Wondering whats really going on
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Wondering whats really going on
I remember coming back from a slip in the past very upset. Depressed. Sometimes hopeless.
Not this time.
It lit a fire under my ass.
And I dont feel bad about it like I thought I would.
I am disappointed I lost my time. I am not thrilled I let my dad down again. And he isnt talking to me AGAIN.
But I am not sad about it. It has given me a drive to do something with myself again.
I am on a job hunt like my life depends on it. I have been making appts liek I should have been doing for awhile now. I dont even have that after using bad attitude.
Actually I feel very calm and focused and ready to do what I have to do to make my life better in alot of ways.
I feel very determined and hopeful and have a new sense of gratefulness I lost somewhere along the way there in that 4 mos of being clean.
I no longer feel that rage and depression.
I dont know if I am setting myself up again. Or what really has me concerned is that if it didnt have a huge negative impact. Whats going to stop me from doing it again?
I dont want to do it again. I dont feel the need or want to.
But if it doesnt traumatise me like it always has in the past. What is going to keep me going in the right direction?
I dont want to look back later on in a time of weakness and be like. Oh it wasnt that bad last time. You know what I mean?
I wasnt missing much. But I didnt hate it like I have every time before.
I am in no way saying I had a ball and I am going to go again.
I know better. But the shock value of it isnt there.
I am hoping I dont need to fall back to the depths of hell to keep looking for recovery.
I dont know. I am glad I am not all depressed and beating myself up. But at the same time..It worries me for later times.
Does that make sense?
Not this time.
It lit a fire under my ass.
And I dont feel bad about it like I thought I would.
I am disappointed I lost my time. I am not thrilled I let my dad down again. And he isnt talking to me AGAIN.
But I am not sad about it. It has given me a drive to do something with myself again.
I am on a job hunt like my life depends on it. I have been making appts liek I should have been doing for awhile now. I dont even have that after using bad attitude.
Actually I feel very calm and focused and ready to do what I have to do to make my life better in alot of ways.
I feel very determined and hopeful and have a new sense of gratefulness I lost somewhere along the way there in that 4 mos of being clean.
I no longer feel that rage and depression.
I dont know if I am setting myself up again. Or what really has me concerned is that if it didnt have a huge negative impact. Whats going to stop me from doing it again?
I dont want to do it again. I dont feel the need or want to.
But if it doesnt traumatise me like it always has in the past. What is going to keep me going in the right direction?
I dont want to look back later on in a time of weakness and be like. Oh it wasnt that bad last time. You know what I mean?
I wasnt missing much. But I didnt hate it like I have every time before.
I am in no way saying I had a ball and I am going to go again.
I know better. But the shock value of it isnt there.
I am hoping I dont need to fall back to the depths of hell to keep looking for recovery.
I dont know. I am glad I am not all depressed and beating myself up. But at the same time..It worries me for later times.
Does that make sense?
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I am not sad about it. It has given me a drive to do something with myself again.
..... I feel very calm and focused and ready to do what I have to do to make my life better in alot of ways.
I feel very determined and hopeful and have a new sense of gratefulness I lost somewhere along the way there in that 4 mos of being clean.
..... I feel very calm and focused and ready to do what I have to do to make my life better in alot of ways.
I feel very determined and hopeful and have a new sense of gratefulness I lost somewhere along the way there in that 4 mos of being clean.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
chiynita,
Yes, it does make sense. It seems to me you've learned a lot about recovery. You learned the slip wasn't fun, didn't solve anything and it seems like you can embrace recovery without beating yourself up! Looks like progress to me!
You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Lenina
Yes, it does make sense. It seems to me you've learned a lot about recovery. You learned the slip wasn't fun, didn't solve anything and it seems like you can embrace recovery without beating yourself up! Looks like progress to me!
You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
Maybe the crack is just losing it's appeal? You've had a good run at recovery, and you cut this slip really short. In the past, we wouldn't have heard from you for a while.
I don't know, but I think you're just getting tired of the old life. I don't have to have the huge regrets, anymore. I just think about it and wonder "what did I really see in all that?"
Sometimes I worry that I'm too complacent...I really, really have no desire for crack, but then I'm never around it anymore. I've wanted to get numb a few times, but was thinking about using something other than crack...bad idea.
