Detachment

Old 07-23-2003, 06:42 AM
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Detachment

OK, I don't follow instructions very well, and need some help!

When I sew a pattern, I am so much better at looking at the pictures than reading every little detail to figure out how to put a garment together. Perhaps some of you are the same way?!?

Well, I'm having a hard time figuring out how "exactly" to detach. I've read about it, and it all sounds well and good until I find myself in the thick of a "situation".

So, I'm pleading with you all, who have practiced detaching longer than I have, to give me examples. I thought we could make this a fun thread, if we make it a little comical. Then, perhaps some of us that have not detached for as long can try a few examples and see if we are on target.

Tiny stories, is what I'm talking about (I don't really need pics, unless you happen to know of some) stories explaining "exactly" what detaching is, and how to do it.

I've been reading Melody Beattie's Co-Dependant No More, and I'm in the detaching chapter. It says detaching is not a cold, unloving way to do it, but that that may be the only way you can detach in the beginning. I'm hoping to avoid the mistakes, if you know what I mean!

Any ideas?

Lyn
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Old 07-23-2003, 07:13 AM
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one of the few times I succeeded...

in detaching was when my A wanted me to stay up all night and listen to him have a pity party. He wanted an audience. I wanted sleep.

Rather than get all self-pitying of myself not getting sleep, the thought occurred to me that he was acting exactly like a little child having a temper-tantrum.

When I had that little mental image in my head, it was easy for me to loose my self-pity and emotional fed-up-ed-ness (is that a word?). Having let go of my emotional stuff, I was able to say calmly and with some authority "You're feeling sorry for yourself. It's not attractive. Stop it."

I was kind of shocked that it came out of my mouth like that. I kind of expected him to revolt.

But he didn't. He shut up and went to sleep. Just like a lightbulb.

So, I guess the mental state of "detachment" can be achieved by looking at him and rather than seeing your adult spouse, but seeing him as a spoiled brat in a grocery store. Address him the same way a responsible adult would address a child having a temper tantrum -- don't get into it with him. Tell him plainly and factually how he is misbehaving, tell him the consequences, and then turn your back.
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Old 07-23-2003, 08:02 AM
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I've got a funny one (at least to me). I am new to detachment, but I have done it some.

In the midst of dh's last relapse, I asked him to sleep on the couch. He complied without complaint for quite a while. One day he said he didn't want to sleep there any more. I gave it some thought and decided that where he slept was pretty irrelevant to what I was willing to do with him. (In other words, in the bed did NOT mean sex). So I told him so. I said, if it was that important to him to sleep in the bed, it didn't make that much difference to me.

That night at bedtime, he gets comfy on the couch. I say "I thought you wanted to sleep in the bed?"

His reply, "You didn't act like you wanted me there."

My detachment: I laughed and said "Suit yourself". And went to bed.

Three days later, without further comment from me, he slept in the bed.

To me, detachment is more an attitude than an action. I really didn't care where he slept, or if he was mad at me.

Cat
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Old 07-23-2003, 08:49 AM
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detachment

I pretty much know that most nights between 5-9pm my husband is going to drink.When he starts rambling on and on about some unimportant topic,I take my grandaughter and leave the house.Thankfully my dad lives about a half mile from me.My grandaughter has alot of friends in his neighborhood,so she plays with her friends and I chill out on the porch.
In the winter months,we go in her room and read or listen to music.I keep telling my husband that it won't be long till she realises what he's doing to himself.
I agree that after awhile your spouse Becomes like a spoiled child tat you have to deal with!

Good Luck with detaching(you can do it)
Karen
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Old 07-23-2003, 09:34 AM
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This is detachment to me.
One night my AH wanted me to take him to the beach , which is about 2 hours away. We had alot of friends who were there and he wanted to go and party. Well, I said I had alot of homework (college). and I wasn't going to go, but he was more than welcome to go . Well, He called everyone in our phone book to see if they wanted to go and to take him. No one wanted to. So , again he came in begging me to take him. I said after a couple of times. I am not going to take you, I have to much work to do. Please, don't ask me again. Well, He decided to give me a guilt trip. How my work was more important than him. Blah, blah , blah. I use to give in and I would have probably taken him. Knowing that, he would have gotten there already drunk and continued to drink until passing out. I asked him to please leave the room. (He was in the computer rm. bugging me) . And to quit giving me a guilt trip.

