New to this ~ Could use some advice
Trying to Understand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 21
New to this ~ Could use some advice
Hi everyone,
I'm new here and have read many of your posts have have found them very interesting. Here's my situation; I reconnected with my first love from 27 years ago this past spring, he had seperated from his wife, I had just ended a relationship. We talked on the phone for about 3 months, he works and lives in Canada, I live in Seattle. I made the trip to see him in May and once we saw each other, the connection was still there, it's all very romantic. Ok, here comes the good part, he told me his divorce was in the works, it actually hadn't been filed, he told me that the past 20 years have been filled with drug use, mostly coke, but he has also used crack. I'm very naive, I know a little, but I know nothing about crack. He told me he thought there were times he was going to die, but that something saved him. He also told me that after seeing me he had made the decision that he wanted to be clean. I was and am very skeptical, (not a good thing) I asked him since he is 1200 miles away, how will I know if he's using again, he told me that he will just dissapear. Ok, for the first couple of months, his behavior was so predictalble. He works in Alberta in the oil sands, if any of you know about that, then you know it is filled with drugs of every kind. Not a great environment for someone with a drug addiction. Anyway, about 2 months ago, he started behaving differently, his routine changed, some days I wouldn't hear from him, or he would say, "I'm going to dinner and I'll call you when I get back" and I wouldn't hear from him until the next day, or "the phones were down" there is always an excuse. I confronted him about this, and asked him if he was using, he got angry with me and said that "no he wasn't and that it really bothered him that I would think that". His actions seem very addict like to me, he refuses to even talk about help, he says he is clean and he did it on his own. His divorce is now filed, but he seemed very reluctant to do it, I think he's scared of his ex-wife. He has mentioned several times about physical ailments, like his jaw locking, fatigue, chest pains, numbness, being disoriented, things like that and when I do some research, all of those are signs of drug use. I know I have sort of rambled, but I guess what I am asking for is what do I do? I love him, he has always been someone who is a free spirit, I know he loves me, but after reading "What Addicts Do" I am more convinced than ever that he's using again. He told me that if he loses me that he won't have any reason to live, I know that is just a tactic, but what I do? Do I just walk away or am I enabling his behavior in some way?
Thanks for reading this and any insight you can give me.
KM
I'm new here and have read many of your posts have have found them very interesting. Here's my situation; I reconnected with my first love from 27 years ago this past spring, he had seperated from his wife, I had just ended a relationship. We talked on the phone for about 3 months, he works and lives in Canada, I live in Seattle. I made the trip to see him in May and once we saw each other, the connection was still there, it's all very romantic. Ok, here comes the good part, he told me his divorce was in the works, it actually hadn't been filed, he told me that the past 20 years have been filled with drug use, mostly coke, but he has also used crack. I'm very naive, I know a little, but I know nothing about crack. He told me he thought there were times he was going to die, but that something saved him. He also told me that after seeing me he had made the decision that he wanted to be clean. I was and am very skeptical, (not a good thing) I asked him since he is 1200 miles away, how will I know if he's using again, he told me that he will just dissapear. Ok, for the first couple of months, his behavior was so predictalble. He works in Alberta in the oil sands, if any of you know about that, then you know it is filled with drugs of every kind. Not a great environment for someone with a drug addiction. Anyway, about 2 months ago, he started behaving differently, his routine changed, some days I wouldn't hear from him, or he would say, "I'm going to dinner and I'll call you when I get back" and I wouldn't hear from him until the next day, or "the phones were down" there is always an excuse. I confronted him about this, and asked him if he was using, he got angry with me and said that "no he wasn't and that it really bothered him that I would think that". His actions seem very addict like to me, he refuses to even talk about help, he says he is clean and he did it on his own. His divorce is now filed, but he seemed very reluctant to do it, I think he's scared of his ex-wife. He has mentioned several times about physical ailments, like his jaw locking, fatigue, chest pains, numbness, being disoriented, things like that and when I do some research, all of those are signs of drug use. I know I have sort of rambled, but I guess what I am asking for is what do I do? I love him, he has always been someone who is a free spirit, I know he loves me, but after reading "What Addicts Do" I am more convinced than ever that he's using again. He told me that if he loses me that he won't have any reason to live, I know that is just a tactic, but what I do? Do I just walk away or am I enabling his behavior in some way?
