Cheejen

Hi Everyone,

I'm a 33 year old wife of a very sick alcoholic. We've been together 12 years and our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up.

I could go on for hours about everything I've gone through but I'm sure you've all heard it before and have been there yourselves. What brought me here this time is the rug that was pulled out from underneath my feet last night. Of all the years I've been telling him to leave (when he's drinking) or leaving him for a few days here and there when he drinks - he told me that HE is leaving ME this time. His binges have been rather frequent the past several months and the last time he drank, about two weeks ago, he sold some of my video games and equipment for a pittance to drink and I was furious. This has happened numerous times before but I was beside myself with anger. I work two jobs, while he works no jobs, and how dare he sell my stuff AGAIN. So since then, he'd been dry and incredibly grouchy. One minute nice and the next, snapping at me or ignoring me completely. Last night I stopped at a grocery store to pick up dinner and his special cereal. I couldn't find it at the store, so I called him. He sounded so angry with me on the phone! I was hurt and I hung up on him. I called him when I got home (I found the cereal after all) to ask him to help me carry groceries upstairs, as we live on the second floor. No answer. I made dinner and he was in and out of the apartment, and later on I heard the sound of a bottle hitting the dumpster in the parking lot, so I figured he was definitely out drinking. When he came inside I asked him to talk to me and he told me he wasn't going to resolve anything with me, and that he made a decision that this week he is leaving. He is getting a small chunk of money this week for doing some web work and that's all he is taking, he says. Normally I would think he is just blowing hot air but for some reason, I think he is serious. He hasn't spoken to me all day.

Part of me is ecstatic to have him out of my hair and the other part feels hurt and rejected. I have stood by him for so long, have been understanding and patient, praying for his recovery. Now he is just going to leave me.

I just need a place to vent a little and to help me remember that I'm not the only one to go through this. I am so ready for the alcoholism to be out of my life but not really ready to lose my marriage. Thanks for letting me vent and for your stories and perspectives as well, as they help me keep my head out of the insane thoughts.

baileyboop

Welcome....Glad you are here.... :ghug2

Freedom1990

Welcome, and I am sorry for your pain. :sorry

I know it's so hard not to take things personally, but his actions have everything to do with him and his self-hatred, and nothing to do with you.

I'd strongly recommend attending Alanon for yourself.

After I left my alcoholic/addict husband, I refused to look at my codependency issues, and kept repeating the same mistake over and over in relationships.

I'd rationalize that it was different because they didn't drink or drug, but at best they were emotionally unavailable, and at worst, emotionally abusive.

Keep posting here. You are not alone! :ghug3

felicidade

I am so very sorry for your pain. ((((Cheejen))))

I am glad you are here. I have found this forum to be very helpful, and the responses very centered.

My STBXRAH left me without too much warning. It devastated me. I was also "hurt," because, although I had thought about it so much, I never dared do it. I was so angry that he beat me to the punch. Oh, irony...

It's a very strange feeling to be relieved and sad at the same time. I always thought they were mutually exclusive.

I hope you keep coming back.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR. I am glad you found us, but sorry for you pain.

Your AH's first love, primary love is ALCOHOL. To be honest........................he has probably decided that you are interfering with his drinking.

Nothing will change with him until he reaches his own bottom and no one can predict when that will happen.

So......................what about you? There are several books you might find helpful, one being "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattle. Another, which will explain what is happening to him is "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence" both by the same author. All are available on Amazon.com.

Then you may also want to check out some Alanon meetings. It is suggested you try at least 6 different ones before deciding whether Alanon can help you.

It now becomes about YOU. What you can do for you. How you can make your life better. What do you want out of your life. Alanon can be a big help in finding some peace and serenity in your life.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Cheejen

Thank you.

Right after our wedding, he went on a 31 day binge. He ended up in the hospital, then their outpatient program. At the time, I worked afternoons so I would take FMLA and attend their family group, or the Codependency group. I loved it. I met some really good people and attended a few Al-Anon meetings, too. Those meetings...I didn't love so much. There were always the same people there, telling their same stories and it was a little bit kooky (yes, I attended more than 6). I continued with the family meetings at the hospital, but once the FMLA dried up, I couldn't miss work to go.

I think I did OK emotionally for a long time. I even moved out and left him in our home. Unfortunately, a burst pipe and $80000 worth of damage forced me to deal with him and the house, and I moved back in. We moved from the house and last year, and from May to October 2007, he was sober and working a program. I couldn't believe it. Sadly he relapsed and continued on 3 week, 2 week or less spurts of not drinking. He did this so often that he began shying away from his AA friends and has been incredibly grouchy ever since.

