"Don't think about that"---the confession of my sick mind.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
"Don't think about that"---the confession of my sick mind.
Sorry for the long post...I need to put this out there though because it is a part of my recovery....I need to do this...So here is my confession...
After another weekend filled with loneliness, guilt, and tears, yesterday, I think I had another breakthrough.
I was fine the better part of last week because I hadn't heard from Don. However, Thursday came around and I got a phone call with all the same stuff...asking to come home...profession of his love and need for me...the reminder of my marital commitment of for better for worse. I immediately was a mess all over again. Thankfully, an Al Anon friend, SR friends, and meetings were a comfort. Went through the entire process over again of telling Don in my wishy washy way that nothing has changed, and that I love him, but I can't live like this. Again, I allowed his mood affect my mood.
I have played the tape all the way through, but it hadn't helped. I only feel guilty at missing the good parts and feel nothing at the bad parts. My girlfriend at work here told me that considering what he has done as far as his behavior prior to him leaving, I am far nicer than most people would be. I have had SR friends ask me how I deal with the infidelity and I surprise myself when I say I don't feel anything about it. The only emotions that I allow myself to feel is guilt and remorse for my actions.
So yesterday, I was feeling crummy about everything, and I had a conversation with an SR friend who mentioned that I need to stop thinking about Don and start focusing on myself. I have heard this a thousand times before, but maybe only took the advice tokenistly until last night.
Here is what I realized about myself....even though I play the tape all the way through, I keep the sound off. Whenever, I start to think that maybe I was betrayed, hurt, or shamed, I say to myself "Don't think about that." I never realized that I did that until yesterday. I caught myself. I have gotten so good at this that it has been automatic. I can just skip over the command and immediate disassociate myself from the thoughts.
So I avoid confronting reality... I see it, I hear it, but I "don't think about that"....Literally...this is what I am saying to myself. So I have now tricked myself into believing the following things. I want to share them with you, so that I can come clean with myself..I realize that the following seems to focus on my husband, but please bear with me...I have to admit these things to myself, or else I will always bring my behavior back to saving him and hating myself.
1) My husband is an alcoholic, but only recently began drinking again after years of soberity...(Correction: My husband attempted to abstain for about a year or two out of eight, but not consecutively because he came home blasted a few times...perhaps those times he couldn't hide it..I suspect he was drinking all along).
2) My husband's stomach illness was the result of horrific stomach problems that no one could adequately diagnois. (Correction: My husband's stomach problems were the result of prolonged drug use and alcohol abuse and nerves).
3) My husband had an emotional affair with a woman, but most likely never had sex with her. She meant nothing to him...(Correction: My husband did have an affair...he slept with her and continously chose her over me despite that our marriage was on the rocks and he knew that I would throw him out if it continued. He planned on moving in with her and spent many nights with her.).
4) We may have had our problems, but ultimately, my husband adored me and respected me....(Correction: My husband did not adore me or respect me. He obviously in the end felt contempt for me, which he shared with with new girlfriend...he spoke ill of me to his new friends and anyone else who would listen...that is not evidence of respect or adoration).
5) My husband was under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and bad people...He never ever would have done all the things that he was doing had he not had to stop working....He was so depressed because he couldn't work and had no income to support our family that he turned to all these things...He couldn't help himself....(Correction: No...my husband could not ever hold a job and saw his back problems as an excuse not to work any more. He refused to do anything to get better. He was content not working and going out and getting drunk with his new buddies. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but he was content being in it as long as I maintained the status quo. As long as I supported him and just shut up about it and gave him money, he was fine...he and I lost all respect for me as I allowed this to happen. He didn't accidently meet these people. He sought them out and partied with them, and happily so...).
6) My husband didn't mean to spend $10,000 in a month...he just isn't good with managing money...(Correction: No, he DID mean to spend that money...he used it to finance his vacation with his girlfriend, tattoo himself, drink, drug, eat, buy frivilous crap, and never once considered that he should put some towards the marital home, and was pissed when he found out that I would not supplement his income once it was gone).
7) My husband's suicide attempt was the direct result of how bad his life was going and our marriage that was falling apart. If I had been a better wife and just stopped my schooling when he was lonely or had that baby he wanted, we would have been fine and happy....(Correction: The police report said that he had been drunk and had a fight with his girlfriend while on vacation...she found the pill container empty shortly thereafter...it had nothing to do with me).
