klutz72

My fiance of 6 years and father to my 10 months old is on his way home last night. Im shaking sweating heart pumping cant focus on anything knowing Im going to be lied to. I have developed this gift/curse I call "cokedar." I know froma 5 sec phone conversation whether I need to look for eveidence of a slip up..I cant even call it that anymore because you would have to be clean more than a week.So he comes home has 5 cigs in 15 mins (sure sign of use) Just tyhe way he was acting I culd tell and I actually refused to believe his lie. I told hiM i wish I could believe hime but I just am smarter than that, He still denies it. Even though he was up late and blowing his nose alot telling me I dont want u to think I did ****. CAlled me today I gave himn the coldest shoulder I could muster. and hes just trying to be nicey nice....GRRRR Ive been living this hell for along time. I wish I was ignnorant or blissfully unaware but no go. I torture myself. I love him. Ive done nothing but want to help him. I have a list of naranon meetings for myself but I cant seem to get myself to go. Mostly cause I have no one to watch my son and wont leave him alone with his father for an extened period of time...how sad is that. Weve on the "last time train" for about a year. But I am coming to my wits end. Its is physically and mentally hurting me and my son. I wont allow my son to grow up in a home like I did with an addict of a difdferent drug my father killed himself with alcohol when I was 12. My fiances father killed himself with coke by the time he was 3. I wish I could type more I have alot going on in this stressed out head. I am hurt and scared I have no where to go. I dont know how to handle this anymore.

dogged

welcome, just relax and do for yourself, dont allow what he does to affect you, (easier said than done , i know) you know what you have to do ,, yiur gut has been tellling you for some time now, but we never leave until we have had enough...go to the meetings, it will help you..,,, we are constanltly fighting against ourselves mentally of what we think is right vs. what our heart is telling us.. a battle of the mind, thats where the confusion comes in, we are not being true to ourselves and so we are in turmoil over it, the only way to overcome the turmoil is to bring a sense of stablity and logic into the picture and start doing for ourselves what we should have done a long time ago..