Struggling to move on

Old 10-19-2008, 01:12 AM
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Struggling to move on

Hi
Im struggling with things. I split up with my ex a couple of months ago and we lived separately until I found a new place to live. I moved into my own place 1 month ago.

I didnt take very much stuff and have built this apartment up to be bright and have tried to make it homely.

The problem Im having is Im consumed with thoughts of my ex everyday, I cannot concentrate on anything else and miss him so much and feel so sad.

In the end it was a mutual decision to separate...I could not deal with the binge drinking and the days on end of disappearing acts though he claims to have gone off to drink as I am insecure and unstable!

My self esteem is low, my family do not live in this country and I feel a burden to my friends who are no doubt sick of hearing me talk about it.

Ive tried to become involved in some sports and social activity but I cant see my life moving forward and am not sure I want it to without him in it.

We are still in contact via texts mainly and its all very lovely 'I miss you' texts but I wonder how long then can go on for when we're not together.

And if a day goes by without a text or contact I find it painful to get through the day.

I have also tried to focus on the bad parts of the relationship the verbally abusive rants, walking on eggshells but I guess right now im feeling lonely and all I want is to be with him. I guess thats not showing much self respect.

Sorry this is so long, I hadnt meant it to be. Just after advice really on how I can start to feel positive and look forward and how to stop constantly thinking about him.
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Old 10-19-2008, 02:17 AM
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I think you are over half way there. You saw a situation that you didn't like, had no control over, and moved yourself away from it. Have you taken some time to read above in the "sticky" section, the little notes at the top of this forum? Have you read any books on codependency, and how people who love addicts/alcoholics tend to be of a certain type? I found the book "Codependent No More" to be very helpful. I really saw myself in it and why I tended to choose people who were not good for me.

Consider going no contact, breaking the relationship finally. Think of it like an alchoholic, who goes cold turkey to initially get off the alcohol, then works a program to maintain his sobriety. Consider al-anon as a support system, and continue to try and keep your focus on YOU. I know it's hard, especially when your habits have been more keeping the focus on someone else for so long. But trust me, it's the right way to live for you right now, just keeping your focus on yourself. Good luck and start reading
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:05 AM
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Hi Vine,
Welcome to SR!
To "feel" positive you gotta "think" positive.

A little trick I learned in cognitive behavior therapy:
You control your thoughts. You decide what you want to think about. It sounds like you are already aware that these thoughts are compulsive and crowding your mind.

Just take one more tiny step and each time the thoughts come rushing in - look at a clock or your watch and say I will think about this for 5 minutes. And then let yourself think it all the way through- whatever is playing in your mind indulge it for 5 minutes. Then - time's up - force yourself to do something or think something new and different.

It helps if you have some planned "better" thoughts. Like, pick one thing about yourself or your life that you could be changing and making even baby steps towards changing. Keep that "locked and loaded" for when these overwhelming thoughts of exBF engulf you. It takes a little discipline at first but then it becomes more natural.

If you can't think of anything just replace those exBF centered thoughts with positive affirmations for yourself - you can repeat them over and over and soon the good new vibe will crowd out the old sad obsession.

Two I like:
"I now create a safe joyous future."

"The past is gone. I am free in this moment"

I agree 100% w/ Peaceteach - going no contact is important for your mental health and to break the blue spell you're under. Each time you txt each other it is like picking at a scab that has to bleed and hurt and scab up all over again. Let yourself heal!! Be an active agent of your own recovery! Take strength in each day, each moment, each new activity that you do on your own!

(((hugs))))
Peace-
B.
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:19 AM
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I'm so sorry you're hurting. I agree with the wise ones above.....you are maintaining your own addiction by allowing yourself a little "dose" of him every day, even though you know it is not good for you, you still hit your drug and maintain your dependence on it.

It is very hard to break an addiction like this, but you cannot even start until you are willing to cut back and/or quit.

I know that in my worst separations, I had no faith that there was a life out there that was joyful -- because I kept thinking of him and only him, and so could not imagine happiness without him. Just like an addict, when his drug runs out, is convinced that there is no happiness except in his bottle or needle or baggie.

I would have never reached happiness as long as I settled for those little doses of daily contact that left me temporarily happy but were deeply unfulfilling.

It is so hard.......you may want to try to have some kind of counseling with a person who specializes in grief, because i sense this might be what's happening. You cannot imagine life without him, you are unable to admit that it is done, and you need to grieve it and move on. I know this was a HUGE turning point for me, taking a big of counseling and getting some very good ideas for changing my daily life, one small habit at a time.

