cassandra2

I ask because there are some things that are happening right now with my exabf and I am thinking that this is the path that is gonna force him to wake up.

He has a child from a previous relationship. The mother is very vindictive and has tried for the last 2 years to find ways to keep him from his daughter. She has been unsuccessful because we have always made sure that are t's were crossed and our i's are dotted. This USED to be EXTREMELY important to him.

Now the mother has found out that we are seperated and that technically he is homeless and this could be her out. The law says that she can only change visitation if something happens that dramatically changes in either the mothers life or the fathers life. It would seem to me that being homeless, jobless, addicted to pain pills (which I dont think she knows) and verbally abusive to her is the exact combo she needs to take his visitation away.

I am praying that this happens because I know that this man has fought and jumped through every hoop the court has requested of him the last couple of years in order to be able to see this child and now he is jepordizing it in the worst way and doesnt even see it. She is suing him again they go back to court end of November and I am seeing that this may be the path that will force him into reality. Does anyone agree?

wenchris

There is always a bottom to hit but it is different for everyone.

For so long, we will look for the solutions and the answers to what will work for the addict's we love. The problem is that we are working harder than the addict is. When the addict begins to do the work, and work hard, then he has found his path. (Not to say he will not veer from it)

cassandra2

I know that that is what I am doing working harder then he is. My mind is spinning with all the directions this could take and really bottom line it makes me sad. I dont understand why he is choosing to hand over the nails to his coffin without even a second thought.

This just reconfirms his addict behavior because before this never would have been a possiblity for him. NOT LOSING HIS DAUGHTER actually used to matter. Now it seems as if its an afterthought.

winnie12

Gosh i could be wrong here but when i read about the "vindictive" mother and the fact that he is homeless, jobless, an addict, and verbally abusive it somewhat makes me wonder if the mother is vindictive or just plain right in not wanting her child around him? If i were that child's mom I would do whatever i could to keep my child away from him and wouldnt give a dang about what anyone else thought of me. Seriously, if he is an addict and she doesnt know a part of me thinks she has a right to know if her child could possibly be around him. If you know he has this problem and something happens to that child while in his care how will you feel?

I do hope as you do that it might be the bottom for him to get his life together but please think of the safety of the child in this case. He doesnt seem like he is in a good state to take care of a child.

cassandra2

For the last 3 years of this childs life she has been vindictive because the story always changes. He is a bad father because he gave her lemonade, he is a bad father because he dumped her, he is a bad father because he is with someone else. She told him that when they broke up he could NOT see his daughter because she hated him. That is vindictive. She wasnt acting in the childs best interest here.

His problem with pills has progressed to the point where making sure he is always doing what he is supposed to do to keep his child in his life was first and foremost. Now with the clouding of the pills that is no longer first and foremost.

He has been homeless for 3 weeks now and has not been able to work due to the surgery he has had. He is living with his sister and yes these NOW should be signs to the mother to be concerned with her child. I was just wondering if that would be something like seeing the light for him. I know how hard he has fought to be in her life. I stood by him in that fight and now I just cant fathom him allowing this to continue.

winnie12

Just playing devils advocate (for the child's sake.)
I know my ex claimed (and still claims) i did and said a lot of things like this which i didnt do. he would tell the story but then exclude little facts like how he drunkenly beat me many times, how he was mad at me and ran the baby stroller through the middle of traffic, or even how he told his son he was going to kill me while choking me in front of him? none of that is discussed only the fact that he claims i wouldnt let him see his son (which i never did) and that I'M crazy. As an outsider here i just want to suggest that there may be more to the story then you know. We want to believe people we love but what you may see as irrational may be because of past events that you dont know about.
I may be wrong and she may be vindictive but that child is really the important thing - not him/not her/not you.

Chino

The only recovery road I see is the one I'm on

Ann

I'm afraid that's how it works...we get to work on our own recovery while learning that another person's life and recovery are simply not ours to guess/manoevre/question/orchestrate.

Cassandra, I've followed your posts and my heart goes out to you, but I have to ask...what are you doing for YOUR recovery?

Have you tried meetings? Have you tried focusing on what is healthy for you and then working through the obstacles?

What he is doing, what his ex (vindictive or otherwise) is doing, is simply not yours, mine or anyone else's to control.

But your life is all yours today. You have choices and you can choose to live in his problems or you can choose to live in your solutions. I promise you that living in the solution is what can bring you forward and into new beginnings.

Sending hugs for you and prayers for the child, that whatever happens IS in the child's best interest.

Hugs

Impurrfect

((Cassandra))

This might be what makes him hit bottom, and it might not. I've seen too many addicts lose their kids and keep on using. One of the girls I used to use with had an adorable 3-year-old, and she kept using. She got pregnant with twins, got clean, and then came and found my bf and I and got high with us (I tried to talk her out of it, but couldn't). She went into labor the next day, and the twins were taken from her because there was cocaine in her system.

She finally hit bottom and last I heard had gotten her twins back, as well as the older child and was doing great.

Another girl I knew walked away from all FOUR of her kids. She is now back in prison.

What I'm trying to point out, is what YOU think should cause his bottom may or may not.

Best thing to do is keep working on YOUR recovery (which I think you are doing a great job of, BTW), and hope for the best, prepare for the worst, when it comes to him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

Ditto what Ann said.

IMO, he's taking up way too much space in your head.

Freedom1990

My oldest AD lost custody of her children, and she didn't even blink twice.

She's still an active addict.

winnie12

Cassandra - I thought about my post and felt that i may have been a bit cold to your problems and wanted to apologize if i came across that way. I think that I have just seen so many kids that were hurt by addict parents and how my AS's dad has negatively affected him and it just makes me sad to see any kid having to go through that. Kids are just one of my trigger points of frustration with addiction. I wish that no child ever had to see the ugly face of addiction.

