Wow, things get pretty messy!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: America's Desert
Posts: 39
Wow, things get pretty messy!!!
If you happen to wanna read my whole story it's in this thread title "dealing with my fathers drinking for the first time"...
Anyway, I have set my limits and held fast on them with my father. I have come to terms with things and it was something the buddha said that helps the most when I have a hard time. he said:
In the end what matters most is, how well did you live, how well did you love, how well did you learn to let go.
Making choices in relationships without such an attachment to the outcome isn't easy but sometimes it's just what you have to do. Remembering you have to let go of everything including your own life at some point is importaint. It seems to be when we try to hold on that we stop living because change is going to happen no matter what.
I have decided after giving my Mother a ton of info on being codependent and enabling my father that I just need to take a break from them both, from the whole situation. They have moved off my property and it's a healthy step in the right direction.
My mother always said that she couldn't have friends because of my dad. She has asked all my friends to help them move and for the most part they don't wanna get in the middle of it. She wonders how I have so much "control" over them.
She has said that she thinks I was the issue. She has it worked out in her head that she was codependent on me and feels like some of or all the negative in her marriage may have been caused by that and disrespecting my father. They have something to bond over now so they're getting along well. It's just sad to me how messed up things really were right under my nose.
I also recognized I played the same roll in my failed marriage that my mother does with my father and her mother did with her father. No blame to be placed there, she led, my mom followed, repeat and when I knew better I did better. All the same a sobering realization.
So I have removed myself from this for now. My hope is that something will soon click when the dust settles and they're alone in the world. Somehow my mom will see that she has no friends because of his drinking, he has no friends and now what little family they have won't talk to them and the common theme is the drinking.
But I won't hold my breath. I got into this assuming it would take years not months and if you can make it years without a heathy resolution you have removed yourself enough to make it till somebody is dead and hope that opens their eyes.
It gets messy and I'm a well rounded man with a strong sense of self worth and a very good and clear understanding of things. Even for me this is hard so for somebody who self esteem has been beaten down or somebody that has been abused or just doesn't have enough confidence this would be incredibly tough. My heart goes out to all of you that have made this step in the past or will make it in the future. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the big picture.
Anyway, I have set my limits and held fast on them with my father. I have come to terms with things and it was something the buddha said that helps the most when I have a hard time. he said:
In the end what matters most is, how well did you live, how well did you love, how well did you learn to let go.
Making choices in relationships without such an attachment to the outcome isn't easy but sometimes it's just what you have to do. Remembering you have to let go of everything including your own life at some point is importaint. It seems to be when we try to hold on that we stop living because change is going to happen no matter what.
I have decided after giving my Mother a ton of info on being codependent and enabling my father that I just need to take a break from them both, from the whole situation. They have moved off my property and it's a healthy step in the right direction.
My mother always said that she couldn't have friends because of my dad. She has asked all my friends to help them move and for the most part they don't wanna get in the middle of it. She wonders how I have so much "control" over them.
She has said that she thinks I was the issue. She has it worked out in her head that she was codependent on me and feels like some of or all the negative in her marriage may have been caused by that and disrespecting my father. They have something to bond over now so they're getting along well. It's just sad to me how messed up things really were right under my nose.
I also recognized I played the same roll in my failed marriage that my mother does with my father and her mother did with her father. No blame to be placed there, she led, my mom followed, repeat and when I knew better I did better. All the same a sobering realization.
So I have removed myself from this for now. My hope is that something will soon click when the dust settles and they're alone in the world. Somehow my mom will see that she has no friends because of his drinking, he has no friends and now what little family they have won't talk to them and the common theme is the drinking.
But I won't hold my breath. I got into this assuming it would take years not months and if you can make it years without a heathy resolution you have removed yourself enough to make it till somebody is dead and hope that opens their eyes.
It gets messy and I'm a well rounded man with a strong sense of self worth and a very good and clear understanding of things. Even for me this is hard so for somebody who self esteem has been beaten down or somebody that has been abused or just doesn't have enough confidence this would be incredibly tough. My heart goes out to all of you that have made this step in the past or will make it in the future. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the big picture.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
My mother always said that she couldn't have friends because of my dad. She has asked all my friends to help them move and for the most part they don't wanna get in the middle of it. She wonders how I have so much "control" over them.
I hope this only reflects for you just how warped her perspective is... how "normal" her situation is for her. If your friends genuinely didn't want to help her, they she just might have to admit how abnormal or "wrong" her situation is. Eep.
She has said that she thinks I was the issue. She has it worked out in her head that she was codependent on me and feels like some of or all the negative in her marriage may have been caused by that and disrespecting my father.
Riiiiiiiight. Because it was not inappropriate of her AT ALL to turn to you for emotional support in light of her difficulties with your dad. Because you must have been emotionally seducing her all this time, maliciously seizing your chance to make things worse between your parents. Wow, this must be saddening to watch in your mom. She and your dad sure have denial in common. Neither absolutely believes that they are responsible for anything they do. Holy smokes!
You are being incredibly strong. I couldn't hack it in your shoes... well, not without exploding or just running away. There's a lot of guilt and demonizing going on, yet you sound so calm to be dealing with all of this. Are you actually feeling calm these days? Or rather distant while all these big adjustments are taking place?
