Crushed
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6
Crushed
I don’t know why but I feel like I really just need to write about what’s going on. I feel so weird about it. But for some reason I think it’ll make me feel better to write it out and have someone else know.
My ABF and I have been together for 6 years now. We met doing drugs at a mutual friends house. Well, it’s been a long road but I really thought we had made a break through. We both quit using together shortly after we got together, although it was much harder for him. He has been recovering and using and recovering and using for almost 5 and a half years now. The longest he’s ever quit using was a year. He’s done this twice. This last time was so great. I really thought we were able to finally move on and have the great and wonderful life I’ve been dreaming of us having.
In the last year my ABF had gotten a really great job, a new truck, and after completing his one year at a sober living home he moved into his own place. He was the loving, generous, caring, amazing person that I love more than anyone else in this world. But about two months ago, I started noticing the monster. You all know the monster. Well he slowly started turning into that crazy person I hate and am afraid of. I feared this from the moment he left the sober living. I knew it was too much freedom, too soon. He stopped calling his sponsor, stopped going to meetings, and stopped talking to his family. Well one day I came home early from school and went to his house to wait for him to get home from work. When I walked into his room I was shocked yet relieved to know that my instincts were right. There was a meth pipe sitting on his dresser. I was crushed. Well, I called him and confronted him before he even came home. He admitted he had been using for about two weeks. He said that he convinced himself it would be different this time because he was doing so well and had his sh*t together (ironic, huh?). He didn’t think it would be the same as all the other times. Well, I immediately went into fix-it mode, thinking I had all the solutions and we could totally fix this before it got worse. Well, that turned into two ridiculous months of me “fixing” and him “quitting”, lying, and continuing to use. I stayed with him through verbal abuse, manipulation, and days and days of crying, thinking he would get better. Well he didn’t get better because he had no intention of getting better. The whole time he was just trying to get by still using and keeping me around under the guise that he was “coming down” and getting clean.
Well last week I thought we had a break through (again). He came to my mom and told her. This was huge because I didn’t even want her to know. She is so fed up with him and with me for putting up with this year after year. Well, she was surprisingly supportive and told him to stay with us to detox or whatever. He went and told his parents, which was also huge. So after that he stayed with me at my parents house and slept for 5 days. After that he went to see his probation officer and take a drug test. I knew that morning when he left, that it was over. By the time I got home from class that morning I suspected he was already using. He was. I’ve only seen him once this week, and that was to get my stuff from his house.
He called me crying and admitted he “just can’t stop smoking this sh*t”. It broke my heart because I know how much he is hurting. Since he started using again he has lost just about everything he earned this last year. He lost his job, so now he can’t pay rent, probation, or his car payment. It’s only a matter of time before he is on the streets again. A place he had gotten himself so far from.
I know exactly what to do now, from experience. We’ve been through this so many times in the lat 6 years I should be a professional. But it just seems so different this time. He actually wants to stop and he can’t. I know that the only way he’ll stop is if he goes to jail. That’s just how it goes. Unfortunately, if he goes to jail again, this time it will be for 3 years. So, I guess that’s what I’m having the hardest time with. The fact that this is it. It really is over. He called this morning and has completely given up. He’s not even trying to think of ways to stop or get help or anything. He’s accepted his fate and is just gonna ride the wave down. I have lost all hope and am totally crushed.
I know this was totally long and probably unnecessary, but thanks for reading. I think that it may be cathartic just writing and posting.
My ABF and I have been together for 6 years now. We met doing drugs at a mutual friends house. Well, it’s been a long road but I really thought we had made a break through. We both quit using together shortly after we got together, although it was much harder for him. He has been recovering and using and recovering and using for almost 5 and a half years now. The longest he’s ever quit using was a year. He’s done this twice. This last time was so great. I really thought we were able to finally move on and have the great and wonderful life I’ve been dreaming of us having.
