venting
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
venting
i am having an awful day. and i don't want to keep having this awful life.
no more violence, no more pain, no more..
...people in my life. i just can't take it anymore. i swear to God i'll go crazy if i don't start over.
i come here everyday, write a thread and erase the words.
i am making my own birthday party today. over here we do it in the weekend after sometimes. did the whole thing. called my family but they aren't coming of course. why did i ask? so we're two people in the party, and i just asked my boyfriend to leave for good. he's packing. i can't guaranty he won't ever hit me again, because i can't guaranty i won't shout at him and push him. i know i'm gonna stop him, cuz none of us has a dollar for a cab. sometimes i wonder why i keep wanting to live, just because i deserve a great life!
lol..the word pity party so applies...hahaha, got to laugh mates.
8
i know i'm still gonna have fun today, i always manage to do that. sometimes i dream i am courageous and that saves the day.
no more violence, no more pain, no more..
...people in my life. i just can't take it anymore. i swear to God i'll go crazy if i don't start over. i come here everyday, write a thread and erase the words.
i am making my own birthday party today. over here we do it in the weekend after sometimes. did the whole thing. called my family but they aren't coming of course. why did i ask? so we're two people in the party, and i just asked my boyfriend to leave for good. he's packing. i can't guaranty he won't ever hit me again, because i can't guaranty i won't shout at him and push him. i know i'm gonna stop him, cuz none of us has a dollar for a cab. sometimes i wonder why i keep wanting to live, just because i deserve a great life!
lol..the word pity party so applies...hahaha, got to laugh mates.
8i know i'm still gonna have fun today, i always manage to do that. sometimes i dream i am courageous and that saves the day.
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Nuno, sorry to hear about that. I didn't know your partner was hitting you, that's pretty awful. 
Happy birthday though, that's a great attitude you have - staying positive I mean - have fun today, you deserve it.
Happy birthday though, that's a great attitude you have - staying positive I mean - have fun today, you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Dearest Nuno - Happy birthday....you know, your positive attitude and caring got me thru some of the hardest days in the very beginning of my sobriety...sending that same care and love back to you now....and like Stone said...please don't let anyone hit you.
Big hugs, Jomey
Big hugs, Jomey
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
You've been a good friend to me, and I hate seeing you in pain. Being hit isn't love.You deserve a happy birthday, and a good relationship free of violence.
I know it's hard, but splitting up is probably the healthiest thing for you. You should focus on you hun. Being happy with yourself, not depending on anyone else to do it, is hard work.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you
.
I know it's hard, but splitting up is probably the healthiest thing for you. You should focus on you hun. Being happy with yourself, not depending on anyone else to do it, is hard work.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you
.
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
i decided to share some things. Someone told me the more one talks about something the less important it becomes. It's really important for me to say this.
I didn't know what traumas were. And to me trauma was something i didn't have. And then i realized that it was still happening in my brain, and that means that's what it is.
1) It really bothers me that my parents don't think there's a reason for this. They say it's done, in the past. But in my life it took huge proportions. When i was around 15 i consecutively separated my mother and father too many times. I used to always look for a sound between listening to music in fear of them arguing and me not being there. I was so scared one of them got seriously hurt. I always ran to the living room in great fear. How many times i got hit in the middle, how many times i got slaps on my arms.
You know what hurts? It's all happening again....It used to be on saturday or sunday. And it's all happening again, but now i'm in there. And it's almost 9 years after.
I stood there for hours sometimes. I got completely exhausted. Damn it, i just wish someone would take responsibility and realize that it destroyed me. It's torture to me. Sometimes i repeat the same words. And i still stay there for hours. That's why i forgive him when he beats me, cuz i must say a lot of crap.
2) I fell in depression when i was 16. I don't think i ever fully realized what this did to me. At the time i didn't have a man figure i admired, so i didn't know how to act. Sometimes i think i'm looking for my dad in the men i've been with. This is hard to say, but it's the truth.
