veryrestless722

ive been reading through alot of the posts on here and alot of people are tryin to get their A's into rehab or to quit drinking(or hoping they will go), but is that really any better? Then I hear of a "dry" drunk, while they may not drink, they are cruel and angry all the time.

Is there any hope of any of them getting truly sober? I guess ive hung onto the hope that if my AH would ever hit bottom then one day in the future he might would go to rehab and pick his life back up, but really whats the point if he would just be so mean and cruel all the time. So even if he gets sober, theres no way i could ever let him in my life or my sons life.

there just seems no hope for anyone whos an alcoholic...

denny57

I personally no longer live in the future. I finally figured out I needed to make my own best life today - not tomorrow. I could not pin it on hopes and dreams with an addict.

I believe addicts recover/get sober every day. I had to decide how many days of my one precious life I was willing to sacrifice to wait. For some, the wait is worth it. It just wasn't for me.

((( )))

veryrestless722

i didnt really mean i was sitting around waiting on him, my life continues to move forward, no matter what he does now or in the future, but somewhere in the back of my mind ill always have hope for him regardless if we were together or not, its more if i could ever let him in my son's life, not for my AH but for my son's sake, because i know the day will come when i get questions about his real father

i just think its sad that even when they do get sober it doesnt always help, i just hate this disease with a passion

denny57

Me, too.

justsomegirl

And me......

Stubborn1

I had hope so many years and then realized after my friends died that they don't come back to sobriety. The choice is up to them. As I sit in the hospital with my ah these last few days I still hear rebellion in his voice. I don't hear the want to get better like I hoped I would.
A part of me thinks that if he gets out of this he will try to control it again.
So many years have gone by and I'm not who I was. I want him sober so he can be a father. Not as my husband or lover. Those feelings have gone from me and I honestly don't think I can get them back.
I have faced the fact that he is not the man I married, he has changed and not in a good way. I have changed for the better.
HE has the choice to DIE or get sober, that's it. NO other choices. I'm prepared for either.
I wouldn't wish this "bottom" for anyone. It's pathetic and disgusting and made an old man out of a once handsome professional man.
Statistically speaking I think the older they are the more chance they have of dying rather then sobriety. Sometimes I think death would be welcomed so he would not suffer and I wouldn't have to hear broken promises.

hellma

Hi restless,

I have also always wondered if my ASO will ever hit bottom and stop drinking. I completely lost faith when we separated and he continued to drink even more. To my surprise, he did hit bottom last week and is now in rehab. He currently seems to be very remorsful and ashamed of his past behavior and is not cruel nor mean. Of course, there is no guarantee this will last as his recovery is in its earliest stage, but I do have hope that it will. Only time will reveal what happens next. However, I know for a fact that even if he stays sober it will be very difficult to try to rebuild the trust and the relationship.

Meanwhile, I will continue to work on myself and go to Al-Anon meetings because I need serenity in my life with or without him.

Stubborn1

Valid point Hellma, the trust is sooooooo hard to regain. I will have an issue with that for a while. I know he's only in recovery for a few days but I already can sniff out his sneeky-ness. When he starts putting me and the kids before him (after his recovery of course) then maybe I'll start to believe. It's going to take years.
My ah has hit "bottom" too many time. I don't know if there is a bottom besides death truthfully. IF they drink they are miserable, if they are not drinking they are miserable. They try to pick up another habit to replace the old one. No way to understand it. It's like one big black hole, for me anyway

FormerDoormat

In the end, I think Richard welcomed death; his overwhelming urge to drink tormented him so. And while he never found lasting sobriety, I found recovery for myself. It began in spurts and stops when I joined SR and Alanon. But it gained momentum and went full steam ahead the moment I ended my relationship with him.

I couldn't find lasting peace and serenity while watching Richard slowly drink himself to death. For me it was just not possible. I used to think it was selfish of me and just plain wrong to abandon him during his last days, but then I realized it was wrong of me to abandon myself for the 25 years that I was wrapped up in his problem. Alcohol nearly robbed two people of their lives--Richard and me.

Both of us were thrown lifelines by our families, friends, the medical community, and the fine folks at SR and Alanon. I grabbed a hold of the rope, held on with all my might and found recovery. Richard let the rope and his life slip from his hands.

We both had choices. One of us chose life; the other death. What kind of life do you choose for yourself?

Jadmack25

Have known a few marriages that survived and flourished after recovery. Not many, but enough to keep me still in the relationship to NOW. Hope my abf's current sobriety and counselling continues and grows into a better life for us from now on.
If the booze re-enters his life however, then I leave it for good, MY GOOD.

Aquarian

Is there any hope of any of them getting truly sober?

