Sex and alcoholics..I do not mean to intrude
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Redlands, CA
Posts: 25
Sex and alcoholics..I do not mean to intrude
but if this is ok - may I ask, is it common for there to be issues?
Like obsessively interested and then not at all interested?
The need for Viagra, as the equipment never works for more than a moment....
Or am I just in a relationship with somone with other problems?
And this is drunk or sober.
I am hurt and confused. One year later and he still blames fake illnesses and mysterious aches and pains that did not exist prior to my bringing up the subject.
Is this normal? What is normal? I no longer know, but it is darned hurtful at the very least. Men, some input? Women, am I alone on this? What is the reason, and why?
Suggestions short of giving up on someone I love? (Yes he is drinking...I think he is cutting down to try to break off it again. Been to rehab unsuccessfully but won't agree to give up on quitting....makes my life hell.) So is he selfish, or covering up the affects of his disease?
Viagra is due to the side effects?
Anyone, I appreciate your help.
HB:wtf2
Like obsessively interested and then not at all interested?
The need for Viagra, as the equipment never works for more than a moment....
Or am I just in a relationship with somone with other problems?
And this is drunk or sober.
I am hurt and confused. One year later and he still blames fake illnesses and mysterious aches and pains that did not exist prior to my bringing up the subject.
Is this normal? What is normal? I no longer know, but it is darned hurtful at the very least. Men, some input? Women, am I alone on this? What is the reason, and why?
Suggestions short of giving up on someone I love? (Yes he is drinking...I think he is cutting down to try to break off it again. Been to rehab unsuccessfully but won't agree to give up on quitting....makes my life hell.) So is he selfish, or covering up the affects of his disease?
Viagra is due to the side effects?
Anyone, I appreciate your help.
HB:wtf2
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Ma'am,
I think that is something you should really consult with a physician about, because there are a lot of factors that could be involved. In a general way however, it is safe to say that most A's have very low sex drive/interest while they are drinking, and of course if their partner is interfering with their ability to drink/use then that will engender resentment on his part.
I think that is something you should really consult with a physician about, because there are a lot of factors that could be involved. In a general way however, it is safe to say that most A's have very low sex drive/interest while they are drinking, and of course if their partner is interfering with their ability to drink/use then that will engender resentment on his part.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by HateBooze 
Is this normal? What is normal? I no longer know, but it is darned hurtful at the very least.
(Yes he is drinking...I think he is cutting down to try to break off it again. Been to rehab unsuccessfully but won't agree to give up on quitting....makes my life hell.)
(Yes he is drinking...I think he is cutting down to try to break off it again. Been to rehab unsuccessfully but won't agree to give up on quitting....makes my life hell.)
Normal is a subjective term; however, I have yet to find anything vaguely resembling "normal" in living with an addict. So, as to what is normal .... well, living with and being involved with an addict is kinda crazy. The addict gets crazy - or crazier - the longer the drinking goes on. People around the addict get crazy the longer they try to figure out what the addict is thinking, what motivates the addict, why the addict said or did something that is completely contrary to what was said or done the day before. On and on it goes.
What I'm getting from your post is that he is trying to control his drinking. He has no intention of quitting completely at this time. This is making you nuts. His behavior is driving you up a wall.
Just a few suggestions ... how about giving Al-Anon a try? Lots of in those meetings understand what you are going through because they have lived it themselves. If you decide Al-Anon is not for you, that's fine. I discovered, through counseling and Al-Anon, that my problems had very little to do with what my AH was doing and more to do with the mess inside of my own head. He owned his addiction, but I owned my own state of mind. He drove me nuts for a long time because I allowed him to.
Please keep posting. More folks will be along to respond to you. We care and want to lend you support.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Part of Step 4 specifically hits sex conduct. It's not included in the step itself (made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves), but there is a section in the big book dedicated to it.
It's about looking at our conduct with regard to sex and how our defects caused harm to others.
