Slowly losing Him!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
Slowly losing Him!
i need some ADVICE! please help.
My boyfriend of about a year went to rehab for an addiction to painkillers and somas. He did very well at the place and has moved to a better environment with relatives that live 5 hours away. He originally lived only down the road from me and we were together all the time. Now it has been about a month since he went away and we hardly ever talk. He can text me, but he doesnt. He keeps his responses short if he does reply. I went to go see him for a weekend but he was distant and didnt feel well and apologized for not feeling well right before i left. I know he loves me and wants to stay together through this and he told me once we get through this it will make us stronger. However, i feel like im slowly losing him. I love him. He is my soulmate and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but I dont know how to get through this. After reading these threads i realized i needed to not call or text him so much and to give him space and let him come talk to me when he is ready. But it is just so hard. All i do is cry to my friends and try to get them to distract me. But he is my bestfriend and everything is so boring without him. I want to be the best girlfriend for him right now but I feel like im being selfish. I just dont know what I should do so that I dont want to push him away or lose him. HELP!
I just dont know what to do.
My boyfriend of about a year went to rehab for an addiction to painkillers and somas. He did very well at the place and has moved to a better environment with relatives that live 5 hours away. He originally lived only down the road from me and we were together all the time. Now it has been about a month since he went away and we hardly ever talk. He can text me, but he doesnt. He keeps his responses short if he does reply. I went to go see him for a weekend but he was distant and didnt feel well and apologized for not feeling well right before i left. I know he loves me and wants to stay together through this and he told me once we get through this it will make us stronger. However, i feel like im slowly losing him. I love him. He is my soulmate and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but I dont know how to get through this. After reading these threads i realized i needed to not call or text him so much and to give him space and let him come talk to me when he is ready. But it is just so hard. All i do is cry to my friends and try to get them to distract me. But he is my bestfriend and everything is so boring without him. I want to be the best girlfriend for him right now but I feel like im being selfish. I just dont know what I should do so that I dont want to push him away or lose him. HELP!
I just dont know what to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm sorry for your situation but you are wise to reach out. The best thing that I know to do in this situation is to get involved with Alanon or Naranon. Read all the sticky's at the top of this forum.....read the Melody Beattie books.
Hope that things get better for you!
Hope that things get better for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I don't know how long you've been with him, or how long drugs have been in the picture, but I can tell you recovery can be a pretty selfish journey, but a necessary one.
I'm a recovering addict, and recovering codie (codependent). I've been on both sides of the fence, and neither one is easy. When I got into recovery from my addiction, I had to learn a whole new way of dealing with life. It was at the same time I realized what a codie I was.
All of a sudden I had to learn how to deal with feelings and not a
numb them with drugs, or b distract myself with worrying about other people's problems.
The best advice I can give is let him work on his recovery and try to find things you enjoy doing. I'm not saying give up on him, but any relationship is much better when both people are happy with their OWN lives and not looking to the other to make their life complete.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't know how long you've been with him, or how long drugs have been in the picture, but I can tell you recovery can be a pretty selfish journey, but a necessary one.
I'm a recovering addict, and recovering codie (codependent). I've been on both sides of the fence, and neither one is easy. When I got into recovery from my addiction, I had to learn a whole new way of dealing with life. It was at the same time I realized what a codie I was.
All of a sudden I had to learn how to deal with feelings and not a
numb them with drugs, or b distract myself with worrying about other people's problems.The best advice I can give is let him work on his recovery and try to find things you enjoy doing. I'm not saying give up on him, but any relationship is much better when both people are happy with their OWN lives and not looking to the other to make their life complete.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
thanks. we have been together almost a year and drugs were a part of life for three or four years before we met. i am not going to give up on him, i just think i should give him space and let him work everything out on his own. then, when he is ready, he will contact me. I HOPE.... 
i just am not doing well with the whole waiting thing. i miss him so much but i want the best for him and i know that if we can get through this together then we will be even stronger than before and he told me he felt the same way...
i am just worrying that ill lose him or push him away. i even worry that once he is farther along with his recovery that he might not feel the same way about me that he did when he was on drugs... however when he would go days without drugs, he seemed to feel the same way and still told me the same things... i just worry.
im being so silly but im trying to be strong...
i just miss him so much and want him to come home and i cant wait till we can start our life together again.
i just am not doing well with the whole waiting thing. i miss him so much but i want the best for him and i know that if we can get through this together then we will be even stronger than before and he told me he felt the same way...i am just worrying that ill lose him or push him away. i even worry that once he is farther along with his recovery that he might not feel the same way about me that he did when he was on drugs... however when he would go days without drugs, he seemed to feel the same way and still told me the same things... i just worry.
im being so silly but im trying to be strong...
i just miss him so much and want him to come home and i cant wait till we can start our life together again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with giving him his space. Despite that he has gone days without using, it is not the same as recovery. I could went over a YEAR without using, but didn't change my addict thinking.
