Insight Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 24
Insight Please
I apologize in advance for this long message, but I have questions that I’m not sure of the answer.
My Background – I have quit drinking due to the fact that I scared myself with my actions and I’m grateful to not have hurt others or myself. I stopped in April and have realized that no one should ever nor will ever again have to/need to take care of my when I’m drinking and once I changed my lifestyle and thought process, I found I am just fine without it. Mind you – this did not happen overnight and I still struggle with the social stigmas – but that’s a different post. I’ve been seeing a substance abuse counselor and she’s wonderful, but our last session left me with more questions than answers. We talked about co-dependency (in general - not identifying me as one) and my research led me to ACOA.
Family Background – my father is a ‘functioning’ alcoholic and has always been; I’ve never known him not to drink. He and my mother divorced when I was a year and my step-father and mother married when I was 4. My parents are my mother and step-father, wonderful people who do not drink. My mother’s mother died of cirrhosis when she was 10 and she started to drink because my grandfather didn’t like to drink alone. My grandfather died sober, I never knew him drunk, he’d sobered up by the time I came around (thankfully). My grandparents apparently were not mean drunks, just drunks – never abusive to my mom and her sisters, just out of hand, I guess. My father was never a mean drunk to me, nor did he have to punish me or reprimand me or get angry at me. I know his temper, but it was never directed to me. My brother is 6 yrs older than me and moved out of my parent’s house to live with my father when he was 13-14ish. So, I can see how he was affected – he was also more affected by the divorce than I was because of his age.
Here’s where I’m confused – I can see the traits of an ACOA in him and my mother, but when I evaluated myself I see about 9 of 13 in me. I know ACOA(D) can skip a generation because of my mother’s behavior, etc, but truly, I grew up in a very stable non-rigid-no-secrets-household. I was fortunate my parents were a ‘buffer’ between my dad and me, but I don’t know how I’ve acquired these defense mechanisms when I’ve not had to utilize them. Or is this just a coincidence that these traits are similar and I'm reading too much into this? I’m very aware of how my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s parent’s alcoholism has affected me but I don’t know where I’ve been affected to need self-preservation.
Does that make sense? Any insight/advice/thoughts are appreciated! These boards have been a lifesaver!!
My Background – I have quit drinking due to the fact that I scared myself with my actions and I’m grateful to not have hurt others or myself. I stopped in April and have realized that no one should ever nor will ever again have to/need to take care of my when I’m drinking and once I changed my lifestyle and thought process, I found I am just fine without it. Mind you – this did not happen overnight and I still struggle with the social stigmas – but that’s a different post. I’ve been seeing a substance abuse counselor and she’s wonderful, but our last session left me with more questions than answers. We talked about co-dependency (in general - not identifying me as one) and my research led me to ACOA.
Family Background – my father is a ‘functioning’ alcoholic and has always been; I’ve never known him not to drink. He and my mother divorced when I was a year and my step-father and mother married when I was 4. My parents are my mother and step-father, wonderful people who do not drink. My mother’s mother died of cirrhosis when she was 10 and she started to drink because my grandfather didn’t like to drink alone. My grandfather died sober, I never knew him drunk, he’d sobered up by the time I came around (thankfully). My grandparents apparently were not mean drunks, just drunks – never abusive to my mom and her sisters, just out of hand, I guess. My father was never a mean drunk to me, nor did he have to punish me or reprimand me or get angry at me. I know his temper, but it was never directed to me. My brother is 6 yrs older than me and moved out of my parent’s house to live with my father when he was 13-14ish. So, I can see how he was affected – he was also more affected by the divorce than I was because of his age.
Here’s where I’m confused – I can see the traits of an ACOA in him and my mother, but when I evaluated myself I see about 9 of 13 in me. I know ACOA(D) can skip a generation because of my mother’s behavior, etc, but truly, I grew up in a very stable non-rigid-no-secrets-household. I was fortunate my parents were a ‘buffer’ between my dad and me, but I don’t know how I’ve acquired these defense mechanisms when I’ve not had to utilize them. Or is this just a coincidence that these traits are similar and I'm reading too much into this? I’m very aware of how my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s parent’s alcoholism has affected me but I don’t know where I’ve been affected to need self-preservation.
Does that make sense? Any insight/advice/thoughts are appreciated! These boards have been a lifesaver!!
