Speed bump on the recovery road...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Speed bump on the recovery road...
I left my AH almost one year ago; began posting reading on SR and attending Alanon a short time after that. No doubts about ending that relationship; I did the dance with him for about four months before I left of giving him second, third etc. chances – but clearly (and with much disbelief) realized that he wasn’t doing anything to change. So, I left with my DD and have not reconsidered my decision, ever. I filed for divorce in January, but we have not gone to court yet so technically we are still married.
We lived in a rural area; and when I left I also left behind almost my entire social network. All my former friends and neighbors have rushed in to continue to enable my X; as I am the evil one for abandoning the poor helpless man (he is disabled). Even my family seemed to have been more supportive of him than me. And I left our dream home that I had poured my heart into decorating and landscaping over the last 20 years.
I was hurting and felt very betrayed. It was winter time, I isolated somewhat during the cold and snow. I have never been out-going and have trouble making friends. After a few months I moved to a small town near my X; to get back into my DD’s school district and nearer to her friends. It’s a bedroom community to the larger city where I work; about 30 min. away. That complicates socializing, because once I get home, entertainment options are limited; and I don’t want to stay in town and leave my DD home alone.
Springtime came, and it had been about six months since I left. I felt I was ready to try dating, so I joined an online dating site. The responses were sort of overwhelming, and a huge boost to my ego and self confidence. I had lots of good dates, some really bad dates, but didn’t take any of it too seriously and was having a good time. Meanwhile, I met some of my new neighbors who, as the weather turned warmer, began to gather regularly at my next-door neighbor’s house and socialize (i.e. drink beer). It felt so good to start to make friends in my new home and to find a new social network.
My neighbor’s best friend was there often, even though he lives in the larger city. Long story short – he pursued me and our friends did a little matchmaking and we eventually started a romantic relationship. He “broke up” with his girlfriend to go out with me. That concerned me some; but felt that his friends knew the situation better than I did and they assured me that there was no reason to be worried. I also had observed how much time he spent at my neighbor’s – and the girlfriend was NEVER with him.
Of course this all leads up to the problem – he and “girlfriend” had bought a house together. She was going to move out, but decided to use that to pressure him to stay with her. She gave him an ultimatum to work on their relationship or sell the house. He gave in; and broke up with me. But, can we still be friends? If I say no, I am afraid I will lose all my friends and my social network – AGAIN. If I say yes I will be happy to still be able to talk to him, but -- frankly will really miss having the romantic relationship.
So I said yes. And my sponsor kicked me in my a$$ and in no uncertain terms said absolutely, positively do not have a friendship with him. He came over last night on his way home from work; and I was going to tell him; and I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. Just thinking about it sends me into a panic. I can’t give up this relationship; that thought is more upsetting than leaving my AH (married for 25 years!!!). I know this is a sign of some kind of character defect – but I don’t know what and I am nowhere near ready to have it removed. And I’m also stressing about telling my sponsor that I couldn’t do it.
So, I am telling you all about it. Partly just to finally write it all out, and also to get more insight from all of you who are so much farther along than me. . . .
We lived in a rural area; and when I left I also left behind almost my entire social network. All my former friends and neighbors have rushed in to continue to enable my X; as I am the evil one for abandoning the poor helpless man (he is disabled). Even my family seemed to have been more supportive of him than me. And I left our dream home that I had poured my heart into decorating and landscaping over the last 20 years.
I was hurting and felt very betrayed. It was winter time, I isolated somewhat during the cold and snow. I have never been out-going and have trouble making friends. After a few months I moved to a small town near my X; to get back into my DD’s school district and nearer to her friends. It’s a bedroom community to the larger city where I work; about 30 min. away. That complicates socializing, because once I get home, entertainment options are limited; and I don’t want to stay in town and leave my DD home alone.
Springtime came, and it had been about six months since I left. I felt I was ready to try dating, so I joined an online dating site. The responses were sort of overwhelming, and a huge boost to my ego and self confidence. I had lots of good dates, some really bad dates, but didn’t take any of it too seriously and was having a good time. Meanwhile, I met some of my new neighbors who, as the weather turned warmer, began to gather regularly at my next-door neighbor’s house and socialize (i.e. drink beer). It felt so good to start to make friends in my new home and to find a new social network.
My neighbor’s best friend was there often, even though he lives in the larger city. Long story short – he pursued me and our friends did a little matchmaking and we eventually started a romantic relationship. He “broke up” with his girlfriend to go out with me. That concerned me some; but felt that his friends knew the situation better than I did and they assured me that there was no reason to be worried. I also had observed how much time he spent at my neighbor’s – and the girlfriend was NEVER with him.
