NeedHelp81

Is it hypocritical to attend Alanon meetings when you're a drinker yourself?

I am now questioning whether I have a problem with drinking? It's definitely NOT everyday but when I drink I usually binge drink.

I did it last night. It was weird now that I look back. My A was pissed I was at the bar. I didn't care. I sat there and completely obliterated (sp?) and drove home. Yep. DROVE home. Well first I went to his house, I wanted him to take care of me. He wouldn't let me in. I left to my house and went to sleep.

I understand why he resents me for drinking BUT I think I go to him because for once - JUST ONCE - I want HIS attention. I want to be taken care of, I want my mess-ups to be overlooked because he loves me, I want from him what I do for him EVERYDAY of my life!

I scare myself sometimes, I feel I have it under control - NO MORE DRIVING and I am not going to drink for a while.

I will say it one more time because I want to make sure it is known - I use this site as a journal with feedback. Please don't yell or throw insults my way. I will make this clear : I DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE ALMOST EVER AND DO NOT CONDONE IT! I told you all this because I am honest.

But I just feel like I am starting to act out to get his attention. He sent me a text that said :

"You're supposed to save me from drinking, and instead you turn your back on me and do the same thing."

Why the hell does he think I can save him? OBVIOUSLY I can't! It's too much pressure, I think I'm caving under it now....

sunflowerintx

Been there, done that....

I do not believe I'm an alcoholic. I can take it or leave it but there have been times when I've gotten shitefaced to prove a point. Maybe that's what you're trying to do? And, I'd like to add, I was about your age.

At some point you get tired of being the one who is always sober enough to drive you both home, hon....

I think taking a break from drinking is a good idea. I might also recommend going through an online alcoholism quiz and see how you feel about it. There can be no harm in going to open AA meetings for you, no matter which side of the fence you happen to graze on.

I had a therapist tell me once that she was shocked I wasn't a drug addict or an alcoholic considering my history....

I assure you that my AH would NOT tolerate the behavior he himself has exhibited.

Much love,
Sunny

TTOSBT

Oh honey, I totally can see why you acted out but you know it is not going to help anything. In fact, it is just going to muddle your thinking while you try to make some important life decisions.

And no, it is NOT hypocritical. I do not think there is any problem with you attending Alanon just because you are a drinker. But, you mayu not want to as you begin looking at yourself and working on you.

NeedHelp81

UGH! It's soooooooooooo not fair! I feel like a child crying out for love! ITS PATHETIC! I told him he put too much pressure on me and he just replies with the usual "You're soo perfect! Never mess up!" He always says I don't admit when I mess up - um, delusional much? That's all I do. TAKE THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING whether it's MY mess or his!

It's draining. I'm hurting. I want everything normal again.....

BTW - I'm surprised Im not an addict (unless I am? - haha) too! My dad is the happiest drinker ever - one of the few who have literally seen NO negative effects somehow. Ive always dated A's. and have been drinking since I was 11 - drink waaay less now than I did back then - it's weird.

nowinsituation

NeedHelp - There is no hypocrisy in drinkers attending Alanon. Alanon is not a support group for those trying to quit drinking; but a support group for those dealing with the effects of a loved-one's drinking. As to whether or not you have a problem, that is a question only you can answer. You are aware of your behavior; and just by reading on this site are probably more aware of the warning signs and red flags of alcoholism than most people. Many, many people drink (and enjoy) alcohol -- very few of those are alcoholics.

NeedHelp81

Thank you for your replies.

Have any of you felt the same way? Started acting out to get their attention? Is it a normal thing?

denny57

My friend who first introduced me to Al Anon started there herself. She realized after a few meetings she "belonged in the other room." She attended AA for 7 years and then started back with Al Anon (she comes from a family of drinkers - she and her dad are in AA).

baileyboop

I can say I have acted out. I acted out by trying control him into doing what I thought I needed at the moment. When he returned from treatment the very first time, I told him that he was not moving back in unless I controlled ALL the finances...ALL of it. For about 13 months, he literally only got access to what I gave him. At the time, I thought I was trying to do the right thing by "keeping him from drinking". Can't drink if you don't have money, right? (laughing at myself now silently)
Through those months of my "perceived" control, AH not only drank..but he liquidated his 401 K account to have access for more, which in turn resulted in more lies to cover up, added resentment at me for controlling his money as well as countless other things, I'm sure. Control got me in divorce court..that is what it did..

That was my acting out...Do I think that is normal? Not at all, imo...That is why I know I also got sick in this whole process...

Thanks for sharing your story.

NeedHelp81

Wow baileyboop - I tried the SAME thing! Hahaha. All of his money went into my account (he had the pin though) because then it wasn't bruning a hole in his pocket - then everytime we got into a fight he would go into his delusional thinking and say "You just want my money! Give me all my money!" A few times he was so drunk and making a scene I pulled his money AND some of my money out because he was "positive" he had given me $500.00 - not the $300.00 he handed me a few days before - I would be so scared of him and embarassed I would actually hand him his $300.00 and $200.00 of mine and tell him he was right. I walked home crying that night - and guess what? He didn't come home for 3 days and when he did - it was gone and now WE were poor.

It's really a sad thing these relationships become. I really do not understand why we are still with our A's. The abuse, the hurt, the lack of money, this and that ..... I sometimes question how much I really love HIM - I don't even know if I LOVED having someone to help - or if it was him that I loved in the beginning?

It's so cloudy in my mind - because I wish I could throw my hands up and NEVER think of him again, but there is some hold he has on me and I don't think it's love. I don't know what it is...

