envy and jealousy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
envy and jealousy
Hi. I am no good at dealing with emotions in a healthy way, never have been, maybe never will be but I'm sure that there are some people that are. I understand the saying that desire is the root of unhappiness, I get it, I just cannot hold onto it. In fact, it seems I am unable to integrate most wisdom I hear into my own life, I just dont get it on a deep level or something. Just wondering if anyone has troubles dealing with feelings of envy and jealousy, and if so, have you found some way to "get over" these feelings. Are there any good books that anyone can recommend? Thanks 
:wtf2
:wtf2
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Envy and jealousy suck. I'm sorry they're in your life right now.
I don't have any secret tools to fight them. I have one minor suggestion. What I try to do with envy and jealousy is attack them with self confidence. Even if I'm not feeling it, I try to convince myself of my own worth. I try to take all the strong, positive things that I know about myself and put them in the forefront.
That's a lot easier said than done, I know.
I don't have any secret tools to fight them. I have one minor suggestion. What I try to do with envy and jealousy is attack them with self confidence. Even if I'm not feeling it, I try to convince myself of my own worth. I try to take all the strong, positive things that I know about myself and put them in the forefront.
That's a lot easier said than done, I know.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Fel Whereas a cactus would not survive for more than a week in my home, you are an extraordinary gardener
My take on jealousy and envy is that they show up when you compare yourself to others, and don't feel grateful for what you have (on all levels, not just the material plane). Such comparisons are never a good idea because, for starters, nobody is perfect. Remember that the grass always seems greener next door, but that's an illusion.Coveting something that you don't have is a passive attitude. I think it's much better to find and acknowledge the good you seek in others, and try to cultivate that quality your own life. I also think that the line between healthy self-work/worth, and self-absorption is not as fine as it might seem, there is a big distance between the two. Jealousy and envy disappear if you're grateful for what you have, and work towards getting what you want in good faith.
In this light, I don't see why desire is a bad thing... There's nothing wrong with saying "I want that", as doing so creates a good intention, and it also provides a "map" for you to follow. If you are grateful for what you do have and sincere in your wish to achieve more, I think you're probably on the right track to receive it.
Book recommendation? "The four levels of healing" by ****** Gawain. It's somewhat new agey... I find it very useful.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 133
Hey Felly,
Today I just started reading a book called "Drinking A Love Story." The author talks a lot about how alcoholic drinking allows the drinkers to distance themselves from emotions. She talks about how she was unable to pursue a healthy relationship because of her drinking habits, yet she used the chaos in her personal life as an excuse to keep drinking as a coping mechanism. I can relate to this book because I have espoused this mentality for most of my adult life. I rationalized, "...I only drink copious amounts because my life sucks right now. As soon as the circumstances get better I will not feel the need to drown my sorrows in alcohol." The reality that I am realizing as I struggle to recover is that I will never get the things I want in life (healthy relationship, success in my career, etc.) as long as I am drinking the way I did during the past few years. You may want to check this book out if you are interested in the way addiction and emotional regulation relate to each other.
As for your question...jealousy and envy are extremely painful. I was in a relationship for 3 years in which my significant other lied and cheated. It was an addiction just like the alcohol. I was constantly in pain because I was jealous of the other relationships my SO had, yet I stuck around hoping to change things. Since then I have associated relationships that are defined by envy and jealousy as destructive. If someone is causing you to feel this way, it is probably best to distance yourself from that person. At least for a little while. Good luck
Today I just started reading a book called "Drinking A Love Story." The author talks a lot about how alcoholic drinking allows the drinkers to distance themselves from emotions. She talks about how she was unable to pursue a healthy relationship because of her drinking habits, yet she used the chaos in her personal life as an excuse to keep drinking as a coping mechanism. I can relate to this book because I have espoused this mentality for most of my adult life. I rationalized, "...I only drink copious amounts because my life sucks right now. As soon as the circumstances get better I will not feel the need to drown my sorrows in alcohol." The reality that I am realizing as I struggle to recover is that I will never get the things I want in life (healthy relationship, success in my career, etc.) as long as I am drinking the way I did during the past few years. You may want to check this book out if you are interested in the way addiction and emotional regulation relate to each other.
