Head Is Spinning

Old 10-20-2008, 09:12 AM
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rozied
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Head Is Spinning

I find myself being very down on myself today. I kind of got into it with my 35yr old son, but thinking about it I have noone to blame but myself. I created a monster translated a spoiled brat that doesn't have enough respect for me or see me as a separate person. I was really sick up until 3 yrs ago this past June. I was severely disabeled & in alot of serious pain. Many times I was in too much pain to argue about things. I was like that for 20yrs on & off. I would have better periods & then relapse or another health problem would come up. I was too sick, and weak to fight if there was a disagreement, and many times I would just give in. Plus I am sure I wasn't thinking too clearly cuz of all the medication I was on. During that 20yrs I had 6 back operations, Open Heart Surgery, plus 2 Abdominal Surgeries. I was always doctoring for something.
The last 3 yrs my life has been given back to me & it is so wonderful, but I see how dependent Chris is on me & at his age it is way past the time for it to have stopped. When Joey was coming up I was much healthier & I had firm rules for him & boundaries. He used to call me The Dragon. After my Revision I felt so good cuz Joey told his brother, The Dragon is back. He moved out when he was only 16. He moved in with my parents. Joey got like this from being overly dependent on my parents & Chris is like this from being overly dependent on me. It kills me cuz I knew better & didn't make these mistakes with Joey.
Life circumstances are what caused this to happen & instead of being down on myself cuz of what happened I have to do everything I can so Chris stands on his own 2 feet. Joey is back in jail & if my parents are truly done enabling him, I know oneday he will find his way. At least that is what I pray for. With Chris & I being so involved cuz he is a single parent I have to handle things differently.
I just needed to vent & let off some steam........thank you all for listening.
Diane
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Old 10-20-2008, 09:48 AM
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oh, how I know the feeling! You are not alone.

susan
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Old 10-20-2008, 11:38 AM
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rozied
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Thanx Susan, There is an old saying my dad uses " Too soon old, too late smart " I know it is not too late but alot of these problems could have been avoided. BUT like I said ( if I may borrow a line from Lennon ) Life is what happens when your busy making other plans>
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Old 10-20-2008, 12:02 PM
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Even though you may have made mistakes with Chris (and who hasn't made them with their children), there comes a time in every adult's life when they must take responsibility for themselves. I grew up in an alcoholic home, but I have never blamed my parents for my mistakes or tried to make them feel responsible for me. Chris may be playing on your guilt because he knows that he can get away with it. The good news is that it is never too late to change the things that are making you feel uncomfortable in your relationship with your son. You don't have to make big changes but small ones are effective too. Start with the respect part. Draw some boundaries on what you will and will not accept from him. It may take time but things will improve when you decide that you will let him dislike you for a while. I know it is not easy but I believe that change starts with us. Hugs, Marle

p.s. Stop being so hard on yourself. You did the best you could. And Chris is not the only spoiled rotten brat in the world
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Old 10-20-2008, 12:34 PM
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Thank you so much Marle, I am at the point where I'd don't care if he likes me or not. It is for his own good that changes must be made. He cannot go on living his life being so dependent on me. The fact that I let it go on for this long is what is upsetting me, though I also know I cannot change the past and it is what I do know that counts.
You know once a child is used to hearing yes they quack like crazy when you start saying no, and I say no alot lately. I just want both my sons to have happy productive lives and at their age it is loooong past time.
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Old 10-20-2008, 12:42 PM
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rozied,
I agree with marle. I hear alot of blaming on your part. Remember those 3 C's.....

I remember a time when every little or big thing any of my kids did, or failed to do; I felt reflected on my performance as a parent...not that I was ashamed of them but I felt responsible for not being a better mom. Now I realize that what my kids do and perhaps have done past the their preteen years....is a reflection of their own choices, not mine.

I am now at a place where I can say: "I am a good mom, I raised my kids with all the love and care that I had to offer, now the rest is up to them."

You are a good mom, rozied- it's obvious how much you care for your sons.

For me it was all about letting them go and cutting the apron strings that I had kept tied between my _heart & mind_ and their _actions & decisions_. I gave my all as a mom...as have so many of us here; and alot of what has happened was not on my agenda for them.

It took until my sons were in their mid 20's for me to accept them as the grown men they are. I still have some momentary slips, but I will never, never stop caring about them and we remain as close as ever but there is a healthy distance between us now that wasn't there before I found some recovery.

Chris' HP is looking out for him and as a mom I also understand how hard it is to watch someone struggle, but like the butterfly waiting to emerge from it's cocoon- nobody can help in the process of growing up except for that person themself.

It is for his own good that changes must be made. He cannot go on living his life being so dependent on me.
It's good to know you are taking action and making changes, nice work mom.
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Old 10-20-2008, 01:29 PM
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(((Rozied)))
The past is the past and even though you know you did a few things wrong (I mean we all do) it doesn't mean you can't start doing things different now.

I think I spoiled my one daughter way to much. I also enabled her for a long time not knowing she was an addict. She even told me in rehav with the therapist that I always said yes to her. Now she is 38 not exactly a little kid but I feel she is immature in many things and very mature in other things.
After rehab, I started saying no, no. no. It don't think it was easy for her to hear it but guess what, she knew I wasn't going to weaken now. And I have SR to thank for that strength and the people here and their posts!

Now as you know were having this little phone problem, I guess she was gonna have her way an she did. But everything else she accepted as an adult even if she bulked at it. I have plenty of day I feel like I failed her as a parent making her tuffer. But I think she is learning, a little late maybe but there is hope.
I mean she has been out on her own for years and made it. I mean no bank account savings which is what I would want for her. But hopefully she will get it.
Don't give up, your a good mom, kids are all different and thats just the way it is. (((HUGS)))
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Old 10-20-2008, 01:29 PM
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rozied
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Thank you CMC for your input. It is so good we can come here to SR & vent our feelings & have other moms give their opinion. Sometimes other people see things we cannot see ourselves because we are too close.
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Old 10-20-2008, 01:42 PM
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I don't think you have made mistakes rozied~~I think that the kids as grown-ups make choices that just aren't right for themselves. THen~~we, as moms, blame ourselves for their shortcomings. Big hugs to you and I hope tomorrow brings you a happier day. Smiles, BOnnie
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Old 10-20-2008, 02:39 PM
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rozied
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Thanks Bonnie, I know I didn't cause their problems but my illnesses, made it impossible for me to parent the way I wanted to. ( and needed to )
They are both adults now & their choices are theirs.
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Old 10-20-2008, 03:06 PM
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Hey rozied, If its any consulation~and I know it won't be~~But I screwed up big time with Chris. I was enabling him for a few years after he left our house cause I had no clue he was into drugs. I just thought I was being the helpful mom. After I started therapy and learned about codependancy I cried for hours. I should have let my husband father him in the way he wanted too and maybe we would have had this licked years ago. Who knows ?? Thats the problem. We can't dwell on what we did but we can make it better for ourselves now. Big hugs sweety~ Bonnie
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Old 10-21-2008, 05:36 AM
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Thanxs Bonnie. I know we cannot change the past. It is what we do now that counts.
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