please help me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 6
please help me
I am brand new here... I have no where else and no one else to turn to. 2 years ago I started dating the most wonderful, beautiful man that God has ever created. I fell so deeply in love with him - and I still am in love with him. He drank on weekends - which wasn't a big deal - because I like to go out too. Every now and then he would do something special for me - that didn't involve drinking. After about 6 months of a long distance relationship- I decided to move - and ended up moving in with him (I knew then it was too soon.) We immediately started having more fights and his drinking started to increase. This time last year, we were at the bar celebrating his 5 year anniversary with the company he works for. He was in the back playing pool, someone made a comment about me, and he got into a fight. He broke his hand and couldn't work for 2 months. I thought this was going to be an opportunity for him to do all things he talked about doing - but never had time to do (i.e. going back to school). Well, that didn't happen. Instead, I came home everyday to him sitting on the couch, drinking, smoking, and watching t.v. To make a very long story short....lets just say he never broke that habit. And at the end he was drinking a 12 pack a night - 7 nights a week. He stopped caring about me and the relationship - and everything for that matter. The man I fell in love with was gone.
By the way...both of his parents are alcoholics. Divorced. He had a horrible childhood. He felt like he wasn't loved by his parents - or anyone. Since he was very young he has had to look out for himself because no one else was going to. If you can't trust the 2 people who brought you into this world, who else are you going to trust?
I tried everything I could think of to open up his eyes to the life he was creating for himself. Many things I said were so horrible. I think I created a lot of hurt inside of him - which made him want to drink more. He often told me that if he wasn't with me he probably wouldn't drink that much. Anyhow, he acknowledged he had a problem - but he didn't know how to stop it. 2 1/2 weeks ago I went up north to visit my mom on her birthday. While I was there I recieved a phone call from him telling me he had taken a transfer to another state (7 hours away). And that all his stuff was already in the U-haul and he was leaving the next day - unless I was coming back....then he was going to leave that night. I died inside. He said this wasn't about me. He said he didn't love himself so he couldn't love me etc. He said this is what he thought I wanted ( A few weeks before I told him to get out of my life...I didn't mean it). In fact, he had written down every mean thing I had said to him in the past few months - and repeated them back to me! He said he wanted to start his life over and find himself again. I told him to call me when he did.
A few hours later I recieved a text about one of our neighbors who is dying... he said he tried to share Jesus with him. I didn't respond. 3 days later I recieved a text saying "I love you. And I'll never stop loving you." I didn't respond. It has been exactly 2 weeks since that text and I haven't heard from him again.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I'm in so much pain. But I feel like he was blaming me for everything and maybe it was partly my fault. I don't know what I can do to help him anymore. Everything I tried was wrong - but I promise it camefrom the right place. I don't want to lose him. But I don't know what he needs from me right now. Do I give him his time and space? Does this sound like he really intends on getting help? He doesn't know a soul where he moved to. He has no one. Should I have responded to him? I just don't want to make the wrong move again. He deserves all the best things that life has to offer... I cannot bare to think he won't ever get to experience them. Please, please pray for him.
By the way...both of his parents are alcoholics. Divorced. He had a horrible childhood. He felt like he wasn't loved by his parents - or anyone. Since he was very young he has had to look out for himself because no one else was going to. If you can't trust the 2 people who brought you into this world, who else are you going to trust?
I tried everything I could think of to open up his eyes to the life he was creating for himself. Many things I said were so horrible. I think I created a lot of hurt inside of him - which made him want to drink more. He often told me that if he wasn't with me he probably wouldn't drink that much. Anyhow, he acknowledged he had a problem - but he didn't know how to stop it. 2 1/2 weeks ago I went up north to visit my mom on her birthday. While I was there I recieved a phone call from him telling me he had taken a transfer to another state (7 hours away). And that all his stuff was already in the U-haul and he was leaving the next day - unless I was coming back....then he was going to leave that night. I died inside. He said this wasn't about me. He said he didn't love himself so he couldn't love me etc. He said this is what he thought I wanted ( A few weeks before I told him to get out of my life...I didn't mean it). In fact, he had written down every mean thing I had said to him in the past few months - and repeated them back to me! He said he wanted to start his life over and find himself again. I told him to call me when he did.