Being about conduct, I don't that there's anything about physical issues - except perhaps incidentally. As in, if I were to have physical/performance issues, that may effect my conduct by way of fear, anger, etc.
Physical sexual dysfunction can be caused by any number of things and excessive alcohol abuse is certainly one of them. Age is another. Being on anti-depressants myself, those have sexual side effects that I have experienced.
The thing is with any alcoholic, if there are any physical maladies of any sort, sexual or otherwise, there's no telling the cause until alcohol is eliminated from the equasion.
It's about looking at our conduct with regard to sex and how our defects caused harm to others.
Being about conduct, I don't that there's anything about physical issues - except perhaps incidentally. As in, if I were to have physical/performance issues, that may effect my conduct by way of fear, anger, etc.
Physical sexual dysfunction can be caused by any number of things and excessive alcohol abuse is certainly one of them. Age is another. Being on anti-depressants myself, those have sexual side effects that I have experienced.
The thing is with any alcoholic, if there are any physical maladies of any sort, sexual or otherwise, there's no telling the cause until alcohol is eliminated from the equasion.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
I'm with Prodigal on this, there is no normal. Some have a sex addiction, some have a low libido and others want to indulge but the equipment's not up to the job. Some do all three at different stages of their addiction.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
When my H is not drinking, things seem to work relatively well. When H is drinking, things don't work properly.
My H's obssession with having me all the time increased when he was not drinking, and not in recovery. I was supposed to fill his void....and I can't.
My H's obssession with having me all the time increased when he was not drinking, and not in recovery. I was supposed to fill his void....and I can't.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
I guess I can share my perspective as an alcoholic, it's definitely a topic I'm not too comfortable talking about. Makes me squirm in shame a little, LOL.
When my ex and I first met I would've described her as a nympho and I was always up for the challenge. My drinking hadn't really taken off yet, it was still in the "fun" stage even though I'd been drinking daily for many years. Even when she became pregnant with our son we were sexually active.
But being that alcoholism is progressive, it slowly tapered off as my drinking increased, after our daughter was born our "nocturnal" activities were pretty infrequent, sometimes months would go by with nothing happening.
Everything's that already been mentioned rang true for me. Some nights the equipment didn't work at all, other nights my brain wasn't functioning at all or I couldn't stay awake long enough to do anything. I do remember passing out a couple times right in the middle of making love. That's pathetic to say the least.
Part of it was loving alcohol more than I loved the company of someone else. Most of all it was the shame, fear, self-loathing, and the disgust I was feeling inside that kept me hiding away from intimacy. I couldn't understand why anyone at all would want to be that close to me, especially when I was on a bender. And the truth is she couldn't either, she found someone else who loved her, admired her, and gave her what she needed to feel good about herself.
When my ex and I first met I would've described her as a nympho and I was always up for the challenge. My drinking hadn't really taken off yet, it was still in the "fun" stage even though I'd been drinking daily for many years. Even when she became pregnant with our son we were sexually active.
But being that alcoholism is progressive, it slowly tapered off as my drinking increased, after our daughter was born our "nocturnal" activities were pretty infrequent, sometimes months would go by with nothing happening.
Everything's that already been mentioned rang true for me. Some nights the equipment didn't work at all, other nights my brain wasn't functioning at all or I couldn't stay awake long enough to do anything. I do remember passing out a couple times right in the middle of making love. That's pathetic to say the least.
Part of it was loving alcohol more than I loved the company of someone else. Most of all it was the shame, fear, self-loathing, and the disgust I was feeling inside that kept me hiding away from intimacy. I couldn't understand why anyone at all would want to be that close to me, especially when I was on a bender. And the truth is she couldn't either, she found someone else who loved her, admired her, and gave her what she needed to feel good about herself.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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HB
Male sexual response, contrary to popular belief, is an incredibly complex mix of things.