So one time in a crowded classroom a guy decided to grab me. I need to say this like it is. I need to share this out loud and move on. He started fingering me and talking to my ear saying that he knew i liked it. I pushed him but he was much stronger, i felt so despaired and screamed. He kept talking and talking near my face and touching me. I don't even understand why would someone do that or how. What hurt most was that my best friends watched that laughing, i don't know if they understood what happened, but none of them helped me.
I was never the same after that. I felt he took something from me. Maybe my innocence, maybe my right to feel free, maybe gave me guilt. I always said that he was the one person i hated in life. And i found out that he had the audacity to talk to my mother on the street and pretend he was my friend. I never understood. He wasn't gay, so why harass me, why do something so sleazy, so unexplainable. And there's no way i can understand that.
I know people who were abused. And i felt ashamed to mention this because of that. And even tough this happened the way it did, that's how it felt to me. Maybe i made too much out of it, but it destroyed me completely.
From that day i fell quickly into a deep depression. Life became a nightmare, and i started sleeping at 9 o'clock and everything seemed so dark. I got more and more guilty cuz i was gay and it felt like it was because of that it happened.
I took my whole life hiding my sexuality and feeling the biggest sinner. I thought God kept punishing me for that. Thankfully one day i decided to be free, i payed my dues because of it. I live in another place now. I don't have money, but i still get to go to school thanks to my dad. He changed a lot. And i think we mended many things. I know he knows i love him, and that made it ok. Everybody makes mistakes. Now i need to over come all of this.
If i failed? Yes, i have. Why? Maybe because i was so dysfunctional. I don't know. Sometimes people ask me why i don't go back home. It's exactly because i can't go back to a place where people have to make the effort to accept me and are ashamed of me. I can't go back to a place i was thrown out even when i was honest. My honesty should have been taken in consideration and it wasn't.
I wouldn't trade my family, cuz they're mine... But it's not a good family. It's actually pretty bad. This ****** me up. No one's ever gonna do anything about it, so i guess it's time for me to fix myself.
I'm 24 years old. I've survived a massive overdose or allergy, and many others. My brain is much slower because of that. The fact i'm alive is a miracle. Almost a year ago i was in a hospital waking up all tied up and wired. All i remembered was a tunnel. Had not my brother came earlier i wouldn't be here. Had he let me sleep i wouldn't be here. 7 years before i was the one to call the ambulance.
(....)
I got a scar of a fork in my back and of a window. One day i got a knife and pointed it to his neck and said if he ever beat me i'd get back. I turned around, walked away and a fork hit my back. What are the odds of the fork hitting from the bad side? This sounds too bad written.
I should have never pushed him.
I sat him down for a long time and told him why i pushed him and what he was doing to me. There are no excuses but he heard me and i could tell he was emotional listening to my pain. He said that people had really ruined my head. I told him he shouldn't have contributed more hurt to me. i don't think he had realized that this wasn't two guys fighting. To me it's much more.
There are good things. I'm back at college. Have some new music projects. Got a natural park behind my house where i can run. i have freakin' bamboo trees in my living room. I have hope i can overcome the past and i hope my future has nothing to do with the past pain. About money i don't know. I am tired of not having it, but i'm sure that will change. I've made many mistakes, but i think that i have a good heart, and that is a good start. the most important is i can change all of this...i just have to make the right decisions.
hugs, Nuno
I didn't know what traumas were. And to me trauma was something i didn't have. And then i realized that it was still happening in my brain, and that means that's what it is.
1) It really bothers me that my parents don't think there's a reason for this. They say it's done, in the past. But in my life it took huge proportions. When i was around 15 i consecutively separated my mother and father too many times. I used to always look for a sound between listening to music in fear of them arguing and me not being there. I was so scared one of them got seriously hurt. I always ran to the living room in great fear. How many times i got hit in the middle, how many times i got slaps on my arms.
