bluetoy81

My girlfriend is in rehab for cocaine abuse and during one of my weekly calls she told me that her counsellor thought it was best if we broke up, cuz recovering addicts need at least a year to focus on themselves without distractions caused by relationship issues. She's in the USA and I'm in the Caribbean..so it's very tough, it's especially hard since I was the one who got her to stop using and to seek help from a reputable rehab clinic. She's getting really homesick, thinking of her life back home, and her counsellor thinks with me out of the way she'll be better...but her family is here as well, so I don't see why I have to go. I've supported her throughout her stay there, sent her care packages and other stuff that she needed....now she tells me that her counsellor says that she has to break it off...I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I'm not the bad guy here but it seems like I'm being punished....I was willing to do anything to help her to get better, little did I know it meant sacrificing our relationship. I read one of the posts earlier ( from 'smoke gets in my eyes' ) and it said that counsellors sometimes advise against starting new relationships[quote][quote]..I can understand that....but to destroy a positive, supportive relationship??..maybe I'm being selfish but I don't agree with that. She's torn up over the idea of us ending but her counsellors have helped her a great deal and she is terrified but determined to follow their instructions to a 'T'.....
I've been to several counselling sessions with her before she went to rehab and the counsellors told her family that she was lucky to have a guy like me who truly loved her for who she is and was genuinely supportive.....this makes me wonder if the counsellors at her chosen rehab centre are just 'following a set rule' to terminate relationships.
I'm supposed to have a talk with her counsellor over the phone so maybe things will work out for the best.
I don't mind the waiting cuz I'l lbe getting back the woman I love and she'll be on a new journey through life... I just thought that I'd be the one standing next to her along the way....
Any advice on what I should do ?? should I just let go or fight for the woman I love?

liesagain

As the wife of an addict, and having gone thru way to many relapses, broken promises and crushed hopes and dreams a big part of me says your being given a gift and to RUN as far as you can

BUT, I know thats not what you want to hear it wasnt and STill isnt what I want to hear and I ALREADY know what this life with an addict has in store~~~

My other thought is, that alot of what they say in treatment is twisted and not at all what is being said by the therapist
and you may find after talking with her therapist that this is the case

I guess at this point my recommendation would be for you to use the time that shes in treatment, for you to learn as much as possible about addiction, to truely understand what your life may be like

because addiction IS A FOREVER thing there is NO CURE, and less than 5% of those that complete treatment STAY clean,,,,

ADDICTION is not only uncurable it is progressive, so as you read stories here and think to yourself "well she hasnt done this or that" please keep in mine the word ```YET

because as the addiction progresses there is NO end the the lengths they go to support their addiction

peace to you

bluetoy81

Thanks so much for your advice...I'm truly at a loss as to what to do. That old saying about opposites attract applies to us. Although I'm certainly not a prude...I don't do drugs or smoke and although at times I have a little too much to drink the occasions are so few and far between that it can't be considered a problem. As much as I love my girlfriend a part of me is worried that she may never fully get better, cuz as you said there is no cure for addiction. We live on a small island with a booming tourist trade so there's always drugs available...it's so easy for her to get trapped again cuz alot of her friends do it and she can't really go anywhere without running into one of them. I fear she may have no choice but to look for a living in another country, there is still the possibility of relapse but with a bigger playground she might be able to avoid the temptation of a relapse for a longer time. She gets terribly homesick so I don't see her staying away indefinitely.
I don't know if i can handle the relapses, the broken promises, crushed hopes stc..stc...but I love her and I don't want to desert her like everyone else in her life has.

Stubborn1

Her counselor may not understand your role in the matter so I would wait it out until you talk to him/her. Sometimes boyfriends can be triggers for them to use so he's probably thinking that and also if she is focusing on you and making YOU happy then she's not getting sober for the right reasons. See what I mean? You don't have to leave just back out and let her work the program to the fullest. You'll be glad you did. If you are clean and sober then chances are you may still be there when she is better.
Or.........she might get clean and think you are not right for her. Which ever......it's HER choice and you should respect her program if you really LOVE her.
Good luck.

bluetoy81

Thanks

denny57

I'm not that powerful. I think it's great she is getting help, but what if she starts up again - will you be the one who caused that?