That's the million dollar question for SO many of us. I am still betting on yes, for my life with my AH. I don't want to give up on our 22 year marriage (most of it was good). But like Jadmack, this is our last go. I made it perfectly clear that if he drinks, we are done for good.

And if he gets the 'crabby dry drunk' attitude, I won't put up with that either.

Finally I am learning that my life is precious and I deserve WAY more than I used to put up with!

CatsPajamas

I have many friends in the program, a handful of whom have been clean and sober for over 20 years. There is life on the other side for some, and yet for others they just can't seem to live with the idea of giving up their drink or drug. Each person is different. And, like someone said, each of us has to make a decision about how we want to spend our time.

I agree with others, I really REALLY hate this disease.

Ago

I did

I notice a LOT of "sober" people on these boards, although here in FaF they are mostly women

and I mean truly sober (some women on these boards) recovery shines from every post

I dated a wonderful woman in recovery who now has 21 years

So, yeah, it does happen.

veryrestless722

Formerdoormat-- i know you said you werent in a relationship with richard when he died, but how did you deal with his death? while i know i will probably never be with my AH again, it would still devastate me if he were to die, even though ive wished it of him a few times
i have a feeling my AH's bottom will be death, but i cant do anything for him anymore, my grandfathers bottom was his strokes, which is/was pretty much death, now hes at peace but his whole life was wasted and i know my AH is heading down the same path

thanks for all your replies

veryrestless722

now im not trying to be sexist or anything so dont take this the wrong way, but ive noticed alot of the "sober" people on here are women, i think women are just naturally stronger, or are more emotional and that probably helps, while men just detach from their feelings, not all men, im not saying there arent men who get sober so dont take it the wrong way but i would have more faith in a woman getting sober than i would a man

FormerDoormat

I may not have been in a relationship with Richard when he died, but I still loved him. Based on my research, I knew Richard was an end-stage alcoholic when I joined the forum. He had been going downhill for quite some time; I saw the signs.

I tried my best to prepare myself for the inevitable. I detached myself from him physically and emotionally. I took charge of my finances so I'd be prepared to move forward on my own. I kept myself busy with work and took on more responsibilities, which ultimately increased my income. I rekindled old friendships. I focused on taking better care of myself--both physically and emotionally. And I spent time with Richard on the few weeks when he achieved sobriety because I knew his days were numbered and I wanted to let him know I still loved him.

When the phone call that I'd always dreaded came, I was saddened that he'd lost his battle with alcoholism but not surprised and, to be honest, I was also a bit relieved because it meant the nightmare was over for him and for me.

He's been gone for a little over a year now. Today I'm happy and my life is peaceful. Alcohol no longer torments Richard and I'm no longer obsessed with or tormented by another person's drinking. We're both at peace. I only wish each of us would have found it years ago.

veryrestless722

I didnt mean to imply you didnt love him, actually the reverse, losing someone you love whether your together or not has got to be the hardest thing in the world, i simply dont know how i would get through that

im glad things worked out for you, it gives me hope, i just have this feeling that i will have to deal with his death, i dont know why, as far as i know hes doing ok or as ok as an alcoholic can, its just a feeling i have, i try to prepare myself for it but im not sure that i can, maybe its just an irrational fear i have

its people like you on here that gives me hope that i can keep moving forward and be ok, and actually happy again, knowing their are people that have been through everything and made it ok, gives me the strength to get through any bad days i have (although they are fewer and fewer now) thanks!!

Ago

no offense taken

yet way over half of "sober people" in AA are men, like 80%-90% in some areas, women make up to 30% - 40% in some urban areas though

I bartended in Sobriety
I also attend meetings in Sobriety

If I want to see drunk people, I go to a bar

If I want to see sober people, I go to a meeting

by no means do I want to "give advice" but if you want to see "sober people" maybe you should try going to an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, all are welcome to open meetings, it's possible you could learn a great deal about the disease there and see what actual recovery from alcohol "looks like", that would also give you some "actual experience" about "who actually gets sober" from which to "make observations" from.

just an idea

Ago

no offense taken

yet way over half of "sober people" in AA are men, like 80%-90% in some areas, women make up to 30% - 40% in some urban areas though

I bartended in Sobriety
I also attend meetings in Sobriety

If I want to see drunk people, I go to a bar

If I want to see sober people, I go to a meeting

by no means do I want to "give advice" but if you want to see "sober people" maybe you should try going to an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, all are welcome to open meetings, it's possible you could learn a great deal about the disease there and see what actual recovery from alcohol "looks like", that would also give you some "actual experience" about "who actually gets sober" from which to "make observations" from.

just an idea

Latte

We get better every day. The miracles keep on happening.