If you two are going to work on a relationship, you may have to start at the beginning. I am nowhere NEAR the same person I was when I was using, and I'm sure most addicts in recovery are the same way.
I would seriously start learning about codependency if I were you. As Lightseeker mentioned, Melodie Beattie has some great books about it, one of the best (I think) is "codependent no more".
When we cling to a relationship with someone who is an addict, or otherwise emotionally unavailable (and I promise you, when we're using, no matter WHAT we say, we are not emotionally available), then it usually indicates something in our thinking that we can "fix" him, or that we deserve this kind of relationship.
I'm not saying a relationship can't work. I just know that the more you work on YOU, and let him work on HIM, the better off you will both be, together or not.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
If you two are going to work on a relationship, you may have to start at the beginning. I am nowhere NEAR the same person I was when I was using, and I'm sure most addicts in recovery are the same way.
I would seriously start learning about codependency if I were you. As Lightseeker mentioned, Melodie Beattie has some great books about it, one of the best (I think) is "codependent no more".
When we cling to a relationship with someone who is an addict, or otherwise emotionally unavailable (and I promise you, when we're using, no matter WHAT we say, we are not emotionally available), then it usually indicates something in our thinking that we can "fix" him, or that we deserve this kind of relationship.
I'm not saying a relationship can't work. I just know that the more you work on YOU, and let him work on HIM, the better off you will both be, together or not.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
yeah he recently went through rehab for his addiction. im just worried that he wont have to same feelings he used to... im just worried ill lose him.
but i understood from the beginning that he was not always emotionally available and i was ok with that because i understand. im just trying to be the best girlfriend i can be for him. and i just picked up the book you mentioned and im going to start reading it tonight.
but i understood from the beginning that he was not always emotionally available and i was ok with that because i understand. im just trying to be the best girlfriend i can be for him. and i just picked up the book you mentioned and im going to start reading it tonight.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
I texted him again today...
it has been three days and i still have not heard from him!!!
i am going crazy here i feel like he wants to push me away yet his last message from him said that he loved me and missed me... but i cant handle him ignoring my phone calls and my texts...
he even reads my email but does not respond to them!!!!
what to i do what should i thnk is going on???
HELP!
it has been three days and i still have not heard from him!!!
i am going crazy here i feel like he wants to push me away yet his last message from him said that he loved me and missed me... but i cant handle him ignoring my phone calls and my texts...
he even reads my email but does not respond to them!!!!
what to i do what should i thnk is going on???
HELP!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
OH GOD!
i just got a message from someone close to him that told me he wont be coming home... that he will be moving 5 or 3 hours away!
he still has not contacted me but i talk to his family and they say he is doing great. but i dont know if he is doing this to me to push me away or what but i cant handle it.
im falling apart.
he is the love of my life and we are perfect for eachother and when we are together we are perfect. i just dont understand why this is happening...
is he pushing me away or what???
i went through so much with him and did so much for him i dont understnad why he is doing this!!!
i cant lose him... i cant!
i just got a message from someone close to him that told me he wont be coming home... that he will be moving 5 or 3 hours away!
he still has not contacted me but i talk to his family and they say he is doing great. but i dont know if he is doing this to me to push me away or what but i cant handle it.
im falling apart.
he is the love of my life and we are perfect for eachother and when we are together we are perfect. i just dont understand why this is happening...
is he pushing me away or what???
i went through so much with him and did so much for him i dont understnad why he is doing this!!!
i cant lose him... i cant!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I read your post. My heart just breaks for you because there is nothing you can do to make someone do anything. You could not stop him from using and nothing you do or say will make him come back if he doesn't want to.
IMHO you sound so desperate. Maybe he senses that and it scares him. He cannot be responsible for your happiness, noone can. It is up to you to make yourself happy. Before you are ready to be a partner to someone else, you must be a complete person on your own. Have you ever heard the saying " If you want something very, very badly let it go free. If it comes back to you it is yours forever. If it doesn't it was never yours to begin with."
Honey you have to stop obsessing over this guy. If he hears the desperation in your voice it will scare him away. He has enough to deal with taking care of himself. He cannot be responsible for you & your happiness. You cannot put such a burden on another person. Noone is responsible for your happiness but you. You must use this time alone to find yourself. You must make a good life for yourself, by yourself.