In the last year my ABF had gotten a really great job, a new truck, and after completing his one year at a sober living home he moved into his own place. He was the loving, generous, caring, amazing person that I love more than anyone else in this world. But about two months ago, I started noticing the monster. You all know the monster. Well he slowly started turning into that crazy person I hate and am afraid of. I feared this from the moment he left the sober living. I knew it was too much freedom, too soon. He stopped calling his sponsor, stopped going to meetings, and stopped talking to his family. Well one day I came home early from school and went to his house to wait for him to get home from work. When I walked into his room I was shocked yet relieved to know that my instincts were right. There was a meth pipe sitting on his dresser. I was crushed. Well, I called him and confronted him before he even came home. He admitted he had been using for about two weeks. He said that he convinced himself it would be different this time because he was doing so well and had his sh*t together (ironic, huh?). He didn’t think it would be the same as all the other times. Well, I immediately went into fix-it mode, thinking I had all the solutions and we could totally fix this before it got worse. Well, that turned into two ridiculous months of me “fixing” and him “quitting”, lying, and continuing to use. I stayed with him through verbal abuse, manipulation, and days and days of crying, thinking he would get better. Well he didn’t get better because he had no intention of getting better. The whole time he was just trying to get by still using and keeping me around under the guise that he was “coming down” and getting clean.
Well last week I thought we had a break through (again). He came to my mom and told her. This was huge because I didn’t even want her to know. She is so fed up with him and with me for putting up with this year after year. Well, she was surprisingly supportive and told him to stay with us to detox or whatever. He went and told his parents, which was also huge. So after that he stayed with me at my parents house and slept for 5 days. After that he went to see his probation officer and take a drug test. I knew that morning when he left, that it was over. By the time I got home from class that morning I suspected he was already using. He was. I’ve only seen him once this week, and that was to get my stuff from his house.
He called me crying and admitted he “just can’t stop smoking this sh*t”. It broke my heart because I know how much he is hurting. Since he started using again he has lost just about everything he earned this last year. He lost his job, so now he can’t pay rent, probation, or his car payment. It’s only a matter of time before he is on the streets again. A place he had gotten himself so far from.
I know exactly what to do now, from experience. We’ve been through this so many times in the lat 6 years I should be a professional. But it just seems so different this time. He actually wants to stop and he can’t. I know that the only way he’ll stop is if he goes to jail. That’s just how it goes. Unfortunately, if he goes to jail again, this time it will be for 3 years. So, I guess that’s what I’m having the hardest time with. The fact that this is it. It really is over. He called this morning and has completely given up. He’s not even trying to think of ways to stop or get help or anything. He’s accepted his fate and is just gonna ride the wave down. I have lost all hope and am totally crushed.
I know this was totally long and probably unnecessary, but thanks for reading. I think that it may be cathartic just writing and posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((AlexDee)))
I'm sorry you're hurting, but it is his choice to keep using. He's not new at this...he has the recovery tools, but is choosing not to use them.
I'm a recovering addict so I know where he's at in his head. The only difference was I never even TRIED to quit until I was locked up.
As hard as it is to accept "it's over", I hope you can. He hasn't hit bottom yet and he will take you down with him if you let him. I spent 20 years with a functioning alcoholic. When I left he had a good job, good money, but I was still miserable and tired of it.
Focus on you and let him deal with his consequences. I had lost everything a long, long time before I ended up in jail. I was locked up because I never reported for probation, much less paid them. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it forced me to look at what I had done to my life.
You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings because you will get f2f support from people who understand. Of course, this forum is also awesome with a lot of people who know the pain of loving an addict.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you're hurting, but it is his choice to keep using. He's not new at this...he has the recovery tools, but is choosing not to use them.
I'm a recovering addict so I know where he's at in his head. The only difference was I never even TRIED to quit until I was locked up.
As hard as it is to accept "it's over", I hope you can. He hasn't hit bottom yet and he will take you down with him if you let him. I spent 20 years with a functioning alcoholic. When I left he had a good job, good money, but I was still miserable and tired of it.
Focus on you and let him deal with his consequences. I had lost everything a long, long time before I ended up in jail. I was locked up because I never reported for probation, much less paid them. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it forced me to look at what I had done to my life.
You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings because you will get f2f support from people who understand. Of course, this forum is also awesome with a lot of people who know the pain of loving an addict.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((AlexDee)))) - I'm sorry you are going through this. It's clear you "know the drill" and I wish there were magic words of advice to ease the pain; just as I am sure that you wish your love could fix him. I have found reading and posting here as well as going to face to face naranon meetings to make a huge difference for me in finding a place of peace. I had to surrender to my powerlessness over addiciton and finally find true trust in my higher power. Please know that there are many here who walk a path similar to yours and care. Hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6
Thank you. I have been to alanon and it was okay. I'm going to try more to see if it I can find a meeting that will fit me better. The one I went to was weird. I also found out I get free counceling at my university so I've been going to that. It helped to be able to talk to someone and get some feed back... on what I was doing wrong, lol.
