RightAngled

I posted about a month ago and much to my suprise, I lasted 11 days without alcohol - this for me was a major achievement. Like so many here, it didn't last, although for some weeks after I started ti drink, I was drinking a lot less, eating more, sleeping more, playng sport and being generally more motivated. I was living in a fools paradise if I thought it could last. I literally have just got back from holidays - which although was a fantastic time, realy kicked in the alcoholic behaviour. It was sunny, my girlfriend was drinking, daytime drinking is positively encouraged. Quite a lot of the bar staff apllaud your drunkeness and buy you free drinks. For 'normal' drinkers this may be OK, but not for me - lots of late nights, noon waking and right back on the booze. I was even so drunk one night I did what I have not done in two years and wet the bed. I have always been ashamed of this and thankfully (or not on another level!) the place we stayed at put us in twin beds. I turned the mattress over and re-made it and slept two to a single bed. I lived in constant fear my girlfriend would find it adn even though she did not, am living in constant fear that the room cleaners will. I am so ashamed. I have told no one. I think when I was on holiday, esepcially during the last few days, I was drinking at least 12 pints over as many hours.

In short I am back to square one and giving another shot at it, so day one starts now. I am sick of leading the double life, of hiding things, of lying blantently about my drinking. If I had 8 pints, then I would swear blind I had 4. I am not a liar by nature but find I go to some lengths to keep it a secret. I fear being judged and rejected. Its utterly time and energy consuming and highly stressful, which in turn makes you want to drink more. And the sleepless nights - worrying and scared of everything, unable to switch the brain off - hence the need to drink. Small things become huge possible disasters.

Despite feeling low, tired and physically unwell from the last week, I feel encouraged to do that which I know I can do. I'll take one moment at a time, then maybe a minute, then an hour. Slow steps.

Its difficult with so many events coming up at the moment, where I would drink and that I cant realy get out of. Its difficult sometimes as my girlfriend does like to drink and will often take my lead (i.e. if I drink, she drinks) although she knows how to control it - unlike me.

Have slept about 2 hours this night and need to be up for work in 2 hours. I doubt I will sleep again tonight but I was lying in bed with all this going on in my head and realy needed to get it out. Its helped just to write it down.

Thanks

ANGELINA243

Congrats on day 1 Keep moving forward. You can do it! :atv

CarolD

Glad to know you are going to get back to reality
You never have to drink again

Julesy

It is just so hard to resist the urge, but you can. I struggle too, but when the chips are down it is just sheer willpower, and you have done 11 days and you know how great that was, so you just have to cherish those thoughts/moments and try and stay there. You overcame the urge then and you can now. Take it slowly.

RightAngled

Cheers folks - managed not to drink yesterday so thats cool. Also, on my return from holiday found I had won an award at work for being nominated by my collegues of going byond what my job requires - recieved £100 - guess thats about $180. Off to work right now.

Peace to all.

juliee

Like the song goes:
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again!
Your determination and desire come through loud and clear in your post. Congrats on 11 days....you CAN do it.

Anna

Hi,

Reading your post brought back to me the fact that I could never, ever have gone on a vacation like that in early sobriety, and stayed sober. I had to make some hard choices and being around alcohol, was just something I could not do for a long time.

You said you have many alcohol-related events coming up, that you can't get out of. Are they work-related - and, if so, I'm sure it would be acceptable to not drink. If they are not work-related, then you have a choice about whether or not to attend. So much of early sobriety depends upon the people you see and the places you go.

You can do this!