Obviously, I have no answer to what you're thinking, and i"m tired so probably not making any sense. I just know that, even though you slipped, I'm still seeing progress and a willingness to ask for suggestions and help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Maybe the crack is just losing it's appeal? You've had a good run at recovery, and you cut this slip really short. In the past, we wouldn't have heard from you for a while.
I don't know, but I think you're just getting tired of the old life. I don't have to have the huge regrets, anymore. I just think about it and wonder "what did I really see in all that?"
Sometimes I worry that I'm too complacent...I really, really have no desire for crack, but then I'm never around it anymore. I've wanted to get numb a few times, but was thinking about using something other than crack...bad idea.
Obviously, I have no answer to what you're thinking, and i"m tired so probably not making any sense. I just know that, even though you slipped, I'm still seeing progress and a willingness to ask for suggestions and help.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Does that make sense?
and I am so glad you are back. i love reading your stuff and growing with you. I bet it would be awsome to listen to you in person at a meeting.
you keep up the good work, and go get em....don't forget to chase that recovery (if that's what you do) in the midst of your job search
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
I guess what I'm trying to do is be aware of what triggers the desires to drink and do something to get rid of them asap. Tonight, I had a stronger desire to drink than I have in a long time, so I came here to read and post some. I get perspective here.
I wish you the best. Just keep plugging away the best you can.
Take care,
BMUS
I wish you the best. Just keep plugging away the best you can.
Take care,
BMUS
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Trish the most important thing in recovering is change!!!
Sounds like you have changed!!!
Stay in the day, stay the course you are on right now, remain willing to continue to change as needed to stay clean.
Sounds like you have changed!!!
Stay in the day, stay the course you are on right now, remain willing to continue to change as needed to stay clean.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Change -- Warning: RAMBLE!
I'll be ranting and going off on tangents that I usually keep to myself because people think i'm a nutcase when I ramble freely. So WARNING: unleashed.
Yes, I think that what you're saying makes a LOT of sense. Your attitude toward using has changed (or shifted if you prefer that word) because - like all of us - you are learning from each experience. Here's what I think:
Nothing stays the same or in one place for long, not our feelings, not our points of views, and certainly not us as a whole. Recovery - Life - is an ongoing, never-ending process. It's just our memories and habits that delude us into believing that we're stagnant and stuck. I think that, among other things, using drugs/drinking is a desperate attempt to freeze time. The experience of using never seems to change, it becomes familiar, and we know what to expect. The thrill is gone and it even becomes boring. But it still feels safe, static.
Sobriety is scary because it implies stepping out of that coccoon. Still there is no need to be a "hero" to BE courageous - each breath we take makes us brave because we have no idea of what will be thrown our way in a few moments, yet most of us choose to keep breathing. At the same time, addiction and relapses does not make us cowards... it's okay and natural to be scared. Yet maybe that's one of the reasons we think that relapse can be comforting. If we feel depressed, angry, scared or whatever, maybe we just turn to wards what we think will make us feel better, despite the consequences. But after the relapse, maybe we feels like we're right back where we started - I think that is an illusion though:
You learned to walk, what, 31 years ago? With all of the effort, difficulty, fear and false starts that doing so implies. You changed back then. You can still get back on your knees and crawl whenever you like, and you can ever crawl backwards. That doesn't mean that you can't get back on your feet anytime you choose and keep moving forward. It also doesn't mean that crawling won't kill you at some point because, say, by being at floor level it's impossible to see the dangers that lay ahead (how else would you explain the fact that people whisk babies into their arms as soon as they crawl too far). That's why I think that relapse is not "going back to zero" or "a step back wards", but more like falling or dropping to our knees (and I'll keep my views on some religions out of this ramble). And there is no way any of us is "stuck", maybe we are just unaware of the constant shifts, ripples and waves that envelope us.
So at any given moment, we (and everything) is changing, we are carrying ourselves towards new places, experiences and points of view. That is a fact, physics proves it, geography proves it, psychology proves it - though there is no need to be a physicist or a geographer or a psychologist to realize it's true. It WOULD be nice to be a geographer with a map and some knowledge on where it is we're going, but most of us are not that lucky. So to take on that uncharted terrain that's coming towards us, I think that we're better off on our feet.