Thanks again for your kind words.
Also, another question. Should I call his parents and tell them. I feel like I owe it to tell his mom, since he's lying to her and she thinks he's still clean from when he was staying here. But I know he'd be pissed and maybe its not the best thing to do. What do you think?
Thanks again for your kind words.
Also, another question. Should I call his parents and tell them. I feel like I owe it to tell his mom, since he's lying to her and she thinks he's still clean from when he was staying here. But I know he'd be pissed and maybe its not the best thing to do. What do you think?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a recovering meth user myself, I can tell you he will get clean and stay clean when he's ready, and not a moment sooner. As far as too much freedom too soon after he got out of sober living, I disagree.
He was given tools to stay clean, and chose not to use them once he moved out on his own.
I was in-patient for 30 days at a rehab, and secured a job the first week out and joined the world as a single clean/sober parent.
I stayed in recovery for 4 years and then I relapsed because I quit using the tools I had been given to stay clean, and got involved in a sick relationship.
Today I am over 18 years clean/sober now.
I was an IV meth user, and if I can get clean and stay clean, so can he IF he wants it badly enough.
He was given tools to stay clean, and chose not to use them once he moved out on his own.
I was in-patient for 30 days at a rehab, and secured a job the first week out and joined the world as a single clean/sober parent.
I stayed in recovery for 4 years and then I relapsed because I quit using the tools I had been given to stay clean, and got involved in a sick relationship.
Today I am over 18 years clean/sober now.
I was an IV meth user, and if I can get clean and stay clean, so can he IF he wants it badly enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6
Wow, congratulation on 18 years. That is great. You are so very right about having the tools and just not using them. I know that. I just get so clouded by my own emotions that I deny the truth about what is really going on. I so badly want to believe there is something I can do, when I know there isn't.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((AlexDee)))
I thought he already told his parents?
I wouldn't tell them...his actions will tell them soon enough. When I was with my last XABF (yeah...I had 3..slow learner), I was very close to his mom. I continued to call her and chat, and we never mentioned him unless I asked if she'd heard from him. Until the day she died, she taught me how to "live and let live" by example, and I will always be grateful to her.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I thought he already told his parents?
I wouldn't tell them...his actions will tell them soon enough. When I was with my last XABF (yeah...I had 3..slow learner), I was very close to his mom. I continued to call her and chat, and we never mentioned him unless I asked if she'd heard from him. Until the day she died, she taught me how to "live and let live" by example, and I will always be grateful to her.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Los Angeles
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Yeah, he told his parents last week. But he also told them he was done using and going to get clean. As far as they know, all he needs is sleep and to get back to work. But that's not how it goes. So, now he is using and I just thought they should know. They have been so grateful for me being in his life and I would hate for them to be upset that I did not tell them what's really going on. Last night he called his mom and told her everything is fine, he's doing great and so am I. For some reason I just want them to know everything is not fine.
But you're right, his actions will tell them soon enough. And I am not responsible for his actions or telling them. He can do that. I just need to let go. I'm doing it...slowly
But you're right, his actions will tell them soon enough. And I am not responsible for his actions or telling them. He can do that. I just need to let go. I'm doing it...slowly
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((AlexDee)))
One thing you may want to try is if they ask YOU how he's doing, tell them "you really need to ask him". The people who know me, know if I say that, there is something going on but I'm not getting in the middle of it. Keeps me out of it and puts the responsibility of telling/not telling back on HIS shoulders.
You aren't going to be able to let go all at one time. It's a long series of baby steps, but each one you take makes a little bit stronger. Sometimes we backslide, and think we'll NEVER get it, but as long as we keep trying, we get there eventually.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
One thing you may want to try is if they ask YOU how he's doing, tell them "you really need to ask him". The people who know me, know if I say that, there is something going on but I'm not getting in the middle of it. Keeps me out of it and puts the responsibility of telling/not telling back on HIS shoulders.
You aren't going to be able to let go all at one time. It's a long series of baby steps, but each one you take makes a little bit stronger. Sometimes we backslide, and think we'll NEVER get it, but as long as we keep trying, we get there eventually.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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