amberrose

Of course I don't believe for a minute it will last. There was a big fight with some abusive behavior on his part and I threw him out of the house eight days ago. He has been insisting on sleeping in his car instead of going to his sister or mother's house. It is pure manipulation because he knows I will worry with the freezing temps.

He says he has been sober for a week and hasn't even been seriously tempted to drink. He swears he is never going to drink again. He has gone to 5 AA meetings now and they have been really eye-opening. He does not feel that the people at those meetings are the same as him. They are much worse because they were addicted to hard liquor or drugs. He only drinks beer. They have done things while drinking that are much worse than anything he has ever done. He feels the meetings were helpful because they showed him what he could become eventually if he continued to drink. He does not feel the meetings would be really helpful to him because it has not been hard for him to stop drinking and he is doing fine. He does like the free coffee.

He does not have a sponsor. I suggested he look for one and he said everyone at the meetings is new. He said they don't want you to have another alcoholic as a sponsor and suggest you pick a family member? I told him to just not pick me because I obviously am not the person for it.

He always said that once he was ready to quit he just would and that's exactly what he's done. Every time he comes across a beer advertisement or drives past a bar he says "That's the devil!" and then he feels better. He is not religious but he says he prayed to God for help and it's working.

He has now realized that every problem in our relationship is due to his alcohol abuse. Every issue I bring up is answered with "I was probably drinking then. Yet another reason I quit". He keeps saying he was wrong and sorry and has changed. He realizes it will take time for me to believe that.

He knows I do not believe he is serious about not drinking. He would like me to take his credit cards so he can't access money for alcohol and will even do home breathalyzers if I want until I can trust him. All this even though two weeks ago he was upset I wouldn't let him drive the kids after drinking and called me a warden.

Obviously he has a lot of addict-speak. How long can I expect him to go on like this? Now if he relapses he will claim it is my fault for making him live out of his car. It feels like it would be so easy to just let him come back but I really don't trust him yet.

We went to a marriage counselor yesterday who encouraged him in the worst ways and actually minimized his drinking problem when he was taking responsibility for it. She obviously thinks I should just let him come home so we can work out our problems together, but I don't want to because I think he will be back to his old ways within a week.

SlvrMag

What? I have never heard that one before!

amberrose

Me either but since I have only been to 2 al-anon meetings and no AA ones I wasn't sure. It's quite possible he's lying because he doesn't want a sponsor.

mtnmagic

Glad you said something SlvrMag...I was thinking the very same thing.
BIG RED FLAG!

Just speaking of my own experience. I have gone to AA for years. Of course this was years ago, but I did manage to stay sober for 12 years before I relapsed. I recently have gone back to daily meetings. Every suggestion about sponsorship I have ever gotten was to find someone within the program of AA with good long term sobriety to assist me as a sponsor. I have
never heard of it recommended for a family member to be one.

Actually, relying on my exhusband, instead of a sponsor(we were married at the time) who was also recovering led to our both moving away from the AA program and our eventual relapses. JMHO.

SlvrMag

My sponsor is my husbands uncle and people say "Oh no, you need a woman sponsor..." or "It should not be a family member..."

It is working out great so I see no reason to change that, but I have never heard that it has to be a family member.

amberrose

Hmmm.... Okay I'll have to tell him I know that's not true then. He was probably trying to get me to be his "sponsor" so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone about it. And for added bonus, if he relapsed it would be my fault for not being a good sponsor. Got it.

justanothrdrunk

When I was seeing a therapist, my wife asked about marriage counseling. So I asked my psychologist if we should do some marriage couseling. He said no way, no how. He said I needed to fix myself first before we should even consider working on the relationship.

TTOSBT

Hi amberrose, welcome!

I will let other friends and family members talk to how to deal with your ah but as a recovering alcoholic I did want to say that I have NEVER heard anyone in AA suggest that a family member be your sponsor. The program is ALL about one alcoholic helping another. If he is going to meeting where "everyone" is new, he needs to hit some other meetings.

I would also suggest that he read the Big Book from page 1 - 164, before he determines he is not like other alcoholics.

I wish you the best :ghug

denny57

It's also possible he's not going to meetings. All newcomers? Never heard of that, either.

Bernadette

Ok well good for him he's going to AA. But nothing has changed yet really.

If he's pressuring you to let him back in you have the right to just say-- I have my own problems I am trying to heal from - I am not ready to have you back in my life in that way yet.

If this is real recovery time will bear that out. Sobriety does not equal recovery. And for a many years active alcoholic a week of not drinking isn't even really "sobriety" yet. Their brains/thoughts are quite scrambled for a bit longer than a week.

There is probably no truth to the "family member" sponsor statement. No one I know from AA or AlAnon would ever suggest that!! A sponsor is a veteran of the step work, they have to know the steps and ways to approach working the steps!!

How long can I expect him to go on like this?
Until HE is done.

Now if he relapses he will claim it is my fault for making him live out of his car.
So what? There is absolutely no truth to any of HIS drinking being YOUR fault. Believe it. You are not MAKING him live out of his car! He has a choice every day how he wants to live his life. Just like you do.

The more you just keep your hands off his recovery the better. Be so busy with your own problems that when he starts quacking you just cannot hear it! "Sorry-- I have my own problems - you're an adult - you handle your big problems I'll handle mine!!!!!!!!"

