lovesmenot74

I'm having a really tough time wrestling with my thoughts still.

For anyone who doesn't know my situation, you can read my other threads for more of the background of the story ...

I'm crying over missing my ex every day - even days when I think I'm doing well, some memory will catch me off guard and I end up a sobbing heap of pathetic-ness ...

I'm having a really tough time wondering if I am over-thinking things and he really isn't an addict and I just really did drive him away by asking too much of him and not being patient.

I guess my biggest fear is that it really was me ... or the combination of me and him that was bad ... and that he's going to go find happiness with someone else and I'm going to be wrestling with my broken heart for a very long time.

I've mentioned in previous posts that he is younger than me ... and often during arguments he would say that I expected him to know things he just didn't understand ... and saying things like "oh you're just so perfect" ... telling me he was "just a kid" (I'd always remind him that no, he was an adult whether he wanted to admit that or not) and he DID do SOME things (he just tended to not finish what he started and only did stuff he wanted to do even if other stuff needed to be done) ... I just feel so much guilt over maybe not giving him enough time to deal with some stuff that was happening to him ... and I'm thinking that maybe he was dealing with some serious depression and with me on his case all the time to help out and pay attention to me, that it was just too much pressure on him ... and that maybe he was just really immature and in that "selfish" stage ... I don't know ... I'm so confused ... could his behaviour have just all been due to lack of maturity and that "selfish"stage some ppl go thru? Is it possible that if I'd been more patient or waited long enough, things would have improved?

He did try ... but I always felt like I would talk to him about giving back to the relationship and he didn't "get it" ... that everything was very much about him ... and he couldn't understand why I pulled away emotionally when he wasn't contributing in what I felt was an equal manner.

He did have a couple of jobs he liked, and consequences from past legal trouble caused him to lose those jobs (he ended up going to jail) ... and then his family left town ... and after those two things, he seemed to REALLY go downhill.

I wonder if the Ritalin abuse was a one-time thing or if he's been hiding a more serious drug problem the entire time I've known him.

I feel like I never really knew him at all and I'm having such a hard time with things because I can't contact him (he doesn't want to talk to me) and even the last couple of times I talked to him, he was so angry with me that he wouldn't talk to me ... he just yelled and blamed me for everything.

I just don't know what to do ... it's as though I can't win ... I feel so bad for things I've said and done to him that must have hurt him so deeply ... and I feel so conflicted about things he's said and done ... and I wonder if he even feels badly ... I'm so incredibly hurt still that he's seeing someone else and I try not to think about it but I remember all the promises and plans we made and I can't believe he would trade all we had together in for basically nothing ...

I want to talk to him so badly ... a rational talk ... I just don't understand how we went from talking in July while he was in jail about how much he loved me, how he was worried I'd cheat on him or "trade him in" while he was in jail, how he wanted us to start over ... go to counselling etc ... we talked in great detail about what things I would need to see from him when he got out of jail ... I still have the message on my machine of him crying begging to talk to me ... he was afraid I would never talk to him again ... and now he's the one not talking to me ...

He did call me 2 days in a row to talk to me right after jail and I was so stressed because he hadn't paid his part of the rent and he agreed to go right to social assistance to get his cheque and pay his portion of rent ... and each time he called me, I bugged him about the money ... both days we ended up in a yelling match because the landlord was coming for his half of things and giving me a hard time and he kept saying he didn't have the money yet ... and he'd get upset that he was calling and (in his words) all I cared about was the money ... and after that he just stopped calling me ... and I feel like maybe I should have supported him during that time rather than giving him a hard time (yep, I yelled at him both times) about the money ... but then I think ... well, it was his responsibility to pay his rent ... and I had every right to ask him to deal with that ... it was one of the things that he agreed to do while in jail.

I feel like maybe if i'd dealt with that better, he'd not have felt so attacked and maybe things would be different ... am I crazy to think that way??

I just can't help but think that somehow I drove him away ... but then I go back to him really leaving me no choice because he lied to me about rent, and about where he was while i had posted his bond ... he was breaking his release conditions and partying with his friends ...

I just don't even know what is true anymore and I'm so confused and hurt ...

His family and friends are all of the mindset that "we" were just a bad combination together ... and I feel like I tried really hard and was very patient and he kept letting me down and betraying my trust ... but then I go back to wondering if he was just in over his head and way too stressed about life and trying to deal with too much emotional crap and I should have just been more understanding and patient ...

Please be gentle ... I'm really raw tonight but I sure could use some advice/opinions ...

laurie6781

Here's what I asked Alaia several days ago when she said how much she missed her Ex:

I'm going to ask, and I want you to think about it...................................WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MISS???

The lying?

The Stealing?

The Never Knowing?

The person you "BELIEVE" he could be?

The person he is?

The drama?

The chaos?

etc etc

Just remember this is not your fault!!!! You know you cannot fix him. He must do this for himself.