Sometimes doing the right this is extremely difficult and painful. If the professional thinks it best she be on her own right now, can you abide by that? If you choose to stay involved and your girlfriend relapses, do you think you will blame yourself for not listening to a professional?

Figuring out my motivations was a huge part of my recovery. Al Anon and individual therapy really helped.

Good luck!

bluetoy81

Thanks for the advice Denny57...man this is hard !!....having you guys to sound off on is really helping though...I'm filled with so many thoughts it's not funny !!...

The truth is that whether I'm in her life or not she'll have the possibility of a relapse..I think I would feel better if I had a hand in keeping her away from that, true I can't be with her 24/7 so most of it depends on her and what she's learnt from rehab.....and of course I would feel bad if she had a relapse cuz of me but it could happen regardless, and I would feel much worse if she had a relapse and I wasn't there...she is already so angry at the possibility of not having me anymore that she could have a relapse just as easily.....you asked me if I could live with myself, I would be devastated but let me ask you this ...are professional counsellors held accountable if they make mistakes and screw up a positive part of a person's life, and cause a relapse??.. (afterall some are recovering/recovered addicts too, still fighting to control their inner demons as well)...or are they given that right because they are called 'professional'??..or do they blame the individual as not being strong enough and not putting the 12 step program teachings into practise??. Counsellors have to remember that people are individuals and should never be sent to a course of action that does not help their situation , no matter what 'the book' says. It's a life and death situation that's why I will abide by whatever the 'professional' says whether I like it or not.....once it gives her a chance to try to reclaim some semblance of a normal life...I just hope the counsellors realize that too.
It's easy to have family & loved ones sign documents with a disclaimer cuz rehabs don't gaurantee anything....if they aren't willing to put their asses on the line and accept some responsibility then I don't think they should have such potentially life altering decision making power. Some counsellors might even enjoy the power trip of having people's lives in their hands..or maybe they had to end their relationships and it toughened them up and they want someone else to experience it too..that doesn't mean that it's right for that person however......not all relationships are bad and some of us guys are still down home good guys.

But....it's not up to me...

prodigal

I'm responding to this as someone who has been married to two alcoholics. As far as I am aware, no human being has the power to make an alcoholic pick up a drink and relapse. That alone is within the control of the addict.

I dealt with quite a few counselors in three rehab facilities. My AH is still a drunk. The counselors did their jobs. My AH chose all by himself to relapse. I found that the folks trying to help him had a live and let live attitude. They did what they could to educate my AH, but he ultimately made his own choices.

NoelleR

Hey bluetoy81 ----

I figured I'd post here at least part of what I posted over on the other thread..... (o:

This whole 'no relationship' rule (sic) originally came from an old AA suggestion to not make any major changes in early recovery. This devolved into no NEW relationships in the first year of recovery.....and now (?) they're breaking up already existing relationships (non-toxic).....and at the rehab level....? I'm sorry.........this is !@#$%^%#!!!!!!

Unless and until rehabs are having folks divorce their spouses, and having parents give up their children for adoption, then they need to leave well enough alone! ..... and I don't see them doing any of these things any time soon..............lolol



NoelleR

denny57

I think that applies to many people, not just counselors. I had to examine what I was getting out of thinking I could be the catalyst for someone getting sober, staying sober, etc. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me.

Hope you'll post again after you've had the chat.

ChangingMyself

Hi bluetoy81,

A couple of months ago, the GettingThemSober newsletters addressed this very issue. The first dated 8/26 was the September 2008 GettingThemSober Recovery Tip of the Month (as these are somewhat lengthy I tried posting links but I see I cannot do so as I have not yet made enough posts to the forum - the GettingThemSober web site is a dot-com by that same name and the Recovery Tip of the Month section is linked from the left side of the home page. The Sept. '08 newsletter is the first posting on the 2008 page).

The 8/27 GettingThemSober newsletter further addressed this topic:

"hi, everyone.... After I sent out the last newsletter, about how unfortunately, many alcoholism counselors are telling the newly-sober alcoholic that there are "triggers' that will make him drink, someone on the bulletin board posted a question asking why this is happening. Here is my reply that I posted to her on the discussion bulletin board on the (GettingThemSober) website.