And it changes over time. For a variety of reasons. Alcohol can certainly be one of them.
Controlling for all the issues, physiological and psychological, is no mere "do it youself" project. It can take time, assistance, understanding, and of course, his willingness to deal with it.
When my alcoholism was active, I would react in different ways. I'd go through periods where I constantly thought about sex and then couldn't perform. Other times when I was disinterested but could perform.
The man needs to be honest with you, himself, and his doctor. He has to want to improve this part of his life. A lot of my issues were related to blood pressure. A lot of my blood pressure was related to alcohol. A lot of my alcohol use was due to anxiety/depression/self esteem. You see where I am going.
Viagra, etc is great stuff, but no "cure" when the issues are not biology.
I wish you the best.
warren
Male sexual response, contrary to popular belief, is an incredibly complex mix of things.
And it changes over time. For a variety of reasons. Alcohol can certainly be one of them.
Controlling for all the issues, physiological and psychological, is no mere "do it youself" project. It can take time, assistance, understanding, and of course, his willingness to deal with it.
When my alcoholism was active, I would react in different ways. I'd go through periods where I constantly thought about sex and then couldn't perform. Other times when I was disinterested but could perform.
The man needs to be honest with you, himself, and his doctor. He has to want to improve this part of his life. A lot of my issues were related to blood pressure. A lot of my blood pressure was related to alcohol. A lot of my alcohol use was due to anxiety/depression/self esteem. You see where I am going.
Viagra, etc is great stuff, but no "cure" when the issues are not biology.
I wish you the best.
warren
blue-eyed soul
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: south Louisiana
Posts: 37
hi, h.b.,
we went through about a two-year "dry spell" where AH could not perform. it was pretty awful (i went through a lot of questioning and self-doubt, as you can imagine, and this is before i had fully realized the extent of the problem with alcohol). i finally summoned the courage to ask him to go to a urologist, who prescribed viagra and told him there was nothing physically wrong and the problem would probably go away by itself (i'm sure there was no mention of alcohol at that appointment).
now, we're having a different problem, as i have had a hysterectomy and some, er, pain. that, coupled with the fact that i have a "no sex when drunk" boundary has been causing other issues -- basically it became a power thing. i held to my boundary, and he held to his persistence, so there was a constant "reverse" tug of war with him pushing and me pushing back. we're working on it.
so, i guess that's a long answer to say that you are not alone with your problem, and yes, i think the two issues i've described above are directly related to the alcohol (it's not you!) maybe that will help with some of the hurt and confusion you mention?
big hugs,
blue-eyed soul
we went through about a two-year "dry spell" where AH could not perform. it was pretty awful (i went through a lot of questioning and self-doubt, as you can imagine, and this is before i had fully realized the extent of the problem with alcohol). i finally summoned the courage to ask him to go to a urologist, who prescribed viagra and told him there was nothing physically wrong and the problem would probably go away by itself (i'm sure there was no mention of alcohol at that appointment).
now, we're having a different problem, as i have had a hysterectomy and some, er, pain. that, coupled with the fact that i have a "no sex when drunk" boundary has been causing other issues -- basically it became a power thing. i held to my boundary, and he held to his persistence, so there was a constant "reverse" tug of war with him pushing and me pushing back. we're working on it.
so, i guess that's a long answer to say that you are not alone with your problem, and yes, i think the two issues i've described above are directly related to the alcohol (it's not you!) maybe that will help with some of the hurt and confusion you mention?
big hugs,
blue-eyed soul
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Milwaukee WI
Posts: 137
nothing here for almost a year and before that it was once very few months, he just had no intrest anymore, all he thought about was his next drink...even on the rare occasion when he wanted too, I could not stand the booze smell to even try it....
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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My abf only has the desire when he's had a fair bit of booze, and can perform very well.
The minute the booze goes, so does any desire for more than a quick hug or peck. I have mentioned this and been promised he would seek help for the problem, but he has done nothing about it.
