What did you do to grieve a relationship?

Old 10-19-2008, 11:31 AM
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What did you do to grieve a relationship?

I do not want my X-husband back. (20 year emotionally abusive relationship with an alcoholic..divorced 3 months) I am glad I am moving forward, albeit slowly. But I am just stuck with something from/about the relationship and am having trouble stopping myself from thinking about the X.

I think about him because he keeps doing crappy things that hurt the kids, and sometimes hurt me (like being weeks late with child support every month, refusing to answer emails concerning the kids, putting his sex life in front of spending time with the kids) and I am thinking about those issues and how to handle them. I know I need to stop this obsession and letting him continue to take up space in my head. I know I need to accept he is probably going to behave poorly, and my counselor suggests expecting the worst.

My counselor thinks I need to finish grieving. I have no idea what she means, other than images of women wailing in sack cloth and ashes.

What does grieving mean to you? How did you grieve?
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:52 AM
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I grieve the fact that I allowed myself to be sucked in by an illusion. That's the big sadness that I allowed myself to be treated that way
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:57 AM
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I dont know how ive grieved, I dont know how Ive made it this long or this far. I do know im not through grieving, its like my X died, or the part I loved died, i mean how do you get through someone dying, you dont really , it just gets easier with time and you learn to just accept everything. I just take one day at a time. Some days im ok and some days i want to snap. I think everyone deals with things their own way and there no one way that everybody grieves.
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Old 10-19-2008, 12:28 PM
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I worked with a therapist who was reeeaalllly good at grief issues, and so I often asked him for concrete things I could do to help the process forward. You might ask yours to elaborate on this.

Some of the things I did were
  • writing morning pages (from The Artist's Way)
  • making a list of the good things and the bad things that had come of my relationship, to get clear on everything
  • thinking about things that felt missing in my life, and doubling my efforts to find them in other places
  • crying when I felt like it, even if I "wasn't supposed to"
  • doing things that involved physical exertion, which usually brought me to a more peaceful state
  • reading recovery material on grieving, like this: Grieving process: What's normal? - MayoClinic.com
  • identifying the things that I was grieving, and trying to help OTHERS get through similar situations

Any material on grieving can be helpful to you, chrysalis. Wherever something talks about the "loved one" you lost, just substitute in your mind the "loved one" that was whatever thing you thought you had in your marriage before all of this began.

The good thing about this, truly? Unlike someone who has died, which is kinda final, it is very possible - even likely - that you will be able to bring your happiness and joy back from the "grave." It's not gone, it's just been sleeping.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-19-2008, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Chrysalis123 View Post
...What does grieving mean to you? How did you grieve?
The way it works for me is that "grieving" is just another word for "healing". I received a great deal of emotional injuries as a result of my ex-wife's behavior. Some of those injuries were because she betrayed my trust, others were my own fault because I continued to believe in a fantasy long after it was over.

To heal means to "repair". What I needed to repair in _my_ life started with my need for a fantasy life. I had become addicted to what I _hoped_ my marriage was, and therefore blinded myself to what was _real_. I started with the 12 steps of al-anon, and modified them a little to fit my needs.

1- Admited that I am powerless over my fantasies, and that my life has become unmanageable.

I "worked" the 12 steps of al-anon just like alkies "work" their steps. I did a "fearless and thorough" inventory to figure out why I had such a deep fear of losing a bad marriage, and shared it with my sponsor. I spent a lot of time doing things that I was unable to do during my marriage, like I rented a small apartment by myself and enjoyed the _peace_. I stopped isolating and got involved in the local recovery groups. Went to art fairs and watched the sun set from a hill in a local park. I got a job that I _liked_ instead of one that paid a lot of money. I exercise and take real good care of my health. I do all the things for _me_ that I was always doing for _her_.

There were a lot of good times in my marriage, it wasn't all bad. We had a hugely busy life when we first got married so we devoted one evening a week to be "date nite". No cell phones, no kids, no interruptions. Just us. And we always had it at the same restaurant. After the divorce I couldn't even think of that restaurant without crying.

so I force myself to drive by. Not to go in. Just drive by. And think of the _good_ times we had, and be grateful to my HP for the good times. Not the bad. Eventually I was able to park outside, and later I could walk in, and then I was able to have just a soda. then I took a book and just read while I had lunch.