A. I feel that what is going on with many rehabs today, is but an extension of what has been going on for years.

To give a little history of the attacks on the families of alcoholics, I've, here, below, copied and pasted the "September, 2002, Recovery Tip of the Month" from that section of this website. (TO NEWCOMERS--it's a good idea to go to that section and read through those tips of the month. Even when some of them might appear to be irrelevant to your situation at this time, the information may be quite helpful in the future. Why? Because as things change in alcoholism----as the disease progresses-----situations can change quicker than the weather//circumstsancs pop-up that one never dealt with before ----and having facts ahead of time as to what one will probably face, and how to deal with it, gives one so much more peace when it happens.)

(September '02 Recovery Tip of the Month)

(The following sections appeared in the newsletter but not the original Sep. '02 Recovery Tip of the Month):

"B. 38 years ago, I started attending open-to-the-public meetings of Al-Anon, as do many health practitioners. And in those early meetings, the oldtimers said over and over, that the spouse of the alcoholic would often get more hostility from their adult children than from the alcoholic himself.

I saw as the years went on, that these un-treated (ACOA's) adult children of alcoholics often are so much angrier at the non-addicted spouse than they are at the alcoholic. And these ACOA's are a really mixed-bag. They often do what I call the 'ACOA Flip-Flop".........one day they are angry with you and the next, they support you. They seem like they really understand--------and bam, they are pulling the rug out from under you.

Too many times over the decades, I get calls even from friends who are in Al-Anon for well over 30 years, that their adult children are punishing them for staying with their alcoholic husbands. The ACOA's tell them that they won't let them see their grandchildren "while they are still in that toxic relationship".
So, the 'choice' is "see your grandchildren if you divorce" ------or "you can't see your grandchildren".

Unfortunately, this is the dirty little secret of the adult-children-of-alcoholics movement.
It's called "let's up the blame on the non-addicted parent".

It's not only that they expect perfection from their non-addicted parent. Even when the parent "does as they are told" by the ACOA------- the ACOA often then raises the hoop! The expectations are then 'upped' so that the parent, in order to stay in the ACOA's good graces-------- must continually dance to the tune of this flip-flopping adult child......and 'perform' often in an opposite way one day and again, change her behavior, the next day.

(Often when I am counseling, the wife of the alcoholic will tell me how her oldest daughter was supportive last month-----and for no reason, this month, she has turned against the mom and berates her for leaving the alcoholic......this, after years of telling her that she should do just that! I often then tell the wife of the alcoholic to wait------ that in a few weeks or a month or so, the ACOA will change her tune again, and once more, inexplicably change her mind back to supporting her. That the ACOA is in the "flip" part of the "flip flopping" behavior. That she'll "approve" of her mom's choices pretty soon again-----and then, she'll "flop" out of approval after that, and then back again, etc etc etc. And I tell the mom to use her emotional detachment tools that she learned, in order to pull back when the ACOA is in "flop" mode.......knowing that it will turn around again after that.)

Crazy crazy junk.

C.) Problem is------- these ACOA behaviors------ these angry-at-the-non-addicted-parent behaviors------- manifest themselves by the ACOA's who have gotten into the helping professions and are often hired by treatment centers as counselors.

But worse ----these mental-health practitioner ACOA's who are still angry at their non-addicted parents and who expect perfection from them and have contempt for them when they cannot be perfect--------- are often the ones training the counselors in the professional schools of social work, counseling, etc. (More than 75% of mental-health//health professionals today are un-treated ACOA's).
That is often why there is this "your spouse is your trigger to drinking again" message that is taught to future counselors in treatment centers........ a message that of course filters down to the patients themselves.

D.) Years ago, the counselors in alcoholism treatment centers were almost all recovering alcoholics who were sober a long time, and who never counseled patients that there were "triggers" to get them drunk. Those counselors used the A.A. methods of telling them that "nothing can get you drunk".
And back then, the recovery rate was often well over 90% in those treatment centers.

But in the last number of years, many------not all, thank goodness------ treatment centers are hiring more ACOA mental-health practitioners than recovering alcoholics.......... ACOA's who don't really know squat about how this disease REALLY works......and who give this mental-health-approach message to the alcoholic, rather than use the A.A. approach about how to stay sober.
Millions of alcoholics who are sober in A.A. now-----would often not be sober------if they were told that there are 'triggers' that get them drunk------- rather than 'NOTHING can get you drunk!" (one of the most hopeful and effective things that recovering alcoholic oldtimers tell newcomers in A.A.).