8) My husband stopped speaking to this woman and started going to AA because he wants our marriage to work. He is desperate to come home and I am completely unfair for not considering it. I am acting like he is just some boyfriend I am breaking up with and not a husband I made vows to...(Correction: My husband changed his phone number because the other woman was a verbally abusive alcoholic and he couldn't stand the abuse....he didn't change the number for me or our marriage, but for his discomfort. He occasionally attends AA because he is searching for something, but it isn't for me. He has yet to make a commitment to soberity, but even if he did, it wouldn't change anything...I am not taking him back because I know nothing has changed and if I did, I would end right back at square one. The most loving thing I can do for the both of us is to let it go).
These are the confessions of a sick mind. Even as I read them, I still can't believe them, but I am working on it. Otherwise, I am in for a long life of heartache and misery....I will constantly repeat the same mistakes over and over again.... Thanks for listening...sorry for the long post....
After another weekend filled with loneliness, guilt, and tears, yesterday, I think I had another breakthrough.
I was fine the better part of last week because I hadn't heard from Don. However, Thursday came around and I got a phone call with all the same stuff...asking to come home...profession of his love and need for me...the reminder of my marital commitment of for better for worse. I immediately was a mess all over again. Thankfully, an Al Anon friend, SR friends, and meetings were a comfort. Went through the entire process over again of telling Don in my wishy washy way that nothing has changed, and that I love him, but I can't live like this. Again, I allowed his mood affect my mood.
I have played the tape all the way through, but it hadn't helped. I only feel guilty at missing the good parts and feel nothing at the bad parts. My girlfriend at work here told me that considering what he has done as far as his behavior prior to him leaving, I am far nicer than most people would be. I have had SR friends ask me how I deal with the infidelity and I surprise myself when I say I don't feel anything about it. The only emotions that I allow myself to feel is guilt and remorse for my actions.
So yesterday, I was feeling crummy about everything, and I had a conversation with an SR friend who mentioned that I need to stop thinking about Don and start focusing on myself. I have heard this a thousand times before, but maybe only took the advice tokenistly until last night.
Here is what I realized about myself....even though I play the tape all the way through, I keep the sound off. Whenever, I start to think that maybe I was betrayed, hurt, or shamed, I say to myself "Don't think about that." I never realized that I did that until yesterday. I caught myself. I have gotten so good at this that it has been automatic. I can just skip over the command and immediate disassociate myself from the thoughts.
So I avoid confronting reality... I see it, I hear it, but I "don't think about that"....Literally...this is what I am saying to myself. So I have now tricked myself into believing the following things. I want to share them with you, so that I can come clean with myself..I realize that the following seems to focus on my husband, but please bear with me...I have to admit these things to myself, or else I will always bring my behavior back to saving him and hating myself.
1) My husband is an alcoholic, but only recently began drinking again after years of soberity...(Correction: My husband attempted to abstain for about a year or two out of eight, but not consecutively because he came home blasted a few times...perhaps those times he couldn't hide it..I suspect he was drinking all along).
2) My husband's stomach illness was the result of horrific stomach problems that no one could adequately diagnois. (Correction: My husband's stomach problems were the result of prolonged drug use and alcohol abuse and nerves).
3) My husband had an emotional affair with a woman, but most likely never had sex with her. She meant nothing to him...(Correction: My husband did have an affair...he slept with her and continously chose her over me despite that our marriage was on the rocks and he knew that I would throw him out if it continued. He planned on moving in with her and spent many nights with her.).
4) We may have had our problems, but ultimately, my husband adored me and respected me....(Correction: My husband did not adore me or respect me. He obviously in the end felt contempt for me, which he shared with with new girlfriend...he spoke ill of me to his new friends and anyone else who would listen...that is not evidence of respect or adoration).
5) My husband was under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and bad people...He never ever would have done all the things that he was doing had he not had to stop working....He was so depressed because he couldn't work and had no income to support our family that he turned to all these things...He couldn't help himself....(Correction: No...my husband could not ever hold a job and saw his back problems as an excuse not to work any more. He refused to do anything to get better. He was content not working and going out and getting drunk with his new buddies. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but he was content being in it as long as I maintained the status quo. As long as I supported him and just shut up about it and gave him money, he was fine...he and I lost all respect for me as I allowed this to happen. He didn't accidently meet these people. He sought them out and partied with them, and happily so...).
