When is enough...when will it stop?

Old 10-21-2008, 08:55 AM
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DII
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When is enough...when will it stop?

I'm back....although my posts get further between, I'm still in it with the AW. Do you ever get the love and trust back? It's been 5 yers and while she has had progress in her disease one pattern remains. She can go almost a year and then relapse in the same pattern. You see it coming physically, emotionally, then you smell it, then denial, then a lie that it's a cold or not "feeling well", then losing control and completely intoxicated, then "I'm sorry", then I take her to detox and/or the ER because she is so sick.

Each time I love her less and want to be with her less. I "love" her but I'm not sure I will ever be in love with her again. We talked about it this weekend. She understands what the disease has done to me and the boys (18 and 15) but there are no guarantees that the pattern will ever change. I told her my boundry that will keep us together is for her to tell me sooner that she had that first drink, not lie about it even though we all know what's happening, and get her help BEFORE we are at the detox stage. She can't commit to it.

She has made progress in acceptance but I'm not sure she will ever break the cycle and I don't think I can live any longer with the same pattern that has gone on for the last 5 years. I understand the disease and I know that only she can change. All of us codies struggle with the thought "is this the last time"?. Will it be 12 months , 2 years, 5 years between re-lapses? Do I and can I keep waiting?

I told her that what she put me though is like she is having an affair. I open my heart when she is sober and then she cheats with her true love...alcohol. Like an affair, it is harder and harder to have the "heart" and love come back with each affair. I'm atthe point now where it might be gone.

Thanks for listening....
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Old 10-21-2008, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by DII View Post
I open my heart when she is sober and then she cheats with her true love...alcohol.
That one sentence is what I have been trying to put in words for months now. My AH is currently not drinking during the week. He is thoughtful and caring and gentle......but I still can't risk "opening my heart", because I know the weekend is coming, or if not this weekend then the next. The trust is gone.

I'm working on me, but still it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Thanks you for sharing. I feel less alone because you did.
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Old 10-21-2008, 09:16 AM
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Wow, both of you summed up what I am feeling. I didn't realize how it was until right now. I am holding back while he is sober so that I don't have to face the pain when he drinks.

That just hit me like a ton of bricks.
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Old 10-21-2008, 09:28 AM
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I'm sorry, DII. I wish I could come up with an answer for you, but there really isn't one (I know you know that already but....well.....)

I know that I reached a point where I was no longer "in love." I loved the person he was when he was sober, but could no longer stand the torture of waiting for the next relapse. It was interfering with my ability to be happy in my day to day life, and life became a series of events and nothing more.

I wanted to feel joyful again. I wanted to feel "in love" again. And I knew those things were not going to happen as long as I remained in the relationship....too much damage had been done. I could love and support him but I couldn't have back the trust and intimacy that had been wrecked - EVER. So I made the right decision for myself. I can't say what the right decision might be for you.

But I will wish you the clarity and detachment to make it for yourself, and know that whatever you choose, as long as it comes from a place of honesty and compassion for yourself, it will be okay.

You can only live your life. You can't live hers for her, or magically take away the effects of her poor choices. One of those effects is that you can't get back the feelings you had before. That's very sad but...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. And life goes on.

Strength,
GL
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Old 10-21-2008, 09:47 AM
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I am holding back while he is sober so that I don't have to face the pain when he drinks.
I did this too. I couldn't let him have "all of me" because I knew he would be drinking again soon.
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Old 10-21-2008, 07:59 PM
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When is enough...when will it stop?

Two very different questions!

The first seems to be one you can answer.

The second seems to be a question to her and most likely she cannot give you an honest answer.

Do I and can I keep waiting?
I waited a long time for my exH to change. It took the time that it took for me to see he was doing exactly what he needed to do to be HIM so why would he change?? When I stopped waiting and changed myself, everything changed!

Sounds like a tough, sad cycle you are in... sending you a prayer for clarity, and courage and peace for you and the boys....

Peace-
B.
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Old 10-22-2008, 11:08 AM
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I believe that the reason it's hard to open up to our "loved ones" who drink is because history has taught us that they are not trust worthy.

If that loved one drinks they are going to hurt those around them in some way. How can you trust some one who hurts you? Or your children? You really can't and without trust you can't really love that person completely.

I'll also pray that you have clarity for your questions. I think not knowing what to do is one of the hardest things about living with an addict.

Hugs
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:00 PM
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I told her my boundry that will keep us together is for her to tell me sooner that she had that first drink, not lie about it even though we all know what's happening, and get her help BEFORE we are at the detox stage. She can't commit to it.

Do I and can I keep waiting?

It sounds as if she has given you her answer to the boundary you set. It sounds like she is letting you know she can't respect your boundary because her commitment lies elsewhere; namely, with her drinking.

