FreeBird09

If I wasn't awake having coffee, I would think my life was a continual nightmare. I reunited with my HS Sweetheart after 25 years, got out of an abusive (alcohol, physical, mental, etc) relationship (23yrs married) I have been with my A boyfriend for 2.5 years and he tends to leave the relationship every 3 months to go on a binge. While at home he drinks every Friday, to the point of passing out. He has been gone for 3 months this time, the last times was only 1-3 weeks with him coming back making demands on how I am to behave myself (ie: talking to him while he is drinking, which leads to an argument, having a problem with him drinking and driving (which he did stop doing that) getting upset at his inability to stay focused on the relationship because he is either drinking, thinking about drinking or planning a drunk)

He is gone now, and we do have daily contact, usually he is drunk but at times he calls during the day because I insisted he calls when he is not intoxicated, so he does respect that. He is living with his Mom in another state and is saying he can't come back home until my heart is purged of all the past abuse that I have gone through which causes HIM anxiety and panic. (he is using me as a escape goat) He goes from that to, he wants to come home but it isn't time. (no, because he is drunk and has been for the past 3 months straight!) He wants me to wait for him to seek God and for me to not move on into another relationship. Every conversation we have revolves around what I have done WRONG in the relationship (verbalizing my upset ness about how he chooses to drink or gamble over anything else)

He is crying every day, day and night (When he calls he is usually sobbing uncontrollably) he repeats over and over how much he loves me, how I am his one true love and he can't continue going on without me, and then turns around and says it's not time to come home. He says, I am only at Mom's helping her out, she is mentally ill (on Haldol) and needs me. Please wait for me to come to terms with some things.

I feel this is just a cop out to continue drinking daily, where he can't do that at home because I have a son who lives with me and I can't allow daily drinking in his life.

I am ready to move on, detach from him to give myself peace in my heart and soul. I am not moving on into another relationship because at this point in my life I have to find out why I am basically addicted to alcoholics and abusers. I am in counseling and have been for the last 1.5 years and am told weekly to stop the contact with him for me to be able to recover. I don't know HOW I am going to stop the contact, I don't want him to hurt himself (although I know it will not be my fault if he does) I love him very much and know that he is a good man under the illness that grips him by the throat. When he isn't drinking he is a fantastic, I mean.. FANTASTIC person.

We have both had some pretty horrific things happen in our life since we have been together. His Uncle was murdered 2 years ago (by my ABF A brother), and my daughter and grandson were killed in a terrible car accident in February 2008. It's like life is a nightmare and I just want to live life in peace.

I don't know what to do about this situation, I really want him to come home where at least I know he is safe, but at what cost to me am I willing to pay.

Bernadette

Hi sadending--
welcome!

I feel this is just a cop out to continue drinking daily, where he can't do that at home because I have a son who lives with me and I can't allow daily drinking in his life.

I agree. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. So whatever drama they have to stir up- however they can keep people off their backs (and themselves in denial) they will keep doing that - until they find real sobriety and recovery.

His calling you and sobbing is just "quacking." When he wants to change he will reach out to other recovered alcoholics or a counselor, not you. Until he changes - which you will recognize immediately because he will be different - things won't change much betw you.

Have you ever tried AlAnon? It helped me alot.

I am so sorry for all the sadness in your life...

Peace-
B.

FreeBird09

Hi, I live in a rural area that does not have AlAnon close enough for me to attend. I am deep into self help books to 'save' myself and to keep gaining strength to overcome. My great faith in God has kept me on my feet (for the most part).

I have a bright future, (I am going to Law school when my son graduates in 2 years) and the ability to care for myself, but I just can't seem to shake wanting this man in my life when I know that he will continue to behave in this manner until he sees he has a problem.

Thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate it.

catlovermi

Alcoholics are famous for holding emotional hostages. It's how they keep enablers on the hook. Here's a life-changing read on why we put up with stuff from or stay involved with another person when we should not:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

atalose

I am so sorry for the tragic lose of your daughter and grandson; you’ve had a tremendous lose not long ago. Maybe losing this relationship is a reminder of that loss and one you are clinging to in order to not feel any more pain.

We often think it’s the end that brings the most amount of pain in relationships but the fact is, it’s the holding on that keeps the hurt alive.