Of course this all leads up to the problem – he and “girlfriend” had bought a house together. She was going to move out, but decided to use that to pressure him to stay with her. She gave him an ultimatum to work on their relationship or sell the house. He gave in; and broke up with me. But, can we still be friends? If I say no, I am afraid I will lose all my friends and my social network – AGAIN. If I say yes I will be happy to still be able to talk to him, but -- frankly will really miss having the romantic relationship.
So I said yes. And my sponsor kicked me in my a$$ and in no uncertain terms said absolutely, positively do not have a friendship with him. He came over last night on his way home from work; and I was going to tell him; and I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. Just thinking about it sends me into a panic. I can’t give up this relationship; that thought is more upsetting than leaving my AH (married for 25 years!!!). I know this is a sign of some kind of character defect – but I don’t know what and I am nowhere near ready to have it removed. And I’m also stressing about telling my sponsor that I couldn’t do it.
So, I am telling you all about it. Partly just to finally write it all out, and also to get more insight from all of you who are so much farther along than me. . . .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
:ghug3
NIS, I could have written your post as I too felt the isolation and betrayal of former "friends" and relatives when I divorced. My X also has a visible disability due to him being drunk and having a single car accident. I am sorry this has been hard on you, and I think I have an idea of the feelings....it is so darn hard.
I don't have any ESH on the dating thing as I have not started that because I am still isolating a bit, and frankly I am afraid I am going to glom onto the first man, probably an addict or alcoholic that walks by, ignore red flags, and go into my denial dance. I know my man picker is far from healthy and my self esteem needs to keep going up. But, boy do I desire a relationship and it makes me sad to be so very lonely in that department.
I know when I have overwhelming reactions to something I have hit a hot button topic and I will take it to my counselor and work throught the issues.
I also know when I am having a big emotional response I need to think and maybe not make a decision for a time. Take it one day at a time and perhaps make a "temporary" decision. Also, since I know I have self esteem issues I often ask myself, "How would a person with high self esteem respond in this situation?"
Thanks for posting today.
NIS, I could have written your post as I too felt the isolation and betrayal of former "friends" and relatives when I divorced. My X also has a visible disability due to him being drunk and having a single car accident. I am sorry this has been hard on you, and I think I have an idea of the feelings....it is so darn hard.
I don't have any ESH on the dating thing as I have not started that because I am still isolating a bit, and frankly I am afraid I am going to glom onto the first man, probably an addict or alcoholic that walks by, ignore red flags, and go into my denial dance. I know my man picker is far from healthy and my self esteem needs to keep going up. But, boy do I desire a relationship and it makes me sad to be so very lonely in that department.
I know when I have overwhelming reactions to something I have hit a hot button topic and I will take it to my counselor and work throught the issues.
I also know when I am having a big emotional response I need to think and maybe not make a decision for a time. Take it one day at a time and perhaps make a "temporary" decision. Also, since I know I have self esteem issues I often ask myself, "How would a person with high self esteem respond in this situation?"
Thanks for posting today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Dear Now,
I think YOU have the right to determine what is best for you--not your sponsor, not your old or new friends, not even the guy. Just you. What feels healthy? What feels like it feeds YOUR soul. I imagine that is where your sponsor is going with her advice, as in what is the best thing for YOUR self-esteem and forward growth in this new life you are walking. You don't have to make a hasty decision here. Time is on your side. Take it one day at a time and do what feels right for you, in your gut. You sound good to me, and happy, even with the break-up. It didn't devastate you, and you are surviving it. So trust in yourself that you will know what is right for you.
I know that young people, when facing a break-up within both parties' circle of friends, do seem to able to adjust and still remain friends with their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, rather than give up their entire circle. Maybe because they are healthier in their self-images and confident in who they are. Are you confident enough to do this? This would be where I would do the work, again, on ME. Not for someone else or because of someone else's wishes, but what I know in my gut is BEST FOR ME. Good luck!
I think YOU have the right to determine what is best for you--not your sponsor, not your old or new friends, not even the guy. Just you. What feels healthy? What feels like it feeds YOUR soul. I imagine that is where your sponsor is going with her advice, as in what is the best thing for YOUR self-esteem and forward growth in this new life you are walking. You don't have to make a hasty decision here. Time is on your side. Take it one day at a time and do what feels right for you, in your gut. You sound good to me, and happy, even with the break-up. It didn't devastate you, and you are surviving it. So trust in yourself that you will know what is right for you.
