sodetermined

Well getting over this whole thing is hard enough. I miss him, I love him, and still care for him.

He asked a girl out 2 DAYS after we broke up. And it just so happens that one of my very best friends if friends with this girl, so I got to hear all about their date. He took her to a nice restaurant (a-hole hardly ever took me to dinner, and if he did it was because I had to beg) and then to the bowling alley. He drove, and was honest with her about not having a license. She has been in an abusive relationship and said she won't put up with any crap.

And he apparently had not one bad thing to say about me (but yet when he talked to me on the phone this week he was rude/vicious and rubbed it in my face that he had met someone), that it was an unhealthy relationship, we were addicted to each other, he even told her was abusive to me. And...the part that burns me sooo bad...he admitted to her that he had a drinking problem!!!!! WTF??????!!!!!!! Whenever I would talk to him about the drinking it was always "yeah I like to have a few beers", but would never admit it was a problem. Then he goes and admits it to a strange woman??!?!?

I am hurting so bad right now. Of course, when I met Chris, he was open and honest with me about his mistakes in the past, too. And I quickly saw red flags, but I ignored them. I thought I could fix him.

You guys, please tell me he isn't gonna magically become this great guy and do everything right with her! That's not fair, I'm sitting here grieving and trying to get through each day and going through all the emotions and he moves on like I'm not even a thought on his mind, doesn't shed one tear!!!!

I feel like I just took about 10 steps backward.

denny57

He's not. Nothing about recovery is "magical" or everyone would be doing it, dontcha think?

((( )))s to you SC11. You said it yourself - he wooed you, too. Soldier on with your own recovery and I PROMISE you life will get better.

prodigal

I'm surprised that he saw this. Don't you think what he said about your relationship is pretty accurate?

He may shed a tear and he may not. You don't know what he's actually doing or thinking. The news you got about his new relationship was second-hand news. That does not mean it was entirely accurate.

Addicts don't tend to hang around once they're gone if they can glom onto someone else right away. If his life was going so great, he would be working a program, not dating a few minutes after you broke up. I don't think his life is going as great as you think it is.

veryrestless722

man i so know how you feel, ive went through those same feelings, when my x left the second time, a week later was living with a girl that he had been previously talking to on the computer for three months, i laid around thinking how much happier he must be, why is she better than me, hes magically this great guy with her and it was only me that made him act crazy, i felt everything was my fault, i basically went nuts, it hurt so bad to be replaced so quickly

well 5 1/2 months later, he calls me, he had been in jail for a month, cause this "great girl" had him arrested for driving her car (a car that was bought for him, but he had no lisences so it was in her name) and he was drunk when he got caught, the girl had been cheating on him, they had been living in a trailor without a septic tank, i quickly figured out his perfect life wasnt quite so perfect after all, course he was cruel when he came back cause i was like what was so da*n great that you stayed with her, and the first thing he tells me about her is cause she had double d's :wtf2 , and that he stayed because of her two kids (not his) so then for the next year and a half that we were together, i was constantly paranoid cause i simply do not have double d's and never will, that bugged me forever, til about 7 months ago when he left again , i found that girls myspace page and lets just say the double d's were more like a big flat pankcake!

i spent so much time worrying and being hurt over nothing, we always make things out to be so much worse than they really are, he left again and is living with another woman that he met at work, and yes i still have the same feelings of thinking hes so perfectly happy and this is the woman for him , and he will live this perfect life, he tells me how "good" she is to him, i guess as opposed to how "bad" i am, he brags about her, just stupid stuff , and while im still paranoid of him having this great life , i dont let myself get down about it anymore

you cant control what he does, you just have to accept it and move on, i know how hard that is, i mean my idiot x thinks im bringing the baby to see him while his girlfriend is there, cause i was told i would have to be nice to her--NOT GONNA HAPPEN, he can keep dreaming im not coming around him or his trash

just know your not alone :ghug3, many of us have had to deal with this situation and it hurts like h*ll

sodetermined

Not any more surprised than me. Yes, I do, but I didn't know that until I started my own recovery, and he had no signs of recovery, AT ALL.

sodetermined

I guess I just want to feel that I'm not that easily replaced, ya know? Like I meant something to him. Not that just any woman will do. But maybe he is just trying to use her to get over me. I don't know, it just hurts. Badly.

denny57

When I feel this way, I trying flipping the thought process around into other configurations. Easily replaced - maybe by him - but not by a man who sees me for the great person I am; meant something to him - yeah, unfortunately I may have just meant a soft place to land - doesn't say much about me, except I need to be more careful who I give a landing spot to; any woman will do? Well, I'm not "any" woman - I'm a special woman, worthy of love and respect from a special man.