Every time you start to obsess over missing him, ask yourself those questions. It does help.

You deserve much better. Keep working on you, it does get better, honest.

Please keep posting, ranting, raving, screaming, crying, and yes even laughing, letting us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Callie

Here's a pretty good thread about why you should run fast and hard the other way. Get out now while you can. If you stay in this, you'll be in a world of hurt later when marriage or kids or a mortgage enters the picture.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-approve.html

lovesmenot74

Laurie,

I did read your thread to Alaia the other day and thought about the questions you pose.

I do NOT want him back the way he is ... the problem I'm having is that I miss what we once had ... and I'm confused about how he can throw that all away ... after saying often that we had to work on things ... I never saw the effort from him, but when I tried to leave, he would always beg for another chance, tell me he loved me and that we were meant to be together ... I miss who he was so much ... it hurts sooo very much to see that the person I love so deeply is completely gone and now I don't even know if he ever really existed ...

I'm trying so hard to untangle my feelings but no matter how much I tell myself that the way it is right now is not what i want, I still can't turn off the hurt feelings and the questions, the self-doubt, the self-blame ...

I am seeing a therapist and have another appointment next week but it seems like nothing helps.

I'm just going thru the motions ... I'm doing things to try to improve myself ...

I gained 65lbs while I was with him (and I also wonder if letting myself go is the reason he doesn't want to be with me anymore) and I'm eating healthy again and working out to try to lose that weight ... I've lost 15lbs so far but it doesn't even feel good to say that ...

I'm going back to school in January because my back injury won't allow me to return to my current job ... and I'm trying to get myself together enough so that I can concentrate on school when the time comes ...

It just seems that nothing is helping ... it's been a month and I've been crying every day for a month ...

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post ... I really appreciate it. At least it's comforting to know that there is a place I can come to and just let it all out ... my family keeps telling me to get over it cuz he was a loser that used me ... and really that just doesn't help me at all ... it just makes me feel like even a loser didn't want me ... *sigh*

lovesmenot74

Callie,

Thanks for the link to the other thread ... I just finished reading it ...

I'm not fooling myself anymore, thinking I can change him ... I know he has to make a choice for himself ... I just wish he would see what he's throwing away, but he's been throwing it away for a long time.

I guess my biggest problem is the guilt I feel for handling things poorly from my end ... for trying to control the outcome of things, for helping him get to jobs, appointments etc on time and for not setting firm boundaries myself ... if I'd done these things, then he would have shaped up or left long before I became so incredibly invested ... but I'm here now and I can't turn things back ... I just don't feel that I'm making much progress and I'm hurting so bad and just want the hurt to stop ...

Thanks for caring enough to reply ...

dogged

my ex boyfriend promised me the world while he was in prison,,,reality is they will tell you whatever to keep you around so they can use you for money,companionship while in prison, letters,,etc... and as soon as he got out,, i was nothing to him... i thought many of the same things as to how could he just throw everything away, but i also had been detaching at that time, cuz i didnt want to get hurt again..everytime you start thinking about him..start journaling about your feelings and all thathe has done to you..be honest..and you will see what he was really doing,,sad thing is i dont think as long as they are using they can truly love anyone, they dont love themselves yet... they do whatever they have to to survive,,whenever they realize you wont be there to pick up the pieces anymore and they have to stay clean to be with you ..they are gone, they dont want you to know what they are up to..they want to continue using and blaming everyone else for thier problems and therefore they will stay in thier addiction..i feel for you,, i went therough that and its no fun..but in tiome you will get better, you have to want more for yourself then what liitle he can give you..you want someone who can truly enjoy your company and loves and cherishes you..not use you like this guy is..i thought mine was my soulmate, we were great together, but yet my soulmate would have tired harder to me stay clean, he wouldnt have used me the way he did , hwe would have put me first instead of the drug and his selfish ways, he would have appreciated what we had and not throwen it all away just for a high..this is a bigger problem than you can handle,,and its not for us to fix.,it is up to them,,this is the lifestyle they are chosing to live over anyhting we can offer..start journaling ..it will help ...

lovesmenot74

Thank you dogged for your reply ... I am journaling actually ... I started a few days ago because I want to talk to him so badly - I decided to start a journal where I can write down all the things I wish I could say to him ... I also started so that I could hopefully remember this feeling ... I don't want to feel this way EVER again.

I'm just so sad ... the reality of how very little he really loved me hurts more than anything I think ... I thought I was safe with him ... I really thought I'd found the one who would never break my heart ... and here I am, heartbroken, and I don't think he even thinks of me ...

I hope every day for a call and an apology ... but I really think that he believes this was all my fault ... and no one in his family is going to tell him that he needs to take responsibility for his actions ...

It just seems so hopeless right now ...