I’d keep working in counseling on letting go and on the why’s that is keeping you stuck in an un-healthy relationship.

prodigal

Has your counselor given you ideas on ways to cut off contact? The A takes the first step by setting down the bottle. Do you think your counselor has a valid point regarding no contact?

denny57

When I told xAH I was attending Al Anon, he stopped speaking to me, but emailed some. He needed "space" to figure how what he was going to do with this news LOL! (I wasn't LOL'ing then, mind you, I was still in the thick of it)

When his space time helped him figure out I was serious, he tried to rope me back in. I went NO CONTACT (on the advice of my therapist and our doctor). I would not speak to him on the phone, I did not listen to voice messages. I ignored emails - the only 2 I answered were on the advice of my divorce attorneys and today I regret that.

None of this was easy - he had been in my life for 20 years. I was at a point in my life, though, when I was ready to listen to others who had seen it a million times before - my therapist and doctor - and I did it in spite of the pain. Al Anon was there to support me all the way.

I remember about 3 weeks into it, I said to my therapist, I think I should just write a note to let him know I'm here if he needs me (I also believed he had no one else). She said "he knows it."

Doing the right thing for me can be difficult and painful, but it is always worth it.

Good luck!

neecey1224

A few things come to mind. #1 - HOW do you stop the contact? Stop answering the phone. Period. If he has something worthwhile to say, he can talk to your voicemail. Its hard arresting your codie tendencies at first, but it gets easier.

#2 - You don't want him to hurt himself. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. If he's actually talking about hurting himself, its quacking. If he's seriously considering hurting himself, he wouldn't say a word to you, and you won't find out until after. Either way, there is not a darn thing you can do to control/prevent it. Accepting this fact will put a big dent in your codie tendencies (speaking from experience, that is).

Also, concerning #2 ... Someone else posted on here something great that I have always remembered, that her husband said to their kid when he was threatening suicide..."If you kill yourself, I will miss you, but you do what YOU need to do." Again, you have no control.

#3 - at what cost to me am I willing to pay. My husband also has mental illness. As a supporter of someone with mental illness, they pound it into our heads that it is ULTRA ULTRA IMPORTANT and should be our TOP PRIORITY to take care of ourselves FIRST, before our mentally ill loved one, so that we can be healthy and strong enough to actually be there for our loved one. I believe this concept applies. While your fella is in active addiction, all the dramatics and manipulation are draining you. Cut the insanity out of your life and concentrate on taking care of yourself while he is in this stage so that when he is ready to make genuine changes, you are strong, healthy, and balanced, and can actually constructively support him. Otherwise, when he is ready, you will be too busy recovering from all he's put you through, and won't really be emotionally available or be able to recognize/discern what "constructive support" of his recovery is.

Just my two cents. (ok, well maybe more like four cents)

FreeBird09

The most difficult thing for me is letting go and letting things take it's natural course. I spoke with my A (x) BF last night for about 2 hours and voiced my concerns regarding this situation. He insists it isn't his drinking that has caused him to leave (mind you, he left me every 3 months to go on a bender) that it's my harassing him. I take my responsibility for my lack of ability to shut him out when he is being an ass, but he wants me to tell him that it was ALL my fault. He also suffers from Bi-polar and his swings are in full swing!.

He is trying to play the God card on me (I believe fully in God, and have great faith) sayin that God hasn't told him that I am healed of my past abuses and hurts and that I need to purge all the anger and bitterness from my heart before he can be with me, and when God tells his heart that I am a whole woman without no anger in my heart then he will reconsider him and I. I said, God told you this, but did not say a thing about your DRINKING every night? If you are a true believer, and have 'found' God then you would take the steps to correct your illness. He says God understands his drinking to help ease the pain of losing me. I asked him what his excuse was before I came into his life, and he said everyone, including me has f'ed him over and by me not waiting around for him to hear Gods voice, I am really f'ing him over and that he is going to kill himself if I stop the contact. (but if I am such a horrible wretch, as he describes, he would welcome this break)

I have had some comments on my last post, and I so much appreciate the comments. I do feel that losing my daughter, and grandson 8 months ago is the driving factor for the inability to not let go. I feel as if another death is occuring in my life and it's like a train wreck that I want to be superwoman and try to stop before the end comes.