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
If you mom is an adult chiled of an alcoholic then she has certin traits Your brother too and you most likely learned by example. Your brother reacts to your dad in a certin way, or acts out and you learn to do that too. You may have picked this up when you were small.
Going back to the CODA thing, Do you think you are co-dependent? I am an alcoholic in recovory, a co-dependent and an adult child of an alcoholic. I have my alcohol under controle and I have a clear understanding of my ACOA issues and am working hard to no longer be co-dependent.
I hope I helped.
D
Going back to the CODA thing, Do you think you are co-dependent? I am an alcoholic in recovory, a co-dependent and an adult child of an alcoholic. I have my alcohol under controle and I have a clear understanding of my ACOA issues and am working hard to no longer be co-dependent.
I hope I helped.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 24
Thank you for your response, it does definitley provoke thought! I forget how kids are such sponges, so I guess I soaked it up without realizing it. Again - I knew I was affected by it, just thought I knew everything - guess not!
Co-dependency is intersting to me - my counselor told me I might have tendancies in regards to my friends when they drink - I don't not want them to have a good time on the account of me not drinking. NOt sure if that makes sense - but I don't want others to feel/be different around me - it's not their fault I can't/don't drink. Anyway - it's hard for me to grasp that I am a COD - maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't know how I can be regarding my father - I never enabled (I didn't dissaude either), I don't take on that it's my fault and I'm not around people/relationships where this could/would come up. Maybe I am missing something because it's hard for me to grasp.
Co-dependency is intersting to me - my counselor told me I might have tendancies in regards to my friends when they drink - I don't not want them to have a good time on the account of me not drinking. NOt sure if that makes sense - but I don't want others to feel/be different around me - it's not their fault I can't/don't drink. Anyway - it's hard for me to grasp that I am a COD - maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't know how I can be regarding my father - I never enabled (I didn't dissaude either), I don't take on that it's my fault and I'm not around people/relationships where this could/would come up. Maybe I am missing something because it's hard for me to grasp.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Beach,
Welcome to the club here
There was recently a post similar to yours on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics board...I'll see if I can find it and cross-post it here. In that situation, the habits that a non-drinking mom had picked up from her parents (all the usual ACoA traits) were habits that affected the poster as she grew up, even though there was no alcoholic in the house. The way of living continued, taught from mother to daughter.
More important than how to label yourself might be this: What specific traits and behaviors of yours are you dissatisfied with, and want to learn to do differently/better? What kinds of messages did you get when you were growing up about the repercussions (or lack thereof) of self-medicating for life's unhappinesses? What baggage are you most unhappy with - so unhappy that you're willing to do some serious homework to un-do? I'd be interested in that, because while an ACoA label might be tidy, it doesn't address the real nuts and bolts of things too well.
What's your life like?
Welcome to the club here
There was recently a post similar to yours on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics board...I'll see if I can find it and cross-post it here. In that situation, the habits that a non-drinking mom had picked up from her parents (all the usual ACoA traits) were habits that affected the poster as she grew up, even though there was no alcoholic in the house. The way of living continued, taught from mother to daughter.
More important than how to label yourself might be this: What specific traits and behaviors of yours are you dissatisfied with, and want to learn to do differently/better? What kinds of messages did you get when you were growing up about the repercussions (or lack thereof) of self-medicating for life's unhappinesses? What baggage are you most unhappy with - so unhappy that you're willing to do some serious homework to un-do? I'd be interested in that, because while an ACoA label might be tidy, it doesn't address the real nuts and bolts of things too well.
What's your life like?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 24
Lots of simple questions to make me think, thank you. I guess I should clarify, I don't mean to portray a 'poor me' attitude by any means and I'm not seeking to place 'blame' on issues that I may have or find a label or excuse - just looking for information. I am so fortunate to have wonderful parents that were able to buffer and shelter me from the situations that could have been extremely traumtic; I hear first hand from both of them what their lives were like and it's awful and I know it's not the whole picture. Reading these posts and reading information on ACoA just makes me more grateful but so, so sad and so angry for my mother (her alcoholic parents) as well as my alcoholic father (his father).
So to go back to your question - regardless of how I acquired these traits (from mom or father), there are definitely traits that can use polishing, and I guess becoming aware of certain traits (positive and negative) only opens the door for tweaking. So what I'd like to fix - maybe becoming less of a control freak and learning to trust people or assuming that there's always an underlying factor to someone's kindness. I think my biggest issue is learning how to understand that I can't fix everything and then when things don't work right or perfect, it's not necessarily something that I can control. I am learning, it's hard to let go of things and NOT feel as though I'm a quitter or giving up. The trust people thing - I guess I'm skeptical of kindness because I've witnessed empty promises from those I had trusted - from simple to complex promises.
