justaboutus

I just found where my husband has been soliciting women online. Our 'intimate' relationship has been out of the picture for months now, so I'm not really surprised. I would expect to be hurt by this, but strangely I'm not. I just made a copy of the info and sent it to my lawyer. He actually talked to these women about me and I laughed at the degrading names he used for me. I don't really feel like I'm being cold, I just think it's a natural progression of a marriage breaking down due to alcohol. I had no idea I was this strong... but I remember long ago I was this way... I remember the girl I used to be and she is SO AWESOME!!!

denny57

I remember asking that same question - but I think I also knew I was just done - over it.

It was surreal to see my husband at the time discussing our "in progress divorce" with another woman when we were still married and he was sending me "love emails" from abroad.

Life is interesting. ((( )))

justaboutus

Oh man, I hadn't even thought about that yet. Thanks for the heads up.

GiveLove

You're doing great, justaboutus. Same thing here......it reached a point where I was just "done" and the things he did were like, "Oh, yeah, yet another example of what he's turned into. That's nice. Could you pass the chips please?" I mean, it hits you finally that you're better that that, bigger than that.

Hugs,
GL

sailorgirl2nv

Isn't it funny how we can be hurt and it gets to the point that nothing hurts anymore?

It sounds like you are really on your way to be a strong, healthy person again.

Pajarito

I have found that there are some things that are too painful to really feel at the moment they happen. I've gone through the motions of doing something- for instance lately talking to my dd about her dad's choice to spend time with his girlfriend instead of scheduled time with dd. . . DD will just bring it up out of the blue, I step up and respond like a good mom and listen/admit I am sad too, but later I will really think about all of it- the sadness of the reality- and then I may really feel it- cry. I noticed I've done this off and on depending on what is happening. I've heard somewhere that our brains can only take so much on- kind of like denial. What you/we are dealing with is huge, but to feel it all at once would probably render us in a fetal position for a long time. I don't have the luxury, so I get through my day and then spend more time on me at night when I have a moment to myself. That's when the emotional stuff comes out. Just my experience. . .

Pajarito

Another LOL moment. I'd love to sit down with all of you over some chips and salsa. . . we'd have a lot to laugh about!

justaboutus

don't get me wrong... I'm plenty pissed. I really want to show my cards right now and throw everything up in his face. I just know I can't because I still need to gather more evidence before I file. I'm not sad though, I'm not hurt... I'm mad. But I'm not mad because he's asking this girl for naked pictures of her. I'm mad because of the names he called me... which seems kinda weird. I can't wait to kick him out. I'm playing the scene over and over in my mind... It will be glorious.

Crazy8Canuck

Good for you!!!!!!!

I am an alcoholic and am currently in day 7 of getting off pain pills and I was in a similar situation, but was on the other side of the fence. I had an amazing girlfriend that put up with me going to bars till 4 or 5 in the morning and some times she had to come get me from the police station after fights or sleeping in places I shouldn't. I never cheated on her, but I made life difficult, by what I did and by spending all our money on booze. She finally had enough as well and basically said me or the booze.

I am happy to say that I ended up getting married to her and we have 3 awesome boys. Sober me is so much more fun and life is great....except for a medical issue that has had me taking pain pills for 8 years, and I just had 3 brain surgeries this past summer and the problem is cured, and I am on day 7 of kicking another addiction, but I have my best friend helping me.

I know this may not be great knowing that my wife stuck with me and helped me, but I only say this because sometimes facing losing what means the most is what drunks need. He may not get another chance to do whats right for you and may not deserve the chance, I don't knowand its not my place to judge, but after you shake up his world and maybe give him the wake up he needs....you may be saving another woman from his ways and we may see him posting about his recovery process and how he lost everything. There are many that have had strong women like you go to AA meetings and losing a family is a huge reason many drunks finally wake up....almost losing my best friend and now wife of 10 yrs Nov. 21. I wish you the best of luck....stay srong...and thanks for sharing and posting.

Take care,
Chuck

denny57

Yep. Got my ducks in a row while he had a good old time. I feel I was blessed to have access to those emails, as well as the ones to his best friend. xAH would tell the OWs the "ex" was a vindictive beotch; up until he was getting ready to come home, and still didn't know I knew, he was saying "I'll have to see the ex when I get back - god, I haven't spoken with that woman for months."

One of my faves was he wrote to his best bud: "I hope the 80 year old me looks back on this and smiles." Sometimes I laugh with my therapist about that one LOL!!

Pissed is what got me through it all. Don't get me wrong, I cried, but the anger propelled me. It wasn't what he was doing, it was the DISRESPECT.

Seeing it in black and white took me out of denial. In the past it had been accusation and sweet talking. Except for one lame "what woman?" he didn't bother this time.

Stay the course, justaboutus. I am living proof one can laugh about the hard times farther down the road. It hasn't been easy, but I managed to have plenty of good times while cleaning up the mess I had created in my life.

Pajarito

DEFINITELY! Anger has propelled me forward many times. It's the sadness that kept me stuck, but those sad times are not as frequent now, and they're necessary too. And the disrespect. . . don't even get me started. Now I stand up to him and have amazed even myself. It's very empowering. Keep up the good work justaboutus!

justaboutus

Oh yeah, I can hear him now "I was just KIDDING, I didn't REALLY want them to email me their naked pictures" yeah... right. My day is coming and I'm going to rock his world... and either way (him sober or not) MY life will get better. If I can just sit on my hands until then...

brundle

I think it's great to be angry! I mostly feel nothing (I'm hoping for anger any day now..lol) I'm forcing myself into action right now because I know it's what I SHOULD do.

My AH friend gave him a "cleaner" so he could clean his history and cookies I need a real hacker to get his stuff. I'm sure you don't feel lucky now, but it's good that you have access to that stuff to send your lawyer.

Hugs.

YellowRed

Disrespect was one of the huge final kickers for me. Trust obviously I realised was completely shot and I could not accept living with someone I couldn't trust. But it was the lack of respect that really bugged me. I felt I deserved to be treated with respect (we all do) and I found that this particular feature of all the betrayals many family memebrs of As put up with, to be one of the most notable ones for me. I hear ya!By the time I left I really didn't care about what he was up to any more (some part of my program must have been working, eh?) either, and it wasn't because I was just mad or agnry (personaly I find that anger is a great deflector for hurting inside which can then creep up on me later) - I really didn't care. And for me, that was quite a relief, because I felt released and able to move on without really giving two hoots about what he was up to or who he was going to hook up with next. For me the trigger was not an OW or OWs in general (although they were certainly there) but on that topic, I did go to my gynie and had a thorough check for any potential STDs which could potentially have been passed on - you never know and it's better to be safe than sorry.Good luck with your next steps! Sounds like you are detaching pretty well.

justaboutus

I know this sounds bad but... once I lowered my expectations, I quit getting hurt. It's much easier now that I don't expect him to get sober, find a job, etc. The disappointment is what hurt me so bad, made me so sad... It may come up again, once I'm on my own. There are some days I'm VERY lonely, and he's still here. I'm wondering how I'll handle them when he's not there. I'm already thinking of things to do to keep busy.