NewDayNow

I’m spending the weekend working on my thinking. On Friday I was feeling the alcoholic thoughts creeping in. Those obsessive thoughts. The I want something-something thoughts. I didn’t have a slap in the face urge but that distant, faded longing for just one beer showed up.

It all seems to start with the if I had only thoughts. Done this, not done that. Then I start avoiding people, to be alone (I was a secret drinker). I can actually feel myself turning into someone else. That drunk man.

So, I changed the routine. Mentally and physically. I used to drink alone and it’s one of my triggers. Just because I work alone doesn’t mean I have to be alone. So I went to the library, grabbed a book and struck up a conversation with a perfect stranger.

This is Sunday morning, I have a new friend, a new avatar (I’ll be changing that real soon) and I’m 43 days sober.

I’m ready to start regular meetings, get there no matter what.
I’m ready for a sponsor. I have one in mind if he will have me.

I don’t think I’m turning into someone else, I’m just getting well.

I want everyone to be well

Ed

Fulldresser4

Ed -- Welcome! I have found much love and support here, and I am sure that you will too. Congratulations on 43 days...that's wonderful!! And you took the right action by not isolating. I used to drink alone as well. By going to meetings and calling my sponsor and actually picking up the phone or going somewhere it helps me sooo much. You will be in my prayers!!

Annie

ANGELINA243

I think working with a sponsor is a good idea. I certainly wouldn't be sober today without the 12 Steps and a sponsor. Congrats on 43 days! Awesome!

Ananda

funny thing..my thinking was doing the same as yours....I got to a meeting last night and did some other things different this morning...

perhaps when we find those sorts of vague drinking thoughts it is a sign that it is time for a change?

Anna

Ed, that sounds great.

You are recognizing a potential problem and finding a healthy way to deal with it. That's what recovery is all about!

CarolD

I can absolutely tell you that when I began
my formal AA Step work...I felt solid in my recovery.
I sure hope you will find this true as well Ed...

Forward we go..side by side

NewDayNow

Thank you all for your comments,

From my original post

There was a clear pattern in my thinking. It progressed over several days. I also noticed that my thoughts had become short and simple and I was getting aggravated easily.

So is this the way it works? It isn’t a slip; it’s more of a slide into the slap in the face urge?

Nice to know there is something I can do about it
Ed

Hope

What I learned in treatment is that a relapse can begin in the mind. It sometimes comes on very subtly such as getting angered easily and wanting to be alone. I have to guard my mind against the thoughts that are unhealthy because behind all of the thoughts, the urge to drink will lurk silently waiting for me to say the heck with it. I have to deal with it before it snowballs.

You are doing well by catching these thought patterns and taking action to do something about them.

You are taking positive actions and growing.

NewDayNow

Thanks for that response hope,

I sometimes spend all night reading here on SR looking for that aha moment. I do a lot of reading between the lines and I’m sure I misunderstand much of what I read. I just don’t completely understand what many of you are saying. I’m on the dumb end of the tape here.

So if I appear fairly ignorant to you and others reading my posts, it’s because I am. I’ve never been to treatment or in a program. I even went through withdrawal on my own, totally ignorant of what was going to happen to me. I’ve been to a few AA meetings, read a couple of books and I have SR.

I’ve been resistant to giving my all to AA. I think it’s because in the back of my mind I have reservations about me. Being sober is a new thing. I’ve spent all of my time figuring out what to do with it. It can be tiresome.

I’m in a fight here and it’s all or nothing. I figured out what was going on with my thinking this time. Maybe next time it won’t turn out that way. I can’t leave it to chance. I don't think any of us should.

I hope to be a sponsee and soon. Like I said, nice to know there is something I can do about it.

Ed

littlefish

I just want to add here that AA isn't just one thing. I am discovering all kinds of things about AA that I never expected. I went to a convention on Friday of last week and heard the Myer (spelling?) twins speak. They are involved in the "into action" movement within AA and I found their presentation really interesting. They talked about the different kinds of meetings AA provides and how we can pick what we like or need most.
One of my literature based meetings (working with the big book) also provides CD's of other speakers that I can borrow.
there is a lot goin' on! It will keep you busy and yes, you can pick what kind of AA activity you like best.
I'm off to try a new group tonight.
Great to hear about your recovery!

Eclipse

Ed,

I think you are far from ignorant and I really look up to you. You are being tough and not giving in to those da** voices. Keep up the good work one day at a time! I know about those thoughts/voices and regret that I listened!

Eyes2TheSoul

:ghug2
Inspirational..thank you

Hope

Hi Ed,

You are not ignorant.

You are learning, discovering, and growing. That is all any of us can do on this recovery journey one day at a time. We all have changing and discovering to do.

I think you have great insight and I think you are on the right track.