There's always hope - but try to keep your expectations to a minimum. Less hurt that way.
Stay strong! Stay focused on YOU!!

Peace-
B.

FormerDoormat

My boyfriend said the same thing shortly before he drank himself to death.

Hmm, sounds like he may be lying about going to meetings, since every sponsor my boyfriend had was a recovering alcoholic.

NoelleR

Hey There amberrose ---

There's a great site........: Alcoholics Anonymous :

That's AA's official website, and there's lots and lots of infor on there. You can even read the first 164 pages of the BigBook (Alcoholics Anonymous)....: A.A. Big Book ---- on the bottom of their home page there's an icon of the BigBook with 'click here to read the big book' ..... so, just click there.... (o:

There's also a link to read AA's official pamphlet regarding sponsorship (Questions and Answers on Sponsorship).....: Alcoholics Anonymous : Questions & Answers on Sponsorship --- from the home page click on 'For Groups and Members' and on the left side, scroll down and click on '+' for 'Group Life' and down to and click on 'Questions and Answers on Sponsordhip' and then just click on the pamphlet icon.....it's in pdf format.....

I hope this helps some......there's lots more info on their site, but this should give you a good start........... (o: good luck to the both of you


NoelleR

....and P.S. I've been in AA for over 20 years and I have NEVER heard that a sponsor should be from the family.....in fact, I've heard just the oposite; in particular, the person should be another person in recovery so they know of which they speak....a non-alcoholoic wouldn't be much help atall.....sorry (o:

tennis71

Something is not right with what he is telling you so you might consider taking the rest of what he says with a grain of salt, so to speak. Remember that we alcoholics are manipulative, dishonest and selfish. Until we honestly seek sobriety, those characteristics dominate us.

Case in point, the BS about his idea of sponsorship. A sponsor is someone in AA, namely an alcoholic, who has more sobriety than you and who is constantly working the 12 steps. I actually haven't heard the issue of not having a family member be your sponsor come up but in my opinion I think it's OK if the person is an alcoholic actively working the steps. The 12 steps of AA and the program are very similar to Al Anon.

Now that being said, he may not be ready to accept that he is an alcoholic. I can't say if he is or not anyways, that is his call. So that means the best thing for you right now, in my opinion, is to become more involved in Al Anon or your chosen method of recovery. The time has come to look out for you, and if he comes around and is still in your life, then you can see what happens.

Thanks for sharing and I pray this turns around for you!

:praying

Rebecca4

Check his hiding places
x

denny57

why?

prodigal

When I see a post that mentions "abuse" it sends up red flags for me. Has he ever been abusive in the past? Are you talking about physical abuse? If he got physical with you in any way, you may want to seriously consider a restraining order.

My exAH started with the silent treatment, went on to name-calling, escalated from there to shoving, and ended up beating the crap out of me. The restraining order that was granted to me by the judge ended the abuse. Forever.

Please stay safe!

blessed4x

A friend once gave me a great piece of advice......."if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck".........quack, quack:chatter


Stay grounded and don't let the manipulation take you to a place where you doubt your gut instincts. If he really wants to make changes, he will, and he won't even have to toot his own horn.

amberrose

I talked to him and he now says he never said it had to be a family member (lie) but is still insisting there is no one qualified to be a sponsor at the meetings. Upon further questioning there are people who could do it but he doesn't feel he needs a sponsor.

He is completely talking like an addict. He still believes he can control his drinking all on his own and doesn't need help. He is angry that I would even question if he's had anything to drink or suggest he might relapse.

Oh, and he told me he only drank constantly before because he likes the taste of coors. An alcoholic would settle for any beer but he only likes coors. I said "So if you're at a restaurant and they only have 6 beers and none are coors would you order another brand of beer or a soda?" Of course he said a beer. He's just fooling himself. If you are drinking for the taste you do not carry your beer to the bathroom so you can finish it after you puke up your first ten.

TTOSBT

Wel amberrose, sounds like you are pretty clear on this and doing the right thing. Until he is ready to commit to recovery, he will keep suffering. Take care of you.

Jadmack25

Amberrose, read your man's comment about family member as sponsor and thought it strange. Had visit from a friend a short while ago, so asked him as he's been active in AA for 37 years. I think he is probably still laughing.
He says he has NEVER heard anyone say that "they don't want you to have another alcoholic as a sponsor and suggest you pick a family member".
In fact he said that was so far off the truth. Unless there was some very special reason, AA advised a sponsor who is a long term sober and experienced AA member. As for ALL the members of that AA group being "new", he said it must be the rarest AA group in the world. He said that he had heard some good excuses and alibis before, but not these both in the same sentence.
He suggested you may tell your man that you'd like to go to the next AA meeting with him, before you consider sponsorship. We both bet he wins the World Back Peddling Championship, if you put this on him.
Sounds like he is still manipulating, or trying to, but you have him pretty well sussed.

I sometimes wonder if some people think we are green as Shrek, because some things they try and spin to us are so way out or just plain dumb.
Agree with TTOSBT, "Until he is ready to commit to recovery, he will keep suffering." You don't have to join him in the misery any more, thank God.
Bless you.