Sending you hugs and strength to build a life that is even BETTER than the one you are still mourning. It is out there waiting for you.

Love,
GL
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Old 10-19-2008, 09:43 AM
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I'm going through alot of what you are. I miss my AXSO very much. I miss our relationship and the good times we had before he picked up after 17 years sober. I don't miss the yelling, falling down, police visits, and just plain drama of the last 2 years. I don't have any contact with him whatsoever at this point. That works for me. I can't do a little because then I get sucked in again and the manipulation starts and I'm back in a very unhealthy place for me and my young adult children. I am very lonely. I am trying to reconnect with friends, walk every day and get by however I can. It's not easy but I'd rather be alone than deal with the uncertainty and drama of the alcoholic.

Doreen
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:11 AM
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Exercise and yoga really helped me get out of my head. it helped me stop obsessing for a little while and that free moment eventually affected my whole life. It is also empowering to see and feel your strength.
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Old 10-19-2008, 11:50 AM
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i can honestly say i know exactly how you feel, splitting up is the hardest thing to get through, and really the only thing that truly helps is time, i know that sucks to hear that

ive been split up for 6-7 months now, the first few were the hardest, and i dont think i was very good company to any of my family during that time, i just couldnt focus and was just deep into my own depression so i couldnt see how i was hurtin my family by acting like i did, i literally just snapped and went nuts, i lashed out at everyone i knew because i was hurting so badly, and couldnt lash out at the one person who caused all that pain, i was pregnant, i was scared, i was hurt, i was every emotion i could think of

i finally got through those first few months, and am finally getting to the point where i accept everything that has happened, i cant let myself keep getting mad and upset about it, and really ive found out that im ok being alone, my xah is so out of touch with reality that its not even funny, i dont need that in my life or my soon to be born son's life and its hard to do that, i still have days where i flip out, but im gettin past all that

I can tell you 100% the only thing that will help you come out of some of this pain is to cut contact, no text messages, no phone calls, no talking to him at all. Believe me it sounds like it would be more painful but its really not, every time i make the mistake of sending a text message or talking to my X , then i go back through a depressive period, they last alot less time now, but its like taking a step back, i hurt for a few days, til i get back into the swing of my life now, ive learned the hard way to cut contact, and now i need to keep it that way, once that contact is cut you can start dealing with your own life, im not gonna lie its still hard, and they are still on your mind, but it gets better

i look back now and i cant believe ive made it this far, when it first happened i never thought i would make it this far, and one day if you dont go back you will be able to look at how far you've made it
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Old 10-20-2008, 05:09 AM
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Thank you all so much for your replies, they mean a lot. I have gained good advice from everybody and will take it on board. I am also seeking a counsellor as I feel Im going crazy. Positive affirmations are a really good idea for when I feel my mind wandering down the wrong path.

We passed each other at the weekend (whilst driving) and I think thats what triggered a lot of stuff off again, then I had a weak moment and called him, it was a fairly nice conversation but then I got a not so nice text later that evening - followed by a text today saying he didnt mean the nasty ones - same old story - if you dont mean it why do it.

I know I shouldnt have called, I was just sad that after 5 years our relationship had become us only waving across the street at each other.

Ive developed anxiety around alcohol in general now that I didnt have before, even if I smell it, it brings back bad memories. Does anybody else feel like this or am I super sensitive?

You are all right - I know that no contact is the only way forward...it just makes me feel sad at the thought of not having him in my life, despite everything. I read somewhere that it takes your heart a long time to catch up with your head - I think thats so right.
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Old 10-20-2008, 05:19 AM
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Ive developed anxiety around alcohol in general now that I didnt have before, even if I smell it, it brings back bad memories. Does anybody else feel like this or am I super sensitive?
In my opinion, I do not think you are being super sensitive at all. I also do not like the smell, or being around it. It is a trigger for all these feelings/emotions that you have. It brings much anxiety to me, also.

Hang in there, you are not alone in your struggle. I am currently struggling minute by minute not to contact my ex, it's very hard. But just for this minute, I am NOT going to call him.
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Old 10-20-2008, 05:37 AM
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I can tell you 100% the only thing that will help you come out of some of this pain is to cut contact, no text messages, no phone calls, no talking to him at all.
I wanted to chime in and say - that this is the ONLY thing that is working for me too.
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