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Nowhere else to turn...

Old 10-24-2008, 01:25 PM
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Nowhere else to turn...

I have been fighing depression off and on it seems all my life. I guess that's what made me so suceptible in becoming a victim of drug abuse. First it was Ecstasy then Meth. The feeling of confidence and false self esteem was so real I was immediately addicted. I used regularly for almost 2 years, mostly meth. During this time many horrible things happened to me but 2 that will always be engrained in my head.

During one of my highs I met a group of 12-15 guys (can't remember the exact # but about that) that promised me the best in Ecstasy. All I had to do was go with them and chill out for an hour or so. I knew they were hoping for something "more" for their goods but I was so confident I can just get the drugs and skip that I went along with it. Once we got to their place they gave me 2 tabs which instantly melted in my mouth. I remember taking 8 before I lost count. I've never had any that seemed to hit almost instantly. Before long what little inhibitions I had completely disappeared. I found myself teasing a few of them. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up having sex with one of them. At first I didn't mind but when two more guys came up after the first I started to feel uneasy, nauseous and decided I had enough and wanted to leave. Unfortunately I couldn't offer much resistence because my body was so weak from all the drugs all I could do was lay there while every single one of them took turns on me. I can't even remember what was real and what wasn't anymore because peoples faces were morphing into ghastly beings and shadows were racing by me. Lights and tunnels and trains and a weak cry to stop that I somehow recognized as my own.

6 months later.....

The second most dramatic episode was my break-up with my BF. He had enough of my ups and downs and decided he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I can't blame him but I was at an all time low when he decided to drop this bomb on me and I begged him not to do this to me. He wouldn't listen even after I told him that I would kill myself if he left me. At that he hung up and stopped answering my calls. To make matters worse he had his ex call me to say they were getting married in a week. I knew this was a lie to get me to forget I had a chance in hell but it hurt so much knowing that he didn't even wait to break up with me first before getting back with his ex. So in my crazed high at 3:00AM I sped my car up to 95 mph and ran straight into a wall. My small car hit one side and seemed to roll over to the other side (or maybe I'm imagining it) and hit the other side of the wall before rolling to a stop. I must have passed out because it seemed the ambulance and police were there instantly. They had to cut out my convertible top and pull me out of the car which was completely totaled. It was so crushed in from both sides I am amazed I am still breathing today.

After this traumatic incidence I quit meth and ecstacy cold turkey. Went through the most horrible withdrawal and depression not to mention the most awful physical pain from my broken ankle that not even the Hydrocodone seems to help at times. I should've thanked my lucky stars that's all I broke but I didn't. All I could think about was that I would have been better off dead.

To make a very long story as short as possible I was able to get past the withdrawals and stay clean for a whole year. The depression unfortunately only got worse. My BF became my husband about 2 years after this incident. I know, I know, - How crazy is that!!!!

All this happened in 2003. I had a relapse a year later with meth only I awsn't doing it anywhere as often as before. Actually I had it under control by doing only 1 or 2 lines every 4-6 months. But then recently I discovered Tramadol. So I'm doing tramadol (ocassionally with meth) and found that it helps with my depression and gets me through the day. It started as 1 50mg pill 2-3 times a week, then it was 1 everyday, 2 everyday, now it's 4-5 a day at least. I didn't even know I was getting addicted until I ran out last week. Now I'm going through a different kind of withdrawal that is even worse than what I went through with meth and ecstasy. I can't believe that's possible. This is a legal drug that supposedly has no withdrawal associated with it. Since I've stopped taking it a week ago I have not been able to sleep one wink and have developed extreme RLS. Chills, Hot and Cold Flashes. The RLS was the worst because it kept me from sleeping period. I've tried herbal oils, over the counter pain pills, sleep aid (Unisom - took 4 last night) and still cannot sleep. I can handle the chills, nausea and hot/cold flashes but not being able to sleep I cannot take. People at work are starting to look at me funny because I'm usually one that takes care of my personal appearance. Lately I've been coming into work with my hair unbrushed, no make-up, wearing clothes that looks like I slept in and I can't imagine I smell very good either with all the Ice Hott and other oils that I've been rubbing all over my legs to no avail. I feel haggard and extremely depressed. Last night I started getting suicidal thoughts again which really freaked me out.

All this has made me realize that I've got to stop again and this time I cannot ever go back unless I want to be dead and I don't.

I wish this was something I can talk to with my husband but after what happened the last time I know better. He isn't going to be sympathetic - his way of thought is if you get yourself in a hole than you should be able to get yourself out

I wish I had someone going through similar experiences I can talk to even if it's only online. I don't have the courage to go to an NA because I'm incredibly shy. Talking in front of a group will have me stuttering like an idiot before I even start so it's not an option for me unless they're willing to let me sit in without sharing.

With all the research I've done online this whole week I cannot seem to find a link with RLS as a symptom of withdrawal from Tramadol. In fact I've found it the reverse - that doctors are prescribing Tramadol to treat RLS? I can easily get a refill for Tramadol but I'm afraid to now. I don't want it to get worse than it is now.

I don't know how much longer my body can function without sleep - even if I only get 20 minutes I would be greatful right now.
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Old 10-24-2008, 01:32 PM
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Hi SBE,

While I don't have any personal experience with drugs (my DOC is alcohol), I wanted to say hello, welcome, and offer you some great big virtual hugs. Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sure some others will be able to offer some relevant advice.

I do want to say that I am 99% sure you can go to NA and not have to talk. At AA, you just say that you'd like to just listen today and that's just fine. They won't mind one bit. If you listen for a while, I'm positive that you'll hear stories you can relate to, and sooner or later you'll WANT to share a story of your own. But until then, listening will help you, too. Just being in the company of others who understand what you're going through will be a huge relief. I strongly encourage you to go.

I also strongly encourage you to come back here often. The people are are wonderful, and the support is unending.
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Old 10-24-2008, 01:32 PM
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Hi,

I really, strongly suggest you talk to your dr. You really need his advice on what is the best thing to do now.

Have you ever considered talking to your dr about getting antidepressants?
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Old 10-24-2008, 01:35 PM
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p.s. Is Tramadol the only thing you're currently taking? Just curious about possible drug interactions that might be causing the RLS. No medical advice here, just asking.
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Old 10-24-2008, 05:00 PM
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I'm sorry I cannot relate to your dilemma, except for the part that I hide my addiction from my husband as well. I feel very stongly that you need support! Either family, friends or maybe yes, your husband. And it would probably be best to see your doctor ASAP. You're right, you can't keep going on like this, your body can't take much more. I am so sorry to hear what's happened to you. I will say a prayer for you and continue to pray that you will get through this, I know there is light at the end of this tunnel for you. As for NA, you REALLY should check it out. And yes, you can just sit there and listen and not participate at first. The people at these meetings will be very welcomming and repsect your wishes. I bet you will actually meet some wonderful people that you will learn to open up to.

I wish you all the best!

Amy
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Old 10-24-2008, 05:19 PM
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I'm glad you came to SR and were brave enough to share your story. I too believe the best thing you could possibly do is make an appointment with your doctor and share what you have shared with us.
Please keep coming back and sharing here, you will find many supportive people. SR has kept me sober for 8 months now.
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