I think my point to this was going to be that I'd had a less than desirable experience in Al-Anon and the area I live in is kinda small - I'm afraid I'll keep running into the same people and that it won't be "what I need".

Cheejen

Thank you - I do need to get my mindset back into where it was when I was attending meetings. I was a lot more at peace than I feel now.

Right now is especially hard for me, as my brother's wedding is less than three weeks away, and I'm in it. I am worried I won't feel happy at the wedding, with my own marriage crumbling right now!

felicidade

I had a simiilar experience, at first, with Al-Anon. Like, "Why do these people want to live with an active alcoholic? That's crazy." So, I went about 10 times and dumped it, because it wasn't "helping me get what I wanted" - which was my sober husband acting normally in my house and all the rest of it.

Of course, in hindsight, I realize no one "wants" to live with an active alcoholic and everybody, including the A, wants normal life back again.

So FWIW, I found that the people in Al-Anon were similar to the people here: patient "listeners," whose experience is so like my own that I trust much of what they share, and whose strength has given me strength when I get crazy - like I did today, which I why I took the day off from work and have been on the boards. It helps me see things I didn't see more quickly and gives me tools to deal more effectively.

denny57

welcome, Cheejen, glad you're here!

Freedom1990

Sorry your experience with Alanon wasn't good.

We don't even have it here, so I carpool with a gal who goes to one out of town.

There are a couple of good books that helped me, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

denny57

It's possible the feeling of happiness won't be there. What I've learned in my "growing up" LOL is not to let anyone else know it.

Early on in my divorce, I went to a friends' wedding. I told myself I was going to have a great time, and I did - the pictures show me laughing and happy. I was very happy for them, especially as the groom was a dear friend who had been in an alcoholic marriage before.

I remember towards the end of the evening my mind started to go towards my own marriage ending and I figured I was tired and it was time to go. So I did.

veryrestless722

welcome, do you and your husband have any kids?

ive lived through my exAH leaving me three times already, hurts every time, its very hard, but ive made it through it, so i know its possible to get through it, its been 7 months since mine ran off

but he could just be quacking and tryin to just hurt you and get under your skin

cant really comment on going to meetings, ive only been to one and i didnt like it, but i dont like talking in front of people, but ive read co-dependant no more and it opened my eyes to alot

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you are here with us! A lot of great support above-

Breathe and vent all that your heart desires! And no you are not alone in this-

Al-Anon is a postive in my life-sure hope that you give it a try!

GrowingPains

I identify with what you're going through -- I've been separated for just over a month from my AH. We were together 13 years, 5 of them married. I also had a bachelorette party and wedding to attend 2 weeks after he moved out and was terrified of how I would feel, especially due to both of us being guests/friends of the bride and groom. I've found taking it day by day (or hour by hour) helps -- don't think too far into the future at this time.

I was able to enjoy the wedding and spent the ceremony with my AH and my family. I felt kind of detached and bittersweet about the whole thing. I knew I'd tried as hard as I could in our marriage, but no-one can beat someone else's alcoholism. I will say I didn't commit myself to attending until the day of, as I wouldn't have gone if I didn't think I could handle it.

FormerDoormat

I held on to my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend for way too long--25 years. Eventually, I realized that my relationship with him had ended emotionally years before it ended physically. But still I went through a mourning period. In my case, it was more the loss of the dream that I mourned than the loss of an emotionally absent and non-participating partner.

As long as I held on to the dream, I could avoid dealing with feelings of inferiority and rejection. But feelings have a way of surfacing again and again until I decide to face reality and feel the associated pain.

The good news is once I faced reality and worked through the pain, I was able to see things more clearly and make healthier choices for myself. My life improved drastically the moment my boyfriend walked out the door. For me, it wasn't the end of my world, but rather the beginning of a whole new life and a world of endless possibilities. And that's a good thing.

Welcome to the forum.

Janitw

Welcome Cheejen....I too was so very used to my XAH leaving our family numerous times. 8 times total. The last time was back in July 2005....and he left us for another alcoholic/drug user. Female of course. I have come to realize that the saying that they are only doing what addicts do...is so true. My XAH did make 2 very lame attempts at wanting to come home but I had already drawn the line. What he did was a deal breaker for me. You just get to a point where you're done....and thats it. Game over. HE on the other hand is still playing the same game just with a different player. We were married for 22 yrs and have 3 kids. The kids will not even speak to him and haven't since 2005. That is his consequence. We have a saying around here and it goes like this"

Nuthin changes if nuthin changes.

And its so true.

Hang in there sweetie and keep reading. There is alot of great info up at the top under the stickies. And feel free to click on any of our names to read our histories okay.

Janitw