I also think that it would be even better if we had some sort of faith to guide us, something or somebody we can trust along the way. We *all* need to reach out for help (and I'm not only talking recovery here) because I think that fear of change is an understandable part of our nature. A lot of people believe that human beings are the only species born thoroughly premature - if a human cub is left completely alone right after birth, it *will* die. So we all need a helping hand to guide us from the start and, as we find our footing, chances are we will still need help in one way or another right until we die; drugs and alcohol may seem helpful, but all they really do is push us back to the floor - literally so. They fool us into believing that nothing changes, that everything stays the same, when reality is, in fact, the complete opposite. I think that change is at the core of everything, and it won't stop just because we want it to. We can just hope there is a light on that will guide us through those unknown lands - a safety net.
About that map... I think there is one: being present by staying in the NOW; it's the infamous "one day at a time" idea, though the concept of "now" was not invented by AA, NA and certainly not by Oprah. By *being* present, we are able to become aware of what's changing around us and within us... so we're able to surf it. Flow with it. And use it to our advantage.
Don't freak out: did you know that, depending on traffic congestion and other circumstances, sometimes commercial airplanes waste more fuel taxiing to a runway for takeoff than on their actualy flight between LAX and San Diego? That's because planes were designed to fly and they crave the sky. So it only makes sense that some airlines are now towing their aircraft to the runway to save on fuel otherwise spent crawling around on the ground. Why waste your own fuel there when you could be flying instead?
Chi, I know that you far outsmart me, that you have much more experience and that you could flick me off like a pesky nuisance. But please, embrace change. It's happening whether you like it or not, so you might as well acknowledge it, and flow *with* it, not against it:
Originally Posted by ANGELINA243
I'm not sure what changed this last time--but something sure did.
Originally Posted by Tazman53
Sounds like you have changed!!!
Originally Posted by Toomutch
I see you changing Trish.
Originally Posted by chiynita
Does that make sense??
Yes, I think that what you're saying makes a LOT of sense. Your attitude toward using has changed (or shifted if you prefer that word) because - like all of us - you are learning from each experience. Here's what I think:
Nothing stays the same or in one place for long, not our feelings, not our points of views, and certainly not us as a whole. Recovery - Life - is an ongoing, never-ending process. It's just our memories and habits that delude us into believing that we're stagnant and stuck. I think that, among other things, using drugs/drinking is a desperate attempt to freeze time. The experience of using never seems to change, it becomes familiar, and we know what to expect. The thrill is gone and it even becomes boring. But it still feels safe, static.
Sobriety is scary because it implies stepping out of that coccoon. Still there is no need to be a "hero" to BE courageous - each breath we take makes us brave because we have no idea of what will be thrown our way in a few moments, yet most of us choose to keep breathing. At the same time, addiction and relapses does not make us cowards... it's okay and natural to be scared. Yet maybe that's one of the reasons we think that relapse can be comforting. If we feel depressed, angry, scared or whatever, maybe we just turn to wards what we think will make us feel better, despite the consequences. But after the relapse, maybe we feels like we're right back where we started - I think that is an illusion though:
You learned to walk, what, 31 years ago? With all of the effort, difficulty, fear and false starts that doing so implies. You changed back then. You can still get back on your knees and crawl whenever you like, and you can ever crawl backwards. That doesn't mean that you can't get back on your feet anytime you choose and keep moving forward. It also doesn't mean that crawling won't kill you at some point because, say, by being at floor level it's impossible to see the dangers that lay ahead (how else would you explain the fact that people whisk babies into their arms as soon as they crawl too far). That's why I think that relapse is not "going back to zero" or "a step back wards", but more like falling or dropping to our knees (and I'll keep my views on some religions out of this ramble). And there is no way any of us is "stuck", maybe we are just unaware of the constant shifts, ripples and waves that envelope us.
So at any given moment, we (and everything) is changing, we are carrying ourselves towards new places, experiences and points of view. That is a fact, physics proves it, geography proves it, psychology proves it - though there is no need to be a physicist or a geographer or a psychologist to realize it's true. It WOULD be nice to be a geographer with a map and some knowledge on where it is we're going, but most of us are not that lucky. So to take on that uncharted terrain that's coming towards us, I think that we're better off on our feet.
I also think that it would be even better if we had some sort of faith to guide us, something or somebody we can trust along the way. We *all* need to reach out for help (and I'm not only talking recovery here) because I think that fear of change is an understandable part of our nature. A lot of people believe that human beings are the only species born thoroughly premature - if a human cub is left completely alone right after birth, it *will* die. So we all need a helping hand to guide us from the start and, as we find our footing, chances are we will still need help in one way or another right until we die; drugs and alcohol may seem helpful, but all they really do is push us back to the floor - literally so. They fool us into believing that nothing changes, that everything stays the same, when reality is, in fact, the complete opposite. I think that change is at the core of everything, and it won't stop just because we want it to. We can just hope there is a light on that will guide us through those unknown lands - a safety net.
