I need to support and not enable... Any advice?

Old 10-19-2008, 06:11 PM
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I need to support and not enable... Any advice?

HI All. I'm new to this site and I'm here to try to support my live in boyfriend of 9 yrs whom I plan on marrying eventually. He's a recovering (so he tells me) oxycontin and pain killer addict who has been using for 3 years. He went through a week of an inpatient detox but has not been to any suppport groups or counseling since then. He claims that first he was using because he liked the mental feeling of being high but then it escalated to purely a physical addiction and was using because he was scared of withdrawl. He has been clean (so he says) for about a month.

I put those doubting comments in parentheses because I suspect he may be relapsing or on the verge of. He has certain ticks and a look in his eye when he uses and he has been extremely stressed out from a surprise 30th bday party he had planned for me that didn't work out as he wanted and he ended up losing a lot of money and being disappointed in friends from this party. He has gone to see his Dr. to renew his suboxone script, of which he was no longer taking because he said he didn't need it anymore. BUT I counted the pill s in the bottle and he has not taken any yet.

My reason for posting here is because I have seen that look in his eye and he keeps claiming that my party has stressed him out so much that he has felt like using and that's why he went back to the Dr. He started smoking more pot than usual and I think it's to compensate for the urges to the oxy's again. He gets very angry at me when I try to confront him and makes me feel like it's almost my fault for him being stressed because of my party.

I realize that throughout his drug use I have been a very strong enabler...
I've believed his lies although I knew they were all a bunch of huge Bull and I gave him money thinking it was for other things... He has been out of work since February because he use ended up taking over.

He was doing really well when he first left detox and talking about how when he reaches 6 months clean he wants to go back and be a speaker to those who are in detox and trying to recover. He doesn't speak like that anymore and I feel like the stress from my party has knoocked him down to where he was - or close to it....

I have been with him for almost 9 years... I'm 30 yrs old and he is 32 and I don't want to leave him because I know the person he is when he is sober and I know he will go back to that person... I just need to know what I can do to support and NOT ENABLE him... Now I am no angel myself and have had my fair share of partying so I know when someone is not sober...

Sorry about the long post... I needed to get it all out. If any one has any advice other than leaving him, I would appreciate it.
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Old 10-19-2008, 06:57 PM
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(((Bella)))

First of all, nothing you do can make him use. The 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't change it.

Just so you know, I'm a recovering addict, but also a recovering codie (codependent) who has been in relationships with 3 A's (addicts). I know both sides of the fence.

Your gut is telling you he's using, and I would go with your gut. It won't do any good to confront him, because even if you catch him red-handed, he will probably make up something or just deny it.

Another thing is, don't just assume he WILL go back to being a clean/sober person, the one you fell in love with. There is no such guarantee with addiction.

The best thing I can recommend is finding al-anon or nar-anon meetings and reading books about codepency. Melodie Beattie's "codependent no more" is an awesome place to start.

And as far as your party stressing him out so much? I'm sorry, but this is just an excuse. I was robbed at work 2 weeks ago...had gun stuck to the base of my head, then was hit in the head with a gun, requiring staples in my head. My coworkers/friends were also hurt. I wanted to use, I won't deny it. But I wanted recovery more, so I came home and reached out to friends on SR.

If he truly wants recovery he will find it. The only thing that helped ME, was for the people who loved me to let me hit my bottom and figure out how to pick myself up. I knew they loved me, but they did NOT give me money, or a roof over my head as long as I was using.

Whether you stay with him, or not, is your choice. Just remember, you have the right to determine what you will and will not tolerate in your life.

One more piece of advice....trust his ACTIONS, not his words. If he is using, his actions will show it, and I think you've already figured this one out.

Stick around...there are some wonderful people here with ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-19-2008, 07:52 PM
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grrr... I just wrote a whole response to your great advice, Amy and it didn' post!

Basically, what I said is that I need to go to my own Nar-anon meetings because there are control issues that I need to deal with and issues that I have not gotten over fromthe lies that he used to tell me.

He says that my accusations, although I feel are valid due to his past, are a negative source in his recovery and that I am bringing his positive outlook down in his dealing with his "now". Ever since he told me about his urges to use again I have gotten paranoid in him relasping and bringing up a lot of things he's done in the past. Which he says I need to stop doing...

Thanks again for all your advice and I will keep you updated. THere was a lot more that I wrote but unfortunately didn't post...
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Old 10-19-2008, 08:49 PM
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I HATE when my posts get lost in cyberspace.

When I relapsed, almost 20 months ago, and got into recovery, I struggled with some of what he's talking about. I am living with my dad/stepmom/niece, and my dad was very agnry with me (and rightly so). He would also throw things from my past at me, and at first I just let it go.

