Limerick37

Hi - I am a fairly new member and have posted here before. FOr those who may not be familiar with my last post, the alcoholic and substance abuser in my life is my brother-in-law (married to my older sister) and the father of my 4 nieces and nephews, ranging in age from 17 to 6. My sister's husband has problems with alcohol and prescription meds (given by doctor and bought off the street). My sister is in denial and a great degree of co-dependency, and while her "secret" life is apparent to everyone she believes that it is not. SHe is a nurse who works 5 nights a week to support their family, while he has not worked in 2 years. She also brings the kids to all of the activities, sports, etc. on their non-stop merry-go-round of trying to appear "normal". She is desperate to keep everything together, but refuses Alanon. Husband has flirted with AA and treatment but has never made an honest effort at it (in my opinion). I have had a chance to speak with my 2 teenage nieces about the craziness, suggested Alateen, etc. They can be honest with me, although my sister is not speaking to me after an argument 2 months ago about the lack of safety in the situation (husband driving drunk, upsetting kids, etc.) I voerstepped bounds and said that I would call DCF if I heard that he put the kids at risk anymore or that she allowed it. Not a good move on my part - temporarily satisfying to me but didn't "shock" her into action the way I had hoped.

Recent development: my oldest niece was home alone this holiday weekend (after refusing to go on a weekend trip to VErmont to see her younger brother play in a soccer tournament). Her father was going, which is the first time in a long while that he has done anything with the family. She was excited at being home alone (first time doing it, feeling very grown-up) but got a phone call late Sat. night on her cell from a waitress at a restaurant in Vermont (they live in NY) saying that her Dad was so out of it that he couldn't tell them what hotel he was staying at, and that her number came up first on his cell phone which they had taken away from him. They wanted to get him a cab and send him back to wherever he was staying. SO my niece gave them the name and address of the hotel and then called me - I might add that I live in Europe, having moved here with my own family 5 years ago. She was frightened and upset and angry...I talked to her and asked her to contact her mother in Vermont and let her know what had just happened. She did and he evidently got back to the hotel room o.k. via a taxi.

Her parents and sister and brothers returned home yesterday. Nothing was mentioned about what happened, although her father is "in a bad mood". Her mother told her that if she told anyone else about what is going on she would be in trouble, so she just emailed me begging me not to do anything with this info.

SO...what do I do? My urge is to jump in...the good news being that since coming to this forum that urge is no longer overwhelming or all-consuming, and that I know that there are limits and boundaries that I need TO KEEP ME HEALTHY. I am sad, angry, frustrated - not even so much at the brother-in-law anymore as I have very few feelings left for him - but more so at my sister for continuing to allow this to happen to her children. WHat about my nephew - 11 years old, and so excited to be playing on a travel soccer team - and his father has to ruin it by being so drunk that a waitress has to get him home safely? Or my other niece, who is almost 16 and was so excited to be going away as a "family" and doing "family things together" - never mind the little 6 year-old who is growing up thinking that all of this is normal. SO, I can continue to recommend Alateen and encourage them to take care of themselves and remind them that they didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it - but is there anything else? ANy thoughts, wisdom etc. happily accepted...Thanks in advance for listening...

cmc

Telling her that to make her change didn't work did it? I'm not saying that reporting dangerous behavior is wrong but using it to try to make someone 'do the right thing' can be worse unless you are prepared to make that call if the need arises. If I saw a drunk driver with or without kids in the car I would not hesitate to report it.




What would be the point in your 'doing anything' about what your niece told you? I have learned that I cannot change the past. You can listen and 'be there' for your family and it seems that you may be the only safe haven for your niece. As long as nobody is at immediate risk, and especially when I can't do anything to help- I would keep a confidence entrusted to me.
Once your niece learns more about enabling, if she chooses to; she will also learn not to help an active alcoholic get out of the mess he has made.
Just like I can't make an alcoholic stop drinking, I also can't make an enabler stop enabling.

Bernadette

Heya Limerick--
What a frustrating situation.
I was once the only one home when the cops brought my Dad home- completely incoherent and hammered. Sends chills down my spine to remember it. I watched my Dad crawl, literally crawl as slow as a snail, up the stairs to his bedroom. My mother also didn't speak about it afterward and I didn't need to be told not to mention it outside. That code of silence is like a death-grip in alcoholic families.

It sounds like you are doing what you can. Without being specific to this incident it seems like you could email or write a letter to Sis and just lay it all out - like "your kids are suffering, the whole world sees it whether you think you are "hiding" it or not" and that you hope she gets help for herself & her children. Period.
And then you kind of have to let it go again. No expectations that she will change. Because she may not. Continue to be there for your nephews/nieces and provide them with helpful support/ literature and a picture of reality and sanity. But that's probably it. Until they are of legal age to make a move or until your sister decides to live in reality you're really doing all you can.

It takes a toll on you though right?

I found a lot of relief through AlAnon and one-on-one counseling. I went through all the classic stages - thinking I just needed someone to tell me how to "get" my brothers to quit drinking. Then when I accepted that was impossible being angry that I had problems (codependence) related to my alcoholic family and I was going to have to devote some serious energy to changing myself! Man that ticked me off. And now, as my mom has started some major enabling of my actively alcoholic lil brother I'm trying to learn how to detach from her codie behavior! AlAnon and SR and daily meditation and exercise help me a lot. Try to come up with some kind of plan/program to help yourself deal with the anxiety and accept this unacceptable situation....you ROCK for being there for your nieces and nephews! Keep being that beacon of sanity for them and safe harbor!! It will make a difference in their lives.

Peace-
B.

nowinsituation

As Bernadette said - maintaining that 'code of silence' is ultimately going to be very damaging to all involved. Your niece has reached out to you, but you also know from experience that trying to intervene in any way at all is not going to help. I would check in with your niece privately (through email?) and let her know you are thinking of her. Tell her it is OK to talk to you about it, and encourage her to reach out to others or maybe try to go to Alateen. Even having one supportive person to confide in could do a world of good to her.

Limerick37

Thanks to you - I just need to hear it from someone else! I have to resist the impulse to "do something" and just be there for my nieces and nephews. I sometimes have the urge to call my sister but for my own sanity right now, since I don't think that she is anywhere near ready to be honest with any of this, it's best for me to keep my distance. I have encouraged the girls to access Alateen or Alanon over the internet since getting to a meeting is a little hard for them ( not something that has been supported at home since their Mom is not attending and everything has to be kept secret) but so far they haven't pursued it. I just pray that something will change, and in the mean time will just be a safety valve for them. Frustrating!!! but better than nothing.

cmc

But you are doing something, or your niece would not feel comfortable enough to share with you. Many times I am amazed at what I actually can do to offer support in a healthy way. Once I learn which 'helping' behaviors are not in line with my recovery, I find that I'm free to offer the kind of support that I really was trying to do all along. When I know better, I do better.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your niece's situation and not have such a caring person as yourself for her to lean on.