I am really scared right now
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am really scared right now
I am about to leave for a Dr appt in the city I use to kick around in. I have noone to go with me. Today is payday. I have been feeling like total and complete **** lately.
And now I have had urges since last night. And today they are past the urge feeling and on to the anticipation feelings of when I am about to get ready to get high.
I feel shakey..sick to my stomach...jittery..anxious as hell. I am seeing myself grabbing the cell to take with me. And planing in my head how I am going to go to the dr come back and get my check and call in.
I have a serious case of the F its right now. But not to where I am reckless enough to just not try at all.
I will have 4 mos Sun and I dont want to throw it away.
I cant go back out there.
I know all this. But AV is kicking and screaming like crazy right now.
I feel like if I am going to feel like I have for the past month. Which is no different than when I was using. WHy not get high. Numb this depression and anger.
I am backsliding fast. And have been for awhile now.
I feel like I am fighting demoinc possession as I type this.
I am fighting but I am so tired of it all. So tired of fighting all the time and feeling no relief from this unknown pain I feel inside all the time.
And now I have had urges since last night. And today they are past the urge feeling and on to the anticipation feelings of when I am about to get ready to get high.
I feel shakey..sick to my stomach...jittery..anxious as hell. I am seeing myself grabbing the cell to take with me. And planing in my head how I am going to go to the dr come back and get my check and call in.
I have a serious case of the F its right now. But not to where I am reckless enough to just not try at all.
I will have 4 mos Sun and I dont want to throw it away.
I cant go back out there.
I know all this. But AV is kicking and screaming like crazy right now.
I feel like if I am going to feel like I have for the past month. Which is no different than when I was using. WHy not get high. Numb this depression and anger.
I am backsliding fast. And have been for awhile now.
I feel like I am fighting demoinc possession as I type this.
I am fighting but I am so tired of it all. So tired of fighting all the time and feeling no relief from this unknown pain I feel inside all the time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Can you cancel the apptment and reschedule for a different day? You are doing so well C. I'm having to leave to go back to work, but others will be here to help you ghrough it and I ddin't want to not respond 
Really think about...have you really been miserable the whole time you've been sober? Or is that just what you are remembering at the moment????
It's sometimes hard for me to remember all the good in a bad moment...
Really think about...have you really been miserable the whole time you've been sober? Or is that just what you are remembering at the moment????
It's sometimes hard for me to remember all the good in a bad moment...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Chi, It is a big step to do the first thing to not use. You have reached out for support. That shows your willingness to go to any length to stay clean. You have made it this far and you can prevail. If you have played through the beginning of relapse then play through the rest of the ordeal. The withdraw, depression, guilt, remorse and having to cover your tracks. What will you tell work when you return? What will you tell yourself in the am? How will you feel.
You are not alone in this. You have people here who will love to hear from you tonight when you return from work clean and sober. When I felt like this I would pray every step of the way. I would pray to get me past the first block and so on until I got home-safe and sober. I will say prayers for you today as you try to make it through your day. I hope to hear from you tonight on SR! Best of love and wishes for you today.
You are not alone in this. You have people here who will love to hear from you tonight when you return from work clean and sober. When I felt like this I would pray every step of the way. I would pray to get me past the first block and so on until I got home-safe and sober. I will say prayers for you today as you try to make it through your day. I hope to hear from you tonight on SR! Best of love and wishes for you today.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
OMG Trish! Cancel the appointment. I don't think you should go today. Is it just a regular check up or do you need it on an emergency basis? If its not an emergency then for God sake hon - C A N C E L it! I know you have been hurting and angry lately. It has shown. Using isn't going to improve your emotions it will only add another emotion of desperation. Don't - don't - don't! We love you so much and you have always had kind words for people and encouraged many on here. Take all the encouragement you give to others and envelope yourself with it right now. Keep posting Trish and please don't throw in that towel - please! I am praying heavily for you right now and I know that is not the road you take, but I have seen it help others.
Love you kiddo! Please keep posting and cancel the damn doctor's appointment if you can. Get someone to go with you next time. You are too close to danger right now.
:ghug3
Love you kiddo! Please keep posting and cancel the damn doctor's appointment if you can. Get someone to go with you next time. You are too close to danger right now.
:ghug3
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Trish...
Good for you reaching out! Reschedule that apt and get on the phone and call someone!!! YOu KNOW it's your addict voice talking to you hon...you are stronger than it is!!!
You've come so far...you can get through this!!!