As for your question...jealousy and envy are extremely painful. I was in a relationship for 3 years in which my significant other lied and cheated. It was an addiction just like the alcohol. I was constantly in pain because I was jealous of the other relationships my SO had, yet I stuck around hoping to change things. Since then I have associated relationships that are defined by envy and jealousy as destructive. If someone is causing you to feel this way, it is probably best to distance yourself from that person. At least for a little while. Good luck
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Jealousy is a really difficult emotion. For me it is about insecurity and self hatred. It is not about the other person no matter how badly we want it to be.
I felt jealous of someone once. She was dating my H while we were separated. Actually the person and I shared many of the same traits. I came to realize that the very things I hated so much about her were the same things I hated about myself. I found that I hated her for seeing my H and that I hated me for staying with him too. I called her stupid and dumb and all kinds of mean and hateful stuff. All things I said to myself as well.
Seeing her brought some pretty yucky stuff to the surface in me. It was a lot like a giant pimple of hatred, it got swollen and hot and one day it opened and a lot of yucky stuff oozed out of my soul. I felt terrible for several days my heart hurt so bad finally I felt driven to look at me in the mirror and tell myself that I am alright that it is o kay to have good humor and sweetness. I hugged myself a lot and forgave myself for hating me. I forgave the person I felt jealous of for reminding me of me. There is more to it than this my hatred of myself was very deep and it hurt really bad to feel it.
It is a process it doesn't just happen over night. At least you are aware of what the problem is and that is at least half the battle. You have to want to get over it that's for sure.
If you feel so inclined maybe try "googleing" jealousy and read some of the articles that come up. But hang in there you can get thru it.
I felt jealous of someone once. She was dating my H while we were separated. Actually the person and I shared many of the same traits. I came to realize that the very things I hated so much about her were the same things I hated about myself. I found that I hated her for seeing my H and that I hated me for staying with him too. I called her stupid and dumb and all kinds of mean and hateful stuff. All things I said to myself as well.
Seeing her brought some pretty yucky stuff to the surface in me. It was a lot like a giant pimple of hatred, it got swollen and hot and one day it opened and a lot of yucky stuff oozed out of my soul. I felt terrible for several days my heart hurt so bad finally I felt driven to look at me in the mirror and tell myself that I am alright that it is o kay to have good humor and sweetness. I hugged myself a lot and forgave myself for hating me. I forgave the person I felt jealous of for reminding me of me. There is more to it than this my hatred of myself was very deep and it hurt really bad to feel it.
It is a process it doesn't just happen over night. At least you are aware of what the problem is and that is at least half the battle. You have to want to get over it that's for sure.
If you feel so inclined maybe try "googleing" jealousy and read some of the articles that come up. But hang in there you can get thru it.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Hi;Dear Fell all I can say is that those are two very powerful
emotions,if not dealt the right,and quickly, way they could become our worst
enemies,I could just give you my story of strength, and hope,
I had those same issues at one time in my life were I use to desire
what others had, or envy it, and hated them for it, but the true problem
wasn't them, it was me the problem, Because even if I get all my wealth's
desires I will still be miserable, cause it stars with me and it ends with me
so you see^^fell the problem is inside of us and until we don't
get right down to the bottom of whats causing this feelings to come to-
surface, we are never going to be contend I think true happiness
stars in the eye of the beholder,meaning you have to be contend
in your journey,and on this gift call life until you don't find that
true peace, and Happiness,we are always going to continued
Looking^^for the outer things to Give us that self worth
I hope I been of some help..........:atv
emotions,if not dealt the right,and quickly, way they could become our worst
enemies,I could just give you my story of strength, and hope,
I had those same issues at one time in my life were I use to desire
what others had, or envy it, and hated them for it, but the true problem
wasn't them, it was me the problem, Because even if I get all my wealth's
desires I will still be miserable, cause it stars with me and it ends with me
so you see^^fell the problem is inside of us and until we don't
get right down to the bottom of whats causing this feelings to come to-
surface, we are never going to be contend I think true happiness
stars in the eye of the beholder,meaning you have to be contend
in your journey,and on this gift call life until you don't find that
true peace, and Happiness,we are always going to continued
Looking^^for the outer things to Give us that self worth
I hope I been of some help..........:atv
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
I'm reading a book that covers this very thing and has releaved me of jealousy and envy. Ok sometimes they pop up for a moment because I'm not perfect but these feelings are nothing like what they used to be. Anyhow the book is called "Alcoholics Anonymous". I have an extra copy I can send you if you would like.
