AS 2nd day in rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
AS 2nd day in rehab
I just got a call from my AS from rehab saying he wants to come home. I told him if he didn't stay in rehab he has no home to come to. That was so hard. He said he would give it 5 more days. I told him he couldn't come home until the counselor recommends that he can and to take it a day at a time. He is wondering now if it is worth staying in rehab to be able to come home or if he should just leave. Trouble is (for him), he has no where to go, no money, no car. I told him I would see him this weekend for family rehab and again for visitor's day and he told me not to bother. He is very angry. I will go anyway. I know I am doing the right thing, but this is so very painful. I'm constantly in tears. I have a hard time concentrating. I'm at work right now and am having a hard time keeping it together. It does help to post here though. Thanks for listening.
Kathy
Kathy
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
If it really IS that hard for you to go and see him like that, you might seriously consider staying home.
I say that after making 15 trips of 150 miles each to see my kids in rehab. Daughter was in three times in one year. And the last time, she was just angry and rebellious. But I was SO needy and SO certain that she needed to see my love, I went and endured her abuse.
Today, I know I need to constantly keep boundaries around myself with her. She will climb under any crack in my facade and reach inside and tear me apart... because that is what addiction does.
She was constantly look outward for reasons to blame life, her parents, society, her school ... anyone but herself for her situation. Because if she took responsibility, then she would have to take action... and she wasn't ready for action.
We also had to say - you can't come home. And we are in a similar place today - she is "out there" and when/if she calls, we will have to say she can't come home. It is best for her - every time she comes home, she relapses. It only took us four years to figure that out.
If you do need to visit him, maybe you can make it short. The first time he abuses you - leave. That is a boundary on behavior, and one he might need to learn or relearn. I finally figured that one out, too - and I hated driving all the way home when I had just arrived.... but it was my daughter's choice, not mine.
Today, I only communicate sporadically with my daughter, and only by text message. I find I can't text very well, so I don't ask questions that I don't want the answers to. I only say "I luv u" and "miss u" and then sign off. She does the same. That way I know she is alive, but I don't have to know what she is doing to stay that way.
((hugs))
I say that after making 15 trips of 150 miles each to see my kids in rehab. Daughter was in three times in one year. And the last time, she was just angry and rebellious. But I was SO needy and SO certain that she needed to see my love, I went and endured her abuse.
Today, I know I need to constantly keep boundaries around myself with her. She will climb under any crack in my facade and reach inside and tear me apart... because that is what addiction does.
She was constantly look outward for reasons to blame life, her parents, society, her school ... anyone but herself for her situation. Because if she took responsibility, then she would have to take action... and she wasn't ready for action.
We also had to say - you can't come home. And we are in a similar place today - she is "out there" and when/if she calls, we will have to say she can't come home. It is best for her - every time she comes home, she relapses. It only took us four years to figure that out.
If you do need to visit him, maybe you can make it short. The first time he abuses you - leave. That is a boundary on behavior, and one he might need to learn or relearn. I finally figured that one out, too - and I hated driving all the way home when I had just arrived.... but it was my daughter's choice, not mine.
Today, I only communicate sporadically with my daughter, and only by text message. I find I can't text very well, so I don't ask questions that I don't want the answers to. I only say "I luv u" and "miss u" and then sign off. She does the same. That way I know she is alive, but I don't have to know what she is doing to stay that way.
((hugs))
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Kathy, Yes it is very hard dealing with addiction. You did the right thing telling him to stay. By the time the 5 days he agreed to is finished he might be willing to stay & compete the program. You know I have been coming here to SR for about a yr & I have seen the parents that have kids that make it are the tough ones. So stand firm, let him know drug or alcohol use will not be tolerated under your roof.
Don't feel bad about it Kathy, you are doing him a favor by insisting he clean up his act. If he doesn't he will only get worse.
Hugs,
Diane
Don't feel bad about it Kathy, you are doing him a favor by insisting he clean up his act. If he doesn't he will only get worse.
Hugs,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kathy)))
I think you definitely did the right thing.
When I first decided to get into recovery, I was very angry. I was mad at the world, but I soon realized I was really angry with myself. We lash out at those who are "safe"....who will love us no matter what, and it is usually our family.
Try not to take anything personal if he lashes out. He is really angry at himself and the situation he has gotten himself into. The more we work at recovery, the better we get at dealing with those feelings.
I know what you did was hard, but this RA says "good job!!!"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you definitely did the right thing.