6) My husband didn't mean to spend $10,000 in a month...he just isn't good with managing money...(Correction: No, he DID mean to spend that money...he used it to finance his vacation with his girlfriend, tattoo himself, drink, drug, eat, buy frivilous crap, and never once considered that he should put some towards the marital home, and was pissed when he found out that I would not supplement his income once it was gone).
7) My husband's suicide attempt was the direct result of how bad his life was going and our marriage that was falling apart. If I had been a better wife and just stopped my schooling when he was lonely or had that baby he wanted, we would have been fine and happy....(Correction: The police report said that he had been drunk and had a fight with his girlfriend while on vacation...she found the pill container empty shortly thereafter...it had nothing to do with me).
8) My husband stopped speaking to this woman and started going to AA because he wants our marriage to work. He is desperate to come home and I am completely unfair for not considering it. I am acting like he is just some boyfriend I am breaking up with and not a husband I made vows to...(Correction: My husband changed his phone number because the other woman was a verbally abusive alcoholic and he couldn't stand the abuse....he didn't change the number for me or our marriage, but for his discomfort. He occasionally attends AA because he is searching for something, but it isn't for me. He has yet to make a commitment to soberity, but even if he did, it wouldn't change anything...I am not taking him back because I know nothing has changed and if I did, I would end right back at square one. The most loving thing I can do for the both of us is to let it go).
These are the confessions of a sick mind. Even as I read them, I still can't believe them, but I am working on it. Otherwise, I am in for a long life of heartache and misery....I will constantly repeat the same mistakes over and over again.... Thanks for listening...sorry for the long post....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Have you any idea how much you have empowered yourself with the above 'enlightenments'?
I'm so proud of you I'd pop the buttons on my shirt if I had any!
I did post to you last week because I was concerned about you. I'm so glad you posted today! :ghug
I'm so proud of you I'd pop the buttons on my shirt if I had any!
I did post to you last week because I was concerned about you. I'm so glad you posted today! :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Thank you for a fantastic share, silver!
If I had accepted all these things, and more, all at the same time, I would not have been able to handle it. One by one, I faced them, felt the pain and then on to the next. Getting honest with myself has been extremely painful and extremely freeing.
Much love to you.
If I had accepted all these things, and more, all at the same time, I would not have been able to handle it. One by one, I faced them, felt the pain and then on to the next. Getting honest with myself has been extremely painful and extremely freeing.
Much love to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Silver, I think when we write these things down in black and white it brings a new realization to it all. I know this had to be hard for you but I'll bet you feel better.
Thank you for sharing. This gives me a lot to think about too
Thank you for sharing. This gives me a lot to think about too
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Have you any idea how much you have empowered yourself with the above 'enlightenments'?
I'm so proud of you I'd pop the buttons on my shirt if I had any!
I did post to you last week because I was concerned about you. I'm so glad you posted today! :ghug
I'm so proud of you I'd pop the buttons on my shirt if I had any!
I did post to you last week because I was concerned about you. I'm so glad you posted today! :ghug
You know how they say there are dry drunks? Well, are there like, crusty codies? I find myself in a similar situation. Not directly engaging in codie behavior, but boy, all the symptoms are there...denial, fantasy, fear...
I have to get down and get to work...honestly though, I am afraid of what I am going to encounter with all these stuffed feelings. I am happy though that I have you guys for support.
Much love to you all!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You have set such a shining example. BRAVO!!!
I doubt you will ever know how much and how many people, besides yourself, that share will benefit, encourage and empower others! A beautiful gift!
I doubt you will ever know how much and how many people, besides yourself, that share will benefit, encourage and empower others! A beautiful gift!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Silverberry,
May we all see things in the clear light as you have. Call it a cold shower, slap in the head, breath of fresh air, whatever - it is progress.
You have made a step forward and I pray that we all see that our feet may have been mired in the same spot a bit too long.
You rock, you roll
May we all see things in the clear light as you have. Call it a cold shower, slap in the head, breath of fresh air, whatever - it is progress.
You have made a step forward and I pray that we all see that our feet may have been mired in the same spot a bit too long.
You rock, you roll
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by blessed4x
Silverberry.......Wow, all I can say is WOW! I don't know what it takes to make it to a "stickie", but this would be very valuable information to share. I hate to see it get lost in the archives!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Silverberry1331
are there like, crusty codies? I find myself in a similar situation. Not directly engaging in codie behavior, but boy, all the symptoms are there...denial, fantasy, fear...
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