A few hours later I recieved a text about one of our neighbors who is dying... he said he tried to share Jesus with him. I didn't respond. 3 days later I recieved a text saying "I love you. And I'll never stop loving you." I didn't respond. It has been exactly 2 weeks since that text and I haven't heard from him again.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I'm in so much pain. But I feel like he was blaming me for everything and maybe it was partly my fault. I don't know what I can do to help him anymore. Everything I tried was wrong - but I promise it camefrom the right place. I don't want to lose him. But I don't know what he needs from me right now. Do I give him his time and space? Does this sound like he really intends on getting help? He doesn't know a soul where he moved to. He has no one. Should I have responded to him? I just don't want to make the wrong move again. He deserves all the best things that life has to offer... I cannot bare to think he won't ever get to experience them. Please, please pray for him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
While you wait for some replies please take a look at some of the posts and and sticky threads on this page for more information and support.
I attend Al-Anon and find it to be a great help. That is where I learned about the 3 C's of alcholism and it's a good place to start to learn more about this disease.
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
There are plenty of great people here who care and understand.
You don't ever have to face this alone.
Welcome to SR, it's nice to meet you.
I attend Al-Anon and find it to be a great help. That is where I learned about the 3 C's of alcholism and it's a good place to start to learn more about this disease.
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it
There are plenty of great people here who care and understand.
You don't ever have to face this alone.
Welcome to SR, it's nice to meet you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
My STBXRAH also left in a similar manner. I thought it was cowardly then; and, I still do. Sure, he blamed me and rubbed my face in all the negative emotions he felt, or that I created. He rarely accepted responsibility and took action.
He was the love of my life - I think (I thought?)
But, the truth is, I never had a chance against alcoholism. Neither did my dreams or desires or ambitions. They all took a second or third or fourth seat to whatever he wanted.
I have found that by making all the right moves for MY life, that I wasn't consumed about his life. It was like this for me: I could sweat day and night over every action or word I directed towards him, but it really didn't make any difference at all. He was consumed with alcohol - either drinking, feeling guilty about drinking, wanting to not drink, trying to not drink, drinking because of X (just make up a word, he didn't need much). So nothing I said or did made a difference. In one ear and out the other. Like talking to a wall that pretends to love you, just so that you'll get out of the way.
You deserve all the best that life has to offer. And if he was not an addict, you would probably not be on SR, probably not be feeling the way you do now, and he'd be the one telling you about how much you deserve.
Love does save the day and all that - but it's love for YOU that has that power.
He was the love of my life - I think (I thought?)
But, the truth is, I never had a chance against alcoholism. Neither did my dreams or desires or ambitions. They all took a second or third or fourth seat to whatever he wanted.
I have found that by making all the right moves for MY life, that I wasn't consumed about his life. It was like this for me: I could sweat day and night over every action or word I directed towards him, but it really didn't make any difference at all. He was consumed with alcohol - either drinking, feeling guilty about drinking, wanting to not drink, trying to not drink, drinking because of X (just make up a word, he didn't need much). So nothing I said or did made a difference. In one ear and out the other. Like talking to a wall that pretends to love you, just so that you'll get out of the way.
You deserve all the best that life has to offer. And if he was not an addict, you would probably not be on SR, probably not be feeling the way you do now, and he'd be the one telling you about how much you deserve.
Love does save the day and all that - but it's love for YOU that has that power.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Today when I find myself thinking that I've found the most wonderful, beautiful man that God has ever created, I KNOW I'm indulging in magical thinking. Alcoholics obsess over alcohol; I obsessed over a man that was FAR from perfect.
It took a lot of hard work and self discovery to realize that my "dreamboat" was a deeply troubled man and I had sold myself short for years. Alanon helped me see things more clearly. Have you tried it yet?
It took a lot of hard work and self discovery to realize that my "dreamboat" was a deeply troubled man and I had sold myself short for years. Alanon helped me see things more clearly. Have you tried it yet?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, jluvsw, glad you're here!
The best thing I did at the outset was educate myself on alcoholism. There are some great books - there is a sticky that contains them. Also, reading the stickys here may help you recognize how many others have felt the same as you (meeting the greatest man on earth) and then the progressive decline into the disease.
One of the best suggestions I ever heard in Al Anon was to look for the similarities, not the differences.
Keep posting!
The best thing I did at the outset was educate myself on alcoholism. There are some great books - there is a sticky that contains them. Also, reading the stickys here may help you recognize how many others have felt the same as you (meeting the greatest man on earth) and then the progressive decline into the disease.
