wish he'd quit

crying and swear he hit rock bottom. He asked if I still wanted the divorce and I said that I did. I feel so bad for him but I stood my ground with him. He sobed about how he has ruined his life and his kids will hate him. I dont even want to entertain the thought of taking him back. He has said to many times that he would quit, or be more supportive of this or that and ended up not being. I don't want to break up this family but he has been disrespectful to me and the kids way to much in the last few months. I still want to remain on a friendly basis with him, and want to be fair with him in the divorce, but this is starting to get to me. How do you know when someone has hit bottom and is ready to change? Or can you tell?

TTOSBT

Actions speak louder than words....

Bernadette

I think you say it all right here:
...he has been disrespectful to me and the kids way to much in the last few months.

So whether he is at bottom or not at bottom? Does not matter. You sound like you are keeping an open mind and that is good. Maybe when you see real RECOVERY and not just emotional upheaval and dramatic proclamations of the pain he is in you will know something has changed. Recovery is honest, obvious, results in real change, and IT takes TIME!!

Stick with your plan and your gut assesment - you dont even want to entertain the thought of taking him back. So don't entertain that thought. Let him be and keep on with your good work on yourself!! You're the one making changes - not just talking about it. Stay strong and let more things reveal themselves to you over time.
Peace + (((hugs)))
B.

Freedom1990

Bernadette summed it up nicely for me too!

ToughChoices

Time.


People change when they are ready to do so, and that time is different for everyone. In my opinion there is no way to ascertain anyone's dedication to sobriety except to "watchfully wait."

For me, it came down to this:
He didn't find recovery when I was living with him before - why would moving back in with him make him any more likely to find it now?

Take care.
-TC

sunflowerintx

WHQ,

As much as I think I'd like to receive this call from my AH, I'm certain it would just be blowing more smoke up my arse.

At one point when we were divorced, he said to me that he was lost without me...he felt like I'd always been his security blanket (read: doormat) and he didn't know how to function without me in his life. He seemed to be just fine to me...living with another woman, drinking all he wanted to, etc.

That's the only reason he'd come back...because HE needs ME, not vice versa. I would like to be with a kinder, soberer (is that a word? ) version of the man I love. He truly could NOT care less about me, and apparently not about our children either.

Actions truly speak louder than words. I get the sense that you are a bit like me in that you put your foot down and then hedge a bit...still a bit hopeful? I'm certainly not criticizing you for it...I'm describing myself.

Hugs,
Sunny

justaboutus

I got the EXACT same plea a few months ago. What has changed? NOTHING. The next scene is "I could have been sober had you taken me back" so prepare for it to be all your fault.

If he really has changed, you'll see it.

AWEDA

You just don't know what to believe.
Myself, I fell for that line many times,things only got worse.

I will never again put my hopes for a better life in anothers's hands.

More times than not they go back to the bottle.
Only you can make the decision if you want to believe him.

Take care of you...

Janitw

Hey don't beat yourselfs up- I let mine come back 7 times.....lol And the worst part of it was that he NEVER promised me one thing when he came back home. Nuthin was ever said about why he left or what had to change if he came back.....just nothing....he just came back and life went on the same destructive road. The road to hell. I just kept all the anger way inside of me and that my friends is what led me to the hardest fall of my life when he did take that final hike. THATS when I had to take an inventory of my own life and times......the life and times of Janitw....lol Suddenly I had to own my own stuff. And that was hard.

He will grasp sobriety for real when HE is ready and I mean really ready. Not a minute before. If he stays sober for a year then maybe just maybe he's serious about it.

Hang in there hun.

Janitw

rkymtncowboy

How do you know if you want him when he is sober? I got a long better with my AWife when she was using. Now I don't want anything to do with her. Here is what got her to the bottom:
* December 2002, Called hospital telling her nurse friends she was taking Tylenol with codeine and drinking tequila for pain.
* Nurses called the cops and they took her to the hospital.
* Entered nurse program early 2003.
* Did a two week out patient program.
* Relapsed Nov 2003
* Did a one month in patient program.
* Relapsed Feb 2004
* Did a 3 1/2 month program.
* Made it one year 9 months sober.
* Falsified 12-step reports.
* Administered Narcotics in violation of monitoring agreement.
* Fired from nursing job Dec 2005 and kicked out of nursing program.
* Started drinking.
* Jan 2006 was totally out on ventilator, coma for 10 days, not confirmed but probably alcohol.
* Started drinking again.
* July 2007, was totally out on ventilator, coma for 13 days, Alcohol Hepatitis, and Pancreatitis edema, had a 7 % chance of surviving., just over a one month stay in hospital.
* Now not drinking but not going to AA.
* November 10, 2007 finally went to AA.
* To date not working but doing well in AA, is working at getting Registered Nurse back, going into coding.
* Working AA and not fun to be with.

Rainbowsend

If I had $10 for every time I heard he was a mess and was going to sort himself out I'd be able to take a foreign holiday. I'm sure many get to the point when they say it and mean it but words alone are cheap

SlvrMag

Well said.