Karen
Good for you reaching out! Reschedule that apt and get on the phone and call someone!!! YOu KNOW it's your addict voice talking to you hon...you are stronger than it is!!!
You've come so far...you can get through this!!!
Karen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I agree..cancel the appt. if you can. I also agree with Ananda. Go back and read your post from when you went out of town with your family, or when you got the van. I know you're struggling, but you have come so far and even though it feels like it, it hasn't all been bad.
I'm having some major problems at work, and really wanted to use the other day...I came home and clung to my SR friends until it passed. Do whatever it takes. You KNOW it's not going to be worth it, and you KNOW how you're going to feel if you use...we've both tried it before and ended up hating ourselves even more afterward.
Luv ya!
Amy
I agree..cancel the appt. if you can. I also agree with Ananda. Go back and read your post from when you went out of town with your family, or when you got the van. I know you're struggling, but you have come so far and even though it feels like it, it hasn't all been bad.
I'm having some major problems at work, and really wanted to use the other day...I came home and clung to my SR friends until it passed. Do whatever it takes. You KNOW it's not going to be worth it, and you KNOW how you're going to feel if you use...we've both tried it before and ended up hating ourselves even more afterward.
Luv ya!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Trish, cancelling the appointment is probably the best choice.
And, then do something that helps you to forget about the cravings, even for a few minutes.
If you have to go to the dr today, then don't take your cell phone with you.
And, then do something that helps you to forget about the cravings, even for a few minutes.
If you have to go to the dr today, then don't take your cell phone with you.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Chi, you have been here before - and you know where it has led you in the past. There really is no time to play around, just cancel the dam appt, give someone the check, throw out your phone (not before calling someone to come over), lock yourself into a room and STAY PUT!
I agree with all the other posts: this moment has been in the making for a while, and while it would have been good to prevent it in the first place, you need to take drastic measures. Why? Because you know where this leads - not only the using, but to the mental hell hole you despise. I'm sorry you're suffering right now, but you might as well deal with it sober. reach out
check your pPM
I agree with all the other posts: this moment has been in the making for a while, and while it would have been good to prevent it in the first place, you need to take drastic measures. Why? Because you know where this leads - not only the using, but to the mental hell hole you despise. I'm sorry you're suffering right now, but you might as well deal with it sober. reach out
check your pPM
Last edited by Mattcake; 10-17-2008 at 08:35 AM. Reason: check your PM
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hy Chy,
I just got here but I am so hoping that you are taking care of yourself.
If you don't cancel, do not take the phone and take no money and no access to money.
Hang in there girl, we are all here for you!
I just got here but I am so hoping that you are taking care of yourself.
If you don't cancel, do not take the phone and take no money and no access to money.
Hang in there girl, we are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Chiy
I have no advice. I simply care. Only you know what you need to do to get past this.
Using won't numb anything. It will ultimately strip you of all you have accomplished. You will feel defeated. You will look back and wonder "why?"
Chiy, we have been there enough times to know. Is there a single time when you were glad that you used? After the fact? That is the beauty of months. We know that we will not experience different results. We know this for certain. You know this for certain. Please choose the path that will lead to certain elation. You know for certain that you will feel good tomorrow for having staved off the demon. You know for certain that you will feel like sh*t tomorrow if you don't.
In wither case we will be here, cheering you on. But, make it an intellectual choice. You have the courage to change the things you can...
love, warren
I have no advice. I simply care. Only you know what you need to do to get past this.
Using won't numb anything. It will ultimately strip you of all you have accomplished. You will feel defeated. You will look back and wonder "why?"
Chiy, we have been there enough times to know. Is there a single time when you were glad that you used? After the fact? That is the beauty of months. We know that we will not experience different results. We know this for certain. You know this for certain. Please choose the path that will lead to certain elation. You know for certain that you will feel good tomorrow for having staved off the demon. You know for certain that you will feel like sh*t tomorrow if you don't.
In wither case we will be here, cheering you on. But, make it an intellectual choice. You have the courage to change the things you can...
love, warren
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
On the day of my 4 months I had what you are describing as beyond cravings, it was that just before you get high anticipation, I KNOW how hard it is but as bad as you feel lately it will only make you feel WORSE. YOU KNOW ALL THIS! Please cancel the appt.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Everyone has said cancel the appointment so I'm not going to just repeat that as they are right. Sending you BIG HUGS...can you get to a meeting or speak to someone you know who understands what you are going. I hope you stay safe, you're doing so well and deserve all that you've achieved one day at a time. Love in fellowship
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