Thanks for reading this and any insight you can give me.
KM
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Welcome to SR - glad you found us. Whether or not you stay with him has to be your choice, but I'd like to say this: trust your instincts -and I don't only mean in regards to whether or not he's using, I also mean that you should listen to your own feelings on what is and isn't acceptable in your life. Remember, you can't change, control, or cure him.
Some people do find recovery and stay clean. But actions speak louder than words and if his actions aren't showing he wants to stay clean, chances are it will be a long and rocky road for him. If you stay with him, that road will be yours too.
Again, it is your decision to make, but I wish I had thought about things like this before I married my AH. I also wish I had found SR and alanon a long time ago.
Take some time for yourself to think about what you want and need in a healthy loving relationship. Best wishes.....
Some people do find recovery and stay clean. But actions speak louder than words and if his actions aren't showing he wants to stay clean, chances are it will be a long and rocky road for him. If you stay with him, that road will be yours too.
Again, it is your decision to make, but I wish I had thought about things like this before I married my AH. I also wish I had found SR and alanon a long time ago.
Take some time for yourself to think about what you want and need in a healthy loving relationship. Best wishes.....
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I don't want to sound Harsh....
BUT RUN!!!!!
There are red flags all over this one..
He is still legally married.. (you really don't want to be involved in the middle of that)
From what you described he is still using...
If you chose to stay I would make no commitments to this man until he SHOWED me that he was clean and working a program and even then I would wait until he has at least a year of sobriety before getting involved.
"what addicts do" is a perfect example of what your life will be like right now if you get involved with this man..
I hope you will read some posts on here and see what life with a drug addict is really like..
Again, I in no way mean to sound harsh.. if I can prevent just one person from making the mistake that I did I will feel like something positve has come out of my situation.
BUT RUN!!!!!
There are red flags all over this one..
He is still legally married.. (you really don't want to be involved in the middle of that)
From what you described he is still using...
If you chose to stay I would make no commitments to this man until he SHOWED me that he was clean and working a program and even then I would wait until he has at least a year of sobriety before getting involved.
"what addicts do" is a perfect example of what your life will be like right now if you get involved with this man..
I hope you will read some posts on here and see what life with a drug addict is really like..
Again, I in no way mean to sound harsh.. if I can prevent just one person from making the mistake that I did I will feel like something positve has come out of my situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I, too, see "red flags" in your post, and I'm a recovering crack addict.
Most A's (addicts) will get very defensive when questioned about their behavior, even though he had TOLD you that "disappearing" was a sign that he was using.
As was said above, whether you stay with him or leave him is your choice. I would recommend going to an al-anon or nar-anon meetings. SR is WONDERFUL but it also helps to have f2f support because an A will have you questioning your own sanity.
I'd also recommend going with your gut. When we get that feeling that "something just isn't right" we are usually correct. Even if he isn't using, his behaviors are those of a "dry addict"...someone who is clean, but still has addict behavior.
I'm glad you're here, but sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. You will find lots of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here from people who know what you're going through.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I, too, see "red flags" in your post, and I'm a recovering crack addict.
Most A's (addicts) will get very defensive when questioned about their behavior, even though he had TOLD you that "disappearing" was a sign that he was using.
As was said above, whether you stay with him or leave him is your choice. I would recommend going to an al-anon or nar-anon meetings. SR is WONDERFUL but it also helps to have f2f support because an A will have you questioning your own sanity.
I'd also recommend going with your gut. When we get that feeling that "something just isn't right" we are usually correct. Even if he isn't using, his behaviors are those of a "dry addict"...someone who is clean, but still has addict behavior.
I'm glad you're here, but sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. You will find lots of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here from people who know what you're going through.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it sounds as if you have started your recovery. welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here. loving an addict is asking for the hard road of life. he is 1200 miles away, he can & will do whatever he wants to. it really does not matter if he was next door, there is nothing you can do or say to make him not use. he is an addict & until he decides he is not going to use he is going to do it. i agree, i would run for the hills. he is not the guy u knew 27yrs. ago. you deserve better. get him out of your life now. this is your choice. we can only warn you there is no life with an addict but pain. keep coming back,we care.prayers for you both.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
robin,
Hugs, and Welcome to Sober recovery.