Answer to other questions - I guess with my alcoholic father I didn't realize he was self-medicating (I'm assuming this) because I didn't know about his childhood until my 20s (I'm 34) and didn't understnad the domino effect. My mother was the opposite and was terrified of alcohol because she thought she would become one like her parents instantly, so self-medicating at home was not an option - you didn't.
My 'information' gathering has forced me to remember childhood situations - not necessarily bad, just remembering occasions when my relationship or understanding of alcohol developed - talking with my aunts about their parent's behavior (not with my mom - it wasn't unapproachable, but just easier with her sisters), realizing how bad alcohol can be with me and with others; when my dad and step-mom had parties (all the time), and how great my mother's dad was to me then learning he was not always like that - just little stuff that makes me look at things differently as I get older.
Wow - didn't mean to make this so long - let me know where to send the bill
So to go back to your question - regardless of how I acquired these traits (from mom or father), there are definitely traits that can use polishing, and I guess becoming aware of certain traits (positive and negative) only opens the door for tweaking. So what I'd like to fix - maybe becoming less of a control freak and learning to trust people or assuming that there's always an underlying factor to someone's kindness. I think my biggest issue is learning how to understand that I can't fix everything and then when things don't work right or perfect, it's not necessarily something that I can control. I am learning, it's hard to let go of things and NOT feel as though I'm a quitter or giving up. The trust people thing - I guess I'm skeptical of kindness because I've witnessed empty promises from those I had trusted - from simple to complex promises.
Answer to other questions - I guess with my alcoholic father I didn't realize he was self-medicating (I'm assuming this) because I didn't know about his childhood until my 20s (I'm 34) and didn't understnad the domino effect. My mother was the opposite and was terrified of alcohol because she thought she would become one like her parents instantly, so self-medicating at home was not an option - you didn't.
My 'information' gathering has forced me to remember childhood situations - not necessarily bad, just remembering occasions when my relationship or understanding of alcohol developed - talking with my aunts about their parent's behavior (not with my mom - it wasn't unapproachable, but just easier with her sisters), realizing how bad alcohol can be with me and with others; when my dad and step-mom had parties (all the time), and how great my mother's dad was to me then learning he was not always like that - just little stuff that makes me look at things differently as I get older.
Wow - didn't mean to make this so long - let me know where to send the bill
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hi beach101,
I and my 3 siblings grew up with an alcoholic mother and father, and I have seen the problems passed on in my brother's family. He can be passive-agressive and tend to try and please everyone. This may have helped one of his children turn from a loving hard working pre-teen to a angry rebellious flunking-out-of-school teenager. (other factors are involved but I won't get into that). Parents tend to raise children in the way they were raised. Even if parents read lots of books, take classes, get the right pre-school friends, ect. it is difficult clear out all of the childhood baggage that lingers under the consciousness. Kids are sponges and they instinctively mimic their parent's behavior.
What you say here matches my challenges. I feel like a failure if everything does not go as it should. Distrust and skepticism - me too, oh yeah! I am skeptical of myself more than others.
As GL said, you have to envision a better future for yourself. You are ahead of the curve as you have good insight to your difficulties and challenges. It has taken me yeeeeaaaarrrssss to get to that degree of awareness.
Thank you for the great post.
I and my 3 siblings grew up with an alcoholic mother and father, and I have seen the problems passed on in my brother's family. He can be passive-agressive and tend to try and please everyone. This may have helped one of his children turn from a loving hard working pre-teen to a angry rebellious flunking-out-of-school teenager. (other factors are involved but I won't get into that). Parents tend to raise children in the way they were raised. Even if parents read lots of books, take classes, get the right pre-school friends, ect. it is difficult clear out all of the childhood baggage that lingers under the consciousness. Kids are sponges and they instinctively mimic their parent's behavior.
Originally Posted by beach101 
So what I'd like to fix - maybe becoming less of a control freak and learning to trust people or assuming that there's always an underlying factor to someone's kindness. I think my biggest issue is learning how to understand that I can't fix everything and then when things don't work right or perfect, it's not necessarily something that I can control. I am learning, it's hard to let go of things and NOT feel as though I'm a quitter or giving up. The trust people thing - I guess I'm skeptical of kindness because I've witnessed empty promises from those I had trusted - from simple to complex promises.