I do love this man with every fiber of my being, but I also love myself and see that I am destroying myself by not taking a step (ok a 1000 steps) back and bringing up his bottom. He cried last night when I talked about letting this relationship go, and he begged me to stay single and let him have time to sort things out (not the drinking, but for him to hear God say that I am healed from the past hurts, not caused by him, because according to him he has never done anything wrong to the relationship, or me)

My brother, who is a recovering A (15 years sober) said that if I don't let go I will be the one ending up in the mental ward from all the stress.

I am really feeling quite numb at this moment. It's as if I need to be in a recovery program where I have someone I can call when I go to pick up that phone, to either text or call him, someone who can say, let's think about this first.

I don't want him to think he is out there in this big world all alone, and that I don't love him any more, because I do. This is one of my driving forces for having contact with him, besides him saying he is going to kill himself. If he dies, I don't think I can live with myself, even equipted with the knowledge that he is responsible for his actions.

I am pretty messed up over this. I look at my Mom and she has been with her AH for 35 years and her life sucks. I don't want to be like that. She is a bitter, angry woman because of it. At this point I am pretty calm and peaceful, until that phone rings, or a text comes through .. or, if one doesn't.

My son (14) says, Mom, we believe in God (not the way the ABF is using it) and maybe God is trying to tell YOU that he is not good for your life and you are better then all of this pain, and that you need to let go and move on. He is a jerk to you, and didn't appreciate you, and took you for granted. He said, I miss him too but he will never stop leaving us if he comes back, he will always use some excuse. All of his buddys that come to the house, and have been here says the same thing, You are a wonderful person and that guy does not deserve you, he is a jerk to you and my Dad (his friends Dad) said someone needs to take him out back and kick his ass for the way he has treated you.

Thank you for letting me vent. Even a journey of 1000 miles, you have to take the first step. It's time I step off this ride, but I am scared.

Bernadette

(((hugs)))
It is scary.
There's a saying I've heard that's very intense - kind of echoes what your brother said-
"Let go or be dragged."

You're right about this being one more loss and anything that brings up the intense feelings of loss associated with all you have suffered over the past years is going to be very very hard to handle.

Can you get some one on one counseling? I found a low cost therapy place after my divorce (My exH and I split up and my dad died 3 months later of cancer - I was a mess). It helped me to have that weekly appointment to keep me on track. Sometimes universities or community colleges offer services even to non-students.

baby steps still get you where you want to go.

Where do you want to go with your life? Where would you like to see yourself (mentally and physically) at this time next year? Just you. Just your dreams, goals, problems.

Easy does it, but try making a little plan - it always helped me to have something written down that i could refer to and try to do the next right thing to get myself to a better place.

Peace & prayers for your strength--
B.

Bernadette

And P.S. - he was doing a lot of quacking during that phone call you described. Until you actually SEE something different not just hear about what's going on in his alcoholic brain- it is just empty quacking - believe it and think twice about letting that stuff into your mind!! It's upsetting, and it plays dirty tricks on our ability to stay focused on ourselves and the things we CAN control.
Peace-
B.

Freedom1990

There is a recovery program out there for you, and it's called Alanon.

FreeBird09

I do have very large plans. I am studying for my LSAT's, and will be attending Law School in the fall of 2011 (I have to wait for my son to graduate HS before I go full time to Law School) I see myself with a very large personal growth, as I do have the ability to overcome. (just getting there is the internal battle) I did send my ABF an email letting him know that I can no longer sit around watching him, or listening to him, kill himself slowly, and that I do love him and care about his future, and to please seek help.

I do go to weekly counseling and it is helping. I tend to be strong willed and don't listen to what is good for me. This board is helping A LOT, as all of you are going through, or have gone through the same feelings,etc, that I am and it helps to know I am not alone.

Thank you so very much. I REALLY need people who understand.

GiveLove

Sadending,

I understand. I'm also really happy that you're starting to contemplate loving yourself more than you love him. That's the single most important piece of having a happy, fulfilling life in my humble opinion.

I stayed in a similar relationship for many years. My parents died, one of my best friends and role model was murdered on her first day on the job as a cps officer, my sister committed suicide (the other would also, with alcohol). I didn't think I could stand one more bad thing. Not one. So I stayed.