Using her? Well, I'm pretty sure the alcoholic who was in my life for 20 years used everyone for something - that something mostly being to continue his addiction.

Working on me - and believe me I am still working on that self worth equation - is what is bringing me joy.

What will you do today to treat yourself like the special person you are?

Rebecca4

And he apparently had not one bad thing to say about me (but yet when he talked to me on the phone this week he was rude/vicious and rubbed it in my face that he had met someone),


To me that says it all.
If he really was over you, he would not care what you think of him meeting someone else. He is taking great delight in seeing that you are upset over this because this means to him you still care, which is what he wants.

You might still care. You might still love him, but when you get upset this proves this to him. He probably put down the phone and thought whoopee, two women in love with me.
I think the fact that he is using this girl as a way to rub your your face in it also says he still has a lot of feelings for you. A bit like a nasty little boy that fancies you pulling your pigtails in the playground, because he does not know how to get your attention.

I would pity her. She mght be in for a rough ride. I think I would want to know is that if she is nice and fantastic and whatever, why is she going out with a loser like that?

Maybe you should ask him?

sodetermined

Maybe you are right. How sick am I, that this makes me feel better? I guess because it at least shows that he cares some.

I .

And I do just want him to hurt, too. I want him to feel sad/miss me. I hope you are right. Otherwise, the special connection I thought that we had never existed.

Well what I am hearing is that she has been through an abusive relationship, and that she is very nice. But the fact that she was there once (not long ago) tells me there are issues with her, too.

I would love to ask him and have closure on all of this, but I am not going to call him, and if he calls me I HAVE to be strong enough to not answer the phone, because he would be so mean and vicious and probably tell me they had a fabulous kiss or something....that is just how he is.

sodetermined

And I think that Chris is being very smart about this whole thing, knowing, that in a small town, his reputation will get back to her. So he, very cunningly, ADMITTED to his faults, and I'm sure she is thinking what I did, which is "he admitted that he screwed up, and maybe now he'll be different".

I mean is she is a nice person, she might be thinking "this guy has problems, but at least he is willing to admit to them", and admitting them is the first step, ya know?

veryrestless722

alcoholics make no sense, my x bugged me for 6 years to have a baby and i never would, then when i do he runs off, trying to make sense of what they do will drive you nuts

i thought we had a connection unlike anything else in the world, but apparently he finds a "connection" with who ever hes with

hes not the only one with an addiction, you got one too, your addicted to him, when i realized that about myself i was p*ssed as h*ll , i have always prided myself on not having an addictive personality, then wham i get hit in the face that i actually do have an addiction, totally sucks

if this girl is the nice girl that you hear, then she will figure him out pretty quickly, just because hes seeing her right now doesnt mean they will be together when hes 90 (if he lives to that age)

best bet is to not answer the phone when he calls , that way you dont know anything, what you dont know cant hurt you , i call it blissful ignorance, i have no desire to know anything they are doing

prodigal

You wrote this. This is how you feel the man would probably behave, based upon your experience with him.

So if this is "just how he is" what is it about him that you are missing?

I was married to one of the meanest men I've ever known. Sure, I felt shocked and dismayed when I left him. I even felt lonely. But I also felt a sense of relief. No more being called filthy names. No more put-downs. No more being hit, slappped, shoved.

Break-ups are not easy for us. I understand hurt. Perhaps you should look inside of yourself to examine why you would miss someone who is like this. I had a great deal of depression when I left exAH, but I found out later it stemmed from my anger - anger at him and anger at myself.

lovesmenot74

Soconfused11, While I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my pain ... I'm sorry you're going thru this ...

I dunno about you, but I often think to myself, wow ... he's done EVERYTHING possible to hurt me ... it's almost as though they make a mental list of all the things they could possibly do to hurt us as deeply as possible ... at least that's how I feel about my ex.

Funny, this is what I thought when I met my ex ... he told me some of the stuff he'd done to his family etc and I remember distinctly when we were talking about some of the things his mother did to him when he was younger ... I remember him saying "well, I wasn't always the best kid" ... and I thought, ya, I've been there ... and if he's willing to admit that, then he must want to do better.

I know my biggest fear is that our relationship was the problem and that with someone else, he will be different and better ... and that hurts so deeply because I wanted so badly to work thru our problems and get back to the way things were before ... but I have to remind myself (and often) that there were signs of his character that I chose to ignore when we first got together ... it's not likely he's going to change those things anytime soon.