I realised I would have to take some action and do my own thing. So I got "my man in a box" also known as "Bob". Works for me and has put a smile on my dial, and I can help myself whenever I want. Puts new meaning into the old saying "Time waits for no man".
The minute the booze goes, so does any desire for more than a quick hug or peck. I have mentioned this and been promised he would seek help for the problem, but he has done nothing about it.
I realised I would have to take some action and do my own thing. So I got "my man in a box" also known as "Bob". Works for me and has put a smile on my dial, and I can help myself whenever I want. Puts new meaning into the old saying "Time waits for no man".
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Three years with nothing here...thought his libido would come back when he stopped drinking 8 months ago but no sign of it yet :s
Like everyone else has said, I think everyone is different, so what happens for one might not necessarily happen for the other.
Like everyone else has said, I think everyone is different, so what happens for one might not necessarily happen for the other.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
My AH has no self-esteem when it comes to women. He used booze to boost his virility. Actually, he performed well when half-trashed. Sober? Cold, detached, distant, and not interested in sex whatsoever.
I can honestly say that, as far as I can recall, we had sex ONCE in 7 years where he didn't have to drink to get "in the mood."
Guess that's why I'm thankful he no longer comes near me - drunk or semi-sober!
I can honestly say that, as far as I can recall, we had sex ONCE in 7 years where he didn't have to drink to get "in the mood."
Guess that's why I'm thankful he no longer comes near me - drunk or semi-sober!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Same for me. And thought it was me. We were very active when he was drinking. When he quit it was like night and day, total halt in that department. I took it very personally like he didn't find me attractive and often cried or told myself i would not initiate anything, but the codie in me always tried to "fix" it!!!
p.s. Sox just won!!! Yahhooo!! (sorry, we were losing for the season BADLY!!)
p.s. Sox just won!!! Yahhooo!! (sorry, we were losing for the season BADLY!!)
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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For the last several years of my marriage, my X and I did not sleep together, but maybe a handful of times. I"ve gone to get tested to be cleared of any STD's. I don't know if he was performing regularly or not..but he was paying high dollars for hookers. I was actually the one with the decreased libido, but that was because I was not turned on much due to his actions. I simply was not aroused or attracted to him anymore. The more I found out about his antics...the less I liked being around him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
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Posts: 25
Originally Posted by baileyboop
For the last several years of my marriage, my X and I did not sleep together, but maybe a handful of times. I"ve gone to get tested to be cleared of any STD's. I don't know if he was performing regularly or not..but he was paying high dollars for hookers. I was actually the one with the decreased libido, but that was because I was not turned on much due to his actions. I simply was not aroused or attracted to him anymore. The more I found out about his antics...the less I liked being around him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Redlands, CA
Posts: 25
Everyone,
I read and greatly appreciate every response. Thank you kindly and blessings.
Seems my ABF does fine totally loaded and with his lil meds, but in withdrawal, or sober, there is no interest whatsoever. Sounds like a recurring pattern. He is still somewhat affectionate but it is not like the same guy. And it does hurt. It kills your ego too.
I know about BOB and agree - but I am sick of that.
I have Mr Raunchy when he is drunk - wow, it's great. One extreme to the other.
Sheesh.
I read and greatly appreciate every response. Thank you kindly and blessings.
Seems my ABF does fine totally loaded and with his lil meds, but in withdrawal, or sober, there is no interest whatsoever. Sounds like a recurring pattern. He is still somewhat affectionate but it is not like the same guy. And it does hurt. It kills your ego too.
I know about BOB and agree - but I am sick of that.
I have Mr Raunchy when he is drunk - wow, it's great. One extreme to the other.
Sheesh.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thank God for you and your honesty. For years I thought it must just be me. Now I know it isn't I feel ten years younger. I may not be a spring chicken anymore but I am sure not ready to become a Sunday roast.
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