I could really use some prayers, ladies and gents...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I could really use some prayers, ladies and gents...
I don't reach out for help often, but today's the day to do so.
Last year at this time I became so depressed that I was entertaining thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. Drinking/drugging was not an option as I had been clean/sober 17 years at the time, and it still is not an option a year later.
I went back to the mental health facility where I had turned to before and started some counseling. I am still attending counseling there as well as 3 month check-ins with the psychiatrist on my two medications (Cymbalta and Mirtazapine).
I am active in my recovery, 2-3 meetings a week, I am currently working on an amends. I talk to my sponsor on a regular basis. My youngest AD has some pretty heavy stuff going on right now, but she's doing really well communicating with me, and she's handling it better than I expected.
My mother quit communicating with me two months ago. She and my dad went into toxic mode once the youngest AD totalled her car and I had to hand the Nissan over to her for work (Dad paid for the car-strings attached). This has been an ongoing pattern for years, so no big deal there. We can have 2-3 years of getting along well, and kaboom.
I am feeling that deep depression starting to sink in again, and I do not want to go back to where I was this time last year!
I don't know what else I can do at this time to help. I am taking 5 college classes online, and I am pleasantly surprised at making A's and B's and I am thoroughly enjoying it. It keeps my mind stimulated.
I don't know where the depression is coming from. I just know I don't want to slide all the way back down, and if you could think a good thought or two, it would be so appreciated from this old gal in Kansas.
Last year at this time I became so depressed that I was entertaining thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. Drinking/drugging was not an option as I had been clean/sober 17 years at the time, and it still is not an option a year later.
I went back to the mental health facility where I had turned to before and started some counseling. I am still attending counseling there as well as 3 month check-ins with the psychiatrist on my two medications (Cymbalta and Mirtazapine).
I am active in my recovery, 2-3 meetings a week, I am currently working on an amends. I talk to my sponsor on a regular basis. My youngest AD has some pretty heavy stuff going on right now, but she's doing really well communicating with me, and she's handling it better than I expected.
My mother quit communicating with me two months ago. She and my dad went into toxic mode once the youngest AD totalled her car and I had to hand the Nissan over to her for work (Dad paid for the car-strings attached). This has been an ongoing pattern for years, so no big deal there. We can have 2-3 years of getting along well, and kaboom.
I am feeling that deep depression starting to sink in again, and I do not want to go back to where I was this time last year!
I don't know what else I can do at this time to help. I am taking 5 college classes online, and I am pleasantly surprised at making A's and B's and I am thoroughly enjoying it. It keeps my mind stimulated.
I don't know where the depression is coming from. I just know I don't want to slide all the way back down, and if you could think a good thought or two, it would be so appreciated from this old gal in Kansas.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Freedom)))
you know what pops up for me after reading your post....all the stuff on your plate and parents going into a toxic mode, might be the proverbial straw that is bringing on stress that you aren't addressing and that is causing anger that is manifesting as depression? could be way off, I don't know...
but..you are in my prayers, big hugs, keep us posted, Grateful
you know what pops up for me after reading your post....all the stuff on your plate and parents going into a toxic mode, might be the proverbial straw that is bringing on stress that you aren't addressing and that is causing anger that is manifesting as depression? could be way off, I don't know...
but..you are in my prayers, big hugs, keep us posted, Grateful
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((freedom)))
I hope this is just a dip and not a descent into full blown depression for you.
I know that when I get these feelings its time for me to try and do something before it gets worse - been there, done that, bought the T shirt and don't want to go back thanks!
I've been exercising - nothing too fancy - but it does help to lift my mood. I also went back to my doctor and got an increase in my anti-depressants a few months ago. And now that the shorter evenings are here, I'll need to dig out my light box for some light therapy - it really makes a difference to me!
You sound like you're dealing with a lot of stress. Be kind to yourself (sometimes easier said than done I know). :ghug3
I hope this is just a dip and not a descent into full blown depression for you.
I know that when I get these feelings its time for me to try and do something before it gets worse - been there, done that, bought the T shirt and don't want to go back thanks!
I've been exercising - nothing too fancy - but it does help to lift my mood. I also went back to my doctor and got an increase in my anti-depressants a few months ago. And now that the shorter evenings are here, I'll need to dig out my light box for some light therapy - it really makes a difference to me!
You sound like you're dealing with a lot of stress. Be kind to yourself (sometimes easier said than done I know). :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
(((Freedom)))
you know what pops up for me after reading your post....all the stuff on your plate and parents going into a toxic mode, might be the proverbial straw that is bringing on stress that you aren't addressing and that is causing anger that is manifesting as depression? could be way off, I don't know...
but..you are in my prayers, big hugs, keep us posted, Grateful
you know what pops up for me after reading your post....all the stuff on your plate and parents going into a toxic mode, might be the proverbial straw that is bringing on stress that you aren't addressing and that is causing anger that is manifesting as depression? could be way off, I don't know...
but..you are in my prayers, big hugs, keep us posted, Grateful
I've had rides to all my meetings, but other than that, I've also been really isolated physically what with not having the Nissan at my disposal and depending on the youngest AD to run my errands.