You know what hurts? It's all happening again....It used to be on saturday or sunday. And it's all happening again, but now i'm in there. And it's almost 9 years after.
I stood there for hours sometimes. I got completely exhausted. Damn it, i just wish someone would take responsibility and realize that it destroyed me. It's torture to me. Sometimes i repeat the same words. And i still stay there for hours. That's why i forgive him when he beats me, cuz i must say a lot of crap.
2) I fell in depression when i was 16. I don't think i ever fully realized what this did to me. At the time i didn't have a man figure i admired, so i didn't know how to act. Sometimes i think i'm looking for my dad in the men i've been with. This is hard to say, but it's the truth.
So one time in a crowded classroom a guy decided to grab me. I need to say this like it is. I need to share this out loud and move on. He started fingering me and talking to my ear saying that he knew i liked it. I pushed him but he was much stronger, i felt so despaired and screamed. He kept talking and talking near my face and touching me. I don't even understand why would someone do that or how. What hurt most was that my best friends watched that laughing, i don't know if they understood what happened, but none of them helped me.
I was never the same after that. I felt he took something from me. Maybe my innocence, maybe my right to feel free, maybe gave me guilt. I always said that he was the one person i hated in life. And i found out that he had the audacity to talk to my mother on the street and pretend he was my friend. I never understood. He wasn't gay, so why harass me, why do something so sleazy, so unexplainable. And there's no way i can understand that.
I know people who were abused. And i felt ashamed to mention this because of that. And even tough this happened the way it did, that's how it felt to me. Maybe i made too much out of it, but it destroyed me completely.
From that day i fell quickly into a deep depression. Life became a nightmare, and i started sleeping at 9 o'clock and everything seemed so dark. I got more and more guilty cuz i was gay and it felt like it was because of that it happened.
I took my whole life hiding my sexuality and feeling the biggest sinner. I thought God kept punishing me for that. Thankfully one day i decided to be free, i payed my dues because of it. I live in another place now. I don't have money, but i still get to go to school thanks to my dad. He changed a lot. And i think we mended many things. I know he knows i love him, and that made it ok. Everybody makes mistakes. Now i need to over come all of this.
If i failed? Yes, i have. Why? Maybe because i was so dysfunctional. I don't know. Sometimes people ask me why i don't go back home. It's exactly because i can't go back to a place where people have to make the effort to accept me and are ashamed of me. I can't go back to a place i was thrown out even when i was honest. My honesty should have been taken in consideration and it wasn't.
I wouldn't trade my family, cuz they're mine... But it's not a good family. It's actually pretty bad. This ****** me up. No one's ever gonna do anything about it, so i guess it's time for me to fix myself.
I'm 24 years old. I've survived a massive overdose or allergy, and many others. My brain is much slower because of that. The fact i'm alive is a miracle. Almost a year ago i was in a hospital waking up all tied up and wired. All i remembered was a tunnel. Had not my brother came earlier i wouldn't be here. Had he let me sleep i wouldn't be here. 7 years before i was the one to call the ambulance.
(....)
I got a scar of a fork in my back and of a window. One day i got a knife and pointed it to his neck and said if he ever beat me i'd get back. I turned around, walked away and a fork hit my back. What are the odds of the fork hitting from the bad side? This sounds too bad written.
I should have never pushed him.
I sat him down for a long time and told him why i pushed him and what he was doing to me. There are no excuses but he heard me and i could tell he was emotional listening to my pain. He said that people had really ruined my head. I told him he shouldn't have contributed more hurt to me. i don't think he had realized that this wasn't two guys fighting. To me it's much more.