When I first decided to get into recovery, I was very angry. I was mad at the world, but I soon realized I was really angry with myself. We lash out at those who are "safe"....who will love us no matter what, and it is usually our family.
Try not to take anything personal if he lashes out. He is really angry at himself and the situation he has gotten himself into. The more we work at recovery, the better we get at dealing with those feelings.
I know what you did was hard, but this RA says "good job!!!"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Brace yourself. It's apt to get worse before it gets better.
Giving him no choice other than the street, is the only way to go, based on my experience.
It's fasinating how we tend to make other people's addiction the center of attention.
At this early stage, you might want to consider postponing your visit. He is likely to use the time to manipulate you to allow him to come home and when that remains not an option, he is apt to turn it on you.
He needs time to focus on his recovery and you need time to focus on yourself. This is trauma and you need to heal.
Giving him no choice other than the street, is the only way to go, based on my experience.
It's fasinating how we tend to make other people's addiction the center of attention.
At this early stage, you might want to consider postponing your visit. He is likely to use the time to manipulate you to allow him to come home and when that remains not an option, he is apt to turn it on you.
He needs time to focus on his recovery and you need time to focus on yourself. This is trauma and you need to heal.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Good job, Kathy. When I first came to SR I immediately trusted the experience of the other parents on here regarding my AS. I had been through a divorce from an AH (alcohol) and had just not yet seen the connection with my son -- until I saw all the signs here. I used SR like a codie bible last December, stopped supporting my son's apparent drug habit, stopped falling for the lies and manipulation, starting forgiving myself and allowed myself to not feel HIS pain or worry about HIS choices. I turned him over to his HP and started praying to mine again. It works if you let it, Kathy. Trust in all you've learned here, and keep reading. Work on the codependency issues, and know that by not rescuing your son, you are HELPING him the best way possible. I believe that with all my heart and mind. Keep working on the detachment, keep turning his choices back to him. It's his best chance at finding recovery, and it's the right thing for you as well. Keep taking those forward steps, girl. You're doing great.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
Kathy ....... I'm right in there with ya! My AS is in rehab. Wanted to leave detox after the first hour..got done with detox after 10 grueling days, and onto the rehab, and he wanted to leave there in one day as well...He's been gone since September 21. He's still there. I also had to tell him that if he left he couldn't come home. I know how hard it is......I've been venting on here about all this since the week he left.
Stay strong..and I will too. I'm hoping that after the rehab portion is done he'll choose to stay longer, and won't want to come home. But I'm taking it one day at a time like he is. It's all we can really do.
Stay strong..and I will too. I'm hoping that after the rehab portion is done he'll choose to stay longer, and won't want to come home. But I'm taking it one day at a time like he is. It's all we can really do.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
As a person who has been to treatment, I'm an alcoholic and al anoner, I have to say wanting to leave is pretty normal.
I eventually got the boot after 30 days but during the 30 days I was there, we had people coming and leaving daily. One of the things that kept me there was I had no life to come back too and my mother had stopped fooling for the 'it's all your fault so give me 20 dollars.' I was 19.
So while I understand how hard it is for you Mum's I am glad at the same time you are seeking some help. It must be a terrible thing to go through alone.
I eventually got the boot after 30 days but during the 30 days I was there, we had people coming and leaving daily. One of the things that kept me there was I had no life to come back too and my mother had stopped fooling for the 'it's all your fault so give me 20 dollars.' I was 19.
So while I understand how hard it is for you Mum's I am glad at the same time you are seeking some help. It must be a terrible thing to go through alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I know how hard it is; we want our kids to like it there, to feel grateful and excited about recovery...
the good news, IMO, is that your son is willing to stay no matter how angry he is. I wish my AD has some of the passivity others have. She has left every rehab (7, but who's counting) she's been in well before the program finished. Didn't matter if she had anywhere to go or not (she's not allowed home unless she completes a program.).
and then, of course, completing a program is no guarantee of anything. Loving a program is no guarantee of anything. this disease is just a beast, and not liking rehab is no more of a predictor of long term recovery than anything else!
So take it one day at a time and take care of you....
the good news, IMO, is that your son is willing to stay no matter how angry he is. I wish my AD has some of the passivity others have. She has left every rehab (7, but who's counting) she's been in well before the program finished. Didn't matter if she had anywhere to go or not (she's not allowed home unless she completes a program.).
and then, of course, completing a program is no guarantee of anything. Loving a program is no guarantee of anything. this disease is just a beast, and not liking rehab is no more of a predictor of long term recovery than anything else!
So take it one day at a time and take care of you....
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