How old are you? Do you live alone? Are you educated? What kind of life do you have on your own? You cannot share your life with anyone and expect it to work until you are a complete individual on your own. Believe me I am not being harsh. I once was like you many yrs ago. It was only after I made my life something wonderful all by myself that I found someone to share it with because I wanted someone.........I didn't need someone. There is a big difference.
Keep yourself busy. Use this time alone to make yourself into the best you you can be. Then and only then will you be ready to share your life with someone. Maybe it will be him & maybe it won't, noone knows the future.
Don't allow your happiness to depend on whether this guy calls you or not. You cannot make someone be there the way you think they should be. Give him space to be the best person he can be, especially when he is working on recovery from addiction. He has enough to deal with in taking care of himself.
Take care of yourself and your own needs. Then if he does come back you'll be ready to be an equal partner, not someone who is so emotionally needy that its suffocating.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
IMHO you sound so desperate. Maybe he senses that and it scares him. He cannot be responsible for your happiness, noone can. It is up to you to make yourself happy. Before you are ready to be a partner to someone else, you must be a complete person on your own. Have you ever heard the saying " If you want something very, very badly let it go free. If it comes back to you it is yours forever. If it doesn't it was never yours to begin with."
Honey you have to stop obsessing over this guy. If he hears the desperation in your voice it will scare him away. He has enough to deal with taking care of himself. He cannot be responsible for you & your happiness. You cannot put such a burden on another person. Noone is responsible for your happiness but you. You must use this time alone to find yourself. You must make a good life for yourself, by yourself.
How old are you? Do you live alone? Are you educated? What kind of life do you have on your own? You cannot share your life with anyone and expect it to work until you are a complete individual on your own. Believe me I am not being harsh. I once was like you many yrs ago. It was only after I made my life something wonderful all by myself that I found someone to share it with because I wanted someone.........I didn't need someone. There is a big difference.
Keep yourself busy. Use this time alone to make yourself into the best you you can be. Then and only then will you be ready to share your life with someone. Maybe it will be him & maybe it won't, noone knows the future.
Don't allow your happiness to depend on whether this guy calls you or not. You cannot make someone be there the way you think they should be. Give him space to be the best person he can be, especially when he is working on recovery from addiction. He has enough to deal with in taking care of himself.
Take care of yourself and your own needs. Then if he does come back you'll be ready to be an equal partner, not someone who is so emotionally needy that its suffocating.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey (((LG))))
You met and began a relationship with this guy while he was actively addicted. Now he is fighting to get clean. Perhaps he feels that your relationship supported his addiction. Maybe what was perfect for you is poison for him.
I know this might sound kinda harsh but, make no mistake addiction is harsh.
Many of us here have been in a similar spot as you. Many of us wish our addicts would just go away I am sure. You must look for the blessing in this accept the gift that it is.
Be gentle with yourself love yourself take a course, find a new hobby or, go to support group meetings believe me this guy is doing you a favor!!!
You met and began a relationship with this guy while he was actively addicted. Now he is fighting to get clean. Perhaps he feels that your relationship supported his addiction. Maybe what was perfect for you is poison for him.
I know this might sound kinda harsh but, make no mistake addiction is harsh.
Many of us here have been in a similar spot as you. Many of us wish our addicts would just go away I am sure. You must look for the blessing in this accept the gift that it is.
Be gentle with yourself love yourself take a course, find a new hobby or, go to support group meetings believe me this guy is doing you a favor!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
an addict has to put there program first. that is the most important thing if they want to stay clean & sober. is he going to meetings? are you going to meetings? this program works if you work it. i am glad you have found us. stay with us. give him his space & you work on yourself & your recovery. we r all here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 19
thanks so much!
i am just taking one day at a time and im slowly starting to feel like a stronger person and i am hoping for the best that he will stay with me through this and not end it... but if he does... i think (IN TIME) i will be ok.
i have been reading books and i got a second job as well as going to school. its hard for me because we had so many plans and just to know that they could all just fall apart is scary. but i know that whatever happens will happen for a reason....
im just going to keep breathing and take one day at a time because if he does leave me then i know that IN TIME i will be stronger and that someone out there is waiting for me. but i just want that someone to be him. i dont need it to be him. i realized i dont NEED him... but i WANT him.
i am just taking one day at a time and im slowly starting to feel like a stronger person and i am hoping for the best that he will stay with me through this and not end it... but if he does... i think (IN TIME) i will be ok.
i have been reading books and i got a second job as well as going to school. its hard for me because we had so many plans and just to know that they could all just fall apart is scary. but i know that whatever happens will happen for a reason....
im just going to keep breathing and take one day at a time because if he does leave me then i know that IN TIME i will be stronger and that someone out there is waiting for me. but i just want that someone to be him. i dont need it to be him. i realized i dont NEED him... but i WANT him.
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