There are good things. I'm back at college. Have some new music projects. Got a natural park behind my house where i can run. i have freakin' bamboo trees in my living room. I have hope i can overcome the past and i hope my future has nothing to do with the past pain. About money i don't know. I am tired of not having it, but i'm sure that will change. I've made many mistakes, but i think that i have a good heart, and that is a good start. the most important is i can change all of this...i just have to make the right decisions.
hugs, Nuno
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Nuno, dear, thank you for being brave enough to share that with us. You are a strong person, and I will pray that you get what you need to overcome these challenges and live a life filled with the happiness, care and compassion you bring to others. Love & prayers, Jomey
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I agree with Gyps Nuno - violence has no place in love. You deserve more, much more.
I'm sorry for all the bad things that have happened to you, both inside and outside the family. None of that was your fault and I hope you've come to see that.
It's to your credit that you're still open, still loving, still hopeful - but I don't know whether we can fully heal ourselves by ourselves without help and support Nuno.
Sometimes we need another perspective.
Have you considered counselling mate?
D
I'm sorry for all the bad things that have happened to you, both inside and outside the family. None of that was your fault and I hope you've come to see that.
It's to your credit that you're still open, still loving, still hopeful - but I don't know whether we can fully heal ourselves by ourselves without help and support Nuno.
Sometimes we need another perspective.
Have you considered counselling mate?
D
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Not surprisingly, I agree with Dee's post too.
Is counseling an option Nuno?I'm glad you're able to be so open here. Maybe it's time to open up to someone who can help and not hurt you?
Please don't forget you always have my friendship, love, support and most of all... respect.
Is counseling an option Nuno?I'm glad you're able to be so open here. Maybe it's time to open up to someone who can help and not hurt you?
Please don't forget you always have my friendship, love, support and most of all... respect
.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
LOL Jomey! Wait until Dee posts and just say Ditto. I do it all the time 
.
There are good things. I'm back at college. Have some new music projects. Got a natural park behind my house where i can run. i have freakin' bamboo trees in my living room. I have hope i can overcome the past and i hope my future has nothing to do with the past pain. About money i don't know. I am tired of not having it, but i'm sure that will change. I've made many mistakes, but i think that i have a good heart, and that is a good start. the most important is i can change all of this...i just have to make the right decisions.
hugs, Nuno You do have some good things happening. Your past does not define you. Every day you wake up, you have the power to make things better, different. You are still young hun... you'll get there. Soon I hope.
* I have to say... I much preferred that other T shirt you had a while back. You know the one.
.
Originally Posted by Nuno 
There are good things. I'm back at college. Have some new music projects. Got a natural park behind my house where i can run. i have freakin' bamboo trees in my living room. I have hope i can overcome the past and i hope my future has nothing to do with the past pain. About money i don't know. I am tired of not having it, but i'm sure that will change. I've made many mistakes, but i think that i have a good heart, and that is a good start. the most important is i can change all of this...i just have to make the right decisions.
hugs, Nuno
* I have to say... I much preferred that other T shirt you had a while back. You know the one
.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Seriously tho...
I agree - our past does not define us - it took me 40 years and much much alcohol to work that out. You're in a far better position than I was Nuno, and I think you have the right stuff to make it.
But consider my suggestions, cos the chicks dig me
LOL
...and I think it might help?
hugs
D
I agree - our past does not define us - it took me 40 years and much much alcohol to work that out. You're in a far better position than I was Nuno, and I think you have the right stuff to make it.
But consider my suggestions, cos the chicks dig me
LOL...and I think it might help?
hugs
D
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
hehehe 
i started therapy some time ago and did it for a month, but now there's no money for that. i'm gonna see other options.
it feels really good now that i've talked about this. you guys warm my heart.
thank you
i started therapy some time ago and did it for a month, but now there's no money for that. i'm gonna see other options.
it feels really good now that i've talked about this. you guys warm my heart.
thank you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Nuno...If you can't afford counseling there are 12 step groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics -even Al-Anon that are not the same focus but they are free and you can maybe give them a try? I think it might be a great way for you to get some support from people who understand and have experienced similar trauma. There has to be someone at your school who can find you some good support, maybe check there too in case you haven't done so already. You deserve much better.
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