One of the best suggestions I ever heard in Al Anon was to look for the similarities, not the differences.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 6
I haven't been to Al anon - I'm scared to go. I feel like I can't do anything right now. The pain is killing me. Why did he leave me? Why wasn't I good enough? What if he is right and I'm the reason his drinking got so bad. I made so many mistakes. He is 32 - so why didn't this disease take hold of him until we moved in together? He said he was moving because he wanted to find himself again and be happy. Why couldn't he do that with me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I mean does he love me at all? Does he miss me? Why won't he call? I know no one can answer all these questions and I'm rambling on like an idiot... but I just don't understand. He said he loved me and would never stop loving me... so why did he leave - and why did he leave in such a horrible way? I miss him. It's taking every ounce of strength I have left not to text or call. It is going on 3 weeks now. Today was my birthday and I didn't hear from him. After 2 years....nothing - like I mean nothing to him. I don't want him to forget about me. I just don't know what I did so wrong - why doesn't he want me anymore?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
He is sick. It isn't that he doesn't want to care, he just can't right now.
You need to take care of you right now.
Welcome to SR. I know you are hurting. Keep reading, keep posting and take care of you. It gets better.
I am in recovery right now (over a year now) and I'm getting ready to watch Cold Case and am hanging out in my cluttered house and loving my life. My husband stuck around and I thank doG every day for my recovery and the fact that he loved me enough to let me hit "my" bottom. People do get better every day, but if he never does you have to.
You need to take care of you right now.
Welcome to SR. I know you are hurting. Keep reading, keep posting and take care of you. It gets better.
I am in recovery right now (over a year now) and I'm getting ready to watch Cold Case and am hanging out in my cluttered house and loving my life. My husband stuck around and I thank doG every day for my recovery and the fact that he loved me enough to let me hit "my" bottom. People do get better every day, but if he never does you have to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain.
That's what alcoholism does,it take away all the
beauty and creates ugliness.
You didn't "cause " his problems he did.
Let him be for now,he is doing what he wants,
and that is probably getting loaded.
It sucks,I know you will get better.it takes time.
Please read the stickies,they helped me alot.
That's what alcoholism does,it take away all the
beauty and creates ugliness.
You didn't "cause " his problems he did.
Let him be for now,he is doing what he wants,
and that is probably getting loaded.
It sucks,I know you will get better.it takes time.
Please read the stickies,they helped me alot.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
jluvsw,
Please read the sticky material at the top of the forum - there is treasure in there if you can turn the volume down on your pain for just a few minutes and start reading. It's so hard, I know it is, but we have all been in your shoes and we have all made it through this awful place, and want to help you get through it too.
Your X's alcoholism is not about you. Nothing you did, said, didn't say, didn't do matters with alcoholism --- you didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this. That's the nature of alcoholism. Only the person who is suffering it can take the steps to find himself again. It has nothing to do with you.
That's why this place is so great. You can see there are people here who have been loving, angelic and supportive until they almost dropped dead. There are others who have been angry and ugly. And everything in between. And it hasn't mattered...they still keep drinking. The thoughts you're having -- that you weren't good enough, that you should've could've would've done something else, and all would be well -- are not the truth.
Consider talking with someone, a counselor or therapist, about the feelings you're having. Don't be afraid to go to an Al-Anon meeting - you'll learn SO much, and they are so supportive of you. Stop at the library or at abebooks.com and pick up a copy of "Codependent No More". If you're like a lot of us, you'll recognize yourself in there.
I stayed hurting for a long time because I felt that if I allowed myself to stop hurting, he'd think that I didn't care (somehow....telepathically???) and he wouldn't come back. My suffering made me feel like I mattered. But honestly, I've learned there is no honor in living in pain. It does YOU no good, it does HIM no good, and it won't get you back your perfect relationship you're remembering. It really does nothing but sit there and mess with you.
Let yourself get better, j. It's safe to get better.
Hugs,
GL
Please read the sticky material at the top of the forum - there is treasure in there if you can turn the volume down on your pain for just a few minutes and start reading. It's so hard, I know it is, but we have all been in your shoes and we have all made it through this awful place, and want to help you get through it too.
Your X's alcoholism is not about you. Nothing you did, said, didn't say, didn't do matters with alcoholism --- you didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this. That's the nature of alcoholism. Only the person who is suffering it can take the steps to find himself again. It has nothing to do with you.
That's why this place is so great. You can see there are people here who have been loving, angelic and supportive until they almost dropped dead. There are others who have been angry and ugly. And everything in between. And it hasn't mattered...they still keep drinking. The thoughts you're having -- that you weren't good enough, that you should've could've would've done something else, and all would be well -- are not the truth.
Consider talking with someone, a counselor or therapist, about the feelings you're having. Don't be afraid to go to an Al-Anon meeting - you'll learn SO much, and they are so supportive of you. Stop at the library or at abebooks.com and pick up a copy of "Codependent No More". If you're like a lot of us, you'll recognize yourself in there.