I hope this only reflects for you just how warped her perspective is... how "normal" her situation is for her. If your friends genuinely didn't want to help her, they she just might have to admit how abnormal or "wrong" her situation is. Eep.
She has said that she thinks I was the issue. She has it worked out in her head that she was codependent on me and feels like some of or all the negative in her marriage may have been caused by that and disrespecting my father.
Riiiiiiiight. Because it was not inappropriate of her AT ALL to turn to you for emotional support in light of her difficulties with your dad. Because you must have been emotionally seducing her all this time, maliciously seizing your chance to make things worse between your parents. Wow, this must be saddening to watch in your mom. She and your dad sure have denial in common. Neither absolutely believes that they are responsible for anything they do. Holy smokes!
You are being incredibly strong. I couldn't hack it in your shoes... well, not without exploding or just running away. There's a lot of guilt and demonizing going on, yet you sound so calm to be dealing with all of this. Are you actually feeling calm these days? Or rather distant while all these big adjustments are taking place?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: America's Desert
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Am I feeling calm? I know the distant or numb feeling all too well, I spent a couple months there after my divorce. I don't currently feel like that. I'm well, I'm in good spirits, I'm calm and I have a good foundation and sense of self to stand on. If I didn't have that, I don't know how I would be emotionally.
There is right and wrong, once I see something clearly I can accept what has to be done like it or not. I think that's a quality that separates a man from a boy. I also tend to feel alone a lot regardless of how many people are around me. I'm in a very bad place for money because of this choice but I won't allow myself to make a choice based on convenience alone, it isn't fair to anybody.
So I don't know, the last year of my life has been about letting go, of dreams, people, hopes, desires and so on. I sometimes question this because they're good people, they have a good heart and they're my parents. With that said, this needs to change and I don't know how to facilitate that change so the only control I have at this point is how willing I am to be part of a very sad and unhealthy situation and I'm doing what I can to be good to myself with it.
I'll be able to have more perspective on todays choices in a couple years
Until then, I will stay true to myself and always work on being a better person.
There is right and wrong, once I see something clearly I can accept what has to be done like it or not. I think that's a quality that separates a man from a boy. I also tend to feel alone a lot regardless of how many people are around me. I'm in a very bad place for money because of this choice but I won't allow myself to make a choice based on convenience alone, it isn't fair to anybody.
So I don't know, the last year of my life has been about letting go, of dreams, people, hopes, desires and so on. I sometimes question this because they're good people, they have a good heart and they're my parents. With that said, this needs to change and I don't know how to facilitate that change so the only control I have at this point is how willing I am to be part of a very sad and unhealthy situation and I'm doing what I can to be good to myself with it.
I'll be able to have more perspective on todays choices in a couple years
Until then, I will stay true to myself and always work on being a better person.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I always have been, and will continue to be, the scapegoat in my family.
Currently I am also removed from any situation with my parents because they go through their toxic phases, and I have to take care of self.
Good for you for taking care of yourself. You are not alone! :ghug2
Currently I am also removed from any situation with my parents because they go through their toxic phases, and I have to take care of self.
Good for you for taking care of yourself. You are not alone! :ghug2
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by HealthyLimits 
I got into this assuming it would take years not months and if you can make it years without a heathy resolution you have removed yourself enough to make it till somebody is dead and hope that opens their eyes.
Originally Posted by HealthyLimits
It gets messy and I'm a well rounded man with a strong sense of self worth and a very good and clear understanding of things. Even for me this is hard so for somebody who self esteem has been beaten down or somebody that has been abused or just doesn't have enough confidence this would be incredibly tough. My heart goes out to all of you that have made this step in the past or will make it in the future. Stay strong and keep your eyes on the big picture.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
HL,
Numbness and detachment eventually gave way to a calm contentment for me.....like it was a white screen for a while, but then I started to be able to see things rising up like a landscape coming up through a fading fog, coming into focus again, and they were good things.
Wishing the same for you. Focus solely on the things that bring you joy, rather than on controlling someone else's journey on this planet, and you may find some very interesting, unexpected things along the way. Deep breath, smile. All will be as it needs to be.
:ghug3
GL
Numbness and detachment eventually gave way to a calm contentment for me.....like it was a white screen for a while, but then I started to be able to see things rising up like a landscape coming up through a fading fog, coming into focus again, and they were good things.
Wishing the same for you. Focus solely on the things that bring you joy, rather than on controlling someone else's journey on this planet, and you may find some very interesting, unexpected things along the way. Deep breath, smile. All will be as it needs to be.
:ghug3
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: America's Desert
Posts: 39
GiveLove... After my divorce I always said it was like crashing a plane in the wilderness. At first you crawl out of the wreck, just happy you're alive and you're assessing the damages or impact it's had on you. That's the numbness and the feeling of just being happy you're out of this with your life. The funny thing is that you're still stuck out in the wilderness and have no clue how to get yourself to safety so even though you survived the crash you're still going to have to learn to survive. You're still going to have to make it through the cold nights and hungry days. While you could still end up in worse shape at least now you're controlling your fate not the plane.
This situation is just another plane crash in my life but it's going sooo much quicker having done it before. While I'm not in the same woods all the concepts are still the same.
This situation is just another plane crash in my life but it's going sooo much quicker having done it before. While I'm not in the same woods all the concepts are still the same.
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