It's a tragic situation. I think you have the answer to your question. As to whether or not you can keep waiting, that is up to you. I think she has made herself pretty clear on where she stands.
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:18 PM
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I told her my boundry that will keep us together is for her to tell me sooner that she had that first drink, not lie about it even though we all know what's happening, and get her help BEFORE we are at the detox stage. She can't commit to it.
It was very painful to realize someone did not want to make a choice that would keep us together. It was doubly painful to accept it.

Today, I am grateful the universe did for me what I would not do for myself.

((( )))
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:52 PM
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I could have written your post. He does great and we're happy -then - whammo. Out of no where it comes and all the trust is gone again.

We went to therapy last week and I, very self righteously, asked the number of times I had let him down over the past decade - 2 or 3. I can't even tell you the number of times he's thrown me for a loop. I just never know when it's going to happen.

Like someone else said, it's a TRUST issue for me and it is like an affair as well as the emotions being similar to those of battered wives - the "love you, hate you" way of acting.

I'm don trying to control him and am taking actions to protect the kids and myself from now on. Not sure how he's going to fit into all of this but that's the last of my concerns right now. I'm sick of feeling like A$$ because I keep trying to expect something that will never be there.

Oh - mine is also only doing beer on the weekends (hehe). Binder, binder, binder, I can smell a binder, rawhide. Anyway, I'll be having fun either way and so will my children.

GL - wish I had a magic wand.
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:03 PM
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Thanks to all......I DO know what I want to do. Funny, I had a 15 minute conversation with her a couple of nights ago and she said "follow your heart". Unbelieveable statement to me......is that what she's been doing....following her heart?

How someone can go 10 months between relapses is mind bending! What I have learned is that even though they don't drink for 10 months doesn't mean that they haven't been WANTING to drink and fighting it every day! Will she build on that and go 12, 24, 3 years or more the next time and eventually have control over the disease? THAT is what keeps most of us HOPING that "The next time will be different".

Craziness is what it is.....

Thanks for the support.
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Old 10-22-2008, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by DII View Post
I'm back....although my posts get further between, I'm still in it with the AW. Do you ever get the love and trust back? It's been 5 yers and while she has had progress in her disease one pattern remains. She can go almost a year and then relapse in the same pattern. You see it coming physically, emotionally, then you smell it, then denial, then a lie that it's a cold or not "feeling well", then losing control and completely intoxicated, then "I'm sorry", then I take her to detox and/or the ER because she is so sick.
Does she have a sponsor - someone she can call who will get in the car and meet her some place before she picks up? Relapse is a part of the disease, so having a strategy to respond to the situation seems obvious.

Peace.
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Old 10-22-2008, 06:20 PM
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For me the lack of trust, love and intimacy has reached the stage of a new level of normal.
I expect nothing.

Dinner is not what he wants-then its cold-now its my tone of voice when I serve it- now its on the floor. In the morning he wants his coffee and some play-time.

This is predictable chaos.

I don't believe it will ever change.
I do have hope for my future.
Work your program.


I'm no longer chasing the puck. Instead I am watching its path and predicting the probable outcome.
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Old 10-22-2008, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
That one sentence is what I have been trying to put in words for months now. My AH is currently not drinking during the week. He is thoughtful and caring and gentle......but I still can't risk "opening my heart", because I know the weekend is coming, or if not this weekend then the next. The trust is gone.

I'm working on me, but still it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Thanks you for sharing. I feel less alone because you did.

ounds like he altered the pattern to "binge" rather than evert day. Does he not get wiped out when he binges?
Sooner or later the gaps between binges will shorten.
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Old 10-22-2008, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by steve11694 View Post
Does he not get wiped out when he binges?
Don't want to hijack, but thought I should respond. I can't honestly answer if he gets wiped out or not. He does not drink in the house, so his weekends consist of hanging out in the garage with his fridge (yep, he's got a fridge in the garage) full of beer from noon or earlier until he comes in to go to bed around 7 or 8.

I keep busy with the kids, and we generally come and go as we please. Sometimes he tries to get me engaged in a conversation when he comes in, sometimes not.

I agree that it is binging, and I anticipate that it will get closer together. He maintains that since he can "control it" by only drinking on weekends it is proof that he is not an alcoholic. I have finally made it to a place where I'm okay with him thinking that, saying that, even believing that. It's his cross to bear, and mine is heavy enough that I don't need the added load.
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Old 10-22-2008, 08:50 PM
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This helps me understand what my husband has been trying to tell me all along. I would say "how is it like cheating? It's nowhere near the same thing as cheating!" but I guess it is to the person on the other side of addiction. I am sorry.
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