I stayed hurting for a long time because I felt that if I allowed myself to stop hurting, he'd think that I didn't care (somehow....telepathically???) and he wouldn't come back. My suffering made me feel like I mattered. But honestly, I've learned there is no honor in living in pain. It does YOU no good, it does HIM no good, and it won't get you back your perfect relationship you're remembering. It really does nothing but sit there and mess with you.
Let yourself get better, j. It's safe to get better.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
if i believed everything my xah told me then i would be in a mental hospital
according to him i am to blame for everything that is wrong in his life:chatter
he left because of me, he drank because of me, hes so stressed out that he cant work half the time because of me, his back hurts because of me, im so difficult to live with, i dont give him time, i dont communicate with him, everything in the world that is wrong is my fault, it gets so old hearing it, i quit believe any of it
i may be a crazy codie but im not to blame for his choices in life, and your not to blame for anything your guy does
my xah was the most beautiful wonderful person when we first got together, and ill be da*ned if he still aint the cutest lol, but he aint the most wonderful, hes about the worst, it just took a long time to truly see it
good luck with everything
according to him i am to blame for everything that is wrong in his life:chatter
he left because of me, he drank because of me, hes so stressed out that he cant work half the time because of me, his back hurts because of me, im so difficult to live with, i dont give him time, i dont communicate with him, everything in the world that is wrong is my fault, it gets so old hearing it, i quit believe any of it
i may be a crazy codie but im not to blame for his choices in life, and your not to blame for anything your guy does
my xah was the most beautiful wonderful person when we first got together, and ill be da*ned if he still aint the cutest lol, but he aint the most wonderful, hes about the worst, it just took a long time to truly see it
good luck with everything
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Crawfordville, FL
Posts: 33
Please accept a hug from me.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I have a similiar situation, but not as much time invested in it and my BF (now XBF) is in recovery. H has not had a drink in almost 4 years.
I too question myself over and over again. Why can't he talk to me, why is he shutting me out, what did I do wrong, what can I do to make it better? He seems to have cast me out like garbage. Doesn't he miss me? We were doing exceptionally well and then all of the sudden, he couldn't take any more. It all seems to go back to his personal demons and his personal recovery, what he can handle and what he can't.
I am so sad and confused, but I know that I will be ok. I don't like what is happening, but I know that I am not in control. I want him back so badly, but I want him back emotionally healthy.
I truly believe that my RAXBF is the most wonderful that ever happened to me. I believe in my heart, that we were meant to be. I don't need him and that is a new discovery for me. I want him, I want to share our lives and our journey through life together. He brought me a sense of peace that I had never known before. I have no idea whether this will happen or not, it is not up to me. That is what I am having to learn about. He has a say in this also, and right now he has chosen not to be with me.
As a codependent, I have to take the steps that I can take to keep me healthy. I have to be able to keep working, keep my sanity and maintain some sense of stability for the sake of my children. It will not do them any good to see what an emotional wreck I am.
You are in my prayers...please know that there are so many others suffering along with you. Take the steps that you can for yourself and let him tend to himself. Attend an Al-Anon meeting or CoDA...I was scared the first time too, but I am so glad that I did it.
Keep posting and feel free to PM me anytime.
Peace and Love
Susan
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I have a similiar situation, but not as much time invested in it and my BF (now XBF) is in recovery. H has not had a drink in almost 4 years.
I too question myself over and over again. Why can't he talk to me, why is he shutting me out, what did I do wrong, what can I do to make it better? He seems to have cast me out like garbage. Doesn't he miss me? We were doing exceptionally well and then all of the sudden, he couldn't take any more. It all seems to go back to his personal demons and his personal recovery, what he can handle and what he can't.
I am so sad and confused, but I know that I will be ok. I don't like what is happening, but I know that I am not in control. I want him back so badly, but I want him back emotionally healthy.
I truly believe that my RAXBF is the most wonderful that ever happened to me. I believe in my heart, that we were meant to be. I don't need him and that is a new discovery for me. I want him, I want to share our lives and our journey through life together. He brought me a sense of peace that I had never known before. I have no idea whether this will happen or not, it is not up to me. That is what I am having to learn about. He has a say in this also, and right now he has chosen not to be with me.
As a codependent, I have to take the steps that I can take to keep me healthy. I have to be able to keep working, keep my sanity and maintain some sense of stability for the sake of my children. It will not do them any good to see what an emotional wreck I am.
You are in my prayers...please know that there are so many others suffering along with you. Take the steps that you can for yourself and let him tend to himself. Attend an Al-Anon meeting or CoDA...I was scared the first time too, but I am so glad that I did it.
Keep posting and feel free to PM me anytime.
Peace and Love
Susan
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