So again i wanted to apologize if i was cold to your feelings.

cassandra2

winnie12- Thank you for your apology. Ya I kinda did feel that you were cold. I understand how you would feel that way. I was just sweeping my kitchen floor and thinking about the kids and how hard this has been for them. Sometimes I just want to shake him back into reality because its so frustrating to see what they dont.

Its like he has disconnected emotionally and is really no longer there. The one hope that I had is like I said for the last few years we have fought an up hill battle to keep that little girl with us and now he doesnt even see that she is slowly slipping from him. I thought that maybe that would be the breaking point for him because I know what his kids mean to him. Even in this state he still has a little sense. But now I am not even sure because I know this path he is on will lead to certain doom.

I guess what I was asking is if anyone has heard of someone being on the brink of losing their kids and did an about face and got help? I am just searching for understanding, compassion, and help through this terrible situation that I cant believe everyday I am waking up to. I want this to be over.

cassandra2

One more thing. I was reading let me fall and was wondering if by letting go of this situation with the child and letting the chips fall where they may would be considered letting him fall? I want so badly to tell him that he is giving the mother the nails to close his coffin and he will certainly lose what little visitation he has now. Give him something to think about. But then last night we were texting about the kids and I brought up something about he expects me to keep my word but I cant expect him to keep his word and he stopped texting me.

This is why I say he is disconnecting emotionally. Whenever I bring something up that is emotional like the fact that he has now pretty much abandoned us he just refuses to accept that and wont even speak about it. Its like in his heart he knows what he is doing wrong but doesnt want his brain to allow himself to think about those things.

So should I let him fall with this or hold up a road sign?

winnie12

Cassandra - Thank you. sometimes when I read posts old pains really come forward - I have to remember that every life is different and that other's experiences are not always the same as my experience. Sometimes I'm too Black/White and have to remind myself there are a lot more grays in the world.

I do believe in miracles (see them everyday) and do believe that anything/everything can happen. I pray for miracles but live in what today holds. Tomorrow is too uncertain and can sometimes be a mirage.

Loosing his child could be his wake up call - we have to hit bottom before we can start the climb back up and it sounds like he loves his daughter a great deal so that could be his bottom. Everyones bottom is different, jail, hospital, divorce, job loss, maybe for him its his daughter.

I sometimes wish i had a fast forward button on my life so that i could see how this is all going to turn out. I havent found that button yet so all I/we can do is focus on now and what now holds.

cassandra2

That is what I am trying to do but all to often I find myself looking at the consequences of his actions. This was suppose to be the weekend he came and got the rest of his stuff but alas he changed his mind. I know that he loves his daughter very much and I just have to shake my head because like all of us on the other side of addiction we can see where that road is leading.

I believe that my situation is a gray situation. He is a wonderful man and has just gotten ahold of some mighty powerful substances that are clouding his thinking. I know that if it werent for the pills that he would see this as a HUGE problem. But he is still in denial that it has gotten so out of control.

The mother is very vindictive and I know that she will use all of this against him for which I am grateful for because in my heart I know that losing her would be his rock bottom. I know the core of this person and I believe, have faith and pray that while this maybe bad for him to lose his daughter it very well could save his life. Thank you for your post I appreciate that you reached out like that.

Celebration1994

No consequences of any kind could stop me from drinking or drugging. I couldn't stop, because I didn't know how, and was afraid to ask, and didn't really want to. I had to hit my bottom, which took 30 years to get to. When I finally did, it was simply I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, the drugs and alcohol just didn't work and I was an emotional wreck with them or without them. I know my family, friends, and children always wanted me to stop, but even they could not make me....I had to... want to stop more than I wanted to use. It was a Sunday morning, and I was wandering aimlessly, drunk and high, and decided NO MORE. I went to the local hospital and said please you must help me, I can't go on like this anymore. They did, they offered detox and rehab...I went. So I say all this to let you know, for me, I had to WANT to stop. I had to hit my emotional bottom. To this day I do not believe that anyone or the threats of losing anyone or anything would have worked, because they never did, I had to just WANT to stop.

The sad part of my story is that everyone suffered with my addictions. The best part of my story is I found help, and got clean and sober.

Chino

We've probably all held a road sign and waved it in their faces; some of us have even thrown ourselves in front of their moving vehicle. Sometimes they stop, sometimes they don't and run right over us.

I'm curious about what you're willing to do to prevent his fall?

cassandra2

I am NOT willing to do anything to prevent this fall. I welcome the fall. I welcome the rock bottom. There is nothing I can do to prevent it. I tried to tell him today that these things CAN and WILL happen. His reponse..."Your soooooo right". He was being cocky. He thinks this isnt a big deal and that there isnt a problem. Well I welcome this problem because I know what will happen. I know in my heart that this will cause enough devestation to make him stop and think.....

Freedom1990

Addiction is a three-fold disease-physical, mental, and spiritual.

If the drugs were my only problem, then it would stand to reason that once I put down the drugs, I would be fine.

That certainly wasn't the case for me, nor for most addicts I personally know.

The drug use was only a symptom of much deeper underlying issues, and unless I address those issues, it's only a matter of time before I look to chemical relief from those issues.

My oldest AD has managed to pass her UAs this time on probation. Why? Because she's working doctors and is on a combination of antidepressants, and now Xanax has been added to the mix.

She doesn't care what drugs she uses, as long as they keep her from facing her issues.

When I took the grandkids to her yesterday, which is always difficult to do, she was telling me how 'good' that Xanax is because all she does is eat and sleep.

She still has the same self-centered personality, blaming everyone else for her circumstances, rationalizes, and justifies.

Recovery is more than just not picking up the drugs. It is a life-changing transformation.