Little by little I replaced the pain with memories of the good times we had. Today I _love_ that restaurant. It is filled with _good_ memories for me. I have taken most of my new friends there, and I take _me_ out to lunch there once a week with a good book. No cell phones, no sponsees, no interuptions.

I've done the same thing with my whole life. Everything that caused me pain I have replaced with newer, happy memories. It was four years ago this month that my marriage fell apart, and with it my world. Today I have a whole new life that is not only happy and wonderful, it is free of fantasies. I've got a cute little condo with a window that faces out onto some grass and a tree (that's a big deal in Vegas, believe me!!! ), a great job that I love, tons of friends, and even a fantastic relationship that's going to be a year old next month.

Everything that I lost I have gotten back, in much better quality. I look back and thank my HP for having given me so many good times, and for having gotten me thru the bad times. It's a shame that marriage ended bad, but I'm glad it ended before it got even worse. It doesn't hurt anymore. A little ache now and then, like an old injury that has turned into a touch of arthritis, nothing more.

That's how I grieved, how I healed, and how I made a new life for myself.

Mike
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Old 10-19-2008, 08:54 PM
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Here's how I grieved the end of my relationship with Richard and ultimately his death:

I missed him. I loved him. I hated him. I pitied him. I loved him. I loathed him. I felt nothing. I felt deep compassion for him. I missed him. I loved him. I felt sorry for him. I felt grateful that he led me on a journey of self discovery.

My emotions ran the gamut and changed like the wind. They still do today. I don't know if that's normal. I don't think it matters. It just is.
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:45 PM
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What has worked for me is choosing to live in the present moment - not the past, not the future. I've stopped telling myself I need to grieve, need to get through it, need to let go of a dream, whatever. I just try to live - with all that entails (happiness, grief, laughter, crying) - one day at a time.
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:28 PM
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An Al-Anon therapist told me that grieving is a five step process... it's essentially the same as letting go... hope it helps.

Steps
1. Denial and isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Grief And Stress

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Recovering From Grief

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Sharing your feelings in a safe environment (like Al Anon) is a good way to avoid getting stuck in any stage.
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Old 10-20-2008, 01:23 AM
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One comment about the stages of grief (thanks mama) that I learned is we don't necessarily go through them in order. I've had days where I felt like I was in every stage, at least once, or I would think I was through the anger stage, then go back into denial.

(((Chrysalis)))

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-22-2008, 06:17 PM
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((Chrys)))
Unfortunately, we've all been there....and sometimes we feel guilt for being unable to "get over" someone who never deserved our love in the first place. There is no reason to explain or rationalize why we love, we just do. Same with the grief. No need to explain why we're not over him "yet"....and like FD and Impurrfect say, feelings fluctuate day to day.
What has continued to help me is knowing (and repeating) that grief is a process that needs to be managed. You never "get over" someone's vacancy or death, you learn to put it in it's proper place...you "manage" it. You acknowledge the hurt, loss, etc as valid feelings that we are all entitled to. Who cares what others will think ("is she still missing HIM?").

Allow yourself to be sad, mad, etc. Realize that you learned so much from the experience, though painful. Allow yourself the space to think about him, and accept the thoughts, then "put them away" where they belong when you are finished.

Pretending you are over it will only delay the repair of your mind and heart.

I manage my grief like this.....
When I'm alone at home (controlled environment, not at work, at a meeting, in the car, etc) I allow myself to open my mind and think of my xabf, and how "we left it" unresolved with hateful words and less than loving thoughts.... I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness and desperation, along with pain and remorse. I sit on my bed and cry....sometimes it's 2 minutes....sometimes 10 or 15 minutes.
Then I think rationally about how moving on really will help me, and how much healthier I already am without him. I think about my good friends, my pets, the success I am enjoying at work, and the (daydreams) possibilities of meeting a new person who is healthy and ready for a relationship, beyond what my xabf could have ever provided.
Sometimes a mutual friend will bring up his name, or that she "saw him" somewhere, and my stomach starts to turn and I swirl with anxiety, but then I attempt to say in my head that "it's OK to feel this" and acknowledge that these are feelings associated with past codependence, not how I am "needing him" now....
All the self-head shrinking DOES help, in small steps...so I wanted to share with you, to possible lend a hand in the healing process.

Day by day, girlfriend.

: )

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