Now the Nissan's available as she found another car to finance and she picked it up a week and a half ago.
There's a huge part of me that still wants to drive that Nissan to my folks' 90 miles away, drop it off, and tell them to kiss my ass.
There's that other part of me with the degenerative disk disease who doesn't have the option of walking every where, and it will be a long 18 months through college with no transportation and still being isolated.
I feel like I've failed if I start driving the Nissan again rather than sticking to my guns on taking it back, and then there's also the concern of it being ripped out from under me again in the future, which I know is projection, and hopefully the AD won't total her latest car.
Am I in denial, am I hopeless, stay tuned tomorrow for more of As The Mind Turns!
I'm a mess!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
DeVon,
You have been through so much and it just seems like it has been one thing after another for you, with recovery, your own family, your health, jobs, finances. I am praying for you now.
Ditto about the exercising, it helps me when I can motivate myself to hop on the treadmill, that and vitamins and eating right.
(((DeVon)))
:praying
You have been through so much and it just seems like it has been one thing after another for you, with recovery, your own family, your health, jobs, finances. I am praying for you now.
Ditto about the exercising, it helps me when I can motivate myself to hop on the treadmill, that and vitamins and eating right.
(((DeVon)))
:praying
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Isolation may have brought on the depression. I, too, suffer from very ugly depressive episodes and have tried a number of meds over the years. Currently, I only take one med for an anxiety disorder.
When I became depressed, I frequently wanted to be left to myself. However, it became a vicious cycle; the more I isolated, the more depressed I became.
I have also suffered from depression just "coming on" with no particular thoughts or actions appearing to trigger it. I don't know if this is fact or fiction, but someone told me that after a period of time, a paticular antidepressant med will lose it's effectiveness.
I was on Wellbutrin for several years and I began noticing that it wasn't working as well for me. Since then, I haven't tried any other meds.
You've got a lot on your plate. Taking online courses is very demanding. I know - I'll have my bachelor's degree in May and I got it online. Whew! Feeling tired from lots of school work may be kicking in the depression too. I loved school, but when I got fatigued, I got depressed.
That's the only experience I can share with you. I hope you start feeling better soon. Depression sucks, big-time.
When I became depressed, I frequently wanted to be left to myself. However, it became a vicious cycle; the more I isolated, the more depressed I became.
I have also suffered from depression just "coming on" with no particular thoughts or actions appearing to trigger it. I don't know if this is fact or fiction, but someone told me that after a period of time, a paticular antidepressant med will lose it's effectiveness.
I was on Wellbutrin for several years and I began noticing that it wasn't working as well for me. Since then, I haven't tried any other meds.
You've got a lot on your plate. Taking online courses is very demanding. I know - I'll have my bachelor's degree in May and I got it online. Whew! Feeling tired from lots of school work may be kicking in the depression too. I loved school, but when I got fatigued, I got depressed.
That's the only experience I can share with you. I hope you start feeling better soon. Depression sucks, big-time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey DeVon,
Everything mentioned above, and one other: Do you get seasonal affective disorder (SAD) ? Where your moods get pretty dicey in the darker months? This is the time of year when that ALWAYS kicks in for me. It starts now, gets real bad in mid-winter, then eases off and I am left wondering, "What the heck was THAT?" Except it happens every year, so I finally looked back over my journals and realized I wasn't nutso and wasn't hopeless....just that the darker seasons really get me down. Every bad thing that happens feels twice as bad; there's no hope, etc etc. It's all in my chemistry. Is it in yours too?
Just a thought........hang in there, lady!
Everything mentioned above, and one other: Do you get seasonal affective disorder (SAD) ? Where your moods get pretty dicey in the darker months? This is the time of year when that ALWAYS kicks in for me. It starts now, gets real bad in mid-winter, then eases off and I am left wondering, "What the heck was THAT?" Except it happens every year, so I finally looked back over my journals and realized I wasn't nutso and wasn't hopeless....just that the darker seasons really get me down. Every bad thing that happens feels twice as bad; there's no hope, etc etc. It's all in my chemistry. Is it in yours too?
Just a thought........hang in there, lady!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Have you tried sharing at a meeting about the car situation?
Not related to alcohol, but about 5 years ago, I just didn't have the energy or time to put my car up for sale in the paper, etc. It wasn't worth much. I was working on a job with someone who badly needed one. I sold it to her for $1. Later, when she was earning more, she passed it on to one of her assistants who also needed it. I hear it's still running.
Not related to alcohol, but about 5 years ago, I just didn't have the energy or time to put my car up for sale in the paper, etc. It wasn't worth much. I was working on a job with someone who badly needed one. I sold it to her for $1. Later, when she was earning more, she passed it on to one of her assistants who also needed it. I hear it's still running.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hey GiveLove, I don't have the SAD other than getting the doldrums/crabby right at the end of winter. This is actually my favorite time of the year!
