HurtingDad

My 21 yr old AS after 9 months clean in a 1/2 house, good job as a waiter, is again living on the street of NYC, back on methadone. As much as he hated detoxing from it last time he says its preveting him from doing stupid things and he's not shooting drugs.

I called up the NJ Addicition Hotline and they gave me 4 names & numbers of places in NJ that take charity and indigent cases. Now before I go through the exhausting phone calls --you know the ones that start off with
"Hi. I'm calling for my son/daughter/wife/husband whose...."

Am I being a Codie? I want to help him...but not hurt him. It's just so hard doing nothing when nothing is what needs to be done.....thanks...

cece1960

I can only give you what I've learned about myself.
When I set myself up for disappointment if my son doesn't follow through...chances are I WILL be disappointed, and not in that "Oh bummer" way...a much deeper darker version.
However, I have found that I often do better when I can present options, no strings attached, and know that I did all I could to "help". I know we can't stop them, but as a parent I sometimes need to know I've helped in a more constructive, not self-destructing way. Sometimes its the only way I can convince myself to back off.
For me, it very often comes back to my expectations and emotional investment of the outcome of my efforts.
For me its not about hurting him anymore...its about hurting me.
So...I do my best
(((Hugs)))

mooselips

If HE can pick up that phone and dial....then that's for him to do.


Don't set yourself up for possible failure. If HE truly wants it, he'll be making the calls.


(Although my retro codie brain says...but...)

(thank Goodness I'm in recovery....)

Freedom1990

He's had recovery before. He knows where the resources are, and how to access them.

I'm going to give you the other side of the coin as a recovering addict.

I am now 50 years old, and over 18 years clean/sober.

My biggest lessons I have learned have been from being allowed to make my own decisions, right or wrong.

My mother still feels she knows best for my life.

She hasn't spoken to me for two months now because she's 'upset' because I stood up for myself and was not going to co-sign her BS.

Give your son the dignity to make his own choices, poor though they may be.

I also realized when I was trying to 'help' my oldest AD, what I was telling her was that she wasn't capable of making her own decisions, right or wrong, and that I didn't trust God enough to allow things to be as they were.

I don't want to communicate that message to her anymore than I want to get that from my own mother. I can't change how my mother is, but I can change my role as a parent to my own adult children.

winnie12

A lot 21 year olds who arent addicts have trouble with finding things and making phone calls - 21 isnt a magic number of a grown up especially if they have had problems before - a lot of parents with perfectly healthy kids still have to help them figure out how to do things those first few years. I may be completely wrong here but i think if he asks for help and you are just helping him to find some treatment options for him that there is no harm - others with more experience please correct me if i'm wrong. If he doesnt want the help then it may be best to back off.

If your 21 yr old wanted to go back to college and asked for help filling out the forms you wouldnt consider that wrong but if your kid didnt want to go to college and you filled out applications for him that would be stepping over the line and trying to control him. I would see if you can put your situation into that light and see what side you are on.

mooselips

I have kept a list of free Rehabs, and homeless shelter addresses, and meeting times and locations, by my phone....just in case my addict asks.

Can't hurt to have it handy.. ...........if they ask.

Jody Hepler

As a former NJ resident, I can tell you that there are plenty of indigent detoxes, rehabs and halfway houses for your son. And the Salvation Army. And some with religious connections.

I always figured that if my sons could find drugs, they could find a place to stay if they wanted to. And their idea of a place to stay was not the same as their mother's idea. I wanted them sober and in a recovery house, they only wanted a place to hang their hat - and probably to get away from their ever controlling Mom!

My new favorite line from someone on this Board:
I love you. I've raised a very smart son. I'm sure you'll figure this out.

It was so very hard for me to let go. But I just couldn't stand the emotional pain.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Stubborn1

I agree with letting him know you have numbers. It's up to him to ask for them.

laurie6781

I think getting the phone numbers of the places that he might be able to get into is really great.

Now, however, instead of you calling them..................................give the information to your son. It's his choice to call or not, not yours.

There is a fine line there. I learned a long time ago, for me anyway, that it was alright to get some info, but if I did more than just pass it on, my codie was rearing her ugly head one more time, lol

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Chino

I agree with letting him know there are resources out there for him, if and when he's ready. He may come back and ask for them, or find his own path and all on his own timetable. My daughter did both and there were times when I did all the talking because she's on our insurance.

You and your son are in my prayers.

marle

My daughter makes all her own calls. She has done pretty good so far. If she asks my advice, I give it to her but she does things in her own time. She needs to get a dental appointment and keeps saying she does and I tell her that she knows where to call. I will give the ride and pay for the cleaning and x-rays, but so far she has not called. I know that she will when she is ready. Same with us. We do things when we are ready. Give your son the numbers and then step back and let him make the calls. Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

Give him the list of numbers, let him do the calling.

praying he takes any opportunity offered to recover,
susan
:praying

hope213

i have to agree with the others. give him the numbers. i am sorry about him & i am sorry u r going thru this again. we r here for you. prayers for u both,

Impurrfect

(((Hurtingdad)))

I'm late on this, but I agree with letting him know the resources are available and giving him the numbers to call.

When I was using, my dad offered to pay for rehab. I was eligible for FREE rehab in the town I was living, but I just wasn't ready. For most of us it just takes time, consequences, and getting sick and tired of the lifestyle. I pray he gets there soon.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

baxter

Sure is hard when we love them so much. I'm with all those ahead of me, even though I've never had my daughter so much as admit she has a problem. Good luck and prayers for whatever you decide to do.