I stayed in a relationship where he would disappear, then come back. Where he blamed me for everything, and took responsibility for nothing. He slept with other women, lied to me, lied to others, couldnt' hold a job, sponged off his parents, couldn't support himself, and did nothing to get help. And what did I say about this man? "Oh, but I love him so much."

From where you're standing, does it look like this is a man I should love? If your son were in a similar relationship, with a litany of horrible traits, lying, addiction, dishonesty like this, and he said "But I love her so much"......what would you think? Would you think that was love, or something else?

In my case, life didn't start getting better until I patched the massive hole that was my relationship, leaking energy and love and strength all over the ground. I couldnt' recover from my other tragedies until I stopped pouring all of my personal power into someone else's life.

It may not seem like it, but the security you feel in staying with him may just be prolonging the agony of the recent events of your life. You think it's healing, but it may be keeping the wounds open.

Counseling helped me too, but only when I worked with a counselor who was willing to give me baby steps, tiny little inconsequential steps toward freedom. Listen to your counselor, and try doing one small thing different.

Here's a thought, if you can't find the strength to cut off contact completely: Rather than talking on the phone to a slobbering drunk, why not communicate exclusively through a less emotional channel, like letters or emails? You can choose when to open them and when to write them, and it doesn't have the same gut wrenching feeling of talking on the phone. You can tell him you love him every single day if you want, but stop taking these dreadful phone calls that just continue to undermine your self-worth.

Keep posting here. Lots of people have found loving ways to take back their own power and feel good about it.

denny57

During my marriage, my father and brother died within a very short time of each other. I, too, did not want another "death" by breaking from the alcoholic, abusive marriage. Today, 3 years out of the relationship (and with lots of soul searching and therapy), I believe staying only made my depression over those deaths worse.

I have a concrete head, too, but it has softened, believe it or not LOL. I am learning that by at least trying what others suggest might be good for me, sometimes (ok, most times) they are right. I don't have all the answers, and that is wonderful.

Keep posting!

FreeBird09

I am sorry for your loss(es), GiveLove, and Denny57. It's so hard to overcome all of this. I haven't grieved the loss of my daughter, and grandson, I know I haven't, I still try to pretend they are on vacation. I remember just prior to my ABF left, I was crying and saying I just needed him to comfort me. He said, Boof'inghoo, I am grieving too, the loss of my inheritance because you told my Dad I was drinking. This is a grown man of 42, and I will not lie for anyone. His Dad did ask me on occasion about the drinking and excessive gambling ($40,000 in 3 months lost at the casino) and I said he was drinking, but less then he use to. His Dad cut him back to $3000 a month, instead of the $5000 he was getting. Since he has been gone, his Dad is helping him financially, and he is living with his Mom who is allowing him to stay there for free. His Dad did cut him down quite a bit, and only helped him out once. He is spoon fed and that is why I feel he will never see he needs help. He has always been the poor baby who had such a horrible life because his Mom is mentally ill.

GiveLove, your x sounds like mine, minus the women (he had some issues growing up and never entered into a relationship with a woman (or man) until I came into his life, which was confirmed by his friends and family)

I agree with the no phone contact, it is ripping me to shreds and I end up crying (not on the phone with him, he has enough power he is not aware of!, or is he?)

If my son, any one of them were involved with someone like this I would freak out and try to talk to them about getting out. The sad fact is that both of my older sons drink, and I am pretty sure my oldest is an alcoholic. I come from a large family of alcoholics.

I am trying to take baby steps, and my counselor is asking me to take baby steps too. Today, I did text him, just that I love him. He didn't respond, his punishment tactics so I will worry about him. Instead of worrying about him, I am here writing and reading and getting excited about my future.

Thank you so much everyone for your support. I am so happy I found this place.

GiveLove

I will let you in on a little secret, sadending: Sometimes, in these posts, I read something that makes me literally want to reach my hand through the computer monitor, grab someone's alcoholic BF, and beat them into a sticky pulp. I am not proud of this Raving Maniac Reaction. But your story about what your BF said when you needed to be cared for ("boo-f'ing hoo") made that reaction shoot through me. I had to get up, walk around, pet the dogs, drink a glass of water, and sit back down.

What right does he have to say these things?

And just as important, I wonder who it was in your life who taught you that you should lay down and take such abuse from anyone, anyone - let alone continue to love them after they've said that.

I wonder who taught you that -- and I wonder where they live. Could you give me their address pls?