However, after a few months of working hard at my job, being where I said I was going to be, when I said I would be, paying bills, and being totally responsible, he got mad about something that had nothing to do with me and brought up my past. THEN, I said "that's who I was, and what I did...that's not me today, and I have already apologized" and it's never been brought up again.

BUT, if he even has an inkling that I'm using, I'm out of the house. He doesn't need proof. He has boundaries and I have to respect that.

The rare times I have thought of using, I've never told my dad until AFTER the fact because I know the fear that would cause him, and I've put him through enough. That's why I have my friends in recovery...all of them here I have family that loves me, but they are unable to support me in certain ways only another RA (recovering addict) can, because they don't understand addiction. Unless you've lived through it, you can't understand. Heck I lived through it and I still don't understand how I could have been so stupid, but I was.

If you can't find nar-anon meetings, look for al-anon...there are usually more of them and you will get the same kind of support. I also had to deal with MY codie issues as I was big on trying to control people/things.

SR is great, but f2f support is an added bonus.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:17 PM
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Thanks again, Amy.
It means a lot to me that people are so willing to share their own experiences and pains and gains to help others.
In my lost in space post, I also said how scary it must've been for you to go through the robbery at work and how much stronger you must feel having gotten through that. And congratulations for reaching 20 months!

I know that my bf has been struggling with being able to find work and he doesn't want to be financially dependent on me because it doesn't help his self-esteem and it frustrates him... seeing that frustration also, again, makes me paranoid that he will turn to using. I need to learn when and how to voice my concerns to him because I think I end up just frustrating him more and bringing him down because even just tonight, in between these posts, he told me that my lack of faith in him hurts him and makes him doubt himself.

I have already searched out some nar-anon and al-anon meetings in my area and plan on calling them tomorrow. My best friend from childhood until now who also knows my bf very well, is also in recovery and goes to meetings several times a week and has just passed her 13 month mark, has said that he is already hard on himself that he doesn't need me to be hard on him either. She has offered to take both him and I to meetings either separate or together. It's nice knowing that there are so many people out there, like yourself, who are able to take what was once a weakness and turn it into a positive force to help others in need.
Thank you again.

God Bless.

ps. I love that Joyce miller quote!
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:26 PM
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That is awesome about your friend! My personal recommendations is go to separate meetings, unless he requests you to go to one with him. Some people want someone to go with them at first, but you'll both be able to open up more if you go to your own meetings. There were things I said in meetings that I would never want my family to hear, usually "I want to use".

We addicts ARE hard on ourselves, and I'm sure not working is making it worse on him. Just remember, though, you, too, have a lot of feelings to work out and yours are just as valid. I guess the one saying that I like, in this situation is "say what you mean, but don't say it mean".

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:40 PM
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ps. seeing your kitty made me want to put a pic of my kitty up! (I hope it worked)

Thanks again.
God Bless!
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:54 PM
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Okay, now MY posts are getting lost in cyberspace. Then I couldn't find this thread for several minutes?

Anyway, I think it's great you have a friend in recovery. I would suggest you and he go to your own meetings, although he may want you to go to a couple with him at first. You can be much more open about your feelings that way.

We RA's DO beat up on ourselves pretty bad, but just remember..you're feelings are valid, too. That's why it helps to have some support outside the relationship.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:55 PM
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now it double posted....I think I've got gremlins in the computer!! My cat's name is Elvis, and I could blame HIM for the computer acting screwy, but he's not around at the moment
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Old 10-20-2008, 04:28 AM
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Bella,
I'm struggling with the same thing.. when do you draw the line between supporting and enabling and boy have I been a big enabler and bad habits are hard to break..

I'm so happy that you are wanting to attend some meetings.. YOU need to go to these meetings and work YOUR OWN program and let you bf find his own path in recovery.

Like Amy said, I would go with your gut.. mine is never wrong. I always know when my AH has relapsed.. don't know how I know but I just do. If your BF is not working a program or at least getting some kind of counseling, he will relaps if he has not already.. Heck, my AH was attending NA meetings and picking up keytags and all the while he was using... It's frustrating as heck but the further I get with my program the more I have learned to detatch and to work on my stuff.. Focus on what you can change and accept what you cannot change..

Your BF sounds a lot like my AH.. I think he wants to get clean but right now it's a lot easier for him to get high or to find an excuse to get high (like your bday party) then it is to work a program. A RA that is a friend of my AH's family told me that sometimes it takes a few tries for the addict to stay sober..Recovery is a lot more then just not using.. its a lifelong journey..

I'm glad to see that you are taking care of you.. I remember your first post and I have been wondering how you have been doing ever since..

Hugs

Jen
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