E.) Please forward this newsletter on to others who may benefit from it.......... best to all in recovery, Toby

from Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books"

bluetoy81

Spoke to my girlfriend last night and this is what happened..
The counsellor told her that it was not negotiable so there would be no conference call to explain or discuss anything..basically it was a done deal whether my girlfriend and I liked it or not. My girlfriend didn't know how to tell me so she was having a hard time calling.... I called last night cuz she leaves for her halfway house in two days and I wanted to catch her before she leaves.
I figured she was having a hard time and I don't want to put her under any more pressure. So I told her that she was fighting to save her life while I was fighting to save our relationship, so I think that she should focus on getting herself recovered at all costs and if that meant me having to go away that I would take myself out of the equation for her sake. I told her that while she was taking a year to find herself that I would do the same thing and find out more about myself, and if we meet on the same path after rehab then we will have a stronger foundation to build on.
She said that she felt really relieved and she really didn't know how to tell me that the counsellor didn't even want to hear anything about 'us'.
Her family has issues as well and the counsellor was mainly concerned that it wouldn't be beneficial for her to come back to that environment since all of them aren't dealing with their problems. My girlfriend is very aware of her family's unwillingness to deal with their emotions so she understands why she can't come back home until they deal with them. Her counsellor's thoughts were that I would be a main part of her wanting to come back...so in light of how everything stands now...she might be away for longer than a year or until her family starts to better themselves.
She wants to stay in contact and I want to stay in contact too.....but I feel that will have some impact on her recovery still......i'm torn about what to do in this regard...I know by remaining in contact I'm not really letting go....my brain knows what to do but my heart is getting in the way....but that's life isn't it...

Bernadette

my brain knows what to do but my heart is getting in the way....but that's life isn't it...

Oh Man - you said it!!!!!

I admire your calmness and maturity bluetoy. This is some very difficult stuff. Try to just take it one day at a time. What you said about using this year to find out about YOU sounds like a wonderful & worthwhile challenge to yourself- to focus on your own problems, dreams, goals etc. If you stay true to that you really cannot go wrong. It will not be easy to give your gf and yourself that kind of space, but it will be worth it.

Prayers for your strength--
B.

Marie_A

Just

This makes me mad. I really wonder what it is with these counsellors who advise practically everybody - and in that case, it's an order - to break off relationships, long-term or not. I see this very often.

When my xABF was in rehab, he was advised the same thing. Almost all the people that were at that rehab at the time were given the same advice. Hello????

Addict or not, people are able to make their own decisions. Especially that kind of decision.

Who do they think they are, these counsellors, to give that advice when they practically don't know the people they have in front of them, and their history? They only know what the addict tells them. And they don't even know the other person in the relationship.

This is a story that is repeating itself pretty often. Just look at the stories on the boards here.

GiveLove

Well, to add another perspective to things.........

My sister went in and out of rehab (she was a white-collar heroin addict) several times. Each time she came out, she came back to live with her husband, who - unbeknownst to anybody - was still using. He was also incredibly codependent, and tried to find lots of ways to contact her because he couldn't stand the thought of not being in contact, even for a few weeks.

And each time she relapsed. Not AT ALL blaming him exclusively for her poor choices, but in that case a change of environment (meaning:him) might just have increased her chances of surviving. She didn't.

I see counselors as a mixed bag. But the best of them are just trying every trick they know to get the addict/alcoholic to break the patterns that keep inviting them back into their drug. Even if it means giving relationships a cooling-out.

bluetoy81

Thanks for your words guys & gals...I'm going to need all of my strength (and I'm gonna borrow some from you too!!..lol) to get me through this. I've never been in a relationship like this before so i'll be flying blind and dealing with things slowly & thoughtfully.
I was a bit pissed at her counsellors but in hindsight, it is human nature to always do what we 'think' is best (even if it really sucks)....so I can't really fault them for following an imperfect system..cuz it's the only system they know. I just wish that they would give us 'other halves' a chance not all of us are bad for our addict girlfriends/boyfriends.
I was wondering if the counsellors severe all relationship ties cuz they want the A to realize that it is only them in this situation and if the A fails they only have themselves to blame?