I have 2 scenarios about my ex's new girlfriend ... either she's a drug user like him and they're happily enabling each other, or she's a nice girl and eventually he'll do to her what he did to me ...

Sure doesn't make it hurt any less though ...

I still cannot believe how they can just drop something so easily and act as though it never existed.

Problem with my ex is that I haven't heard from him ... at all ... it's been just over a month and all of his stuff is still here ... and I keep looking at all of that thinking well he has to call me eventually .... sad thing is that I'll be expecting him to apologize and he'll probably just want his stuff.

I hate this ...

denny57

I remember one time my sister's friend was going on and on about her ex. Finally, xAH said to her - "do you think he's sitting around thinking or talking about you?"

So, what's on your fun agenda today?

lovesmenot74

Ouch ... that one hurt ... a lot ...

I dunno about Soconfused11, but I know for me, that I HOPE he's thinking about me ... because if he isn't, then that means what we had for the past 2 years meant absolutely nothing to him ... and that is more pain than I think I can bear ...

AmpHusky

Yep, they do that, and it makes you feel like crap. They are the swallow ones that need someone by them to suck the life out of. Until they work a program they are still doing the same old.

Freedom1990

First of all, life isn't fair, and you know it, my dear.

Secondly, you're letting irrational thoughts consume you.

There is so much work to be done with yourself, and I truly pray someday you can be grateful that she took him off of your hands, because that is a blessing in disguise. I understand you can't see that right now.

I hope you are doing some things with your son, because I have no doubt there is a lot of love wrapped up in that little man who just wants his mom to focus on him and make a better life for both of you. :ghug

sodetermined

I'm missing the "other" Chris, the good Chris, our routine. I don't miss all the bull crap, and I am really trying to focus on that.....it is just so very difficult to do. And Denny57, I actually do have a fun day planned. My son has a friend over, and I have a scavenger hunt planned, we're going to make brownies, watch movies, and play bingo. I'm really trying to stay busy, and concentrate on me and us, and enjoy this peace. And it is very peaceful. It's also very lonely, and there are parts about Chris that I miss. He is not a horrible person, I wish I could say that he was. He was a very selfish, alcoholic, who could be very controlling and mean sometimes. He could also be very kind, very sweet, and very thoughtful. There are 2 sides to Chris. And I know this new woman will get lots of the good Chris and I'm sad and angry and jealous.

sodetermined

Yes.....I am right there with you, I just wish I knew that he is hurting like I am hurting, that he feels a sense of loss. But I guess that's what the new girl is for...to make him not think as much about me?

DeVon, I keep hearing that this is my blessing in disguise. And I honestly do not want Chris back, I don't. I am the one that chose to end this. But I am nowhere near the point of wanting him to be happy when I am so miserable. No, I take that back. If he were alone, I wouldn't mind seeing him happy. I truly don't want to see him be happy with another woman, that's not fair.

And also, Ryan and I had a fabulous night last night. He keeps saying "Just forget about Chris", and then after a conversation about Chris today, when I got off the phone he said "if you keep talking about him you're not ever gonna forget him". If only I could think like him. But we camped out in his room last night and watched Ice Age and Ice Age 2. We laughed and laughed, and it was very relaxing. Inside I was a mess, and I was so wanting Chris here, but I tried to make sure Ryan didn't see that.

Stubborn1

I don't understand why you are talking to him in the first place to even hear about his date. Also, if your friends are that good of friends then why are they telling you what he's doing. KNOWING it will hurt your heart.
It didn't sound like such a wonderful date to me. Bowling was probably the only thing where he could drink and make it look as if they were doing something wholesome. You and I both know he's bs'ing this chick.
Do yourself the favor and tell your friends you do not care what he's doing and when it gets back to him that you wish him happiness..........then.....he'll feel like crap.
No they do not change that fast and I feel sorry for the next girl who he does this to. What girl who respects herself would want a guy is an alcoholic, just recently broke up, doesn't even have a drivers license and thinks a bowling alley is a good date. LMBO You are holding on to what he could become......it would take a huge epiphany for him to change.
He should have his shat together before he ever brings any woman into his life. If he doesn't that's not saying much for him or her or any possible relationship.
Find a guy who doesn't drink like a sailor, respects you, thinks staying in is a good first date without alcohol, has a job, a drivers license, a car and his own place and doesn't talk about drugs or drinking. Attract a decent man.....you deserve that!