As for chemicals I think I'll always be out of whack. Lord knows my doctors and I have worked with this over the years, and despite doing everything in my power, including exercising, the depression slams me again if I'm off meds for an extended period of time.
The added mirtazapine has been great because I had dropped to 138 late last year, and on a 6' frame, that's not nearly enough. I've slowly gained back up to 152, and feel tons better in that area. When I get extremely depressed, my appetite exits the premises.
Clinical depression runs in the family; I'm just the first one to admit it!
As for chemicals I think I'll always be out of whack. Lord knows my doctors and I have worked with this over the years, and despite doing everything in my power, including exercising, the depression slams me again if I'm off meds for an extended period of time.
The added mirtazapine has been great because I had dropped to 138 late last year, and on a 6' frame, that's not nearly enough. I've slowly gained back up to 152, and feel tons better in that area. When I get extremely depressed, my appetite exits the premises.
Clinical depression runs in the family; I'm just the first one to admit it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by prodigal
Taking online courses is very demanding. I know - I'll have my bachelor's degree in May and I got it online. Whew! Feeling tired from lots of school work may be kicking in the depression too. I loved school, but when I got fatigued, I got depressed.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I deal with chronic pain , bp2 and have suffered with depression for years and my line of defence as well as good self care and meds is to monitor my emotional-mental health constantly, if things get a little backed up, I'm in trouble...and heading for depression...we must come first...own our feelings, speak our truth, with respect..depression is anger turned inward...
omg...goober is a sweetie!!
omg...goober is a sweetie!!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Freedom, you have a "computer kitty" genius too! I have one that "studies" with me online. You should post more photos of your critters. There are tons of animal lovers on the board and we enjoy seeing each other's fur children.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by prodigal
Freedom, you have a "computer kitty" genius too! I have one that "studies" with me online. You should post more photos of your critters. There are tons of animal lovers on the board and we enjoy seeing each other's fur children.
Here's Sage holding down the now defunct piece of crap Lexmark printer that has since been replaced with a very nice Epson!
I'm also often having to move a cat off of a propped-open text book, or moving a cat around on the tv tray top as I'm trying to take notes!
BTW, Goober is the resident hugger, and would rather be in front of me with a paw on each of my shoulders, rubbing my face and giving kisses. I was glad he found an alternate position!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Originally Posted by grateful2b
..depression is anger turned inward...
Last edited by DesertEyes; 10-21-2008 at 09:37 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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DeVon, can Goober come over and give ME a back rub too? (that's what it looks like from this angle)
Cheers to all the study-at-homers! I'm working on a research paper today m'self......sigh....
Cheers to all the study-at-homers! I'm working on a research paper today m'self......sigh....
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by GiveLove
DeVon, can Goober come over and give ME a back rub too? (that's what it looks like from this angle)
Cheers to all the study-at-homers! I'm working on a research paper today m'self......sigh....
Cheers to all the study-at-homers! I'm working on a research paper today m'self......sigh....
God works in mysterious ways. I just got a call from my granddaughter out of the blue, and she and my grandson are spending the night on Friday!
Even though my oldest AD lost custody of them, their spineless father still lets her have them on the weekends AND call the shots whether I can have them or not on occasion.
I see popcorn and movies and a pajama party in the very near future!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Devon)))
Sending big hugs and prayers to you. I know that when I'm struggling, reach out here, and get a lot of support, it always helps. As wierd as it sounds, it also makes me feel more "human" to see someone like you, who is always here with ES&H admit they are struggling. I have a tendency to think I'm not supposed to struggle if I'm doing my recovery right. I HATE to see my friends struggle, but it's nice to know we're not alone.
I love your zoo crew. We have a mini version...3 cats and a wimpy chihuahua. I love how you have the pictures on your signature line...how'd you do that?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sending big hugs and prayers to you. I know that when I'm struggling, reach out here, and get a lot of support, it always helps. As wierd as it sounds, it also makes me feel more "human" to see someone like you, who is always here with ES&H admit they are struggling. I have a tendency to think I'm not supposed to struggle if I'm doing my recovery right. I HATE to see my friends struggle, but it's nice to know we're not alone.
I love your zoo crew. We have a mini version...3 cats and a wimpy chihuahua. I love how you have the pictures on your signature line...how'd you do that?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Freedom--
(((((hugs)))))) many days you have brightened my outlook with your wise words...sorry you're having a blue time...
:praying for your peace of mind and hope you get some "sunnier" days ahead! PJ's, popcorn, movies, grandies, and a houseful of animals - there's gotta be a couple a laughs comin' your way Friday night!!
Peace-
B.
(((((hugs)))))) many days you have brightened my outlook with your wise words...sorry you're having a blue time...
:praying for your peace of mind and hope you get some "sunnier" days ahead! PJ's, popcorn, movies, grandies, and a houseful of animals - there's gotta be a couple a laughs comin' your way Friday night!!
Peace-
B.
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