sunflowerintx

Why can't I be okay alone? Why do I feel like I will never be okay without AH? I desperately want to be happy and I can't seem to stop wanting him. It's times like these that I disgust even myself.

Kimmieh

Be gentle with yourself: it's perfectly normal! Part of me thinks that I would rather be with him drinking than without him. But then I remind myself of the constant stress and feel better. I know this doesn't help much, but hang in there - it will get better! :ghug3

denny57

This isn't something I struggle with (I've got plenty other things LOL), but I can pull out another tool.

Imagine you got a phone call telling you your husband had died suddenly. You would be alone. What would be different about this happening? In other words, what sets this "alone" from the "alone" you are fearing now?

laurie6781

May I suggest that when you get these feelings of 'missing him' that you ask yourself the following:

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MISS???

The lying?

The Stealing?

The Never Knowing?

The person you "BELIEVE" he could be?

The person he is?

The drama?

The chaos?

etc etc

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

baileyboop

I also want to add that you are not alone with feeling these feelings. I know I have personally struggled with this are myself. There are many days where I would feel like I was in that cartoon where a person is standing in front of two doors. The doors are labled, " Damned if you do" and "Damned if you don't".

Sending hugs your way..

blue-eyed soul

big hugs, sweetie. don't be so hard on yourself -- i haven't read enough of your posts to know what your situation is (and i know this is easier said than done), but it sounds like you are taking steps to help YOU, and that's what's important. i haven't taken all of those steps yet, but i think i would almost rather be lonely by myself than lonely and dealing with all that madness (because i'm lonely even with AH, know what i mean?). hang in there.

veryrestless722

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. As Ive told you before I feel like our situations are somewhat similar, so believe me when i say i know how you feel. I dont know how to change it for myself so I have no clue how you could change it either. Why we want these men is an eternal mystery. My exAH doesnt deserve me much less how i feel about him, yet I still want him. Today was a bad day for me, just one of those days where it all gets to me, but its almost 10:30 now and I can say i made it through the day, i hope tomorrow is better, but i know my bad days arent over yet

i could easily take what i know about your situation, and from my point of view i know your better off without him, and would be much happier once you got over him and on with your life, but i would be a hypocrite for telling you that since i cant seem to do the same

:sorry i wish i could think of something to say to make you feel better, i know your pain to a certain degree and i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy, all i can say is keep posting everyone here are good listeners and wish the best for you no matter what you do :ghug3

sunflowerintx

I miss the times we were happy. I miss being in his arms...my favorite place in the world.

There are lots of things I do NOT miss. I do not miss being accused of sleeping around. I do not miss being called names. I do not miss being given the silent treatment. I do not miss being called a liar when I know I am NOT.

Denny, If he were dead I wouldn't have a choice but to move on. But he is not dead. He is about 8 miles down the road probably hitting the sack after a few beers.

GiveLove

Sunflower,

At times like you're having, I had to feel around inside to know exactly what I was missing.

Was I missing HIM, and all of the bad things he'd brought into my life (and would bring again if I let him)

or

Was I missing having someone who loved and cared about me, someone I could trust to hold me tight, tell me I was great, assure me everything was going to be fine, and all of the rest of those things that feel so good to us?

What I wanted, I concluded, was the second one. I know I wasn't SUPPOSED to want it, but I did. I wanted a friend and playmate and lover and protector who would hold me, do things with me, be a partner to me, sleep with me, etc. Didn't have to come with all of ABF's liabilities, but I wanted the rest of the picture. And sadly, I realized I wasn't going to find that with him......in fact, if I went back to him, I was keeping myself from finding it.

Is there something you can do to get a good injection of (non-AH) friendship, love and affection in your life right now? Or even just physical touch - massage, a facial, a manicure - ? Are you taking care of yourself?

Hugs,
GL

anamaria

Sunflower,
I feel the same way. I think about the way things used to be with us before all these problems...
We have 2 children and I'm afraid to raise them alone, for them not to have a dad around.
You know what is ridiculous? I am afraid of having to put my kids in school, then day care in order to have to raise them by myself...I currently am a stay-at-home Mom. I love and don't want to give it up. I think I let myself suffer for my kids sake, and to be with them, b/c they are my security.

denny57

Why don't you have that choice now?

appleblaster

A friend of mine is a couples therapist and when I came to her recently with this same issue she explained to me that we remember the good times by default. Its so easy that the bad things fade into the background. We become aware of them when all of a sudden we are confronted with them once more. Then it feels as if our memory has betrayed us because surely if we recalled these terrible things then we would never knowingly go back to a situation where we knew they would occur.

But certainly in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict these things will resurface and bite you in the a$$. I too have been there and i'm so glad you posted this because I was there tonight until I read laurie's post.

So what am I missing?
The Ridiculous Expectations?
The Double Standards?
The Absence of my Better Judgment?
The Absence of my Dignity?
The Empty Promises?
The Disappointment?

It happened every time. Recently my brother passed away and this past Saturday I had to have his cat put to sleep. I feel incredibly empty inside and the only thing I want is my exabf. The one thing that is guaranteed to bring all of the above into my life.....just like each time before.

Thank you for posting this. Yes, do be gentle with yourself but be aware.
Hugs!!

Pajarito

(((sunflower)))
I'm sorry. It's hard- I have good and bad days, but the good are starting to make more sense to me. I forget where I read it lately- <here>- but it was about living in the past. I am starting to realize more and more that what I miss is so much about a long time ago. It's the man I thought he was, the man he was over 10 years ago! That doesn't mean we didn't have our good times here and there since then, but there was always this fear in the back of my mind. My "good" times were dependent on whether he was drinking or not, or in a good mood. Whenever I start to get nostalgic, I try to think about who he is right now. I also try to remind myself that I'm living in the past- I need to be present and remember all of the good friends and family I have around me whom I can count on- completely. STBXAH is not someone I can count on, trust, feel safe with, respect- and hasn't been that for a long, long time. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's a hard, hard road, but feelings are temporary. And it's great that you are making a list of what you don't miss- journaling has been a great way for me to get feelings out, and also to write down all of the krap he spews at me, so I can remind myself just how bad it's been. Our minds are so powerful, and it's hard to create a new life, but as hard as it is, it can be done, and so much more peaceful! Take care of yourself. . .

sunflowerintx

Thank you, anamaria...

See, here is where things go wonky. I've ALWAYS worked a full-time job and have, in the past, taken care of my children completely on my own. I'm not afraid to raise them alone and I know I'm an excellent mother. I just don't want to, ya know?

sunflowerintx

I suppose I'm just not ready to give up. Heck, at this rate (20 years on and off) I don't know if I'll ever be ready. *sigh*

denny57

Well, it took me nearly 20 years.

It's hard to change. That was at the root of my inaction - I just wanted things to "be." The idea of starting over made me tired without even doing it LOL. Today, every day is a start over for me.

I used to say I didn't want to give up (on him) either. Since starting to practice that dang program of rigorous self honesty, I admit now it was my excuse for not taking action on my own behalf. In effect, I was giving up on me.

As far as I know, I get this one precious life. I refuse to turn it over to someone else when being with them was making me so damn unhappy.

Much love to you.

FormerDoormat

Today I went out to lunch with a dear friend. We dined on Chinese food--my favorite. Today's fortune cookie shared this little gem which I'll share with you:

You must be willing to act today in order to succeed.

I didn't eat the cookie; I was much too full. But I tucked that priceless little gem in my purse and taped it to my computer.