sodetermined

For the last few days I've been doing a lot of reading on codependency, etc. I am going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight (only my second one ever, the first one had just one person there, the person running the meeting). I'm trying to get back on track with my recovery, and focus less on the abf. I am working on a list of boundaries. I am really going to focus on Al-Anon. The meeting couldn't come soon enough for me right now.

Last night I had to take my son to counseling and also sign up for hunter's safety. ABF didn't want to go, of course. Hunter's safety sign ups ended up running over a little, so the counseling had to be rescheduled. So I got home to find an empty house. I assumed he was at his mom's. My initial reaction was to call there, find out what he's doing, ask if he's drinking, etc. He hangs out here a lot when he has no money for beer, because his 60 year old uncle is an alcoholic and always has a constant supply of beer. Well I talked myself right out of that behavior, and turned the radio on, did some dishes and laundry, actually enjoyed the peace and quiet.

When his mom dropped him off, my whole attitude changed. I immediately felt myself becoming anxious/angry. He was drinking, of course. He said he had to help his mom pack (because she is moving). So I said "you're drinking", and he said "I had a couple". So I remained calm, but I told him I wasn't happy, at all, and haven't been. I told him I wanted him out, that we are just going in different directions.

He said "whatever Wendy, I'm so tired of you kicking me out every day, all because I had a few beers". He says "fine, I'll pack my stuff tomorrow and be gone" (which wouldn't have happened anyway). And then we have a few more words, and stupid me tried "talking" to him about stuff......everyone knows you can't talk to an alcholic especially when drinking. That got me nowhere, only him yelling over me, and talking about how he feels, and how it's all my fault.

When Chris was in jail, I started confiding in another man, a friend. I guess you could even go so far as to say I had an emotional affair. I met the guy once, in public. But Chris found out about this. It was in May/June. I have apologized, tried convincing him that nothing physical happened, even though I was wrong for the emotional part of it. But he doesn't believe me, and still throws this in my face, daily. Every time we argue about anything, it's because of what I did. I have apologized countless times and I know that I was wrong, I shouldn't have done it. And I was e-mailing a man for a couple of weeks here recently. I have recognized internally that this is a problem that I need to deal with. But for God sakes, I am so tired of him blaming everything on that. He won't ever let me live it down.

So last night he ends up bringing that up. I gave up on trying to talk to him, and tell him I want help, I want to change and asked if he would go to a meeting. He has no desire. He is in denial, his drinking is not the problem, it's my bitching.....same old stuff.

So then....what do I do? I give him a hug, tell him I love him, and that I'm sorry I told him to leave, that I didn't mean it, but I really want things to change. I am all over the place!!!!! It's like I still have that fear of losing him....I have such a hard time thinking of letting go and not having him in my life, it scares me right back into where I'm comfortable....apparently living in misery.

And then I am mad at myself for "making up", and for keeping the cycle going. I don't want my son to end up like me, or like Chris. I want him to have a childhood filled with laughter, peace, security, and love. Last night wasn't too bad, because we were able to put an end to it quickly, and were able to talk. But some nights it's a huge yelling match. So then I feel like a horrible mom.

This morning, he tells me that he has to go help his mom move some stuff to her new house tonight. So I immediately start in about how I know he will be drinking and stuff, and I am going to Al-Anon but he doesn't want to change. He's frustrated that I'm "nagging" first thing in the morning. On the way to work he turns up the radio loud and is sitting over there as happy as can be, dancing, singing, like he doesn't have a care in the world. Sometimes I think he is happier than I am. And I ask how can he go about like there are no problems, like everything is perfect...and he says "No, I should be more like you and dwell on it, and bitch about stuff".

I can't even bring myself to be nice to him.......is it possible that he really is as happy as he portrays himself?

I'm just all over the place with my emotions, and I know my actions are just further enabling him....but it's so damn hard, how in the world do you detach with love? I mean is it really possible to just let them do what they want, without getting mad and letting it affect you? If so, HOW do you do this???

The I am sitting here at work, feeling guilty for being grouchy/mean to him, and frustrated that I can't bring myself to be nice and loving.

:wtf2

Stubborn1

Oh girl.......I have so been there. When you get tired of being all over the place you'll get out of it. It took me six or so years to realize that NOTHING will change if I did not change. He sure the heck isn't going to.
By having him move in and out he see's your threats as idle threats and no longer believes you.
He's very good at manipulating you. It sounds as if you only have two options with him and that's to accept he's a drinker and live with it or move on away from him. You are right that he's happier then you and you will come to resent that. To this day I still get mad because I know my ah could care less. I have to realize that I have three beautiful children that depend on MY happiness and health so I try not to let him affect me.
It's very hard when you are living with your A. It becomes so much easier to stay healthy when they are not there bringing you down.
When you get tired of this (acceptance) you will get yourself well (letting go and letting your HP take over). This is why the disease can make YOU sick as well.
So just for today........practice not allowing him to control the way you feel. Set boundaries in STONE. If he can not accept them then it's his choice. You are allowed to say "there is no alcohol EVER allowed to be in this house and if you are drinking then you will have to leave" be prepared to test you. If he's tired of getting tossed out then he'll have to come home sober won't he? My ah has a hard time with this as well. To this day it's MY fault he's not home. LMBO.......not.
I found that I'm rather a bit*h and a nag or codepenant.......I like being the bit*h because I'm safe here. My ah stays away and that's by HIS choice. He knows I don't want the alcohol around........I hate to say it but you eventually get over it and him. You sound as if you have a lot of love to give the right person.
Don't allow him to make you feel as if you've done something wrong. HE is the sick person. We're here for ya. Hang in there for you child.

