lostnfound1961

I have memories of being about 5 years old and my mother beating my ******** brother. The one spacific memory I have is him in the hall on the floor and she is kicking him yelling at him about something he did, and he is begging her to stop. I am crying and begging her to stop because he is getting punished for something I did. I remember screaming out that I DID IT!!! But she didn't stop.

Today I was talking to my brother, we were talking about his shrink and how he feels good talking to him and that it's ok to talk about what happened with mom and dad now that they are gone. He told me my dad took his belt to the bottom of his feet for punishment. I never knew dad hit him. I knew he yelled at him rather than talking to him and would talk about him when he was right there, but I never knew he hit him.

I have often wondered about the coffee incendent where for some reason my brother was up real early in the morning and I was told he got under the desk in the kitchen for some reason and the cord to the coffee pot got caught up in his hand or foot and the entire pot of coffee came down on him and burned him from head to toe. I remember getting up that morning and he was on the sofa crying and had cold wet towls on him. They took him to the doctor later that day. (no big hurry) I also remember burning my hand on the iron, Well what I remember is my mom peeling my hand off it and then putting butter on it because back then they though butter helped. (WRONG) What I don't remember is if I put my hand on there and if so, why would I put it all the way on there, or if she did it. I can see the room, the old wooden ironing board and the old black and metal iron and then the pain.

I come from a long line of drinkers and I remember my cousins saying they liked comming to our house becaus they felt safe. Ours was the safe house.
I can only imagin what they went through if they felt our house was a safe place to be.
D

dothi

Hey lostnfound. These sound like shameful memories (and by that I mean memories that would make any person feel ashamed - definitely not that you should be ashamed). Are these memories old, like something once forgotten? Or does it feel like you're finally putting them into perspective now?

lostnfound1961

The memory of my mom beating my brother came back to me a few years ago along with one of the night she was raped and was on the floor screaming and my dad was upset with her for going out and accused her of playing around. The one of my dad hitting him... That was his and he just told me that. The other stuff I have always remembered and questioned.

Oh there is eight million miles of shame that I am working to get over. I am in the process of learning how to give back feelings that are not mine. It's hard but it feels better each time I do.

LucyA

I cant begin to imagine what your memories mean to you, I just wanted to thank you for sharing.
As the primary carer of an abused child it is posts like yours which really help me to get some kind of understanding of what might be going on in his mind and help me start to help him, although I wish you'd never had to go through it in the first place I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that by being strong enough to share, you help others deal with their own past.

lizw

I read somewhere that child abuse includes forcing or allowing siblings watch their parents hit/beat other siblings. I suppose it implies fear. I.e. the watchers should be scared as they are going to 'get it' too if they don't behave.

My Dad use to force me and my older sister watch while he gave our younger brothers the belt over their bare bottoms. It was all rather traumatic.

I think crazy families confuse respect and fear. They appear to produce the same outward affect, that being getting kids to do as they are told. The inside affect (as you'll know if you're from a crazy family) is completely different. I hated my father but did as I was told as a child, as I was too scared not too. But when I got old enough and big enough, I told him to go f**k himself and did what I wanted. I did not even have an ounce of respect for him.

I also carried this attitude into my own relationships by trying to control/manipulate/punish my partners/kids/friends to 'get respect' as I had no idea how to act in away that encourage another to view me and treat me respectfully. No one told me that if I began to respect myself, then this would leak out into my relationships.

I have also discovered, they more I treat others repectfully, the more respect I feel for them. This is a hard thing for me to do, especially if I think 'they don't deserve it'. When this happens, my idea of treating someone with respect is to apply the slogan live and let live.

lostnfound1961

My dad said fear and respect were the same thing. For me it wasn't so much that I was afraid my mom would hit me because she never did and went way overboard the other way when drunk. I just felt tramendose sadness and shame because he was hurting and she shoule be protecting him not hurting him and on top of that it was something I did that caused her to loos it that day. I only have the one clear memory but in the back of my head it seems I saw more of the same over time but it's too far back in my mined to see it. It's like I have a memory of knowing or remembering but not a contios memory.

It is quite possable for it to be a void because I do know I have one void in time. I was in the basement in my dads shop and talking to him about something. I looked at his hand and noticed the palm was all covered with something dark and it looked like some sort of a burn or something. I asked him what happened and he looked at me like I was nuts and told me I did it to him. I thought back and remembered being out camping and him making us kids take turns with his pistal. He wanted us to shoot at a log in the pond and I was afraid of the gun because it was so loud. He told me to just pull the trigger. I was holding the gun with his help, one hand over the right ear and the left ear tucked into my shoulder and my eyes shut tight. I pulled the trigger and his hand was so close to the end of the barrol that I nearly shot him in the hand and gave him powder burns. His words to me in the shop were (you did this to me, you nearly blew my hand off) I realized at that moment that the last thing I could remember from that camping trip was closing my eyes and ears. I don't even remember pulling the trigger or the next ....few days. NOTHING. I am acutely aware of the missing time. It was like everything from that point to the point I asked him what happened to his hand were gone. I have always wondered what happened after I pulled the trigger. Did he loose it and hit me or was I just so scared I blocked it. I don't know.
I hate guns.
D

lizw

I saw on another post that you are also an alcoholic and you'll probably find the longer you stay sober the more memories will float to the surface. And over time the 'blanks' will get filled in.

I think one of the first and foremost important things for me to remember about this kind of family stuff is that I was a kid. There was something seriously screwy in the fact that my parents even gave me that much power over them. I.e. it's your fault this happened.

If i arrange to do something with my daughter or for her and it doesn't work out, I don't tell her it's her fault. I get that she is a kid and I am the adult. I only get that though because I am in recovery. If I wasn't, I wouldn't.

:ghug3

guiab

Lostnfound and Lizw,
You both have such sad memories and I respect both of you for sharing them so articulately. It is unfortunate that fear becomes a dominant memory, but we are better for having faced the fact that there was fear in our childhood. Maybe it helps us to find a few memories that are happy or fun.
My father never beat us but his words could be incredibly painful. He had this way of figuring out your weakest point at attacking it repeatedly. He really despised any thoughts of weakness or vulnerability. Even sober he was a formidable and scary person to approach for any help or advice.
To this day I fear every day an acidic put-down or insult from anyone I meet.
And this man would drink and fall asleep on the front lawn.
Lostnfound I hope you keep going and gaining. It is so important to gain control over memories of the past. :ghug2

lostnfound1961

When I started this journey I was so hard. Everything hurt so much. I was so afraid to see the truth and face my demons. I know I have a long way to go but I have a lot mroe tools and a lot less pain and fear.
I hope you all have a great weekend.
D