controlling, possessive person. I don't like who I see when I look in the mirror anymore. Someone elses alcoholism will always change you and 99% of the time, it will change you for the worst until you decide to get help.
Take a long look at yourself in the mirror. If you wish to continue this relationship, I would recommend attending Alanon immediately and never lose sight of who you are.
If I was in your position (as I was before), I would have told my fiancee that I can't accept watching her do this to herself. I will always be there for you, but I can't be with you while watching you deteriorate. I would tell her to call me once she has sorted out her demons and has gotten help and perhaps we could work on our relationship then.
Good luck with your decisions.
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