Sorry for rambling got a little OT. Hahaha.

baileyboop

I further acted out by spying on him, looking up some of his contacts on-line, checking his phone numbers and doing reverse searches on the numbers (boy, was that self-torture) and generally feeling this intense need to validate over and over again what I already knew. I can't tell you how many countless hours and sleepless nights I wasted to end up with the same result I "felt" I was trying to avoid. I kep thinking...if I can only get him to SEE what he is doing, he will stop. For me looking back on all of those years-yes-I said YEARS.....I was practically certifiable.

My peace with letting all of that go is absolutely priceless to me now. I do know I NEVER want to go down that road again, so I am taking steps to get to know myself more. I am free in the moment to explore who I am and what I really want out of life. I continue this support as well as continue meetings for ME now. Before, I think I did it for him. That is the difference for me now.

laurie6781

(((((NeedHelp)))))

What I can share with you is that many have come to AA through the 'back doors' of Alanon.

And many in AA have finding recovery have also found they needed Alanon. I am one of the latter.

I have been in both organizations for many years now and consider myself a Double Winner.

Both programs are about working on ONE's SELF. I found in AA a way to Live Sober using the 12 steps and in Alanon I got a different perspective and learned how to work on my Codie side, how to set boundaries, how to look within me to figure out why my 'picker' wasn't working right, etc.

So try Alanon, go to AA, don't go to AA, your drinking may be a reaction to the situation you have been in and it may not. But I have faith you will figure it out.

In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Pajarito

Just had an AHA moment. . . insert I above:
If only I could see what I was doing all those years. . . I too went to alanon in the hopes I could get the tools I needed to help him change his ways. I did what you describe bailyboop- unbelievable snooping, obsessing, etc. I was as sick as he was. sheeesh.

Now I go to alanon for myself- thank goodness!

Needhelp- It never hurts to go to an open AA meeting- to learn about the disease and maybe about yourself. In my alanon meetings there are many alcoholics. I'm learning alanon's 12 steps are just good tools for living a healthy life no matter what's going on. Good luck.

sunflowerintx

Yes. Unbelievably so. Once, I cut the crotch out of every single pair of his pants. Act out much???

I've also done the controlling the money, reverse phone searches, printed out his entire cell phone bill MONTHLY, checked his voicemail remotely, threatened suicide, gotten out of MY car in the middle of the night, stalked him, etc... Crazy much??? I also had his truck repossessed because my name was on it and he routinely drove drunk. THAT I don't regret because it was self-preservation and hopefully I've saved someone's life by doing so, maybe even HIS.

So yes, I've done things I'm completely embarassed to admit to. Did you read my post that I clocked AH last week? I mean, he called me a f'in who** but would it be right for him to hit me for calling him a name? AbSOLUTEly NOT. The difference between me and AH is that I OWN my shite. I have since apologized to him but I'm sure he doesn't believe it's sincere enough.

NeedHelp81

Thank you Pajarito. I have been to a few AA's with A before - I didn't like the ones we tried. So I will try a different meeting than before.

tennis71

I would say that it is not hypocritical for you to attend Al Anon. There are a lot of people that I know who attend both AA and Al Anon because they are both an alcoholic and a person who has had their life impacted by the drinking of a loved one.

You might give some thought regarding your drinking. Try going to some meetings without your A. Essentially, find ones that you like and attend them for yourself. Also, try reading the AA Big Book.

Now if he is giving you a guilt trip about your drinking and trying to save him, that is just plain wrong (in my opinion). You are not responsible for him drinking nor are you responsible for him getting sober. If he is an alcoholic and does not understand what your going through then I personally question his method of recovery. I mean at least where AA is concerned, part of an individuals sobriety involves helping to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

I would try to focus on yourself for a little while and get help if you need it. You may not be an alcoholic, only you can figure that one out, but at least you know where to go for help and support if you need it.

Thanks for sharing.

:praying

Freedom1990

I'm like Laurie in that I came in through AA and eventually realized I needed Alanon too. There are many who have come in through Alanon and found they also needed AA.

You're the only one who can make that assessment of yourself.

NeedHelp81

THE CRAZY THINGS WE DO! Im sorry to laugh at it but it's almost comical when you think about. Because when we do these things we think we have that much power (or right) to do them.

Yeah, he freaks out about when I drink - of course not when we drink together and he's feeding me shots - but if he isn't there than boo hoo. Funny thing is I am almost 100% POSITIVE he was drunk. He has not a sober day in months.

I love being judged by someone who completely believes their delusional inaccurate accusations. It's wondrous. (Pick up on the sarcasm there)?

SereneRose

Dang been there done that. I used to drink with him because I thought that I could control things that way. When I decided that it wasn't working, he was unhappy and I was the now the problem, blah blah blah.

Kimmieh

I have to admit this one made me crack up! Whatever made you think of that???

I have done it, too. I got drunk a few times just to show him how miserable he makes me and because I wanted him to take care of me. I have checked his cellphone and freaked out over a female name, only to find out that it is the 75-year-old mother of a friend of his (and to then remember the friend calling her from his phone in my presence...). I have logged on to his email, searched his pocket, counted his money to see how much he was drinking, etc.

Now I am tempted to cut the crotch out of his pants.

SereneRose

Yeah the silly things we do in the throughs of co-dependency. I started dating a guy that didn't drink because he didn't like it; gave him a headache. I still found myself doing the "codie" things just because it was a norm. I was driving him crazy and I was making myself very sick I called off the wedding, kicked him out of the house, got therapy and went on the prowl for another A (or so it seems). I know it sounds weird but this one actually made me get better and find al-anon. Sometimes dealing with A's and RA's is almost the same animal.