sodetermined

Since I've let him back this last time, in June, I've not made him leave. Only tell him I want him to...even worse I know. Either he acts like I never said it, or I give in. He used to leave all the time, and not come home, before this last jail sentence. So it was easier then because I could just lock the doors. Anymore, he comes home.

His drinking is definitely not a problem for him (he seems to think anyway), it's a problem for me. He says that he would be nice as hell to me if I could just get off his back. But a lot of it is the past, knowing that it's only gonna escalate, he did good for a while but the drinking is working it's way back up again, more and more every day. And he annoys me, how he repeats himself, etc. And I know that it will eventually lead to him neglecting responsibilities, not coming home, etc. I could be wrong, but my heart won't let me give it a chance.

I am soooo gonna try hard to do this today.


Is this a common boundary?
Well, I always ends up enabling him, i.e., stopping for a quart or two just because he will pout if I don't, and be cold and mean until I do. But I have stuck to that boundary before, and can do it again. But what he will do is leave to drink, like go to his mom's. What then? Tell him he can't come home? That's what I did this week and he came home anyway. Because I don't know if that's fair, because he should have a home to come home to. I feel sorry for him. Maybe I should leave if he comes home like that? Heck I don't know.

worriedwife2

I so could have written this post myself. Are you sure we don't have the same AH. I did this last night also. I get so angry with myself for feeling guilty and letting him manipulate me. He is soooo good at it.

I can do really well for a while and then something snaps and my old codependent self comes out with a rage. Please know you are not alone, and I look forward to the responses everyone has. This place is truly my saving grace.

Chris:ghug3

ToughChoices

There was a very similar dynamic in my relationship.

I suffered from a great deal of guilt -
After all, what if he was right?
What if his drinking wasn't the problem?
What if I was the problem - my skewed perspective, my nagging, my emotional neediness?

When I thought of it I felt disgusted with myself.
I felt like I needed to apologize to him and to thank him for loving me and putting up with my craziness.
I felt like I needed to cook him dinner and clean the house and look beautiful and make pleasant conversation and give him a backrub.
I felt like I needed to buy him some beer.
All of this so that I could prove to him that I was worth his trouble.

And it would work for a little while.
He would be happy, and his happiness would make me feel worthwhile.

But, inevitably, it would wear off.
My hours of research into alcoholism and the nature of addiction, the books I'd read about the progression of the disease, the voices of friends and family who were concerned for his health would all work their way to the front of my brain.

And I would know that his drinking was indeed a problem. If he didn't find help, it was going to get worse. I'd begin to worry about this progression. I'd get angry with AH over little things, and I'd find myself once again consumed with the details of his alcohol consumption.

I'd nag.
I'd cry.
I'd need him so much.

He'd tell me that my nagging, crying, and needing was really the problem.
I'd start wondering if he was right - we'd repeat the whole crazy cycle.

In retrospect, I can see that when I began to truly believe that I was a beautiful, worthy, loved child of God - flaws and all - there was no need to doubt myself any longer. No need to prove that I was worthy of love. No need to look to my relationship with my AH to find meaning for myself.

My courage came back.
My nagging and neediness had been part of our problem.
His drinking was part of our problem.

Bottom line was: We had a problem. Together. And neither of us could solve the other's issues - as much as we might have liked to.

Alanon helped me. So did SR and individual counseling.
They all came together to send me the message that I am loved.
Just as I am.
You are, too.

I don't know if this is helpful to you - I just want you to know that I can relate to your story so strongly.

-TC

Freedom1990

Yesterday, my oldest AD (30 years old now) stopped by to briefly see her dog I took in 3 1/2 years ago.

Not only does she drink/drug, she's engaged to a convicted sex offender currently serving time in the penitentiary.

She was already 21 years old when I finally hit my codie bottom and my wall of denial came crumbling down around me.

You are going to do what you are going to do as long as it continues to work for you, and there's nothing I can say to change that.

Your fear for your son that is allowed to surface from time to time will be a self-fulfilling prophecy until you finally hit a bottom and do things differently.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease; it never gets better, only worse if left untreated.

Of course he comes home now. His enabling system is working very well for him.