No one can tell you whether to stay with this relationship, or move on...that is your choice.
My suggestion would be to educate yourself about drug addiction, and also to start working on you. Alanon has saved my sanity. It's a wonderful program, with wonderful, caring people.
Hugs....
Hugs, and Welcome to Sober recovery.
No one can tell you whether to stay with this relationship, or move on...that is your choice.
My suggestion would be to educate yourself about drug addiction, and also to start working on you. Alanon has saved my sanity. It's a wonderful program, with wonderful, caring people.
Hugs....
Trying to Understand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 21
Everyone, really nothing could be more harsh than what I have been experiencing, so I really appreciate all of your advice, I am thinking of attending a Nar-Anon meeting this Saturday, so we will see. I just talked to his best friend, who knows him better than anyone, seen the worst he has been, he told me that "he's the best I've seen him in years, I know he loves you, he's working on getting everything together, just being away from everyone is hard, he gets depressed, try not to take it personally". I don't want to give up on him, but realize I can't make him want to be sober, he has to want it, I have started to notice traits about myself I never realized, wanting to control things, so that it's easier for him, which makes me an enabler! This is going to be much harder than I ever imagined, I am so glad I found this site, I was feeling very alone, drugs have never been an issue in my life or anyone I know ~ at least that is the impression I get, I could be totally wrong. But anyway, I am learning more by the day and feeling better about myself. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Welcome brftrobin,
If you were my sister I would tell you, hold on to the wonderful memories of your first love of 27 years ago but run as fast as you can away from the man he has become today.
First loves and dreams of being together, it was meant to be, it’s very romantic, it’s a nice fantasy to dream about but most often then not a night mare to live.
This man is not the man you knew 27 years ago and he will never become the man you hope him to be.
Please don’t take any responsibility for his addiction, he’s had it 20 years and handles it just fine. You are not enabling him, he enables himself.
Please keep posting…
If you were my sister I would tell you, hold on to the wonderful memories of your first love of 27 years ago but run as fast as you can away from the man he has become today.
First loves and dreams of being together, it was meant to be, it’s very romantic, it’s a nice fantasy to dream about but most often then not a night mare to live.
This man is not the man you knew 27 years ago and he will never become the man you hope him to be.
Please don’t take any responsibility for his addiction, he’s had it 20 years and handles it just fine. You are not enabling him, he enables himself.
Please keep posting…
Trying to Understand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 21
Ok, he called a little while ago, and told me that the reason I hadn't heard from him a two days was because, I don't realize how depressing it is for him to talk to me. I asked him why it was depressing, he said "because your so far away". He's not using, but he has been drinking. Is he just trying to hurt me? Because if that's the case, then he's doing a great job. No one has ever told me I'm depressing to talk to!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome to SR brftrobin,
Like the others have said "Red Flags". In just such a short while of seeing him again, just look at how many doubts you are having about him....that is only the beginning. I live in Canada and know very well about the drugs in the oil fields, money is big and the drugs are flying.
Rose
Like the others have said "Red Flags". In just such a short while of seeing him again, just look at how many doubts you are having about him....that is only the beginning. I live in Canada and know very well about the drugs in the oil fields, money is big and the drugs are flying.
Rose
Trying to Understand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 21
Rose,
The drug situation there is just awful, I have heard stories from other people and it is the worst place for anyone with an addiction problem! Yes the red flags are many, and we should still be in the "honeymoon stage". I have cried way too many tears this early in the game. I knew he was emotional high maintenace, but I don't think I had any idea what level it was.
I know this isn't my fault, I know I can't fix him, so walking away is probably the only thing I can do to save myself from more hurt. That is so easy to say ~ not so easy to do!
Thanks,
KM
The drug situation there is just awful, I have heard stories from other people and it is the worst place for anyone with an addiction problem! Yes the red flags are many, and we should still be in the "honeymoon stage". I have cried way too many tears this early in the game. I knew he was emotional high maintenace, but I don't think I had any idea what level it was.
I know this isn't my fault, I know I can't fix him, so walking away is probably the only thing I can do to save myself from more hurt. That is so easy to say ~ not so easy to do!