It's really quite simple. For me Felly my feelings of envy and jealousy were wrapped up in self pity and "victim" thinking. I found out that self pity is in fact my poor me ego. As I have worked on ego deflation and getting out of myself these kinds of negative emotions have become less and less frequent.
I could go on about how control and acceptance also play their parts but it's all in the book. One other small suggestion Fell. These types of thoughts and emotions get out of control and are allowed to grow much worse when we are alone in our heads.
Try to avoid isolating.
It's really quite simple. For me Felly my feelings of envy and jealousy were wrapped up in self pity and "victim" thinking. I found out that self pity is in fact my poor me ego. As I have worked on ego deflation and getting out of myself these kinds of negative emotions have become less and less frequent.
I could go on about how control and acceptance also play their parts but it's all in the book. One other small suggestion Fell. These types of thoughts and emotions get out of control and are allowed to grow much worse when we are alone in our heads.
Try to avoid isolating.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I also have problems with envy and jealousy. I have no advice cause I don't know how to deal with them, but can only say that you are not alone. I envy people who don't struggle over money. But on the other hand, I know I am 'poor' but I feel ok about it cause my dogs are 'rich'! They don't know of my problems paying bills in full or on time, but they don't care cause their needs are well taken care of by me.
So I'm trying to live as my dogs do - in the moment, and I'm trying to be the person that my dogs think I am.
:ghug3
So I'm trying to live as my dogs do - in the moment, and I'm trying to be the person that my dogs think I am.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
These are all such great responses, thanks you guys.
And Dean, you are right, isolating is not a good idea. That is one of my main problems.
Sometimes I get really down thinking about how fate has treated me in life that has lead me to where I am, although alcohol abuse had a big role to play also, which was my fault. Being alone and having these feelings just swirl in my head cant be good.
And Dean, you are right, isolating is not a good idea. That is one of my main problems.
Sometimes I get really down thinking about how fate has treated me in life that has lead me to where I am, although alcohol abuse had a big role to play also, which was my fault. Being alone and having these feelings just swirl in my head cant be good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Hi Felly,
I'm jealous and envious of those who can cope with these two emotions effectively. Also of those who can spell jealous correctly without having to check the earlier responses to make sure they have it right like I had to do.
I get jealous all the time. Probably 5 times a day - sometimes more. It's part of my alcoholic nature. I'm selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. I've done my fourth step, do 10-12 every day, pray, and try to set these right when jealousy comes up. Then ten minutes later it hits again. Whattayagunnado? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Actually, I like what Mattcake said. I try to be grateful for what I have - which is a lot. That usually works for a while. I don't let envy rule me anymore. It is still there - constantly - but I realize I've got a lot of good in my life and I try to focus on that.
Mike
I'm jealous and envious of those who can cope with these two emotions effectively. Also of those who can spell jealous correctly without having to check the earlier responses to make sure they have it right like I had to do.
I get jealous all the time. Probably 5 times a day - sometimes more. It's part of my alcoholic nature. I'm selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. I've done my fourth step, do 10-12 every day, pray, and try to set these right when jealousy comes up. Then ten minutes later it hits again. Whattayagunnado? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Actually, I like what Mattcake said. I try to be grateful for what I have - which is a lot. That usually works for a while. I don't let envy rule me anymore. It is still there - constantly - but I realize I've got a lot of good in my life and I try to focus on that.
Mike
Last edited by mikel60; 11-02-2008 at 01:13 AM. Reason: spelling
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