BeamMeUpScotty

Hello all,

Between 10-12 years ago I went through a separation and divorce. I basically drank my way through it, as I'm sure she did as well. To keep it short, I was left with a cargo-hold full of emotional/intimacy lost luggage.

Well, today is day 84 without drinking. I live in Yokohama, Japan and basically don't know anyone in my area (Japanese or foreigner). I have joined an online dating site in an effort to get to meet new people. I've had relationships since I was divorced, but never while sober, nor past the "activities" stage (i.e., doing something every weekend). I guess I'm scared and don't know what to do.

Yesterday, I met a lovely woman for lunch and coffee after. We talked for about 4 hours and had a really nice time (at least I did, and she laughed a lot (hopefully not just "politely")). The topic of drinking came up and at first I was a little evasive, saying I used to drink "a lot", but eventually came out and said, "I'm an alcoholic". I asked if it bothered her, which I would have understood. She said, "no". She also said she's a light drinker, which I believe and have no problem with.

I guess I'm asking for any advice on how to go forward. I told her I enjoyed the time and would like to meet again, to which she agreed. I'm just really nervous in that silly things like how to make the "first move" of even holding her hand are throwing me for a loop as well.

Also, now that we met, should I still be "active" on the website? I had chatted online with another woman, who I have made plans with to meet this week in Tokyo. She seems nice, and I'll meet her, but I'm not as "attracted" to her (how is that possible, given the limited interaction?) as the woman I met yesterday. She hasn't been shy about saying she wants to be a mom (I appreciate the honesty), and I eventually want to be a dad, but maybe it's too much info too early? Anywho, what's considered appropriate "etiquette" once someone even just starts interacting with other people, even in an online dating site?

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I appreciate your help.

BMUS

least

I haven't dated in a dog's age, so can't give you any help or advice. I would like to say that I hope you have a good time getting to know each other and I hope it works out happily.

BeamMeUpScotty

Thanks as always for your kind words.

You really have a thing for dogs!! Ironically, a Japanese restaurant opened up near my hometown but quickly went out of business. They named it "Akita" and most of the people in my area thought of the dog (must have thought it was a Korean restaurant, hehe) and didn't know Akita is the Japanese equivalent of a US state. Kinda like Chihuahua in Mexico.

CarolD

I have owned 2 Akita's and no way would I eat in a
restarant named after the noble ... honorable breed
considered a national treasure in Japan.
the owners.

Ok...
about the dating....I think it's way too soon to
be zeroing in on one lady.

Well....
you tell her your an alcoholic
she says she wants children
both rather serious things to discuss so quickly.
But really important to know so it's nice
to have those issues up front.

Are your 2 contacts/dates Japanese?

BeamMeUpScotty

Umm, I haven't owned the dogs, so you probably know better than I, but I think the dogs are named after the prefecture, as was the restaurant. Still, a major marketing blunder (like the urban legend of Chevrolet sending a shipload of NOVAs to South America and wondering why they didn't sell ("no va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish)).

Actually, I told the one who hasn't said anything about children I'm an alcoholic (drinking is a topic that comes up quite quickly in Japan). Yes, both are Japanese.

thanks

CarolD

The reason I asked....is I have no idea what the dating
deal is when choosing someone from that culture.

Sooo...Mega and all my best
I'm over my head on this.

Dee74

well I'm hardly a Lothario LOL but if you chatted for 4 hours, there's something there...my advice would be don't 'do' anything, just be yourself and build on that.

And if you like this first woman, I'd wind down the website activity - I believe if you're lucky to meet someone and have some kind of a connection, you should follow it up...

but that being said I've never really been up with the concept of 'dating' LOL - I'd pretty much meet someone somehow, it 'worked', and that was it for me

good luck

D

BeamMeUpScotty

I need all the female perspective I can get!!

Thanks again,

BMUS

Jules62

Hey there,

I tend to agree with Dee here.(but I'm a female so I get extra points-LOL) You had a great time with this woman you met-you spent hours chatting and thought she was lovely.I'm not sure what else you'd want?

I think we often take the 'grass is greener' option when in fact what we want is right in front of us(a bad tendency I think some of us are prone to) It's very much about being grateful for what we have-and it sounds like this woman is a gift right in front of you.Why look elsewhere?

This other woman you met on the website while honest(about wanting to be a mom) sounds a bit-um-too forthright?To me anyway.I respect being upfront about what you want-especially as we get older-but there can be a sense of desperation that goes with that too-biological clock is ticking etc.You may be a great 'dad' but you need more than that for a fulfilling relationship.It's about the connection between the two of you first.It sounds a bit like putting the cart before the horse to me.

You have a connection with this woman you met.I say stick with that and stop looking over your shoulder for 'something better'.It very often doesn't exist.Be grateful for what you have

As to the uncomfortable 'do I hold her hand' etc stuff?My suggestion is-be her friend first.The rest will flow but ultimately?You just need to be yourself because that's who you will always be and after a while, hanging out with someone on a long term basis?You can't pretend to be anyone you're not anyway.They'll know.

I'm glad you told her you're an alcoholic.Honesty is always best-if sometimes hard.

Ditch the website for now.Focus on what's in front of you.

I wish you well

Julesxox

BeamMeUpScotty

Dear Abby has nothing on you. Thanks for your reply. It has helped and has me thinking.

Thanks to everyone, as well. This site is a much better crutch than booze!

BMUS

norm

Congrats on making contact at all. I have lived in a number of countries, and getting to know the locals is the ultimate success.


Unfortunatly we bring with us excess baggage which can damage any relationship.

Like you I was happy to find solace in the bottle, but know that there has to be a better way.

It looks like you are well on the way to finding hapiness, and I wish you every success.

While peoplle in other countries will always have a slightly perspective, the language of love can overcome everything.

Norm