Thanks,
KM
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((robin)))))
Do you ever wonder why he is getting divorced? Maybe it is because of his addiction??? I think I would want to know what caused the break up.
If you were going to hire someone to do a job would you check their references? I think I would want to know about someones past relationships from the other persons point of view not his. Can he provide any references? The best predictor of future behavior is by past behavior.
His friend who says he has really changed may also be an addict.
Another thing is he seems to be trying to blame you for his depression....I don't think so.
Believe your gut!!!!
Do you ever wonder why he is getting divorced? Maybe it is because of his addiction??? I think I would want to know what caused the break up.
If you were going to hire someone to do a job would you check their references? I think I would want to know about someones past relationships from the other persons point of view not his. Can he provide any references? The best predictor of future behavior is by past behavior.
His friend who says he has really changed may also be an addict.
Another thing is he seems to be trying to blame you for his depression....I don't think so.
Believe your gut!!!!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I am sorry you are going through this. How often do u see him? Does he live in Canada? Is his family in Canada? Of course breaking up with someone is never easy but staying in this relationship may be harder in the long run if its bringing you this much grief.
This is a really good place to be when you are dealing with a loved one who is addicted.
Keep coming back,
Diane
This is a really good place to be when you are dealing with a loved one who is addicted.
Keep coming back,
Diane
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
You say he has been drinking? When your an addict thats just as bad as picking up the crack pipe or swallowing a pill. A drug is a drug is a drug and if he was serious about his recovery he would not be drinking at all.
Go with your gut... mine is never wrong.
You are not alone.. all of us on here have experianced your story one way or the other
Go with your gut... mine is never wrong.
You are not alone.. all of us on here have experianced your story one way or the other
Trying to Understand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 21
Splendra, the reason for his divorce ~ he got married because she was pregnant, they stayed together but separated many times, she is abusive, has physically beat him up, broke his jaw. I have seen her and have heard from his father and friends that she was a very abusive person. They simply should not have been together, do I think he was a saint ~ absolutely NOT! I realize there are always 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth! I do know that drugs were a part of THEIR life together, both very codependent on each other ~ not healthy!
His friend, I know him and his wife have spent quite a bit of time with them, neither of them are addicts, I do know that much. They both have urged him to leave his wife, and get help. Both of them have told me that he is the best he has ever been, doesn't owe everybody money, is excelling at this job, seems to be getting his life in order! I talked with his friend yesterday, and he told me again, how much he loves me and knows he is not using, it's his depression, being so far away from everyone is really hard on him. I agree with you, he seems to be trying to blame me for his depression, told me it was depressing to talk to me ~ I am anything but depressing, although I find myself crying more now than I have in a very long time.
rozied ~ I see him every two weeks, he works two weeks on, one week off. We spend the week together, everything is wonderful then he goes back to camp and he just is distant, and I don't mean physically. He is from the states, but he married a Canadian and they moved there, so he has lived there for about 20 years. His family is from the states, his kids are 19 and 17, and they live in BC. He has always been someone who would rather just not deal with something if it's going to cause any confrontation or pain, and getting his divorce has been something he and his friends say he desperately wants and needs, his wife is very abusive, I have heard that from friends of his who have actually seen her assault him. So I do believe that part. As anyone who knows, whether you want an divorce or not, it is painful, the realization that you failed at something is a hard pill to swallow, no matter how much you want it. I know that from experience, the day I filed for my divorce was the happiest day of my life, the day my divorce was final, I had so many emotions so many good but many were extremely sad, so I understand that conflict he is feeling ~ to some degree.
jerect ~ I agree absolutely! If that is the case, he is just using alcohol to drown out the pain, and that isn't helping anything.
I just am so tired of being sad and worried about something I have absolutely no control over, I have cried myself to sleep so many nights, I honestly have had the feeling that maybe I'm just not enough, and if I was this wouldn't be happening, but then I stop and realize, his addiction and issues are not mine. I can not cure him ~ I can't fix it! It is up to him to want to.
Thank you all for your words ~ they are very comforting!
