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The Gift of Desperation

Old 10-27-2008, 11:26 AM
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The Gift of Desperation

It's been a while since I have posted here, so hi to old friends and greetings to new ones. I am happy to report that today is my 28th day sober and given that I had a permanent spot on the 2 week and under as well as the chronic threads, this is an accomplishment that I am proud of. It is better than I have done in over 15 years.

Believe me when I say that I have sought the universal "recipe" for sobriety for many years. It doesn't exist, IMHO, but I have found a path that is working for ME. I also know that my path may change over time, and that I must be vigilant and listen to myself (and all of you) when I feel I am on shaky ground.

I didn't believe I had a "problem" nor did I want to become sober, but my family left me no choice. About 5 years ago, they literally escorted me to an AA meeting and told me I had no choice in the matter. At that time, I ceased to drink in the open, and started to hide it. I didn't drink every day, but when I did, I really did. Of course, I denied drinking. I said I was tired, had taken Benydryl or whatever. I don't think I fooled anybody, but it went on for quite some time. They then insisted I do outpatient, which I did 2x and continued to go to AA. I really began to like AA and the people in it, but because my meetings were filled with "old-timers" (anywhere from 5-35 YEARS sober), I was unable to be honest and tell them that I couldn't put more than 4 days together. My sponsor has over 30 years and I couldn't bring myself to tell her either. I didn't pretend that I had long term sobriety (after all, I continued to go to meetings several times per week) and would periodically confess to a relapse. Occasionally, when called upon to "chair",my conscience dictated that I decline (you have to have >3 months for those that don't know).

Last spring, I found SR. The anonymity appealed to me and I felt so comforted by the fact that others were in the same boat in reference to long term sobriety. I lived on the 2 week thread, but for the first time, admitted my inability to sustain abstinence. I posted a lot in the spring and throughout the summer. Unfortunately, I still couldn't "get it". So many times I have heard AAers speak about the gift of desperation and I can't tell you how much I longed for that end point. I envied them and those on SR who rose from their own ashes, like the phoenix. But I could go for a few days only and then I would feel better. I was my own worst enemy. If there was any wiggle room, I would wriggle through and drink. For some strange reason, it was always on day 3 or 4. I ALWAYS felt badly afterward and my shame disintegrated my self esteem (not that I had a lot to lose). I would blackout regularly and would dearly pay the price the next day for what I said or did. Even if I didn't say or do anything awful, I was panicked in the middle of the night, fearing what I would have to face in the morning. I lost all faith in myself and began to question my sanity. I felt like I was unraveling faster and faster. I started to feel like I was 2 people: one who would drink and one who KNEW better but was unable to intervene.

I had belonged to the "class of July...then August...then September. All this time I felt like I was getting closer to "the end" but not quite there. But I also was feeling increasingly frightened that I wouldn't be able to prevent a free fall into self-destruction. I started to see that if nothing changed, nothing would change. I was on borrowed time in my marriage and worried about my health. By the end of September, I had my annual physical. Historically, whenever my physical was scheduled, I would think "OK, 5 weeks. If I stop now, my blood work should be OK". Well, of course I didn't and when I felt I had drunk too close to my physical date, I would change the appointment! I can't tell you how many years I did this, nor how many times I postponed the actual appointment. But this year, I'd had enough. I also had the clarity to know that I just couldn't do it on my own. I needed something to force me into sobriety, something to take the wiggle room completely out of the equation. So this year I steeled myself and told my Dr that I wanted her to put me on Antabuse (thank you Angie from SR for giving me the idea). Although I had told her years ago that I was an alcoholic, we never really discussed it. But this year, I didn't care what she thought (I am horrible when it comes to being other directed or vulnerable). I KNEW that I wanted abstinence, but I could think of nothing but a drug like Antabuse that would FORCE me to quit drinking. She did a liver function test, and pending the outcome, agreed to write me the prescription.

Thank God my liver was OK. So I started taking the pill and it has done for me what I have been unable to do for myself. This drug isn't for everyone. There are nasty (and potentially life threatening) reactions if one does drink. Plus it stays in your system for up to 2 weeks, so you can't just decide to stop one day and drink the next. This is JUST what I needed because it's my IMPULSIVITY which has caused me to drink in the past. Now I don't drink because I am petrified of the reaction. I definitely have had cravings, not FOR alcohol per se, but for the desire to escape, deaden or avoid situations or just plain myself. But it isn't an option any longer and I am learning to accept that and find alternate ways to live life in a healthy manner.

This time sober has been wonderful. I feel fabulous and slowly the messes I have made in my life are starting to heal. I am also doing some addiction workbooks, and meditating. The best thing is that I have gotten my self back. Every day I like myself a little more and that fuels me forward. I am one person again (not split in half) and am starting to identify the issues that have compelled me to drink. Those are what I need to work on and I am ready to do that. Do I miss drinking? Honestly, I miss the ahhhhh feeling (though even that was short-lived at the end). But it's not worth the devastation of my marriage, family, health, but most of all, my SELF. And I like how I'm feeling now far more than I miss the few minutes of "ahhhh". For the time being, Antabuse is protecting me and I will not stop taking it until I have to or I feel strong enough to have a go on my own. I know that it will be awhile because, sadly enough, I just don't trust myself enough yet. I am still too fragile. As much as I appreciate the gains I have made, I know that they are just the tip of the iceberg and that I could "fall" at any time.