About that map... I think there is one: being present by staying in the NOW; it's the infamous "one day at a time" idea, though the concept of "now" was not invented by AA, NA and certainly not by Oprah. By *being* present, we are able to become aware of what's changing around us and within us... so we're able to surf it. Flow with it. And use it to our advantage.
Don't freak out: did you know that, depending on traffic congestion and other circumstances, sometimes commercial airplanes waste more fuel taxiing to a runway for takeoff than on their actualy flight between LAX and San Diego? That's because planes were designed to fly and they crave the sky. So it only makes sense that some airlines are now towing their aircraft to the runway to save on fuel otherwise spent crawling around on the ground. Why waste your own fuel there when you could be flying instead?
Chi, I know that you far outsmart me, that you have much more experience and that you could flick me off like a pesky nuisance. But please, embrace change. It's happening whether you like it or not, so you might as well acknowledge it, and flow *with* it, not against it:
Last edited by Mattcake; 10-23-2008 at 10:53 AM. Reason: Conclusion: I think that using and relapsing fools us into believing that nothing changes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Makes sense to me Trish. You may have been affected more on previous relapses but that never stopped you doing it again did it?
Last time I relapsed I had none of the usual remorse and self hate, I was just bemused by the relapse....I was pi$$ed off, but no self hate.
I took action and started going to more meetings, I didn't know what else to do, not saying you should go to meetings but action is the keyword here.
I don't particularly love meetings either and I have to go by public transport, it can take most of the day just to get there and back but I had to do something! lol
Last time I relapsed I had none of the usual remorse and self hate, I was just bemused by the relapse....I was pi$$ed off, but no self hate.
I took action and started going to more meetings, I didn't know what else to do, not saying you should go to meetings but action is the keyword here.
I don't particularly love meetings either and I have to go by public transport, it can take most of the day just to get there and back but I had to do something! lol
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am a nervous flippin wreck today.
I cant sleep. I cant stop trembling. My heart is pounding. Anxiety to get out of this job is that bad. I want to cry I hate it so much.
I cant sleep. I cant stop trembling. My heart is pounding. Anxiety to get out of this job is that bad. I want to cry I hate it so much.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Trish when I get in the place you speak of I STOP!!!! I make every effort to stop what ever I am doing and just be quiet as I can, I pray and meditate. When I first started to do that it was close to impossible, but slowly I found peace within, things did quiet down... then I would calmly go over what was going on, not with frustration or anger, but in a manner of looking at it from the outside of the chaos. This allows me to see what is really up and to see if there is something I can do to change what is up, if there is I do it, if it is out of my hands, I just accept that for now all I can do is accept what is going on.
If need be go to the bathroom and sit silently in the stall for a few minutes.
If need be go to the bathroom and sit silently in the stall for a few minutes.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Ok..No rehire for the one I was stressin about from last year. I just went there and talked to her f2f. She was like I tried so hard to get you back before but they wouldnt let me. So that was a relief. Thats what was freakin me out. I was so scared to even approach her.
BUT!! Holiday Inn called while I was gone so I am just waiting for her to call back. They dont usually call you if they arent going to hire you. So I feel super wonderful right now. I need to get away from that job. I left early last night cause I felt my stress levels going up.
It feels good today.
Thanks for putting up with my whining guys.
BUT!! Holiday Inn called while I was gone so I am just waiting for her to call back. They dont usually call you if they arent going to hire you. So I feel super wonderful right now. I need to get away from that job. I left early last night cause I felt my stress levels going up.
It feels good today.
Thanks for putting up with my whining guys.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I really hope you get the job at Holiday Inn. Good for you for approaching the old job!!! I know that was hard, but you did it!
I'm going back to work tonight, and am trying to get a good attitude before I go. If it doesn't work, I'll be the one whining tomorrow
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I really hope you get the job at Holiday Inn. Good for you for approaching the old job!!! I know that was hard, but you did it!
I'm going back to work tonight, and am trying to get a good attitude before I go. If it doesn't work, I'll be the one whining tomorrow
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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