KM
His friend, I know him and his wife have spent quite a bit of time with them, neither of them are addicts, I do know that much. They both have urged him to leave his wife, and get help. Both of them have told me that he is the best he has ever been, doesn't owe everybody money, is excelling at this job, seems to be getting his life in order! I talked with his friend yesterday, and he told me again, how much he loves me and knows he is not using, it's his depression, being so far away from everyone is really hard on him. I agree with you, he seems to be trying to blame me for his depression, told me it was depressing to talk to me ~ I am anything but depressing, although I find myself crying more now than I have in a very long time.
rozied ~ I see him every two weeks, he works two weeks on, one week off. We spend the week together, everything is wonderful then he goes back to camp and he just is distant, and I don't mean physically. He is from the states, but he married a Canadian and they moved there, so he has lived there for about 20 years. His family is from the states, his kids are 19 and 17, and they live in BC. He has always been someone who would rather just not deal with something if it's going to cause any confrontation or pain, and getting his divorce has been something he and his friends say he desperately wants and needs, his wife is very abusive, I have heard that from friends of his who have actually seen her assault him. So I do believe that part. As anyone who knows, whether you want an divorce or not, it is painful, the realization that you failed at something is a hard pill to swallow, no matter how much you want it. I know that from experience, the day I filed for my divorce was the happiest day of my life, the day my divorce was final, I had so many emotions so many good but many were extremely sad, so I understand that conflict he is feeling ~ to some degree.
jerect ~ I agree absolutely! If that is the case, he is just using alcohol to drown out the pain, and that isn't helping anything.
I just am so tired of being sad and worried about something I have absolutely no control over, I have cried myself to sleep so many nights, I honestly have had the feeling that maybe I'm just not enough, and if I was this wouldn't be happening, but then I stop and realize, his addiction and issues are not mine. I can not cure him ~ I can't fix it! It is up to him to want to.
Thank you all for your words ~ they are very comforting!
KM
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((Robin)))))))
I do know that people who have lived in addiction tend to repeat patterns. Knowing what I know now I would be very hesitant to be in a relationship with someone who has so little clean time and so much using time.
I know that often times I feel so much anger building up over my H using dope. I want to hit him for sure. Once I pushed him off the front porch when he was high. It really makes me angry when he stays out all night spending his whole pay check too. I am not saying it is right to be violent but living with an addict can push any sane person to do things they would not do under normal situations. Even though I am a small woman I know I am stronger than my H so I have to be careful not to let my anger boil over.
Another person cannot make someone stay clean.
When I met my H it was very romanic I bolded the manic part cause like the manic stage of being bi-polar and it is not real. Addicts create drama it seems like some of them just are not happy with having a normal healthy life it is boring to be clean, pay bills on time, and eat and sleep at regular hours. So they create drama by being depressed, blaming others for their misfortune, laying out all night and spending all the household money,pawning valuables,making family gatherings specialties, starting arguments so they have an excuse to use and, ect, ect....
Check his references do a background check on him and do a retail credit check on him and see what is said in black and white and then fill in the colors.
You are already unhappy how do you think you would feel after several years of this stuff? We codies seem to have an almost undying hope that things will get better but, they almost never do until we learn to take the focus off of them and keep it on ourselves.
I do know that people who have lived in addiction tend to repeat patterns. Knowing what I know now I would be very hesitant to be in a relationship with someone who has so little clean time and so much using time.
I know that often times I feel so much anger building up over my H using dope. I want to hit him for sure. Once I pushed him off the front porch when he was high. It really makes me angry when he stays out all night spending his whole pay check too. I am not saying it is right to be violent but living with an addict can push any sane person to do things they would not do under normal situations. Even though I am a small woman I know I am stronger than my H so I have to be careful not to let my anger boil over.
Another person cannot make someone stay clean.
When I met my H it was very romanic I bolded the manic part cause like the manic stage of being bi-polar and it is not real. Addicts create drama it seems like some of them just are not happy with having a normal healthy life it is boring to be clean, pay bills on time, and eat and sleep at regular hours. So they create drama by being depressed, blaming others for their misfortune, laying out all night and spending all the household money,pawning valuables,making family gatherings specialties, starting arguments so they have an excuse to use and, ect, ect....
Check his references do a background check on him and do a retail credit check on him and see what is said in black and white and then fill in the colors.
You are already unhappy how do you think you would feel after several years of this stuff? We codies seem to have an almost undying hope that things will get better but, they almost never do until we learn to take the focus off of them and keep it on ourselves.
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