Stubborn1

Reading here I see so many things that I tried to get my Ah to get sober. I always thought I went to extremes then I read that I'm normal. I thought we could post some of the things we've tried no matter how crazy they are. Here are a few of mine.
1. Thought pregnancy would make him want to quit.
2. Me getting sober
3. Going to church
4. Putting him in rehabs
5. Losing weight
6. Thinking he could switch to just beer
7. Threatend and acted with another man
8. Hit him (worst thing I ever did)
9. Yelled and screamed
10. Took away his prized possesions
11. Threw things in his face from his past
12. Said "if you loved us you would quit"
13. Filed for divorce
14. Kicked him out
15. Had him arrested
16. Quit answering the phone
17. Cushioned him from every fall to show him kindness
18. Screamed and yelled outside of his hotel room
19. Tried to savatage his friendships with other drunks
20. Begged him:chatter
21. Cried


just to name a few........

baileyboop

Well, I did all you named except for 7 and 8 and 15. I wanted to do those though..lol
In addition to those things, I spied on him and confronted him with the BIG Evidence..that just hacked him off at me. I controlled all the incoming money for an extended period of time-he just cashed out and blew his 401 K. I punished him by withholding myself, silent treatments, ect. I think this just goes to prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that we cannot do anything to stop it. It is totally up to the A. Step one-We are POWERLESS..

Freedom1990

I think you pretty well covered all my bases, Stubborn!

LucyA

I told my bro he wouldn't see his son as an adult because he'd be dead before Joe grew up. That didn't work, and made me wake up pretty quick to the fact that nothing I said would work.

veryrestless722

the question would be what i didnt do to get him to stop, cause i tried everything


i didnt get pregnant to get him to stop , but i did have the thought that maybe it would cause him to slow down

ive done the hitting so dont feel bad, but it was mutual also

i tried limiting him to a certain number of beers

i screamed and hollered

brought up the past thinking he would learn from it

told him to leave

threatened divorce

and everything else, and none of it worked

FormerDoormat

Taking inventory of actions I took to control my alcoholic's behavior would keep the focus on him and not on me and would accomplish nothing. Taking inventory of what I need and want out of life and then aligning my actions to achieve those goals is a much healthier and better use of time.

prodigal

I never threatened my AH with consequences if he didn't get sober. Instead, I wasted my time and energy getting him admitted to two rehab programs. I knew he wasn't going to make it through the second rehab; was merely there to keep his boss appeased and off his back.

I think my craziness stemmed from what I put up with; and I put up with some outrageous behavior. I never confronted AH because I knew it would resolve nothing. I do recall having one very extended "rational" discussion with him about his drinking. Now THAT really was an exercise in insanity - my own!

brundle

Some on the list plus:

Looked the other way and just let him have his addictions.

Live in a complete altered state of reality so AH doesn't have to face what's really going on.

Both thinking if you give them enough rope they will hang themselves. So far it hasn't worked.

veryrestless722

i see what your saying, but i think its also good to list the things we tried so others know they arent alone in their actions. I know it helps me to realize i wasnt the only "crazy codie" and part of my recovery is looking at everything i did and learning from them and it really has nothing to do with him anymore, those were my actions not his

GrowingPains

-abstained from alcohol myself when he would
-educated myself on alcoholism and telling him what I'd learned
-thanked him for either not drinking or drinking responsibly
-was designated driver
-thought maybe he could learn to moderate if he tried hard enough
-believed in him
-tried to be the 'perfect' wife
-begged, cried, discussed, screamed, verbally abused, emotionally abused
-hit him a few times
-intervention with his family members backing me
-made him sleep on the couch when he drank too much
-sleep in another room myself when he drank too much
-be very considerate
-be very inconsiderate
-hung out with the guy friend of mine he hated most whenever he'd go to the bar (maybe an emotional affair, but not physical)
-pay lots of attention to him
-ignore him completely
-let him know which of his friends I liked and which ones I thought sucked
-found new friends and pursued my own interests
-be available for him on weekends
-be unavailable for him on weekends
-empty threats
-let him know I'd been getting crushes on other guys
-tried to accept him for 'who he is'
-prayer
-sweat lodge
-bailed him out
-drove him to work every day when his license was suspended
-told him I'd never bail him out again
-recorded him while he was trashed with a digital camera and showed it to him when he was sober
-asked him to choose between being married/living here and alcohol
-watched him move out with the expectation he would change his mind

At least his moving out has given me peace of mind and perspective. Finding new friends and pursuing my own interests didn't stop his drinking (I'd hoped to lead by example) but it turned my life around.

blessed4x

I've done a bunch of stuff on your list. I am embarrassed to admit that I even watered down his vodka......oh my gosh, what was I thinking?! He was probably even more smug because he could drink a whole fifth and barely feel buzzed.

I still have some moments of temporary insanity, but for the most part I no longer take nightly inventory of how much he has had, try to beg and plead, I never try to reason (I'd have way better luck reasoning with the dog), and I couldn't water down his bottles if I wanted because I stopped searching for them. Wow, I feel like I've really evolved since I found this place a few months ago!! Thanks for reminding me.

veryrestless722

blessed4x -- i did the same thing with the vodka, and got away with it for a while too, til he stuck the bottle in the freezer one night and it froze, so i was busted then , course then i had to buy more so it didnt really accomplish anything lol

Learning how

I did many of the things on your list, (1,12,13,14,16,20,21 for sure)
I also did things that turned out to be classic and even in some of the alanon reading.
I poured out the beer,
I hid the beer,
I drank as much of the beer as I could so he couldn't. (very stupid as I only got sick and he got more. )
I overlooked his behavior,
I told myself it was normal. (doesn't everyone come home and "fall asleep" in their chairs?, in the car, on the floor, in the geranium? )
I tried harder, this one took me years, I picked up the slack for everything, as he did less and less I did more and more.

Then thank God I found help for myself. Thanks for getting me to look back and see that I have made progress.
:bounce

dor5711

Looks like we all did everything we could to try and make it stop. I recognize myself in much of your list. My AXSO said if we had gotten married, this wouldn't have happened. Thank the good Lord we didn't! Made it much easier to get him out of my house and he's not my responsibility.

Hugs,
Doreen

denny57

Until I got into Al Anon I didn't even know what "sobriety" was, so I never tried anything to get him sober. I just kept diminishing myself to hopefully get him to drink less. It never dawned on me to ask him to stop.

mamaplus2kids

Okay, I've done many of the things above. I don't think filing for divorce was not wrong, nor was not answering the phone.

freeflower

growing pains, i did just about everything you said except, I moved out...after 28.5 years.

Blondie

I begged him a few times and left overnight for a few times and cried a few times and had "talks" a few times and nothing worked. Then I went to counseling and al-anon. I gave up trying to fix him and left him to his own problems. I just concentrated on taking care of me and the kids. Whatever happens to him is his own fault because he refuses to get help and laughs in the faces of anyone that even suggests he's an alcoholic (even professionals). I can honestly say that after an 18 year marriage, I really don't have any feelings for him. We still live together, but he is rarely home. I dream of the day when I can have my own little peaceful trailor somewhere instead of this depressing "nice" house that is falling apart just like our marriage.