I know that young people, when facing a break-up within both parties' circle of friends, do seem to able to adjust and still remain friends with their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, rather than give up their entire circle. Maybe because they are healthier in their self-images and confident in who they are. Are you confident enough to do this? This would be where I would do the work, again, on ME. Not for someone else or because of someone else's wishes, but what I know in my gut is BEST FOR ME. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
He “broke up” with his girlfriend to go out with me.
That concerned me some; but felt that his friends knew the situation better than I did and they assured me that there was no reason to be worried. I also had observed how much time he spent at my neighbor’s – and the girlfriend was NEVER with him.
Of course this all leads up to the problem – he and “girlfriend” had bought a house together. She gave him an ultimatum to work on their relationship or sell the house. He gave in; and broke up with me.
She was going to move out, but decided to use that to pressure him to stay with her.
Until I could bring a whole and emotionally healthy me to the table in a relationship, the only relationships I attracted were dysfunctional. I was glad to accept those kinds of relationships because I was still needy after leaving the AH and looking for happiness and validation on the outside.
Happiness is an inside job.
I lowered my bar of standards so badly before I truly worked on my codependency issues that no one could have done the limbo under that one.
My sponsor would have done the same thing. I needed/need a tough sponsor who will call me on my BS.
As long as you continue to search outside of self for validation and love, it will never ever be enough, regardless of who it is, and there will be drama or chaos or dysfunction or all three in the relationship.
Believe me, I spent 12 long years after I left the AH, neatly ignored my sponsor's advice, and consequently suffered a lot more pain in more relationships. I too refused to let go of my neediness and work on self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Thanks all. Freedom - I know in my head you are right. It's so hard to convince my heart. It really pushes some buttons inside me; I know I am on the verge of a major breakthrough if I can deal with this. Is it wrong to wish it would be easy (LOL)!
Although - I may be getting closer . . . This morning I was leaving to run some errands and have to go through the alley to get out to the street. Right when I got to the end of the alley his truck was there, blocking the street as he was picking up something at my neighbors. I waited a bit while he moved his truck, then rolled down my window. As he got out I shouted out at him "Hey, get out of my way." Then I saw his gf sitting in his truck. He just smiled and said "I'm trying". I rolled up my window and kept driving.
Reality check! Now I need to tell him that for real -- "Get out of my way"!
Although - I may be getting closer . . . This morning I was leaving to run some errands and have to go through the alley to get out to the street. Right when I got to the end of the alley his truck was there, blocking the street as he was picking up something at my neighbors. I waited a bit while he moved his truck, then rolled down my window. As he got out I shouted out at him "Hey, get out of my way." Then I saw his gf sitting in his truck. He just smiled and said "I'm trying". I rolled up my window and kept driving.
Reality check! Now I need to tell him that for real -- "Get out of my way"!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Atta girl!!!!!!!
I know for me, had it been easy, I really wouldn't have learned anything, you know?
Those were a very long 12 years, and I added a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache to my life because I refused to walk through the discomfort of those issues.
You're not alone! :ghug
I know for me, had it been easy, I really wouldn't have learned anything, you know?
Those were a very long 12 years, and I added a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache to my life because I refused to walk through the discomfort of those issues.
You're not alone! :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I did it!!! I asked him to come over tonight, and I told him that "being friends" was not working. I knew all day that I wasn't going to back down this time. The pain was too much. I know I agreed to the friendship so I would at least have something, I knew I was selling myself short but I was so scared to lose him completely. He tried to understand, but I could tell he did not get it. I was very calm and so was he. But I was also firm and did not waver. I feel so much better and like I have my dignity back.
I can see where I chose to ignore the red flags. I even knew it deep down when I was doing it. I will call it progress though, because I was rationalizing this time instead of being in denial.
I'm hoping I've grown enough that next time --- well that there won't be a next time!
I can see where I chose to ignore the red flags. I even knew it deep down when I was doing it. I will call it progress though, because I was rationalizing this time instead of being in denial.
I'm hoping I've grown enough that next time --- well that there won't be a next time!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gosh, Darlin' I think it might be time to change your screen name, 'cause you just won 
I'm glad you have your dignity back. I know that mine is one of my most priceless possessions, something that no one can ever take away from me.
Hugs,
GL
I'm glad you have your dignity back. I know that mine is one of my most priceless possessions, something that no one can ever take away from me.
Hugs,
GL
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