So I think that I have finally received the gift of desperation that has been so elusive for so long. The turning point for me was ME making the decision to talk with my DR (as opposed to my family making the decision FOR me), abandoning my pride and asking for help, being honest with myself and others and also willing to take a draconian measure in order to insure my short term success until I felt confident enough to do it on my own.

This is truly a journey for all of us and, as we all know, never easy or predictable. I'd like to thank everyone for helping me to get to this point and letting me share my story. It's a beginning. :praying
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Old 10-27-2008, 12:42 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story HS. It's great to her about your sober days

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Old 10-27-2008, 12:46 PM
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I am SOOOOO GLAD to see you!!!!!!!!!

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Old 10-27-2008, 01:43 PM
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Good for you! Keep up the great work! We all can use a little help!
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Old 10-27-2008, 01:58 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Old 10-27-2008, 02:07 PM
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thank you for sharing
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Old 10-27-2008, 03:01 PM
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Thank you so much for sharing HideorSeek. I really related to your post.
(A whole bunch as a matter of fact.) I joined SR in December 2006. I was able to stay sober twenty something days,then went back out there. I would continue to read SR, post on my sober days once in awhile, which always were never more then three or four just like you.

I guess I finally got that gift of desperation that you talk about. I am doing it all differently and I am so glad. For me it has been going to meetings every day right now, talking to the two temporary sponsors that I got at my first meeting and making a decision to not drink each day. It's also important to come to SR and reach out and post not just lurk and read. I have two weeks today. Got a long way to go, but when I read and relate to a post like yours I smile. It reminds me I'm not alone and I am not unique. Thanks.

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Old 10-27-2008, 03:11 PM
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Thank you all for your kind words. I have always found the people here to be so inspirational. It is so true that we need each other, not only in times of need but also in times of strength. I once had this visualization of each of us, at different times, pushing, pulling and piggy-backing. So, thank you all for being there for me, every time.:ghug
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Old 10-27-2008, 03:12 PM
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Welcome back!!:ghug3 It's great to hear from you again. Congrats on your 28 days!

Your post has helped me stay sober! I too was never able to get too many days sober before I'd relapse but I've got over three months now.

I'm really glad you came back!
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Old 10-27-2008, 03:32 PM
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You don't realize, Least, what an inspiration you have been for me (and many others, I know). I once asked you about that "turn-around" moment for you. I wanted so badly to have it happen to me. Thank you for not only being here for me, but for everyone else on this site!:ghug3
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Old 10-27-2008, 04:31 PM
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HideorSeek,

Your post points out the importance of remembering that it's about the journey, not the destination. If we can focus on the day, that's the best we can do.
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Old 10-28-2008, 07:25 AM
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Again, thanks to all for your support and encouragement. Once in an AA meeting, a woman said "when everything seems to be falling apart, in truth, they are often coming together". That struck me as very profound and certainly true in my case.:chatter
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Old 10-28-2008, 08:10 AM
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HOS, thank you for your kind words. I'm here for you just like others were here to support me in my desperate attempts to stay sober. I think I too had the 'gift of desperation'. I really thought I was hopeless. But I"m not hopeless, I'm now hopeful, what a difference.

Way to go! Keep on moving forward, one day at a time is the way to do it.

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Old 10-28-2008, 08:17 AM
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Thank you for sharing your personal struggle with us. I need that daily reminder of how I am not alone in this battle.

Reading your post is like hearing an echo of my heart.

Stay strong!
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:19 AM
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Thanks Pelican! It's amazing how we convince ourselves (or actually our addictions do), that "we are the only one who...". Then we isolate out of shame and spiral ever further downward. When we (or at least, me) finally get the courage to come forward, it is such a relief to realize that we are not unique or alone. And that, IMHO, is the first step to loosening the hold our demons have.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:55 AM
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Hideorseek,
I remember struggling alongside you in the two week and under threads this summer. I'm so proud of you!! Keep hanging in there, you are becoming the inspiration you found in other people.
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Old 10-28-2008, 02:17 PM
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Awwwww, shucks ColaGirl....you just made my day! Thank YOU!:ghug2
We are all in this together for the long haul. One of the hardest lessons I am learning (and will always need to keep learning) is that there is no quick fix to this disease. One of the workbooks I am doing talks about the fact that alcoholics want the quick result (hence the immediate good feeling, or relief from a problem that a substance provides) and in order to maintain sobriety, we need to come to terms with delayed gratification. That's a real toughy for me. :chatter
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Old 10-28-2008, 02:23 PM
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wow I am so so excited for you! Good to see you back...I love you and am so proud of you girl! God knows it is not always easy but thank you God for that last drink that drove you to make it this far!! AMAZING!!!!!! WOW
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Old 10-28-2008, 02:51 PM
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Wow, Loulou...now I'm almost levitating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lots of love bomeranging right back at you!
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Old 10-28-2008, 07:46 PM
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I am so glad that you posted here again. We have been through a lot together and I know that we will continue through this journey together. I cried reading your post. It really meant a lot to me. I am so glad that you have found the road and I hope I can stay on the road with you. I have missed you. I just feel bad that I missed your post yesterday but I checked after receiving your PM. I hope you are having a good time and stay in touch and keep posting.
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