SadlyLost

...and he doesn't think I have a valid reason to be upset?

He says that its not his and its going to his work (he works in a lounge and he was the last guy there for tip out so they gave him his coworkers part too)and he choose not to tell me about it because it has nothing to do with me and I have no right to question him about it because it's none of my business. He has been clean almost 3 months and claims that I have no right to know about this.

So now he is pissed and on the defensive cause I refuse to back down. Not that I don't believe him, because that can easily be resolved if I have any questions, but the reasoning behind it. Seriously, he hid it on top of the kitchen cabinets where he knew for sure I would never look (I am 5'2, he is 6'3..the only reason I looked is I saw something else up there that looked weird). Am I in the wrong?

Impurrfect

(((Sadlylost)))

I won't say you're overreacting, as I don't know your history with him, but I do think you may be fighting a losing battle.

When arguing with an addict, it doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong. They only see their point of view and get defensive if their challenged. I know....I'm a recovering addict.

If you've set a boundary about money, then follow through. If you haven't, maybe you need to?

I'm sorry. I've been on both sides of the fence..as the addict and someone who loves an addict. I've found that arguing with the A just gets me more frustrated. I know I'm right, but he will never admit it, so I have to just let it go.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

A couple of weeks ago my daughter who has almost 5 months clean off opiates decided that she could drink. Now when I saw her the next day I knew that she had been drinking. There is no mistaking alcohol breath. She swore up and down that she was not drinking, even offered to take a test to prove it. After talking to the bf I found out for sure that she was drinking. My point to the story is that addicts lie. You can call the place where he works and find out and if he is lieing you can confront him. But I would guess that he would still lie and then turn it around so that you were the one in the wrong for asking, checking up and not trusting him. If it doesn't jive, it doesn't jive. Trust your gut. Hugs, Marle

lovesmenot74

My guess would be that the issue moreso than the money is the trust, right? He's violated your trust before and hiding the money feels like more of the same? I know that is what I was always fighting with my ex about ... TRUST ... he wanted me to trust him but never gave me any reason to trust him. He never tried to rebuild trust after getting caught in a lie ... he just hid things better.

Unfortunately, I came to realize that the only thing I could always count on from him was that he would disappoint me.

In my opinion, even if he isn't lying, being defensive and hiding things from you would indicate that he's not willing to be an open book ... and in my eyes, if you have nothing to hide, there is no reason NOT to be an open book. I was always open with my ex ... he always hid things from me and yet wanted me to trust him. How is that possible?

I don't think you're in the wrong ... I think that maybe your expectation is that he shouldn't be hiding things from you, and I personally think that you have every right to expect that.

jerect

Amen Sister...

The only results that I get from arguing with my AH is frustration and the whole thing turned around to make it look like it's my fault. Arguing with an addict in active addiction is like arguing with a two year old.. it will get you know where.

Since I don't know your story, it's hard to say if you are overreacting or not. I will tell you this though.. I recently found money that my AH hid from me, money that would have been so helpful in putting food on the table or paying a bill. He made up some story about how it belonged to a co worker.. three days later a bottle of pills turn up.. AH has no idea where they came from. I guess the pill fairy dropped them off while we were asleep.

Was I mad.. Helk yes!!! I was mad because I hate being lied to but I know better then to argue anymore.. for right now I choose to mind my own business and to live and let live. My AH is going to do what he is going to do.

Like lovesmenot just posted before me, the issue was more about trust then the money he lied to me about. My AH is a waiter, so he gets paid in cash every night. I know that he is making more then what he is bringing home to me in order to pay the bills. The trust thing really bothers me the most. When an adict is using you cannot trust them, they will lie, cheat and steal and when you question them about it then you are the crazy one.

You know, I can accept that my AH is a drug addict, I can accept that he choses to numb his emotions with pills rather then facing realtiy.. what I can't accept is being lied to.. I think thats what hurts the most.

I'm not saying that you AH is using again, hopefully he is not.. however he is only three months clean and that is so early in recovery. He may not be using but he may still have alot of his addictive ways as part of his character.. the lies, the sneakiness and getting on the defensive all the time If he is using you will find out soon enough.. his actions will tell on himself.

SadlyLost

Thanks everyone.

And to clarify, yes the trust was the issue here. I am pretty positive he isn't using, and in that regards I am very proud of him. However, as jerect just mentioned, he still has a lot of the behaviors and they can drive me nuts.

The coworker called and asked him to drop off the money at the lounge so I know that wasn't a lie, but why hide it? He did apologize though, much later, but still he realized how he was acting. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting or running back to a codie/controlling behavior.