Shortly after that he went to the living rm. and an hour or two later he passed out. And I went to bed with mixed feeling of should I have taken him? And he was a little mad the next day. But, he got over it. And I felt good knowing that I did that for me. And maybe next time He will know that I am not going to give in. It felt like the right thing to do. NOt giving into something, that you don't want to do. I felt strong and more confident. We didn't have a big fight. I was calm on the outside in telling him. Although, I felt so mad on the inside. Anyway, just thought I would share. I am also very new a detachment. This was just one of the first. .................. Snoopy
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Old 07-24-2003, 11:00 AM
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Ok, I'm starting to catch on!

Thanks,

Lyn
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Old 07-24-2003, 03:15 PM
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This is an area that I have to visit all the time. But as time goes on it does seem to get easier and easier. I remember when I first started alanon and learned about detachment I decided that I would no longer phone his cell every night looking for him and asking when are you coming home? It was hard but I finally did quit doing that and feel alot better about it. Later he asked why I don't call anymore? I also don't read too much into what he is saying when he's quacking, I'm starting to wonder if he believes his own lies sometimes?
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Old 07-24-2003, 04:27 PM
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Detachment to me.....Hmmm. Well, one thing I do is ignore him when he's had enough to drink and decides to act stupid. Sometimes he cries and wants my attention.....I walk to the bathroom and run a hot bath. I don't like pity parties because he's doing it to himself. Sometimes he tries to pick a fight and you have to have two to argue. Sometimes I get a piece of paper out and pretend I'm writing a letter when actually I'm writing down his every movement and every word then I leave it beside his pillow after he passes out and I never discuss it with him. No matter what. He has to waller in his own crap. I have too much to do around the house with all of the kids to feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for me for having to put up with such STUFF! Hey, painting toenails is fun too. His I mean! I've gotten to the point where I could care less if he's here or not. I love him but I can't fix him. Its too exhausting to try. Detachment works. Its working for me. When they think they have you under their thumb they hurt you the most. When they see you be independent they can't stand it and it makes them think about their own issues.


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Old 07-24-2003, 04:56 PM
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I started detaching. Went to Alanon meetings, began doing things that focused on myself and my children. I asked tons of questions here but didn't feel like I was actually getting it.
Well, on March 18th at about 9:00 pm, I look at my 8 year old daugther and said "if daddy isn't home in 15 minutes I am throwing out his dinner'' (yes! I actually used to save his dinner for him until he came home. and I even warmed it up - what an idiot!)
Well, 5 minutes later he walked in. Drunk beyond belief and beaten to a pulp.
It was kind of odd. But I believe that my detaching was helping me to protect myself. I just got very lucky that soon after I decided to try it, he 'hit his rock bottom' and things have completely changed.
What ever you do. You must think about yourself first. I think that is the primary root to detaching. STOP worrying about him and his feelings and take care of yourself.
NoDoubt
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Old 07-25-2003, 09:22 AM
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I love the idea of throwing his dinner out,I always save dh's dinner also,I think next time it will go in the trash,,,,let me make sure 1st,is that detaching or retaliation(?)
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Old 07-25-2003, 11:35 AM
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I have been in recovery for 3-4 months now, and I think I am starting to take small steps toward detachment. Recently my wife started drinking when I got back 10 minutes late from a meeting. Over the course of the evening, she built herself up to raging at me in the bedroom. I refused to engage with her, and instead begin praying that God would grant my serenity and protect our children from her anger.

In the past, I would attempt to engage her during her lucid moments. This would usually result in me being pulled in and becoming angry myself. This time I didn't, I just continued to pray silently, and ignored her attempts to hook me in.

The result was that when she finally wore herself out and went to sleep, I was able to go to sleep myself instead of staying awake in emotional turmoil all night. When I told this story at my next meeting, I was told that I could congratulate myself on taking a step toward detachment.

