Stubborn1

When my best friend passed away two years ago from alcoholism I can't help but to think of how many times I bought the liquor, how many times I took her out, how many times I called her mom to pick her up because she couldn't walk in to the bar. I know she drank before she went most of the time but I contributed to that. Her mother hates me because she thinks I made her relapse and part of me wonders if I did. I went to her Christmas party and stupid me had a bottle of Southern Comfort in the car. I thought it was ok for me to drink since she was the one with the problem and I'll never forget her saying "it's ok, I'll just have a tiny bit" from that day on she drank again. I eventually quit taking her out, quit drinking myself and would not bring her anything but she found it other places. She was such a pretty woman that any guy would buy her liquor because they might get their way with her. It was like she was doomed from the start. Her own BIL would buy her alcohol and try to touch her. She finally gave in to alcoholism. She would tell me about the seizures when she would try to quit. I was so helpless. God put me in a situation where I was able to see her before she died and kissed her and told her I loved her. I know that was HIS will, it was too odd the way I got to see her and how it all happend. The things is......I have no contact with her family. Life went on like she was never here. I carry this guilt with me. I hate that she can't tell me it wasn't my fault and she would have done it anyway. I hate that I can't hear her voice. For my own selfish reasons I wish she were here but I know God took her home because she was too weak and too hurt. I miss her so much. When they pass away does it get any easier? It's been two years and I feel so much guilt for each time I bought or gave her alcohol. I honestly did not realize they really could die from it. She was beautiful, strong, strong willed.....it couldn't take her down but it did and it was the most horrible thing I have ever seen. Should I write her mother a letter or just let it go?

Freedom1990

This is where meetings, having a sponsor, and working the steps come in to play for me.

It's eerie that you posted this as I had an amends issue come up just recently and talked to my sponsor about it.

My EXAH died last year from complications due to AIDS, and his parents were two of the people I had never made amends to.

The steps tell me I am to make a list of people I had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.

Those steps also tell me that I do make direct amends whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, including myself.

When I went to rehab and left the EXAH, there were just some people it was best to stay out of their lives and that was the best amends I could ever make.

I have to be careful I am not opening up old wounds with someone else because I am selfishly attempting to rid myself of my own guilt.

In the case of the amends to my ex in-laws, I am going to do what my sponsor suggested and write a letter to them. I will not send it, but tuck it away somewhere and then read again in 30 days and see if there is anything I want to add, change, etc. I will continue to do that over and over until I know the letter is complete, and burn it, and give it to God.

They buried their son last year, and I don't need to make direct amends to them and open up old wounds.

I hope this helps some! :ghug

Stubborn1

Thank you so much freedom. I just finished the letter I was going to send to her mother but I feel just what you wrote. I don't want to open old wounds. So I will tuck it away like you suggested. You're right. I would be doing it selfishly by asking her forgiveness. Can I honestly be free by not asking for it?
I do need a sponsor of sorts but I really hate burdening people whenever a thought runs across my mind. They have their own problems to tend to. I feel this anyway.

Freedom1990

I felt the same way about sponsors too, but that was my old false pride talking. Honestly, having a sponsor I can talk to has been a tremendous help for me.

What I have to bear in mind is all I can do is make amends, and NOT necessarily expect forgiveness. It's a step to clear my side of the street, and not to get forgiveness from someone else.

I have found a lot of self-forgiveness in writing letters that were never sent.

I understand your feelings of guilt over your friend, but I can tell you that none of us have that kind of power over another human being.

You were in no way, shape, or form, responsible for her death. :ghug2

DeVon

Barbara52

Please let go of this unearned guilt! It wasn't your fault! Did you force her to drink? Did you make her do anything? I doubt it. She made her own choices and unfortunately it led to her death. But didn't cause her to drink. You aren't that powerful dear.



Have you tried individual therapy to discover why you want to take on such responsibility? Why you feel guilt about someone else's life choices? What are the underlying issues you have that have led you to beleive you had control over another person?

As for contacting her mother, I think Freedom has some great information for you there.

TTOSBT

Stubborn,
Sponsors need you just as much as you need them! They need to give back to keep what they have. My sponsor thanks me several times a week for coming into her life.

I can share with you what I did. My exbf died of alcoholism 5 years ago. I had many of your same feelings. I wrote him a letter, apologizing, telling him how much I loved him, etc. Then I put the letter inside a helium filled balloon (the store did this for me) and I took it up to a place we used to hang out and I said a prayer that God carry this to him and I let it go. It truly helped me start to let go.

You could not have saved her. :ghug3

bluerskies

Stubborn --
Today I was thinking about my ex who died a little over a month ago from a drug addiction. I was thinking about the last time I talked to him, he had asked me about my boyfriend, and I told him I was happy...and then I started thinking maybe that had caused his relapse.

But even if it had -- it would have been him making a choice. He would have made the choice to abuse a drug and what I had said would only have been his excuse. Your friend made a choice to, you did not and could not have controlled what she did. No matter how much we love them, we have to be fair in our understanding of what happened. They were fully responsible for their choices. The choices did not make this a deserved outcome, but no one other then them are responsible for those choices.

I look at it this way. They lived beautifully, fought harder then most people ever have to, loved many and were loved by many. They learned a lot in this life. Their lives were not in vain. They loved us. And we loved them. That is what matters.

I am so glad you got to see your friend again. I hope that you can allow yourself to feel guilt (because we are going to feel it), but that you feel it and then let it move away clearing out a space for healing.

So sorry you had to experience this. It is so very hard.