Hangin' In

Lovesmenot,

Your ex is exhibiting classic addict behavior. That behavior is about HIM, not you or anything you did or didn't do. Remember those 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

So you can't get past feeling like you handled things poorly. I know the feeling. The only way I was able to move forward was by working on me, changing me. I certainly couldn't change the addict in my life, but I could change me. In fact, that is ALL I can change.

So I decided I would go to an Al Anon meeting as had been suggested over and over. It took courage. I was scared, but I bit the bullet and went. It was the best decision I've ever made. I found people, just like on this forum, who understood the terrible pain, anger, guilt, resentment, etc., I was feeling. They listened and shared their experience, strength and hope. I slowly but surely began to heal. Today I am a different person and I am so grateful for that.

Please try to find a meeting in your area and attend. I really think you could use the face to face support.

Hugs and prayers for you. There is hope and help. You just have to want the help bad enough to go find it.

Love,
Hangin' In

lovesmenot74

Thank you Hangin' In ... I really needed to hear again that his actions are signs of addiction ... I keep wondering if I'm just looking for something wrong with him when I should be looking at myself ... I struggle with feeling like I made his life worse by being in it ... and he's told me as much the last time I talked to him ... he has court mandated psych evaluation and he told me it was because I drove him crazy. That really hurt because I've put up with so much dishonesty, secrecy and disrespect from him and I have NEVER lied to him or betrayed him in any way ... I love him with my whole heart and it hurts so badly to think that I may have contributed to where he's at right now.

Thanks for reassuring me again that his behaviours do really point to addiction ...

I have looked up naranon and alanon meetings in my area but I have transportation issues ... but I am trying ... this forum is a lifesaver on nights like tonight when I just feel like I cannot take the pain anymore ...

Hangin' In

Loves,

The reason I suggest meetings is because it will help you learn to see how you have been affected by the disease of addiction. You will learn such valuable things about yourself that will help you the rest of your life. You can call 1-888-4AL-ANON and they can usually give you a contact name of a person who attends a meeting near you. I am always happy to give someone a ride to and from the meeting and I bet there is someone near you who would do the same.

Remember addicts don't want to have to focus on themselves, so they tend to blame others. That is what you are seeing in your ex. If he can blame everyone else, then he doesn't have to take a close look at HIS behavior.

Just keep reading here and please find a meeting. It will help you so much to learn about yourself and the disease of addiction. Once you learn about addiction, you will be able to spot stuff like the "blame game" and not buy into it. That ONE thing will make you feel better. And rest assured, there are many more things to learn. You could even go to open AA or NA meetings where you can hear speakers, recovering addicts. That is also a great way to learn what true recovery looks like. And you can also hear them talk about all the "quacking", like the blaming your ex is doing, and how they used it just to stay in their addiction.

Anyway, focus back on YOU because you deserve it. Now let's see. What can you do tomorrow, just for you, focusing on you, that will make you feel better? No, no...nothing about the ex. Just about you...

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Callie

You know what?? I haven't handled myself in the best possible way either. I am mad, furious, hurt, sad, disgusted. I've said nasty, awful hateful things to my AH. Things that have astounded myself and things I wouldn't say to my very worst enemy. In reality HE is my worst enemy for what he's put me through. I've blamed myself, my pushiness, my expectations. Blamed MYSELF for HIS addiction. I've thought "why me?" What did I do to ever deserve any of this. What is my HP trying to tell me, to show me, what did I do to deserve ANY of this??

Most of this I don't have an answer for. But I too, as well as most of us codies have put the blame of their actions on OUR shoulders. We said the wrong things, did the wrong things, pushed too hard, expected too much etc. In the end though it takes 2 to make a relationship work. NOT ONE. As a TRUE CODIE I have LIVED 21 years of creating a life, having kids, a hefty mortgage. All the while, I was tugging AH along for the journey. This wasn't HIS life that we live, this is MINE. He just chose to bask in the glory that it brought. It was my hopes, my dreams etc. He wanted them too, but addiction interferred with him actually achieving this solo. In the end he was high through most of it and KNEW that I would create the perfect life for him. For our kids. I did, but I did it solo. I can tell you that I have ALOT right now. The perfect house, kids, social circle - the right cars, clothes etc. etc. etc.. But I did it solo --- I also am PAYING for it solo because AH got fired from an awesome job because of drug use. I falsely thought that he was a part of of it or even cared about it. When in active addiction he didn't care about anything except his next fix.

Sorry to unload my personal life in your thread. But he is your ABF - GET OUT now while you can. Do all of the crying that you want to get over this. Look at this as a BLESSING that he's acting like this. But as a mother the tears that you cry for yourself are NOTHING ---- ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like the tears that you will cry for your kids. I SO WISH that SOMEONE would have told me what I was in for. Sorry to be blunt, but HTH you in someway. He's not worth it - let it go.

Neverwanted

Ah and my friends ask me...why would you want to be with a loser