Proud of you for beginning to think of yourself before thinking of a spoiled, selfish, abusive person like the one you describe to us.

And proud of you for starting to wonder if you don't deserve more out of love than pain, because you do. You might want to stop over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum some time (two below this one under "Friends and Family"); there are lots of us there working together to undo the lousy programming our alcoholic upbringings gave us.

Hugs to you, you're on your way

FreeBird09

(I wonder who taught you that -- and I wonder where they live. Could you give me their address pls? )

I would have to give you every person in my life to this point, with the exception of my grandfather (RIP), and my brother.

I was in an abusive relationship for 23 years, with my xhusband (who was an A, for 15 of them years) and I suppose it was taught to me early on, even before getting married. My Mom was an A, and her boyfriends were are A's, and her now husband of 35 yrs is an A, who was also abusive. I will take a look at the ACOA board, my counselor is also working with me on this topic.

I am the only person in my family who:

1- Escaped an abusive relationship
2- Will no longer lay down for abuse (the family thinks I am cocky for thinking I deserve better)
3- Will not go from one man to the next just to fill a void (I did that by going from Xhusband, to my current situation, and I refuse to go further with anyone else until I can stand on my own two feet)
4- Attended college AND graduated with honors! (while nursing my youngest child in between classes, and getting regular beatings from the xhusband)

The ABF has said worse then that, but always said he wanted me to have the TRUTH about life, so I don't go around blindly. My daughter, I raised her since she was 4, I was Mom. Her bio mom abandoned her and never seen her again until she was an adult. When my grandson was born, I was there. Lisa (my daughter) lived with us (her Dad and I) while she was pregnant and would lay with me all night and I held her hand when she was scared. I was there when my grandson was born (he was 7 when he died) we were close, very close. Like my Xhusband says, if there was anyone on the face of this earth that Lisa loved the most, it was you.. her Mom . My ABF, about a week after their death wanted to give me some TRUTH and said (and not while he was drinking) well at least they weren't blood... I wanted to DIE right there and then. I couldn't believe my ears. He said, now if it was one of your sons that you gave birth to, it would be a different story. That was so far from the truth. I have a Mothers heart for all 4 of my children, and Lisa was 1 of the 4! About a week later his dog nearly got hit by a car, and he proceeded to say how he would kill himself if the dog died because the dog was like his child!. I wanted to PUKE!. He left shortly after that, saying he had to get away from me because I was too emotional for him. He came back after a 3 week bender.

I guess you are right, and after reading what I write about this, he is not worth my love. I actually want to go slap him, if he wasn't many states away!. (no, then he will have yet another excuse to drink!)

Thank you for letting me vent here, and helping me see that I have basically wasted many.... many years of my life, BUT.. the good thing is, I have learnt who, and what I don't want in my life, now to BELIEVE it!..

ajangels2

((((Sadending)))

Well it does sound you have been through the ringer this year with your daughter and grandson's passing... I am so very sorry that you are going through that grief. Having had this trauma in your life and your ABF having his own issues as well I think you are on the right track with learning to emotionally detach from his disease and get through your emotional pain with counseling. I encourage you to try Alanon even for six meetings to see if it is for you. Your A is in the grips of his disease and there is nothing you can do to save him or help him at this time, the best thing you can do for you and your son is to emerse yourself in your healing and recovery and leave him to his own path. Good luck to you and keep coming back... it does work if you work it.

Peace,
AJ

GiveLove

I used to say that a lot -- that the years of horror were 'wasted years.' In a sense, I guess they were, but really I don' believe that any more. I am a completely different person now than I was before. I am understanding, kind, patient, and I have perspective on life (as in, I know how bad things can get, and a fender bender ain't it)

Walt Whitman has a line in "Leaves of Grass" that says, "I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness" All of this suffering has made me see what's truly important in life, and with what's left of my life I can do so much more. I am ten times stronger, ten times smarter, and with my few decades left I can make up for the first few, and then some. So can you.

Even such a thing as my sister's death, possibly the worst thing of all, was the trigger that turned me away from drugs and alcohol forever.

Sadending, some day soon you will have to change your screen name. Keep on the path to growth that you're on, and you'll wake up one day and think, " 'Sadending' ? That's not what I plan for myself any more. Heck with that."

Believe it.

Sending love, hugs, and support to you.