As GL said, you have to envision a better future for yourself. You are ahead of the curve as you have good insight to your difficulties and challenges. It has taken me yeeeeaaaarrrssss to get to that degree of awareness.
Thank you for the great post.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What a wonderful journey of self-discovery you're on, beach.
I'm still working on many of the same things. I has been easier for me to work on one thing at a time - like JUST detachment from outcomes (a huge one), letting go of the must-fix-it obsession, or trying to "trust," though I've got that one pretty under control now. I understand perfectly trying to know everything you can, so that you have a good toolkit to work with. Bravo you!
All of the things you mention, I share as well. And our backgrounds were quite different. Keep chipping away at them, one thing at a time. I look at it as sculpting myself into the person I'd really rather be......you don't lop off huge chunks at a time, what's better is just shaping, shaping, shaping.
Glad you're here
GL
I'm still working on many of the same things. I has been easier for me to work on one thing at a time - like JUST detachment from outcomes (a huge one), letting go of the must-fix-it obsession, or trying to "trust," though I've got that one pretty under control now. I understand perfectly trying to know everything you can, so that you have a good toolkit to work with. Bravo you!
All of the things you mention, I share as well. And our backgrounds were quite different. Keep chipping away at them, one thing at a time. I look at it as sculpting myself into the person I'd really rather be......you don't lop off huge chunks at a time, what's better is just shaping, shaping, shaping.
Glad you're here
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 24
Thanks so much everyone for sharing. Definitely a long road to self-discovery!
There's lots I have to work on and I always thought that being 'aware' is equal to 'fix' but that's not the case. Being skeptical of others is very hard for me becasue it developed other not-so-positive habits. Lying (little, stupid, pointless lies) - I mastered this when drinking and feeling hungover (my drinking history is binge drinking) and it was just easier to make an excuse not to do something in which I had committed myself. This also spilled over to my sober world in that I would over-committ myself (the stay-busy factor) and then overwhelm myself, and simple 'schedule mixups' or have to take my aunt to the airport or grandma fell again, was just easier than telling the truth as to not hurt anyone's feelings. So now, I believe this has developed from my brother (he's 6 yrs older than me) and he will make up crazy stories and excuses (he's in the military and told my mom that he was being sent to Kosovo for Christmas so she wouldn't get upset that he wasn't coming home for Christmas - seriously???) that you can't believe (at least I can't). So I grew to see how easy it was for him, and how easy it is for me so I just assume that is easy for other people hence when they tell me they had a flat on way to work, I tend not to believe them unless I see proof (I don't ask - but you get my point). I've done better about this - trying not to overcommitt and learning to say no reduces the need for me to back out of stuff (which I really want to do at the time I agree).
So 8 more fixes to go! Just kidding, but this section of SR is really eye opening and beneficial. The strength and wisodm of ACoA is amazing to me, thank you!
There's lots I have to work on and I always thought that being 'aware' is equal to 'fix' but that's not the case. Being skeptical of others is very hard for me becasue it developed other not-so-positive habits. Lying (little, stupid, pointless lies) - I mastered this when drinking and feeling hungover (my drinking history is binge drinking) and it was just easier to make an excuse not to do something in which I had committed myself. This also spilled over to my sober world in that I would over-committ myself (the stay-busy factor) and then overwhelm myself, and simple 'schedule mixups' or have to take my aunt to the airport or grandma fell again, was just easier than telling the truth as to not hurt anyone's feelings. So now, I believe this has developed from my brother (he's 6 yrs older than me) and he will make up crazy stories and excuses (he's in the military and told my mom that he was being sent to Kosovo for Christmas so she wouldn't get upset that he wasn't coming home for Christmas - seriously???) that you can't believe (at least I can't). So I grew to see how easy it was for him, and how easy it is for me so I just assume that is easy for other people hence when they tell me they had a flat on way to work, I tend not to believe them unless I see proof (I don't ask - but you get my point). I've done better about this - trying not to overcommitt and learning to say no reduces the need for me to back out of stuff (which I really want to do at the time I agree).
So 8 more fixes to go! Just kidding, but this section of SR is really eye opening and beneficial. The strength and wisodm of ACoA is amazing to me, thank you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
