brundle

I've jumped in here a few times about my AH. But today I'm still whirling from having to deal with my parents. I stopped at their house yesterday to give them some information about a surgery I need. I have some health issues.

Some how the conversation turned to money (or my lack of control of it) and I had to put up with my controlling father's carrying on over how I handle my marriage, my money ect... My mother (the nervous co-dependent) tried to smooth things over when my eyes filled with tears. (I'm sure that freaked her out I rarely loose control of my emotions.)

I guess what I want to know is... Does anyone else feel that some of their problems started with their family? It's taken me until this year (I just turned 40) to be able to say my mother is really an alcoholic and a co-dependent to my crazy tyrant of a father. Talk about denial!

If I get out now (working on leaving AH) and get help for me and my kids (17 & 22) do they have a chance at a more normal life?

This is my second marriage to an addict; do we every completely recover that we can stay away from these poison people?

Just curious! Looking for survivors...

Learning how

I have to say that for myself, I think a lot of the codependent behaviors that I have, I learned growing up.

I think I learned what I lived, and to me it was normal. So when the alcoholism started to progress in my home as an adult, I delt with it the way my mom did.

I am not blaming anyone, I made the choices but I do think that this is a family disease. I think that with a lot of work, (or it has been a lot of work for me) people can get better.

Here's to getting better.

HealthyLimits

You made the choice to not had to. If you had to it would infer some level of control he had over you beyond what you give him. I'm saying that because you need to remember that you're an adult in charge of what you allow somebody to do to you.

Pretty normal I think. In a world without wheels some people would invent them at 5 others 50 and some never. The point is even something that seems simple isn't always simple. Don't beat yourself up for what you haven't done be proud of what you have done and where you plan to go.

Of course, kids aren't a chicken you left on the counter too long. Knowing what's wrong is often the hardest part of any fight. When you know why you do what you do you can work on fixing it. I think your children should be a huge focus so they can break the cycle.

Always easy to go back to that fight and all you have to do is wake up one day too weak to say no and it starts all over again. Set small goal, take pride in achieving them and the best tool you can get yourself is a VERY healthy self esteem so work on that.

Good luck!

lizw

Are you serious?
I don't think children are born crazy!

So that's a big YES from me, it is a family problem. Most of my crazy behaviour is stuff I learnt to cope with my childhood and despite being an adult, I have not let go of it.

I am also noticing 'new old behaviors' a lot too.

I go to Al Anon to learn new healthy behaviors that work better than the old ones.

justjo

The only advise I could offer is this. If I ever question myself or situations, I ask myself - does it really matter, how important is it to me?
You wont change your parents but you can learn from experiences. I listen to what my mind is trying to tell me and I go with it. Over the years I have asked myself (what on earth am I learning from this, why do people treat me this way? why is this happening)
I stopped letting people use and abuse me and I have never felt better. You have control honey to live your life the way you want to and your children will see the difference no matter how old they are.