Now I'm trying to figure out this "detachment with love" business!
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Old 07-25-2003, 05:29 PM
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Momma 2 - I didn't intend retaliation. I just felt it was time to stop babying him!
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Old 07-25-2003, 05:52 PM
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Detachment

became easier for me once I learned to put my own needs on the table. Here is a particular. One night he came home sloppy drunk and proceeded to pass out at the kitchen table. Rather than endure the fallout from that, I gathered up the kids and went to stay with a friend. As we were leaving, I noticed that he had puked all over the kitchen floor. Rather than be my usual "care-taking" self and stay and clean up...I left him to deal with his own mess. You have no idea how good that felt.
Alcoholics have a tendency to manipulate those around them with the "All About Me" show. It's very liberating to stop being an audience member to that tired, old, same, burned-out show.
Detachment? Take a walk on the wild side. When they start in with their games...don't play anymore. They aren't going to make your life any better...but you might. Do the "unthinkable". You might surprise yourself.
Peace,
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Old 07-29-2003, 01:54 PM
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HEY! ! This is the coolest thread! Great stories and suggestions. I am going to call and see if the book store has it, NOW !!

Thank you to everyone...................Tom
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Old 07-29-2003, 10:36 PM
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Wow... I TELL myself that I am doing well; I MUST be "detaching"... But trying to come up with specifics is hard.

OK.
The last time my husband went on a "bender", he was MIA for 4 days - the longest he's ever dissapeared. I remained relitively calm the first couple of nights; I read A LOT from Melody Beattie, and my Alanon stuff, I called my sponser. During the days I would take walks with my kids, rent MY kind of movies, eat out - I was determined NOT to let his behavior ruin my weekend.

By the 3rd day, I was worried, and "panic-mode" was knocking at my door. I WANTED to go looking for him, but I didn't. I took deep breathes, and prayed away the fear. I did call him once on his cell phone, but no answer. I left it at that. When Monday morning rolled around and he didn't show up for work, I didn't answer the phone - I screened my calls, cuz I refused to lie and make up stories for why he wasn't there - I refused to do his dirty work. By this time, his Mom and Dad were losing their minds. They WERE out searching for him and endlessly calling him - they even called the police. They were in awe how I was able to be calm and rational, while they were full of fear and anger. I told them that I was practicing "Detachment" - I am sure they thought I was crazy.

And by Tuesday night, my husband had called me. His truck had been impounded, he spent all his money and maxed out his credit card. I told him that he could not come home... and he hung up and called his sponser.

It is true what they say: Sometimes you have to "fake it to make it"... I wasn't sure that by NOT reacting, all would be OK. What I had been doing for so long, time and time again, by acting all crazy and chasing after him and worrying, never helped - not one bit. It made me Insane. By this time, I had nothing to lose... "Detachment" was worth a shot. I still struggle to decide what IS and ISN'T "codie" behavior; what I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do or say... What IS and ISN'T mine to deal with. But I always remember how it felt to NOT react, and to put ME first like I did that weekend... it helps me to put things into perspective.

Take care
Meg
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Old 07-30-2003, 03:19 AM
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Wow! Many thanks for this thread. It confirms what I am truly believeing is the best behavior choice I can make - detachment. I went ahead and did fun things with my friends this weekend. I'm enjoying my own company! It feels so much better to be making choices that are good for me. (((HUGS))) for all of us.
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Old 07-30-2003, 05:09 AM
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Unhappy Need to learn detachment

I come from a long line of Alchoholics. My mom being the worst. I am now married to an AH. I need to learn detatchment, desperately. My mother in law says I should try to put on a happy face and show him how much I appreciate him blah blah blah. I don't have much patience, and when he picks up his bottle and starts drinking, I get very angry. This is all becoming so emotionally exhausting for me. I have been learning not to do things for him that he should be doing himself, like pay his own bills, calling the bank to cancel his credit card after losing it during a binge etc. But my form of detatchment is just ignoring him and talking to him only when I need to answer a question that he asks me. I feel less stressed out that way. How ever it can be very lonely. I hope this thread helps me with learning detatchment.
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