You're just not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. :ghug

sodetermined

TC-

First of all, I want to say that I love reading your posts, they are so carefully worded, so clear, heartfelt, and so very genuine.

And that sounds very much like our relationship, like me. Always trying to be "good enough" to make him want to put our relationship over alcohol.

I used to always try and have the house perfect, dinner ready, perfect hair/makeup. Lately, I have come to neglect those things. And that only adds to my guilt/loathing.

I know this has to do with me, loving myself, I know it does. I guess that is where my focus needs to shift, and stay. Damn, that is hard when you live with someone you are so anger/bitter towards. Someone that seems to be so happy, and not have a care in the world. And I do resent him for that.

And I do agree that we both need to work on ourselves, and I honestly don't know if Chris will EVER get to the point of wanting to change. I can't change him, only me.

Ok....getting serenity prayer card out now.

Sigh.

Now tears. It's gonna be ok. Gotta focus on me....focus on me and Ryan! God loves me, and I have lots of friends that do...now I just gotta fall in love with me!!!!

sodetermined

Yesterday, my oldest AD (30 years old now) stopped by to briefly see her dog I took in 3 1/2 years ago.

Not only does she drink/drug, she's engaged to a convicted sex offender currently serving time in the penitentiary.

DeVon,

I think of you often, and try and learn from your past, how it has affected your children, when I am thinking of the damage I am doing to my son. I wonder if my mom ever gave it a thought?

Dear God, don't let me let this go on for anywhere near that long.

I even found myself questioning whether he is an alcoholic or not. I got reading and thought, well maybe he is a problem drinker. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. I don't really understand what this means...progressive...does this mean he has to drink more? Because my dad is an alcoholic (not in recovery) , and in his old age doesn't drink like he used to, anywhere near. He drinks less, but also does other drugs.

I am sick and tired, DeVon, I am. Just not sick and tired ENOUGH. But enough to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight at 8:00!

ToughChoices

It was too difficult for me to focus on myself when I was living with my husband. The bad patterns had been in place too long for me to break free.

Living separately has helped me a great deal.
I can now see my AH as a child of God, as well.
He, like me, is loved - flaws and all.
It is no longer my job to point out his flaws or to convince him to address them.
Distance has allowed me to see that he's doing the best he can, with what he's got.
I can see a path for him, out of the drinking and the destruction that goes along with it, but I have no idea if that's his path. I can only walk mine.

Freedom1990

That's your denial talking to you, dear.

Alcoholism is threefold, physical, mental, and spiritual.

When I went out and drank again after 4 years in the program, not only did I pick up where I left off on the drinking, but I was soon at the point where I would have been had I drank those entire 4 years.

It took nothing to get me drunk. The first night I went out, I had a designated driver because I swore I would never drive drunk again.

The second time I went out, I blacked out and drove. I woke up the next morning in my own bed, had no idea how I had gotten there, couldn't remember anything from the night before. I was never a blackout drinker when I had gone to rehab.

My car was in the garage where I had parked it, and I had hit the back wall of the garage, mangling and pinning my oldest daughter's bike between my bumper and the wall.

As for what your mother realized and didn't realize, I can't tell you that.

I know that alcoholism/addiction runs on both sides of my family and even though never of my parents have or currently do drink or drug, they are in their own denial as they continue to enable my youngest AD.

I was the first in my family to break the cycle of both alcoholism/addiction and codependency, and it has been incredibly hard, but so worth it.

My parents and I are currently not speaking, and that's okay today. I used to cave in to their controlling tactics, but no more. I had to walk through the discomfort to get past it.

They ripped the Nissan out from under me when my youngest AD totaled her car, and then told me I hadn't given her a moral compass in life, and that's why she does the things she does.

That hurt like hell, but I also realize they are untreated codependents who will do anything to pass off their own guilt/shame to someone else, and I'm not picking it up today. I practice spirituality in my home on a daily basis and my youngest AD and I talk about God a lot.

I have to keep my distance from toxic people or I can really get sucked into the dysfunction.

You are so much like me.

I don't want to see you go for years and years and years like this either, but you are the only one who can change that.

You keep thinking you can somehow work your own program with Chris under the same roof with you, and I haven't seen that happen yet, and that's my blunt observation.

My sponsor was very patient and loved me in spite of my raging codependency for all those years, and I will continue to be here for you too. :ghug2

sodetermined

That is an amazing accomplishment, and no easy task, I know. (((Hugs to you))).

And I guess I just am fighting accepting the fact that I can't work on my recovery with Chris there.

denny57

I don't think anything is wrong with you. I was in the same emotional turmoil prior to leaving my marriage.

Up until the very end, I wrote emails and said things leaving the door open. I can look back now, THREE YEARS later and see it for what it was - in my case, fear - but at the time I just could not see clearly. For me, removing myself completely from the situation was the solution to taking a good hard look at the life I was choosing.

((( soconfused )))